This guy in my night school class makes me feel ill-at-ease

[Pamela]

I went to my first summer university language course this evening and saw this guy that I know from the music world.

 

He is 23 and pudgy, but he makes me really nervous because he thinks he knows so much and always brags about how his singing even though he isn't very good. His family has lots of money (they used to own a music store) so he thinks he's big shot.

 

Once about six months ago I car-pooled with him to our teacher's house for a lesson he never shut up about how great at tenor he was. He even offered me ridiculous, unsollicited advice about my singing.

 

I never went back for more lessons because I couldn't afford it and didn't really need them.

 

Tonight when I saw this guy the first thing he asked me was, "So did you win the Lyric Plus Competition?"

 

(Last week I had auditioned for the Qualifying rounds of a competition)

 

I told him it wasn't about winning, but being picked for qualifications in the first round, then he went to tell me that this other person who had auditioned had been offered a concert in Spain as if to make me feel bad that I hadn't heard anything from them yet.

 

Then he made this comment about how come I'm not seeing our teacher anymore, as if to hint that my success depends on her. I told him to say hello to her from me, then he said,"She knows you're in town. Why don't you call her up yourself? She's your teacher..or was your teacher" as if to imply that I was guilty for not calling her.

 

I told him I would do it in my own time.

 

This guy made me feel so nervous and intimidated that I wanted to tell him to mind his own business and stop this guilt-tripping over our teacher, but I felt impotent in front of him.

 

It has been about over half a year that I have come home and stepped aside from the musical "rat race" world and learned and done other things I've always wanted to do. I had had a very difficult experience with a female director of a production I was involved with last year, and after that I decided I had had enough and didn't want to "play the game" anymore. People thought I was crazy to just "give up" my career like that, but I just couldn't handle the politics and wasn't very good at being diplomatic or saying the correct thing at the correct time, ect.

 

Now I've been slowly getting back into the muscial scene at my own pace and on my own terms. How come this guy has the power to make me feel so uncomfortable? Why does he have to talk about my musical steps in a German class?? What can I say to him next time I meet him that will put him in line?

 

I almost feel like switching classes to avoid meeting him.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "This guy made me feel so nervous and intimidated that I wanted to tell him to mind his own business and stop this guilt-tripping over our teacher, but I felt impotent in front of him."

 

No, he didn't make you feel anything. You did. Feelings are your decision. You decide exactly how you are going to react to the world and YOU decide on your feelings. Guilt is a choice YOU make.

 

1. "How come this guy has the power to make me feel so uncomfortable?"

 

Because you give it to him. You give him the power to make you feel uncomfortable, guilty or whatever. If you don't give up your power to others, they will have no power over you whatsoever. His words are merely sound vibrations coming out of his mouth. From that point on, it is YOU and not him who decides how those vibrations will affect your life.

 

It is borderline insanity to let a rude person affect you in such a serious way. You aren't very nice to yourself and you should be really pissed at YOU for making YOU feel uncomfortable and making YOU feel guilty.

 

Don't give other people power over your emotions. They are yours. Other people have their own emotions they can deal with. Yours are your sole property and under your total control. Keep it that way.

 

2. "Why does he have to talk about my musical steps in a German class??"

 

He doesn't have to...but he's an inconsiderate, rude, pompous idiot. But there are lots of those in the world. Part of a great education is learning how to ignore those types. They are rampant throughout the human landscape. It is incumbant upon each of us to learn to tune out these people or at least not to let the stupid crap they say affect us in an adverse way. What he says is meaningless...except to the extent that you give it meaning in your life and allow it to make you feel bad.

 

Most countries give these idiots...and normal people as well...freedom of speech to make jerks out of themselves. He has a right to express his jerkiness and you have the obligation to yourself to note that and not pay any attention to it. You should avoid people like him at all cost.

 

3. "What can I say to him next time I meet him that will put him in line?"

 

Tell him you find it amusing that he somehow got the idea that you are interested in what he has to say. Tell him he's better off directing his verbal garbage to someone less capable of distinguishing a first class orator from athird class bullsxxt artist wannabe.

[Rogue]

You said he was pudgy? Hmmm. Maybe next time you can comment like you don't have time to practice music as much because you've been working out. Then next time a good looking guy walks by the two of you, comment on what a great body the guy had. That should put "Mr. Pavarotti " 's ego in check for a while.