My [fiance] doesn’t give me spending money

[ivette5]

My fiance and i have been living together for 6 months. I became pregnant after two months of seeing each other and we decided to stay together and work it out. I always worked and took care of my pregnancy needs (he never helped me with anything) until the day i finally delivered ... which was by emergency was when i stopped.

 

I continued living with my parents (as i moved in with them again after i became pregnant) since he is in the military and had recently moved from the area. We had planned to move in together once he had his own place which he obtained this year. He sent me 300$ a month for the baby and although it wasnt enough i had savings and also used them. Once we moved to his place in another state i paid for the tickets to fly there and he also said he would need me to help him get stuff for our place.

 

Needless to say i got some furniture and kept getting the groceries every month.. He has always taken care of the bills and rent and diapers and milk for the baby. I only mentioned i was becoming “broke” after my savings were diminishing but he still didn’t offer to pay when i told him we need clothes for our baby or a dress for an event he wanted me to attend or even my phone bill. I dont even have a car, as i had to sold it to move and that is money i really don’t want to touch as it is necessary for when i get a job later on.

 

I am a stay at home mom and i told him before moving that i would not take my baby to day care until he was at least 2 and he still wanted me to live with him. Now i really have no money and i hate to ask him for any but I Dont Know what to do. I feel like he is not considerate and he still asks me to tip when we go out to eat or if i want something he is like “are you going to get it” it gets me sad and angry. I feel like he acts that it is his money because he earns it but we are supposed to be a family now.

 

I dont think he understands the fact that i am not working and still expects me to pay for groceries. I dont even know how much he earns and spends a month which is what a wife should know i think. How do i speak to him about it?

Edited December 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, edit title for clarity, move to GM

[BaileyB]

Would I ever chose to live with a man who controlled the money and didn't talk with me about our "family" finances... No way, no how. You need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about money, tonight.

 

It doesn't sound like you were financially ready to have a child and it doesn't sound like you are financially able to be a stay at home mother. If you don't have the money you need to live and support your family, you need to go back to work (even if it's taking in another child to provide daycare in your home). I was raised by a stay at home mother, so I understand the value and the work that you do. If you make the decision together and you can afford to stay home and raise children, then more power to you... but, it doesn't sound like that is the case in your situation. You may need to reconsider your decision.

Edited December 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[ivette5]

Thank you for your advice! Yes he tells me all the time he wants to take care of me and the baby but yet ive been putting in my own share for that to happen. If i work i would be able to take care of my child and myself but i didn’t want to put him in daycare unless it was with someone i trusted entirely and i don’t have anyone in this new state we are at. I was financially independent before i met him , yes i mentioned i went back to my parents but only because i wanted my mom close throughout the pregnancy, i still paid rent and so on. So this is why i am struggling to ask him for money for my phone, hygiene products, babys clothes and entertainment, contacts etc. I am not asking for money for simply going out. Because i have never had the need to ask any man for that. Yet now that i am not working As i am a stay at home mom and do everything one should do i feel pressured to ask him to act like the head of household.

[BaileyB]

I understand your desire to stay home and raise your infant, but can you really afford to do that? You don't know the answer to that question, because you have not had this conversation with your partner. If you are planning to marry this man, share your life with this man and raise a family together, you need to be able to communicate and make decisions together.

 

If the decision is that he will work and you will stay home and raise your child, then that decision needs to be made together. And, he needs to be prepared to be transparent about the finances because that requires a HUGE amount of trust from you. And, he needs to be willing to provide what is needed for you and your child.

 

And, the bottom line... If he does not make enough money and he is unable to support two dependents, then you need to find a way to raise more money to support your family. Financially supporting the family should not only be his responsibility... YOU have a responsibility to yourself and your child to ensure that you have the resources you need to be financially stable. Its your right your responsibility to be a full partner in this relationship.

Edited December 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[basil67]

What conversations did you have about how finances would work before you sold your assets and moved in?

 

Does he have adequate income to support you? Do you know how much he earns and what he's got in the bank?

[amaysngrace]

Can you get a part time job when he gets home from work so that you won't have to put your son in daycare?

[browzer]

i told him before moving that i would not take my baby to day care until he was at least 2

 

You've unilaterally decided not to work, and he unilaterally decided he's only going to give you some minimum amount of HIS money.

 

You aren't a "family" you're two people who barely knew each other- 2 months- before deciding to bring a baby into the world.

 

Not sure what you were expecting but this isn't how healthy relationships begin.

[ivette5]

You guys have made great points, thank you! It is true we really are just getting to know each other and i have to amount to the mistakes i made which was to just live together and make it work for our baby. It was a hasty decision as living with someone is totally different! To answer one question , no i cannot get a part time job because he leaves very early and comes very late. I could get a job as a stay at home mom but id have to search for a good one as my baby requires a lot of attention. Or at least if i did we would have to divide the chores in the house as he does none. He once mentioned he did about $50,000 a year and he recently got a raise of $500 more a month that is all i know about his finances. I guess my resentment stems out about him saying over and over that he wanted a family and to take care of us so i expected to not worry about anything but now i worry about money issues because i dont have any. This is especially frustrating when i see him buy video games, electronics and things we don’t really need and I feel like I can’t say don’t buy that because it is not my money to begin With. I just feel like if i have to work then id rather move back to the state i am originally from and have my mom take care of my baby while i work. I am all for making cuts on bills like cable or internet or even a cheaper place as long as i can afford to take care of my son until he is bigger but if he really wants me to work to pay my own things then id rather just be by myself. I Dont Know if this makes me sound like “either you take care of me or im gone” but i am not ready to let go of my son especially when he knew under what circusmtances i was moving in with him.

[BaileyB]

My dear girl, you should never expect a man to take care of you.

 

With this attitude, you should probably move home with your parents and go back to work. I don't see this relationship lasting, you are not committed to doing what is required to make it work. Good luck.

[chinadiary]

It seems as if you have 2 choices.

 

Stay with him = sitting down and talking about the reality of his financial obligation to you and your child until you are able to work again.

 

Go home to your parents = if you can't agree with him that he will support HIS child and you until you are able to go back to work.

 

 

 

Neither is a great option. But an accidental pregnancy means compromises.

[d0nnivain]

If he is still in the military there will be counseling services available on base. Use them.

 

 

If he is not in the military you may have to do this on your own. First get him to sit down & lay everything out -- all your finances on both sides. You need to see pay checks & tax records. You also need to disclose those.

 

 

Then make a budget you both agree to: rent, groceries, etc. there are lots of budget tools available on line.

 

 

You may have to search for a job & work from home is not always possible but it can be.

[basil67]

If a man says that he wants you, him and the baby to be a family and agrees that it's best that you take time off to be a mother, then you should absolutely expect him to take care of you both financially. However, it's imperative that this all be discussed and agreed to how it will work.

 

You going back to work may not be an option anyway. It all depends whether or not you can secure a place in childcare and whether or not it the fees will eat up all your salary.

 

Someone mentioned your mother taking care of your baby while you work. Has your mother offered to do this? It's not the kind of thing you'd want to presume she'd do for you. She may be at the stage of really enjoying her freedom without having to care for children. Though if she'd be delighted to care for your baby, then it would be a great option.

 

In short, you really need to go through your options. But if wants you to stay as a family, it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to up his game in one way or another.

[amaysngrace]

There are 24 hours in a day. I'm not sure why you can't work part time when he gets home from work and have him put the baby to bed.

 

It's his kid too.

 

Where are either of your parents? Can they watch the baby sometime so you can get a job?

 

It seems like you don't want to work for money, just have him pay for everything.

[BluEyeL]

Someone suggested that you could maybe take care of another kid in your home and make some spending money. I think that could be the only option.

 

However, he is not treating you right . Doesn't sound like a man who would do anything for his family. Maybe it's best you cut your losses with him and move back home. It's not right that he asks you to pay for things like groceries and clothes for the baby or anything else, really, when he knows you don't have income. You should just leave, move in with your parents , work, and maybe later in your life find someone kind and who truly loves you and would be a team player. Life is tough but you can build it in a way that will make you proud and happy if you have the courage to.

[TheWoman]

Pack up your things and when he gets home tell him you are leaving. Do not take the baby.

 

Go home, get a job, earn money and enjoy your life as he does.

 

The national average gross weekly salary for a full-time live-out nanny is $705 and the national average gross weekly salary for a full-time live-in nanny is $652. So he will have to pay at least $34,000 of his after tax money, for someone else to do what you do.

 

Bet you hear from him real soon with a different plan...

 

I know you wont do this, I wouldn't either. But this is how they get us and why we (women) dont seem to be able to get ahead.

 

What I would do, is pack up and take my baby home to my parents house to start with and use daycare and get a job and get on with my life. Forget about a man like that, if he cant see what you do now, he never will.

[CC12]

I just feel like if i have to work then id rather move back to the state i am originally from and have my mom take care of my baby while i work.

 

This is really not right. Your child deserves to have both parents in his life, if at all possible. You think it's fair to separate a father and child because you can't find the backbone to ask your partner for more financial help? He's not even a deadbeat dad - he pays your bills, your rent, your baby's diapers and milk. That is significant. I understand that it's not enough but it appears you haven't even tried to fix the problem and you're already considering bailing on him.

 

Is it true that all you've done to communicate your problem is to hint around that you're becoming broke? People can be beyond clueless sometimes. You can't expect him to read your mind. You have to be more direct.

 

You have to sit down with him and calmly and respectfully explain that this arrangement is not sustainable. If you're going to live as a family, then you should be involved in the finances. If he is not willing to involve you, then you at least need a joint checking account that he deposits $X amount into, and he'll also need to cover emergency and unexpected expenses.

 

And I suppose that this is really neither here nor there, but do you even like your kid's dad? Do you two behave as a couple? Does he like you?

[S2B]

You aren't married. You need to work and provide for your child.

 

Move home for now. Work and save enough to live on your own. File papers for child support.

 

Save and save so you can be independent! Never, ever depend on a man to provide you your lifestyle!

 

This guy puts video games above basic needs. That's not right. And it's not right that you've decided to be at the mercy of what he does or doesn't give you.

 

Get out of there and start providing your own life's essentials.

[Whodatdog]

My fiance and i have been living together for 6 months. I became pregnant after two months of seeing each other and we decided to stay together and work it out. I always worked and took care of my pregnancy needs (he never helped me with anything) until the day i finally delivered ... which was by emergency was when i stopped.

 

I continued living with my parents (as i moved in with them again after i became pregnant) since he is in the military and had recently moved from the area. We had planned to move in together once he had his own place which he obtained this year. He sent me 300$ a month for the baby and although it wasnt enough i had savings and also used them. Once we moved to his place in another state i paid for the tickets to fly there and he also said he would need me to help him get stuff for our place.

 

Needless to say i got some furniture and kept getting the groceries every month.. He has always taken care of the bills and rent and diapers and milk for the baby. I only mentioned i was becoming “broke” after my savings were diminishing but he still didn’t offer to pay when i told him we need clothes for our baby or a dress for an event he wanted me to attend or even my phone bill. I dont even have a car, as i had to sold it to move and that is money i really don’t want to touch as it is necessary for when i get a job later on.

 

I am a stay at home mom and i told him before moving that i would not take my baby to day care until he was at least 2 and he still wanted me to live with him. Now i really have no money and i hate to ask him for any but I Dont Know what to do. I feel like he is not considerate and he still asks me to tip when we go out to eat or if i want something he is like “are you going to get it” it gets me sad and angry. I feel like he acts that it is his money because he earns it but we are supposed to be a family now.

 

I dont think he understands the fact that i am not working and still expects me to pay for groceries. I dont even know how much he earns and spends a month which is what a wife should know i think. How do i speak to him about it?

 

Its probably what a wife should know, but you are not a wife. Apparently he is not wanting you to know his financial situation which pretty much spells out to me that he doesnt consider you a fiance. You are in a precarious position. You need to get a job and start supporting yourself, even if it means moving back with your mom. You two are not a household, you are roommates. Figure out how to take care of yourself and the baby.

[ivette5]

I was able to voice my concerns to him and he said that although it would be helpful to work (Which in response to the 24 hour comment , yes i could work nights but when he leaves in the morning i must take care of our baby so really id be working day and night) he did not want a babysitter for him when he is this young. We don’t have family or friends where we live, only his coworkers who have become mere aquaintences. I asked to see his earnings and spendings to see how we could better manage his income if he needed help with money but he said it was ok that he could handle it (in other words it still worries me a little that he won’t share this information with me... as if he were hiding something) we agreed to look into a cheaper place in the near future. It looks like so far we are on the right track.

[amaysngrace]

How do you figure that?

 

He doesn't share info with you and you are moving to a lesser place.

 

That's not so terrific

[d0nnivain]

I asked to see his earnings and spendings to see how we could better manage his income if he needed help with money but he said it was ok that he could handle it (in other words it still worries me a little that he won’t share this information with me... as if he were hiding something)

 

* * *

 

It looks like so far we are on the right track.

 

I'm sorry but those two above statements completely contradict one another. He won't share basic financial info with you so that you can make intelligent decisions about the household together. That is the wrong track.

 

Do either of you realize that if you walk away & ask for child support he will be required to turn over all the financials to a court?

[BaileyB]

Indeed. That's not a partnership... I would not be marrying a man who is not transparent about finances.

[DKT3]

So if you work nights and take care of the baby during the day how is that more than him working days and taking care of the baby at night?

 

Honestly, I think you both have a lot of maturing to do.

[Els]

I hate to say this, but if you choose to keep a pregnancy with a man whom you'd only known for 2 months at that point, you're essentially making the decision that you're prepared to raise the baby alone if needed. Unfortunately being a stay-at-home mum is not entirely feasible with a man whom you hardly know, whose finances you have no idea of.

 

You could (and IMO should) leave and file for child support, but I believe you would still need to work in that case as it would not be sufficient to cover everything.

[nittygritty]

I was able to voice my concerns to him and he said that although it would be helpful to work (Which in response to the 24 hour comment , yes i could work nights but when he leaves in the morning i must take care of our baby so really id be working day and night) he did not want a babysitter for him when he is this young. We don’t have family or friends where we live, only his coworkers who have become mere aquaintences. I asked to see his earnings and spendings to see how we could better manage his income if he needed help with money but he said it was ok that he could handle it (in other words it still worries me a little that he won’t share this information with me... as if he were hiding something) we agreed to look into a cheaper place in the near future. It looks like so far we are on the right track.

 

You need to be able to financially provide for your son and yourself. If that means working a part time job during the time that the baby's father is not working so that he can take care of the baby, you need to do that in order to financially provide for your child. The reality is that you cannot afford to be a full time stay at home mom. Nor can you depend on him to provide everything that you and the baby need. There is a good chance that your relationship may not work out. You can ask your family to financially provide for you and your child but you will still be dependent on someone else to provide a home, food, clothing and all the things that responsible parents provide for their children.

 

It's time for you to grow up and realize that being a stay at home mom is a luxury that you cannot afford. You have no spending money for things you and the baby need. If all that it takes is for you to get a part time job during the time that the baby's father is not working in order for you to have some spending money for things that you and the baby need then it is unreasonable for you not to be willing to do that.