Is it wrong to wait for someone or be their second option?

[Gunnerman147]

My ex and I had broken up 2 months ago.

 

The first month all I did was pressure her into getting back with me because I was afraid of losing her. She told me she never wanted to talk to me again. 3 weeks after that she began to ask about me and to my friends saying she missed me.

 

She has now been talking to a guy for 6 weeks at this point.

 

So Monday I go talk to her and tell her I love her and always will and how I will welcome her back with open arms any time. We began to talk for 3 hours and it was a lot of flirting and fun. I agreed to be her friend and to train her in the gym. The next morning I went over to pick her up for a morning run and instead she told me to go to sleep with her so I did. That day we ended up cuddling kissing and having sex twice. Next day she invited me over again we spent the whole day together minus sex.

 

The day after it was the same except when I left she texted me telling me she can't be having sex and kissing me. That is wrong to the guy and how we aren't working him our relationship right now that we would if her and the guy ended things.

 

Now that makes me very emotional because I love her and want to stay in her life and be there for her when she is ready but at the same time I'm a second option. Should I just give up? I feel like I shouldn't I love her so much and have already moved past how fast she went to the next guy and all of that. I'm just very confused!

Edited December 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Frostedflake]

Alright. A couple of things

1) No Contact is not for "getting your ex back". It's a coping mechanism that is suggested so that you can work on yourself.

2) Why do you want to make someone you supposedly care about panic and stress about you? Because you think that will get you the upperhand? Childish. If you have to break someone down for the relationship to work for you- that's eff'd up, guy. They deserve better. If you really care you'd stop playing games.

[staggerlee71]

Argh! No contact if practically applied is designed for you to move on.

 

NOW, the reason no contact is a "thing" and is applied because its manipulative.

 

you see, even though the dumper let you go, they still have insecurities. infact, I would bet 9 times out of 10, that dumpers dump not because of you but because of some ****e they have going in their life, head or personality.

 

so, when you no contact them, and whatever direction they were headed, they lose that sense of comfort, control, power. so they will come sniffing back around.

 

but the they do this to feed the energy vacuum in their life. and the dumpee, in their one down, weak, I suck state, will let the dumper feed.

 

so, in conclusion, if a dumper is truly on point, knows what they want, and you were not it, they will move on and never contact you again.

 

if a dumper, comes sniffing after no contact, they are the one who is unsure, needy, hungry and they come to you to eat.

 

SHUT IT DOWN. IF SHE WANTS YOU, SHE WILL SHOW YOU, AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN

[carhill]

No contact is working when the person is no longer actively in one's thoughts and hearing or reading their name or running across a photo or similar ceases to evoke an emotional response. Essentially, it's working when the person regains their position in the billions one doesn't care about at all.

[Gunnerman147]

I'm not trying to make her panic what I'm trying to do is make her actually face her feelings about me instead of bottling them up. If she was truly happy then why ask about me and contact me. No contact is a couping mechanism I get that but it's also a way to get those initial frustrations of a break up to settle down and think clearly about what is happening. I don't want to cause her pain I love her too much to cause her pain what I want is for her to not hide her feelings. Especially if it means forcing yourself into a new relationship when you want to be with someone else.

[carhill]

Whatever may or may not happen in the future is the future. No contact cleans the emotional slate. If some sort of reconciliation occurs, it will spring from a new place, not the old unhealthy place which spawned the breakup.

 

Don't expect her to come to her senses or whatever. That's not how women operate, generally. She feels what she feels when she feels it and acts on those feelings as she chooses to. There's no mathematical formula to predict anything regarding that. No formula. No cheat sheet. Go with the real. It's a breakup. Done. Over.

[Marc878]

You chase they always move farther away.

 

You aren't in NC at all.

 

What you're doing is leaving yourself open to breadcrumbs which will lead to nowhere.

 

No contact means no contact of any kind.

[Marc878]

I'm not trying to make her panic what I'm trying to do is make her actually face her feelings about me instead of bottling them up. If she was truly happy then why ask about me and contact me. No contact is a couping mechanism I get that but it's also a way to get those initial frustrations of a break up to settle down and think clearly about what is happening. I don't want to cause her pain I love her too much to cause her pain what I want is for her to not hide her feelings. Especially if it means forcing yourself into a new relationship when you want to be with someone else.

 

Her actions don't say this.

 

She dumped you and started dating.

 

You like a lot won't believe her so I suspect you'll wallow in this awhile

[Gunnerman147]

Her actions don't say this.

 

She dumped you and started dating.

 

You like a lot won't believe her so I suspect you'll wallow in this awhile

 

I broke up with her

[Fair]

Forget her. You're just an ego boost, a time filler. In short, she's using you. If you want that, go for it.

[Gunnerman147]

Forget her. You're just an ego boost, a time filler. In short, she's using you. If you want that, go for it.

 

What I failed to mention was we were together for two years and before she never did anything wrong either it was lack of communication that ended things and she had started to hang out with really bad influence friends at the time of the break up. I believe in giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is confused and because we are young she might just want to experience life and once she sees that I am one of the people that actually cares for her succes in life instead of just wanting to be in a relationship because it beats being lonely.also the guy had been seen a week earlier at a club with a girl dancing all over him

[Gunnerman147]

My ex entered a rebound relationship I still very much love her and honestly am doing my best to get her back which for the time being included being her friend. She recently slept with me a couple times and even spent the week with me where she told me she loves me still and misses me.

 

Has also been telling me about the problems in her new relationship. Such as they are very un affectionate as well as they do not open up at all because they are very similar as to her and I who are exact opposites she found a guy who is my exact opposite.

 

Says how he was seen at a club with a girl dancing all on him as well as how he doesn't really care for her feelings as she tried to open up to him and he replied with only one word. She says she knows she can't be open with him because she won't get the comforting reply she needs and instead opens up to me now I can see I'm being used in many ways but I honestly don't know what to do because I want to get her back but don't know how to go about it. Can I get some advice!

Edited December 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Tell her 100 in or you’re out.

 

You are putting yourself in a weak no win situation currently.

 

If she isn’t in you go dark.

 

Never make an ultimatum you won’t follow through with or you’ll be in worse shape.

[Young mind]

I’m glad you are see logically the possibility of being used, he is playing with her and she always has a safety net to run to: you!.

It feels like familiar territory, don’t take it hard yourself, if all of our ex gf came back 1wk or 1 mo after dumping running into our arms and sleeping with us , we automatically assume the prodigal sheep is back, but it’s not always the case.

You must a bold step to WALK, you’re the third wheel, and when she’s successful in getting a steady relationship with the other guy, you will be history.

Do what is repeatedly stated on forums on this, try to move on with your life

[HumanMachine]

She’s cheating on him with you. What makes you think she wouldn’t do the same to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

If you want her back, you are going about it all wrong.

 

You're turning into her male-girlfriend who she gossips and complains to about her boyfriend. And sometimes sleeps with when the boyfriend isn't giving her attention and affection.

 

This girl has zero respect for you.

[alterest]

My ex entered a rebound relationship I still very much love her and honestly am doing my best to get her back which for the time being included being her friend. She recently slept with me a couple times and even spent the week with me where she told me she loves me still and misses me. Has also been telling me about the problems in her new relationship. Such as they are very un affectionate as well as they do not open up at all because they are very similar as to her and I who are exact opposites she found a guy who is my exact opposite. Says how he was seen at a club with a girl dancing all on him as well as how he doesn't really care for her feelings as she tried to open up to him and he replied with only one word. She says she knows she can't be open with him because she won't get the comforting reply she needs and instead opens up to me now I can see I'm being used in many ways but I honestly don't know what to do because I want to get her back but don't know how to go about it. Can I get some advice!

 

As other says, she is cheating on him using you. She has no respect for you and your feelings, she keep say that she loves you while still has another man that she gives zero respect either.

Come on, you don't need this and if you really want to reconcile with her you are doing this pretty wrong. Where is your self-respect? She gives no fu** cause she doesn't need to, she has everthing she wants with this weird situation.

Stop talk to her, say that you can't stay in this crazy situation anymore and say that she can reach you if she want to be with you. But do you want some clarity? Don't reconcile with her. I don't know what I should call her, but she is pretty imature and gives zero care about other feelings. She is a pretty selfish and disrespectful person, and you shouldn't accept someone like her. I know you love her so much, but be rational for a while and see if this is kind of relationship you want to.

[marky00]

ever heard the saying "Nice Guys Finish Last"

 

food for thought here I think

[marky00]

 

if a dumper, comes sniffing after no contact, they are the one who is unsure, needy, hungry and they come to you to eat.

 

this made me laugh hard but its totally true.

 

thing is but its not always easy. My ex has been bread crumbing this whole year. Probably 15 times and I never replied.

 

I've made the assumption that she came to feed but dang, for a whole year I gave her nothing and yet she still comes to feed.

 

The mind boggles.

[d0nnivain]

You may think you love her but she doesn't love you; she has questionable ethics & she's using you.

 

 

You are an ego boost. You make her feel desired. She doesn't want you but she's willing to use you to fill a whole in her life. You are willing to be her friend while she dates somebody else. She knows you will do anything for her & she doesn't respect you.

 

 

She is also a cheater. She should not have slept with you while she was still with him.

 

 

Wake up & learn to take care of yourself. Walk away from her. This will never work. Go find a nice girl who is thrilled to be with you.

[d0nnivain]

. What would it take to push her to the edge and make her panic and come back?

 

 

Nothing. She wants another guy or at least no longer wants to be with you.

 

 

NC "works" when you no longer miss the other person. It is not designed to manipulate the other person to come back. Why would you want to be with a cheater who threw you away the first time & is now willing to manipulate you for her own ego?

[marky00]

No contact is working when the person is no longer actively in one's thoughts and hearing or reading their name or running across a photo or similar ceases to evoke an emotional response. Essentially, it's working when the person regains their position in the billions one doesn't care about at all.

 

I dont really believe that. A lot of dumpees on here admit they had to block their dumper so they could heal.

 

Then they claim they have moved on and doing fine. That I do believe.

 

However, the idea that if their Ex knocked on their door would have no effect on them at all is a fallacy. That would only be the case if the dumpee never loved the dumper anyway.

 

NO Contact is more about learning to function amidst the pain of a breakup. That then evolves into type of acceptance where your functioning and striving forward can and does still co-exist with one's negative past.

 

This is why they say "lean into the pain" That is exactly what it is, its moving forwards but still feeling the past. Over time you can spend less time feeling the past.

Edited December 11, 2017 by marky00

[d0nnivain]

I'm not trying to make her panic what I'm trying to do is make her actually face her feelings about me instead of bottling them up. If she was truly happy then why ask about me and contact me. No contact is a couping mechanism I get that but it's also a way to get those initial frustrations of a break up to settle down and think clearly about what is happening. I don't want to cause her pain I love her too much to cause her pain what I want is for her to not hide her feelings. Especially if it means forcing yourself into a new relationship when you want to be with someone else.

 

 

You broke up with her.

 

 

The whole above is very paternalistic in a condescending way. You want her to face her feelings. Her feelings & how she deals with them are none of your business. You dumped her. If you actually love her the way you claim, why did you break up with her? That makes no sense.

 

 

You think she's forcing herself into a new relationship when she wants to be with you. What does she think? I get it, she did sleep with you repeatedly after the break up.

 

 

I think you two need to have a heart to heart. A real, deep, meaningful, painful conversation that discusses the roots of your problems, how to fix them & what you actually want to do going forward. You either talk & work together to fix your relationship or you stay apart.

[marky00]

You broke up with her.

 

 

The whole above is very paternalistic in a condescending way. You want her to face her feelings. Her feelings & how she deals with them are none of your business. You dumped her. If you actually love her the way you claim, why did you break up with her? That makes no sense.

 

 

You think she's forcing herself into a new relationship when she wants to be with you. What does she think? I get it, she did sleep with you repeatedly after the break up.

 

 

I think you two need to have a heart to heart. A real, deep, meaningful, painful conversation that discusses the roots of your problems, how to fix them & what you actually want to do going forward. You either talk & work together to fix your relationship or you stay apart.

 

but we don't know if it was a forced dump etc.

 

for example, he might have dumped to save face, knowing she was going to anyway.

 

or maybe he broke up with her to teach her some type of lesson. Yes, stupid thing to do but it happens a fair bit on LS

 

he might be the dumper OFFICIALLY but it sounds like he was the one more invested so probably feels like the dumpee in this situation.