GF is still in contact with an old drunken fling

[grays]

I would not expect a guy to avoid all contact with former lovers for me. I would expect him to be clear about why there's no need for me to fear it.

 

As I said before, a guy who's not able to handle who I am and what I've done is probably not good for me. I wouldn't want to force it on anyone. But its true. Im not a virgin and whoever is with me will have to be able to sleep knowing that. Oh yeah, and also that they can't dictate my current social life and friendships, either.

[road]

So, if an ex is part of their group of friends and therefor they run into each other at parties and such, you would expect your partner to dump all their friends in order to maintain NC?

 

NC means NC.

 

I am sure that the OM/OM's will not always be attending every

event so the other friendships can be maintained.

 

Another example: she wants to throw a barbecue she does not invite the

OM when she invites the others. NC is maintained.

[road]

I would not expect a guy to avoid all contact with former lovers for me. I would expect him to be clear about why there's no need for me to fear it.

 

As I said before, a guy who's not able to handle who I am and what I've done is probably not good for me. I wouldn't want to force it on anyone. But its true. Im not a virgin and whoever is with me will have to be able to sleep knowing that. Oh yeah, and also that they can't dictate my current social life and friendships, either.

 

Because continued contact is ok for you does not make it ok

for everyone else.

 

It is easy to accept woman that is not a virgin as wife material.

Accepting continued contact with those that she has slept with

it not. These forums are filled with affairs that started that way.

 

It is not dictating who you your friends can be.

 

It is dictating that you stop sitting on the fence and being a

cake eater.

 

Dictating that you have to decide who will be more important

in your life, an exlover or your current lover. You see you are

free to choose. You have always been free to choose.

[basil67]

NC means NC.

 

I am sure that the OM/OM's will not always be attending every

event so the other friendships can be maintained.

 

Another example: she wants to throw a barbecue she does not invite the

OM when she invites the others. NC is maintained.

 

Not OM. This is about EX.

 

So you would have her drive a rift through her friendship group to deliberately exclude one member to keep you feeling secure.

[Poutrew]

So, if an ex is part of their group of friends and therefor they run into each other at parties and such, you would expect your partner to dump all their friends in order to maintain NC?

 

Ach! You youngsters don't know how to handle anything. In the past, this situation would have never come up at all. I would have dealt with it by moving several thousand miles away so neither of us would know anybody - we would be starting with a clean slate. Of course, with social apps like face book and such, it is easier to maintain ties across the continents, but they take effort to keep up, and over time, things that require effort tend to peter out... thus solving the problem. It also makes for great conversations when you do eventually meet up with old friends 20 or 30 years in the future and play catch up... so, I would advise in this case to take a lesson from those that have gone before us...

[basil67]

Ach! You youngsters don't know how to handle anything. In the past, this situation would have never come up at all. I would have dealt with it by moving several thousand miles away so neither of us would know anybody - we would be starting with a clean slate. Of course, with social apps like face book and such, it is easier to maintain ties across the continents, but they take effort to keep up, and over time, things that require effort tend to peter out... thus solving the problem. It also makes for great conversations when you do eventually meet up with old friends 20 or 30 years in the future and play catch up... so, I would advise in this case to take a lesson from those that have gone before us...

 

Poutrew, I just turned 50. I was actually thinking of my 55yo husbands friend group when I wrote this. Because iod the friend group, I am friends with women he dated 30 years or more ago. Nobody ever felt the need to go all weird with the friend group if there was an ex there.

[Darren Steez]

I'd really like to hear from the OP. How often does she hang out with these friends and is he with her when they hang out or is it one of these they're my friends so you can't go?

[BluesPower]

My current GF... does not want me hanging out with ex lovers, even ONS's.

 

I know that I would not go back there, but I honor her wishes because I love her. She is the most important woman to me, the others don't matter.

 

And the fact is that I have "some type of feelings" for some of them so I would not want to be around them anyway, it gets messy.

 

She is not making unreasonable demands of me, and I am happy to make her happy. If she had friends or Ex's that I did not feel good about, I would expect the same of her.

 

I am just saying...

[Tribble]

Goodness me. Life is full of complications and, especially now, people you have slept with.

 

I have a friendship group I hang out with a lot. I have slept with 2 of the group. One of them I dated for 3 months and it didn't work out. He got a gf who didn't like me at all and didn't like that we saw each other. My best friends bfs birthday event, all 3 of us were there and she gave me dirty looks all night (this was the first and only time I'd met her). It was quite clearly known that she didn't like me even though I had no interest in her bf and barely spoke to him. It got to the point where she avoided events I 'may be' going to, although he did not. He wanted to see his friends and he had no idea whether I'd be there or not. There was one BBQ I wasn't invited to because she was going. I was really upset about that - these were my friends and I wasn't and hadn't done anything wrong to be excluded. They have since split up. Although not the only reason, I heard that one of the reasons was that I was around.

 

The thing is, in order to not see me, he would have had to stop seeing his friends. Which isn't fair. We barely interact with one another and our relationship didn't even get off the ground. We don't see each other one on one, we very rarely message and often don't speak even in a group setting. In a relationship, you have to trust your partner to be faithful and maintain the correct boundaries, otherwise, what is the point? He's more at risk cheating with a stranger than me. We tried it and it didn't work, why would he risk a relationship for that??

 

I would be very upset if someone gave me an ultimatum of complete NC with anyone I'd slept with or them. They'd be asking me to sacrifice my friends for them. I'd have to check at every event if they were going to be there and what if they changed their mind and turned up anyway? Would I have to leave? It would also put my friends in a horrible situation and make everything much more awkward than it needs to be.

[BluesPower]

Goodness me. Life is full of complications and, especially now, people you have slept with.

 

I have a friendship group I hang out with a lot. I have slept with 2 of the group. One of them I dated for 3 months and it didn't work out. He got a gf who didn't like me at all and didn't like that we saw each other. My best friends bfs birthday event, all 3 of us were there and she gave me dirty looks all night (this was the first and only time I'd met her). It was quite clearly known that she didn't like me even though I had no interest in her bf and barely spoke to him. It got to the point where she avoided events I 'may be' going to, although he did not. He wanted to see his friends and he had no idea whether I'd be there or not. There was one BBQ I wasn't invited to because she was going. I was really upset about that - these were my friends and I wasn't and hadn't done anything wrong to be excluded. They have since split up. Although not the only reason, I heard that one of the reasons was that I was around.

 

The thing is, in order to not see me, he would have had to stop seeing his friends. Which isn't fair. We barely interact with one another and our relationship didn't even get off the ground. We don't see each other one on one, we very rarely message and often don't speak even in a group setting. In a relationship, you have to trust your partner to be faithful and maintain the correct boundaries, otherwise, what is the point? He's more at risk cheating with a stranger than me. We tried it and it didn't work, why would he risk a relationship for that??

 

I would be very upset if someone gave me an ultimatum of complete NC with anyone I'd slept with or them. They'd be asking me to sacrifice my friends for them. I'd have to check at every event if they were going to be there and what if they changed their mind and turned up anyway? Would I have to leave? It would also put my friends in a horrible situation and make everything much more awkward than it needs to be.

 

I get what you are saying...

 

However, I get what SO's are also feeling.

 

For me, no opposite sex friendship is worth killing a great relationship.

 

And unfortunately, I have quite a few woman that I have broken up with that still want to be with me. So there is that.

 

Anyway, for me, I think taking into consideration what your significant other wants or has concerns about is about the least I could do.

 

Most of my life long friends are guys anyhow, so it is not like I am killing old friendships anyway...

[basil67]

Goodness me. Life is full of complications and, especially now, people you have slept with.

 

I have a friendship group I hang out with a lot. I have slept with 2 of the group. One of them I dated for 3 months and it didn't work out. He got a gf who didn't like me at all and didn't like that we saw each other. My best friends bfs birthday event, all 3 of us were there and she gave me dirty looks all night (this was the first and only time I'd met her). It was quite clearly known that she didn't like me even though I had no interest in her bf and barely spoke to him. It got to the point where she avoided events I 'may be' going to, although he did not. He wanted to see his friends and he had no idea whether I'd be there or not. There was one BBQ I wasn't invited to because she was going. I was really upset about that - these were my friends and I wasn't and hadn't done anything wrong to be excluded. They have since split up. Although not the only reason, I heard that one of the reasons was that I was around.

 

The thing is, in order to not see me, he would have had to stop seeing his friends. Which isn't fair. We barely interact with one another and our relationship didn't even get off the ground. We don't see each other one on one, we very rarely message and often don't speak even in a group setting. In a relationship, you have to trust your partner to be faithful and maintain the correct boundaries, otherwise, what is the point? He's more at risk cheating with a stranger than me. We tried it and it didn't work, why would he risk a relationship for that??

 

I would be very upset if someone gave me an ultimatum of complete NC with anyone I'd slept with or them. They'd be asking me to sacrifice my friends for them. I'd have to check at every event if they were going to be there and what if they changed their mind and turned up anyway? Would I have to leave? It would also put my friends in a horrible situation and make everything much more awkward than it needs to be.

 

Reminds me of when one of the guys in my husband's group had a drama queen new girlfriend.

 

She would get all bent out of shape because his ex-fiance (now happily married to someone else with three kids) was still part of the group. And she got bent out of shape because once, someone came with the group who he'd drunkenly kissed one night 30 years earlier.

 

Thankfully she's settled down now, but there was no way the group was going to exclude any exes just to keep the new girlfriend appeased. Nor was the guy going to dump his large friendship group of over thirty years so that the new girlfriend would be happy about him not seeing exes.

[loversquarrel]

Maybe it's as easy as being able to look inwardly and tell one's self "this person isn't the one for me, she doesn't match my values", there is nothing wrong with that, and doesn't make her a bad person either.

[road]

Not OM. This is about EX.

 

So you would have her drive a rift through her friendship group to deliberately exclude one member to keep you feeling secure.

 

OM, EX, a rose by any other name still.........smells.

 

No one is requiring a rift in the friendship of the others

amongst themselves. The others are free to see the OM/EX

all they want.

 

She is not forcing them to exclude the OM/EX. They can invite

the OM/EX to all the events that they want to. She is just choosing

to miss those events. Just as if she was to have a barbecue and

she excludes the OM/EX. The OM/EX lack of his presence will not

prevent the party from being a good time and everyone having

fun. Many times a party is planned and some people can't make

it yet the party was still fun.

 

She is not making them go NC with the OM/EX.

[road]

My current GF... does not want me hanging out with ex lovers, even ONS's.

 

I know that I would not go back there, but I honor her wishes because I love her. She is the most important woman to me, the others don't matter.

 

And the fact is that I have "some type of feelings" for some of them so I would not want to be around them anyway, it gets messy.

 

She is not making unreasonable demands of me, and I am happy to make her happy. If she had friends or Ex's that I did not feel good about, I would expect the same of her.

 

I am just saying...

 

You do not miss the point of being in a relationship.

 

That we do what we need to do to make them, happy, secure,

and number one. While still making ourselves happy. For

being happy is not just getting but giving.

[GoldenR]

Damn, road, you should make that your signature.

[Tribble]

I get what you are saying...

 

However, I get what SO's are also feeling.

 

For me, no opposite sex friendship is worth killing a great relationship.

 

And unfortunately, I have quite a few woman that I have broken up with that still want to be with me. So there is that.

 

Anyway, for me, I think taking into consideration what your significant other wants or has concerns about is about the least I could do.

 

Most of my life long friends are guys anyhow, so it is not like I am killing old friendships anyway...

 

I also understand these feelings. But at some point you have to realise when your requests are reasonable. I'm not saying that an opposite sex friendship is more important than the happiness of an SO, but we're talking about cutting out an entire group of friends just so you won't bump into a ONS. What if you were dating someone who worked with an ex, would they need to quit?

 

I think there is a difference between being friends with an ex and being in the same friendship group as an ex where you might bump into them. If I needed to check if my ex was going to a party before I could go, that would put my friends in a very awkward situation and I would miss out on seeing my friends and having fun with them regularly.

 

A partner is very important and anything they are feeling in valid, but there has to come a point where a compromise is reached. By this token, someone could end up cutting out all their friends and only seeing their SO, which is a very dangerous road to travel.

[grays]

I think both partners have to decide what they can handle and act accordingly. My current guy had a four year relationship with a woman who is currently his best friend. They broke up close to ten years ago and haven't had any romantic or sexual incidents since then. Now he's choosing to be with me. I assume if they wanted to be together, they would. Of course, if he starts spending a ton of time together and he's acting not that into me, Id probably ask some questions. But I kinda think if he was to cheat or fall for another woman, it would be someone other than her.

[road]

Damn, road, you should make that your signature.

 

Signature?

What signature?

 

Real men don't need no stinkin' signatures.

[road]

I also understand these feelings. But at some point you have to realise when your requests are reasonable. I'm not saying that an opposite sex friendship is more important than the happiness of an SO, but we're talking about cutting out an entire group of friends just so you won't bump into a ONS. What if you were dating someone who worked with an ex, would they need to quit?

 

I think there is a difference between being friends with an ex and being in the same friendship group as an ex where you might bump into them. If I needed to check if my ex was going to a party before I could go, that would put my friends in a very awkward situation and I would miss out on seeing my friends and having fun with them regularly.

 

A partner is very important and anything they are feeling in valid, but there has to come a point where a compromise is reached. By this token, someone could end up cutting out all their friends and only seeing their SO, which is a very dangerous road to travel.

 

You are making a false assumption. That the EX will always be

with those friends 24/7/365 to leave no time for her to see her

friends.

[Tribble]

You are making a false assumption. That the EX will always be

with those friends 24/7/365 to leave no time for her to see her

friends.

 

It's not an EX, it's a ONS. Completely different.

 

But either way, I'm not really making an assumption. For every event invite, would you need to check that this person is going? What if mutual friends don't know? You obviously can't ask them directly. What if they say they aren't going and change their mind and go anyway? Would you be expected to leave? Thinking of the particular friendship group I am involved with, everyone is invited to events and people show up if they can, sometimes as a last minute decision. If this was asked of me, I'd have missed my best friends birthday meal, New Years Eve parties and a friends leaving party. I had a great time at all these things and was polite in passing to my ex, nothing more.

 

Should your mutual friends decide to see you separately? What a horrible situation to put your friends in.

 

I completely understand not being friends with an ex or whatever, but expecting you to avoid them at all costs when you have mutual friends seems difficult to accomplish and you'd quite easily lose friends, or at least experiences with them. It's one of the risks taken when you get involved with mutual friends.

 

I probably don't get it because it wouldn't bother me. I'm not a jealous person at all. If I start to question who a partner is friends with, or sees in a larger friendship group, my problem lies with me not trusting them, not with this other person. If I can't trust them with someone they've tried with and it didn't work with, how could I trust them with a stranger? At that point, why bother being with them if you don't trust them? This also veers a little too much into controlling territory for me.

[road]

Ive been with my GF for about 6 months now. Found out she had drunken sex with one of the guys in her circle of friends. She said it was a one time thing but he’s still in her life and they talk once in a while. Guy happens to be a little bit of a dirtbag. Should I be concerned? I don’t want to be the jealous type but I really don’t like the fact they still talk.

 

It's not an EX, it's a ONS. Completely different.

 

 

Sex once, twice, thrice, or a diary and a calculator to get to

the total number of times. For the actual number does not matter

after the first time because she never claim that they; her and the

OM/EX/ONS; never had sex.

 

I do not know how people ignore the trickle truth syndrome?

 

You know, only admit to what someone can prove what you did.

 

The old it was just a kiss. The throw out a bit of truth hoping you

will be satisfied and not ask for more. Eventually the kiss was a

petting session, then oral, then sex, but it was only one time

and it was not good, to he was hung like a horse and...........

 

Being people are all for making assumptions then lets all assume

she is a Jedi Master at trickle truthing; that is not the cock that I rode

cowgirl on all night.