Feel forced to choose between family and boyfriend! And uninvited to Christmas!

[Olympia]

I came to this forum back in September to seek advice on a new relationship and a guy who I had recently been dating.

 

The really big catch was, this guy was homeless. I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs of why he's life was in the place it was, unless you want me too because i've said it all before. The fact is, he is a good guy, who has been dealt hard cards, had a heart life, but has remained positive and optimistic, and humble & kind!

 

I can understand the extreme initial reaction people had when they found out. On paper maybe it sounded mad. I'm from a wealthy family, private school, uni, I've got my career underway, I've got my own flat. Both my exs were junior doctors (which is one of about 5 careers deemed 'acceptable' by my mother for a partner for me or my sister)! But it happened like anything happens, not on paper, i met him by chance, he stopped me being mugged (or maybe even worse). We spent the night together, maybe that was a rash decision, maybe that wasn’t my finest hour, but it was one night! It never occurred to me that I would need so desperately to see him again, but I did. It never occurred to me that we would get on so amazingly, or that I would feel happier that I have ever felt, but we did and I do. It never occurred to me that I would fall into a kind of love that I’d never felt, but I have! I love him!

 

Anyway, I don’t want the rewrite everything I said in my last thread but the gist is that when my parents found out, prematurely, they were dramatically less than impressed. They were angry!

 

As a result our relationship has been cagey ever since! Basically they are barely talking to me, especially my mum! I have still been speaking to my sister, but we were never close close anyway, and she’s just loving the chance to ‘one up’ me I think!

 

They don’t want me to see him. They don’t want to meet him. They don’t want to hear about him. They refuse to accept he’s part of my life.

I saw them last month for my dads birthday and of was.. laboured, but they were fine-ish, so long as we all acted like nothing had ever happens and he didn’t exist!

 

It’s just pathetic! They pretend it’s because they care about me but if they cared they would want to know what’s happening in my life, if they cared they would have cared that my last boyfriends were k**bheads (for want of a better word) who treated me badly, but no, that was okay because they were going to be doctors!

They care about money, they care about reputation, and status, and maybe I’m somewhere in there too, but I feel like I’m pretty far down that list!

 

My sister, her fiancé and I always stay at my parents on Christmas Eve so we can spend the morning and then the day together.

Obviously I want to see my boyfriend on Christmas but I wouldn’t be so stupid as to think we could play happy family’s, so I said to them that I’ll stay there on the 24th as normal, stay for the whole morning and have dinner but then leave after to go home. Which is obviously so I can then see Luke!

And they flipped out!

Basically told me that if I’m going to do that then I might as well not bother coming!!! Wtf!!?

 

I was just really hurt. I love my parents, of course! But they are behaving in a way that makes it really really hard to like them.

I feel like basically forced to choose between them and him, and one of those options makes me happy & to feel good about myself and the other makes me feel like *****!!

 

It’s horrible!

I even got mad at him, poor lad, because he suggested if it was upsetting me we could just see each other the next Day instead, I was like all super emotional “right, so you don’t want to see me Christmas either then!!!!” :o even my emotional worse doesn’t seem to put him off though, he’s always so lovely & supportive!

[d0nnivain]

Gee that is awful. It amazes me that ugliness that people can spew on what should be all about peace on earth. Perhaps calmly remind your family of the true meaning of Christmas & tell them you are coming anyway. Just go & then leave when you want. I doubt they'll slam the door in your face or bar you from leaving.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I suspect all will work out just fine and it will all end perfectly like a Hallmark movie, all wrapped up in a bow. After all, his name is Luke! (Luke chapter 2 in the Bible is the Christmas story....my dad always read it aloud to us on Christmas morning before we could open gifts.)

[healing light]

I remember your thread and am happy to see that you embraced your feelings for this guy despite your upbringing. Is he now living with you?

 

Sorry about the situation with your parents. I don't really have anything too helpful to say. I think your idea of spending Christmas eve with one and Christmas with the other was a good one. Maybe you can reverse the order and see him on Christmas eve and them on Christmas if they're throwing a fit. Or perhaps you can spend the night on Christmas eve and then leave mid-day Christmas and have the night with your love? I'm assuming that offering that you're happy to stay both days if he comes along isn't an option? Your parents probably wouldn't be too civil with that, huh?

 

What do you want? Do you want to spend the holidays with your family? Do you otherwise like them and enjoy their company?

[Gaeta]

New relationship from September? This guy should not even be in the equation after so little time. Worry about next year Xmas if this guy is still around. If my daughter cut me off on holidays to spend time with his 2 month boyfriend I'd flip too.

[Olympia]

Gee that is awful. It amazes me that ugliness that people can spew on what should be all about peace on earth. Perhaps calmly remind your family of the true meaning of Christmas & tell them you are coming anyway. Just go & then leave when you want. I doubt they'll slam the door in your face or bar you from leaving.

Ah I know! ..I've always known my family was, maybe, a little.. stuck up, but i've always believed that they were good people, and now I'm just, not so sure, the way they are behaving is just.. cold!

Ah the Christmas thing i just dont know what to do about know.. they were barley barley talking to me before and know im not sure that they are talking to me at all! My dads birthday was awkward and i feel like now its going to be even worse!

Im dreading the thought of seeing them, i know its going to be awful! Part of me thinks like, i'll just rent a cabin somewhere and get away from the world for the whole thing, but then i also know that if i dont see them thats going to make the whole situation even worse.. but i feel like they are all trying to bully me into doing what they want me to do!

 

I remember your thread and am happy to see that you embraced your feelings for this guy despite your upbringing. Is he now living with you?

He isnt living with me... but he is staying with me a lot! It just wound up that way, the evenings are when we tend to have free to hang out and I want to see him, and I really struggle with the thought of him leaving mine for a tent, way more than he does!

He did use my address to apply for a couple of jobs though, which is great because he got a singing gig 3 times a week at a hotel, and more recently he got a job at the local go kart track, maintaining and fixing go karts, which he just loves, anything to get behind the wheel again!

 

Maybe you can reverse the order and see him on Christmas eve and them on Christmas if they're throwing a fit.

Yeah, and I know that he'd be cool with whatever, to his mind Christmas hasnt been special to him since he was 14 when his mum died. But I just wanted to see him, and maybe to make it just a little bit special! I dont know, i knew they wouldn't be gloriously happy, but i just don't get why it has to be like this. It's frustrating and upsetting!

Or perhaps you can spend the night on Christmas eve and then leave mid-day Christmas and have the night with your love?

This was my plan, stay with them for dinner and then leave at like 3ish.

I'm assuming that offering that you're happy to stay both days if he comes along isn't an option? Your parents probably wouldn't be too civil with that, huh?

Exactly!! And i would! But they wont even acknowledge his existence, unless they are having a rant at me!!

It's just rude to treat any human being like that! I think so anyway!

 

What do you want? Do you want to spend the holidays with your family? Do you otherwise like them and enjoy their company?

Pfffttttt, I dont even know.. i was happy enough to spend christmas eve with them and all of christmas morning and then go see him in the afternoon/evening, but i don't know.

I love them, of course I love them! But i feel like im only 'in' when im doing what they want me to do, and because im not its all so difficult and awkward! I'm going to be damned if i di and damned if i dont at this point!

Part of me wants to rent some christmas cabin and get away from anything but i know that long term that'll make the situation worse, and i dont want to fall out with my family if i can help it!

[Olympia]

New relationship from September? This guy should not even be in the equation after so little time. Worry about next year Xmas if this guy is still around. If my daughter cut me off on holidays to spend time with his 2 month boyfriend I'd flip too.

I'm not 'cutting them off', I was going to be there all Christmas eve and all of Christmas till like 3! Im not abandoning them!

They dont care about that anyway, i know for a fact if he was a doctor or a lawyer then they wouldnt be bothered one bit about me leaving then to see him! In fact, more than that, they would be rolling out the red carpet for him!

 

Maybe its a little faster than normal, but then i think under the circumstances that maybe was always going to be the case. It's not like he's going to be spending christmas with his family, he doesnt have any, he'll be by himself, and I love the man, i dont want that, i want to see him!

[NuevoYorko]

You're not being forced to choose between family and boyfriend, you're facing the choice between living your life to please your parents or for yourself.

[Shepp]

Olympia! I remember your last thread! I am pleased you guys have given it a go, I liked this guy (and you) from reading your last thread!

 

The way I see it, as both someones son and someones dad, is they have every right to be concerned! Of course they do, even you were concerned by his situation initially

 

BUT, i dont believe that being concerned excuses the way they are behaving towards you now! You've not done anything wrong!

 

Normally i would strongly encourage not making it an either or scenario and keeping your relationship with both parties strong, but separate, for the moment at least. But the fact that your relationship with your parents is suffering and deteriorating because they seem unable to keep their relationship with you vs their opinion on your relationship as two separate things obviously makes that approach much harder/

 

I'm assuming that there's no way they would be willing to address the elephant in all your lives and actually meet him?

Have any of your family met him? Or even your friends?

Maybe if more people start to accept and act like this guy is a part of your life, you parents will start to accept it too?

[clia]

Honestly, if my sister told me she was dating a homeless guy, I would be very worried about her. So, I think your family is likely coming from a place of concern -- they are likely worried you will be hurt, scammed, conned, or whatever else might happen. I really don't think it's necessarily stuck up to want your child or sibling to be with a person who has a place to live.

 

It's only been a few months, which is still very early, even in a normal relationship. And he's already spending most nights at your place and using your address. Even if he wasn't homeless, that speed might raise some red flags. Have any of your friends met him? What do they think?

 

Does he have any plan to get into a home? Does he have any plan to get a full time job? Your parents may warm up over time if they see that he has made some progress.

[Olympia]

You're not being forced to choose between family and boyfriend, you're facing the choice between living your life to please your parents or for yourself.

 

Yeah, I mean i do live my life for myself, i wouldn't be with him if i didn't, i knew full well that it wouldnt please them, i just dont understand why we all have to fall out over it!

 

Olympia! I remember your last thread! I am pleased you guys have given it a go, I liked this guy (and you) from reading your last thread!

Thank you Shepp!

 

I'm assuming that there's no way they would be willing to address the elephant in all your lives and actually meet him?

Have any of your family met him? Or even your friends?

Maybe if more people start to accept and act like this guy is a part of your life, you parents will start to accept it too?

No, I struggle to envisage a time when they will meet him.. they’ll happily rant to high heaven about him but they won’t do much as hear his name! I can’t imagine getting them to be in a room with him!

 

My best friend (since I was about 7) met him just by accident one morning when she came over mine, it was brief but she liked him. She was so excited the next day I saw her until I made the mistake of telling her he was homeless (thinking I could confide in her) she told my sister and set the whole thing in motion!

 

Since then I’ve been much much more weary so some of my friends have met him but I haven’t told them about his current financial situation, just that ‘he’s new to the area’!

We’ve spent quite a bit of time as a couple with one of my very good friends and her husband which is so nice, I always love spending time with her and my goddaughter but sometimes I feel a bit of a third wheel but my guy and her husband get on SO well that we’ve actually been seeing them more! It all just feels really natural!

She keeps teasing me about how good he is with babies which is ludicrous and no where near on the cards but, being surrounded by so much negativity around my relationship, their support actually means a lot to me!

[Olympia]

I really don't think it's necessarily stuck up to want your child or sibling to be with a person who has a place to live.

Of course! I understand that! But the truth is even if he had his own place he still wouldn’t be good enough! They put a stop to my sister dating a high school science teacher for not being a good enough career, and I can understand what your daughters to be financially secure but not to the exclusion of everything going else! I’m sure my mum still believes that my biggest mistake was not taking back my ex, who cheated on me - twice! Just because he was going to be a surgeon and one day might be able to buy me a Porsche, like those things are what matter!!

I don’t think they are bad people! We just have really different opinions on how to value ones life!

 

It's only been a few months, which is still very early, even in a normal relationship. And he's already spending most nights at your place and using your address. Even if he wasn't homeless, that speed might raise some red flags.

We have moved quite fast! That is true! I’m probably being the queen of mixed signals because I think it’s too soon to talk about moving in, but I also.. want him to stay every night! I just love waking up in his arms! I’ve never felt like that before!

 

Have any of your friends met him? What do they think?

Like I said above We’ve spent quite a bit of time as a couple with one of my very good friends and her husband which is so nice, I always love spending time with her and my goddaughter but sometimes I feel a bit of a third wheel but my guy and her husband get on SO well that we’ve actually been seeing them more! It all just feels really natural!

She keeps teasing me about how good he is with babies which is ludicrous and no where near on the cards but, being surrounded by so much negativity around my relationship, their support actually means a lot to me! But they don’t know his financial/living situation, all I said was he’s new to the area!

 

Does he have any plan to get into a home? Does he have any plan to get a full time job? Your parents may warm up over time if they see that he has made some progress.

He doesn’t seem to have much plan (at least short term) in regard for housing, although he is saving money!

Work wise... that situation has improved a lot just in the time I’ve known him, he’s gone from just busking when w first met to now paid gigs 3 evenings a week, working on the go karts 3-4 days a week, and he’s still busking!

Even when it’s like Baltic outside and I’m like ‘you’d be mad to go that’ he’ll still go, I think He genuinely enjoys it, and he does okay money’s wise from it to be honest!

I mean it’s not Monday - Friday 9-5 work but nevertheless it’s a massive improvement from when I first met him!

[Shepp]

What's his take on it all? I'm assuming he knows the reaction your family & friends have had?

 

Is he still on the street? The days that he's not staying with you.

[Olympia]

What's his take on it all? I'm assuming he knows the reaction your family & friends have had?

Yeah he does know, I'm sure it's probably not what you dream of dealing with in a brand new relationship, but i have told him because I have been upset about the whole thing!

He, he hasn’t really made it about him, he’s mostly just tried to support me! I think he doesn’t understand them not giving him a chance just for my sake not for his, but he doesn’t really say anything negative!

He’s actually quite philosophical about life in a very non bookish, practical kind of way, most stuff just seems to be water off a ducks back for him ...a practical philosophical, can that be a thing haha

 

Is he still on the street? The days that he's not staying with you.

Yeah, well he has a tent! But it’s absolutely freezing outside now, I can’t sleep with the thought of him out there it just doesn’t seem right! He knows I hate it and he tells me that he can just get a hotel room, but A) I’m not sure he actually would and B) it seems like such a waste of money, particularly if I’m home, not doing anything, and wanting to see him!