audio domino Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 I am now in an open marriage. It has been open for about a month. It began at my wife's request/demand after we were separated for a year and a half. The separation lasted much longer than I had anticipated but it had some road blocks along the way. At my return home, due to car/transportation issues she and my daughter have been staying at her mother's house. I was reluctant to agree to an open marriage but agreed upon it as a temporary thing and if that's what it took to keep us together. My issue(s) with it are no discussion or ground rule officially set. Just a few restrictions thrown out randomly such as no one in our bedroom, use protection and no friends. The reason for no more discussion is we are on opposite side of almost everything. I want openness, honesty and full disclosure about who, when and where. She wants total privacy with no questions asked and no rules or limitations except the few random restrictions mentioned earlier. At this point she has met a whole network of people in online dating sites. Many have been fake and pushed away. Many have been on dates with her. She averages 1-3 dates per week. She says she has not been physical (not even as little as hugs) with any of them but I'm not sure. I only get a first name if that. Minor details are given when she is done with one and that is usually a short flash of their picture. I have been on zero date and seriously talked about going out with one person until research revealed she had to much drama for me. I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 I am now in an open marriage. It has been open for about a month. It began at my wife's request/demand after we were separated for a year and a half. The separation lasted much longer than I had anticipated but it had some road blocks along the way. At my return home, due to car/transportation issues she and my daughter have been staying at her mother's house. I was reluctant to agree to an open marriage but agreed upon it as a temporary thing and if that's what it took to keep us together. My issue(s) with it are no discussion or ground rule officially set. Just a few restrictions thrown out randomly such as no one in our bedroom, use protection and no friends. The reason for no more discussion is we are on opposite side of almost everything. I want openness, honesty and full disclosure about who, when and where. She wants total privacy with no questions asked and no rules or limitations except the few random restrictions mentioned earlier. At this point she has met a whole network of people in online dating sites. Many have been fake and pushed away. Many have been on dates with her. She averages 1-3 dates per week. She says she has not been physical (not even as little as hugs) with any of them but I'm not sure. I only get a first name if that. Minor details are given when she is done with one and that is usually a short flash of their picture. I have been on zero date and seriously talked about going out with one person until research revealed she had to much drama for me. I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help! Either she wants to fix your marriage with you or she does not. You cannot fix your marriage with her going on dates with other guys while you try to accommodate her demands doing the Pick-Me Dance. Put your foot down and tell her this is unacceptable, either she works with you to fix this or it's over. Compromising yourself as a man as you are never works and will hurt even more for you in the end! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 Open marriages are a real thing that works for some people. However, your story sounds like this is the last station before divorce in a marriage that had already gone terribly wrong a long time ago. You were separated for a long time. She agreed to stay with you temporarily as long as she could act completely like a single person and go on dates. Do you really think it's likely that she's going to suddenly decide "wait, I don't actually want to date, I want to be with you and only you forever"? I don't. At best, she'll decide that staying married to you is okay as long as you have no control over her life and she gets to sleep with whoever she wants, whenever she wants. More likely, she'll just date around until she finds someone she wants to be with seriously, and then she will file whether you like it or not. Sorry to be nothing but bad news but I don't see a lot of good possibilities here. Your problems aren't the 'open' situation, your problems are whatever led up to this, which we don't know about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 I've always heard that it's much easier for women in open marriages to find partners than it is the men. I guess you've found that to be true, too. Part of the reason may be that the primary, if not only, reason you've agreed is to appease your wife. Chances are that she knows it too, and if she had any respect for you before (doubtful), she's completely lost it now. So respect yourself. Tell her that this open marriage crap ends now, and if she's not cool with that then she knows where the door is. As another poster here is fond of saying, if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone to? If your marriage stands any chance at all, it will because you've drawn hard but reasonable boundaries and value yourself too much to be a part of this nonsense. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 One thing I'd like to rule out: this isn't a revenge thing, is it? Was the separation caused by any unfaithfulness on your part? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 Welcome to LS My sympathies. A contentious and disconnected marriage is no picnic. One observation as an old married, now divorced, guy: She hasn't been celibate for a year and a half. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author audio domino Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 No. It may be revenge for me leaving because her favorite thing to say in response to a lot of statements is "a year and a half remember? A year and a f*#¿ing half. " However the separation was not due to unfaithfulness at all on either side. Things got pretty nasty in our marriage and she lost her temper one night and physically attacked me. When I had to fight her off (using only necessary physical force, I hate woman beaters) and she ended up on the floor in tears asking why I would throw her down I decided it was time to go. Did some counseling which didn't last long but things did improve. So I returned, to this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author audio domino Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 She did sleep with 2 people during the separation but told me about them when I asked. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 Again, the 'open marriage' is not the problem at all, and getting rid of that will not fix your marriage. Your marriage is broken. You need to get out. She wants out, and it is not good for you to stay and subject yourself to this in some desperate attempt to keep your 'family' together. You are hurting yourself and you need to stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 I want my marriage to work because I am and believe I will forever be madly in love with this woman but am afraid it is just a short and I mean really short matter of time before I lose her. Please help! Sorry, whats your question again? You have been separated for 18 months. She has slept with two people. You are now together in an open marriage and she is dating every week and you have not gone on any dates. You marriage is over. I dont think there is much else left to do than file papers and move on with life. You may be madly in love with your wife all you want, she does not sound like she is in love with you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 You're trying to save a marriage that doesn't exist. All you're doing is getting yourself played. She's getting everything she wants at your expense. What are you getting out of it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author audio domino Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately it all points in the direction my thoughts were already in. It's hard to walk away when you care and love a person so much and know by observing her body language and voice when we are together she loves me. The separation changed both of us. i have been talking to her about counseling again. i think that will be my final attempt at repair. At least that way I can walk away with my head held high and knowing I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Thanks again, I'm sure y'all will hear from me in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately it all points in the direction my thoughts were already in. It's hard to walk away when you care and love a person so much and know by observing her body language and voice when we are together she loves me. The separation changed both of us. i have been talking to her about counseling again. i think that will be my final attempt at repair. At least that way I can walk away with my head held high and knowing I did everything in my power to keep our marriage going. Thanks again, I'm sure y'all will hear from me in the future. Perhaps its worth a shot to say, this open marriage thing is not working for you. ask her, does she want to drop the open marriage thing and make a serious strong concerted attempt at counseling again and commit to it for X number of months. If it doesn't work, you say your good byes. Perhaps she will have more respect for you. I fail to see why a woman who you have given complete freedom to date and sleep with anyone she wants while you arent -- is going to have any sort of respect for you. only pity for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 Her behaviour sounds disgusting, quite frankly. Forcing an open marriage on someone who doesn't want one, and then refusing to provide details when the other person wants full disclosure. She's a bully. I would lay down the law. Tell her it's completely unacceptable to treat you like this, and she either needs to get serious about fixing the marriage, or it's divorce time. I know that you love her and you want to try to save the marriage, but it seems to me only two paths are available the way things are going (1) she keeps dating (with you as a safety net) until she meets someone and then moves on, (2) this carries on indefinitely - can you really live like that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FastHands Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 (edited) I think you still love her "you" but her on the other hand-she slept with 2 guys? I think she has attraction for others except you. Just think if there were children? I'm kinda lost why a woman or man doesn't realize they need to be faithful to their partner and marriage, and how easy it was to cheat/leave. I also think of all the work that went into the marriage and all the sudden it evaporated? Also how people don't take marriage seriously and one day decide to become a teenager again. Lol how marriage is beautiful? And someday it becomes a monster. Why even get married in the first place? Edited December 12, 2017 by FastHands 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Her behaviour sounds disgusting, quite frankly. Maybe, but I’m not sure that is the case here without a lot more details about the relationship between OP and his wife. We really don’t have enough background to know the wife’s motivations. For example, OP initiated the separation a year and a half ago. Maybe the wife was begging him to come back and reconcile for a while and OP refused. I can see how a wife would essentially feel abandoned after her husband leaves and doesn’t come back for a year, and it wouldn’t be surprising in that situation if the wife goes looking for companionship from other men. To the OP: What is your wife telling you regarding her desire with respect to your marriage? How has that changed if at all over the past year? Are you the only one pushing to be together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Hi audio, I am sorry but you do not have an open marriage. Yours is a Hotwife relationship which has been forced on you by your wife on her terms and conditions and you have been pu5 in the position of liking it or lumping it. Open marriages can work only where the marriage is already very strong and the two partners in it have some outside play for both of them to keep the excitement alive. It is not something that is imposed by one partner on the other. Also, there has to be complete transparency and trust on both sides to be successful. If the marriage is already under strain then it is a recipe for disaster. In your case your wife has coerced you to agree to an open marriage as a precondition to reconciling. She might as well have held a gum to your marriage and threatened to shoot it dead. Even that would be a waste of a bullet as the marriage is dead already. Your only hope for yourself is to file for divorce, have her served and move on with your life. You have not given any back story about yourselves how long you were married, how old the two of you are and what was the reason for the two of you to fight so violently that your wife had to strike you? Let us have them to give you better feedback. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 I am sorry, but where is the marriage in all of this? And why exactly you agreed to this kind of humiliating arrangement? Please don't say you love her. She clearly doesn't love you, so you need to deal with your emotions and get yourself out of this filthy mess. I am not sure if you mentioned how old is your daughter, but for her to witness this kind of relationship dynamics is very unhealthy. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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