Help for my teenage son through divorce

[Serenity35]

I'll try and make this short and to the point. After a year of separation I'm still having trouble with my teenage son and his total hatred of me. He blames me for the separation and divorce. We have been in counseling together and I have tried so hard with him. When were together we seem to take 2 steps forward and then he goes to his Dad's and we're 3 steps back.

I was the one who left the family home after many year's of ridicule, having to justify every move I made not only to him but his Mother (at times I wasn't sure who I was married too and who I had to answer too) and trying to please a man who cannot be emotionally happy. I found myself being sucked down into his downward spiral of depression, until if gained the strength to pull myself out of it. He is on meds now and is under physciatric care, but is still very bitter that I left. Even now when we have conversations on the phone he tries hard to belittle me. I have had to learn not to let it bother me and reside to the fact that he won't change.

We have 3 boys together. He has used the kids as pawns because he knows my kids are my world and always have been. I fought like crazy and my younger 2 and I are in a good place now. I have a successful career, a nice home, the kids have lots of friends and are happy and at peace with things, but I wish I could say the same about my oldest.

When he is with us he is in my opinion abusive to his brothers and me, both physically and emotionally. When he wants something he is kind and nice, that usually lasts for a few days after he gets what he wants and then we go back to the way things were. He once told his younger bother that I would kill him in his sleep if he stayed at my place, and his Dad would die if he came with me. He told his brothers some terrible untrue things about their new school, and now their scared to switch schools this Sept. When I try and discuss these things with his Dad, he turns a blind eye and refuses to believe me. Last week he started therapy to strengthen his leg (which he broke at the being of summer). I had to take time off work to take him 3 days in a row. On the ride home he turned to me and said that his grandmother was more of a Mother than I would ever be.

I truly believe his Dad and his grandmother use him as their sounding board and relay things to him are untrue to keep us from having any kind of relationship.

All my friends and family who see what is going on say I'm fighting a losing battle and to just throw my hands up and give up for now, they say you've done everything you can, just sit back and be patient and in time he will come around and see for himself the lies and manipulation they are putting him through, they say I need to stop letting him use me to get the things they won't give him. I'm so afraid these important teenage years are going to be remembered as full of turmoil and hate for him.

What would you do or has anyone here been through this already and what did you do?

[suegail]

Serenity, What do you think? I mean is he acting as if he may also have some kind of chemical disorder which will require medication? Do his mood swings remind you of his father's? This business of telling his brother that you'd kill him in his sleep should set off some alarms. Sounds like the talk of a profoundly disturbed kid.

 

I think you have to rule mental illness out before you can decide how to proceed. Has he been seen by anyone qualified to evaluate his mental condition?

[quankanne]

stay strong through this hateful stage he's going through -- as the previous poster has pointed out, at some point the boy is going to start thinking for himself, and will see that things aren't as his dad or granny paint them.

 

I too think you should consider psychiatric counselling to rule out if the boy has a chemical imbalance that only magnifies what he's feeling inside about your marriage break-up.

 

reassure him that no matter how bad things get or how hateful he becomes, you will love him because he is your child. Sometimes kids -- of whatever age -- need that reassurance when their worlds are turned upside down (in reality or in their heads), and are glad to know it even if they act otherwise.

 

best of luck to you

[Serenity35]

Thank you both for the reply. Yes I have long since thought he needed to be seen by a medical professional. I am going to meet with the counselor we saw together to get her opinion on further help. His latest antic was stealing something from me that he knows was important and took it to his dad.

What do you think about keeping a tape recorder handy when we're together to tape our conversations? I seem to need to have proof before his father will ever believe how our son behaves. He won't take my word for it. I truly only want what is best for him and I truly feel the path he is taking is only going to lead to worse concequences.

[suegail]

If you feel the boy's father can be reasoned with I don't think a tape recorder would be a bad idea. Hopefully he would want very much to see his son get the help he needs. It's a shame there is so much distrust on the part of the father, toward you. It makes things very hard.

 

Have you tried counseling with the father present? Do you feel it would only turn into a disaster if you all did sit down with a counselor? From all you've said, considering the father's history of emotional problems of his own and hostility toward you and manipulative behavior regarding the kids - - it just does not bode well, but you might ask him, for the sake of his son to at least try and sit down with a counselor and discuss all the problems with your son present so that your son can understand how much you are trying to help him. As I said, maybe it's out of the question if your ex husband will not give up the axe he wants to grind, but if he could only stop and think that your son's emotional well being is at stake.

 

Please keep us informed on how things are going.

[Sad Mom 2]

Its the father who is allowing this to happen that is sick, sounds like your oldest is being played by the father..... look up PAS ....... happened with my oldest daughter who thank the lord returned from the dark side and is now in her 5th year of college and studying for her doctorate in psychology BUT....... she has two younger brothers, my sons, who are a mess and one is a drop out of school, jail, etc.... the other has been told hes slow and is on the verge of Daddy signing him out of school............. Once a sick parent......always a sick parent, once they learn what works your other two children are at risk also when parents allow children to choose they most always choose the easy way or the least restrictive way... more freedom, less rules, throw in a car and see ya Mom...........Document...........Document.... Document.............everything the ex does, says times............you'll need it someday at the very least to have the only proof you'll ever had that you tried........... good luck my friend

[roxyg]

I guess I feel as if recording conversations would only make the child more angry, as if you were hiding something from him. My parents finalized their divorce my first year of college, needless to say, it was hard on all of us. I have an older brother, who despised my father for so many years prior to the divorce, and all of a sudden he was on my father's side of things. It was hard to reason with him because he saw all of us, my mom, sister, and I as the enemies, and he and my father were perfect. I don't know your son or how he expresses himself, but find an outlet, find something that the two of you can really do together, or just share a common interest in. Spend time with him, without the other siblings, and don't mention his father or grandmother. Let him come to you. You are doing your best to be strong, take some time out for you too. If your son really wants to live with his father, then just let him go. I don't think it's fair that your other two children live in fear of their older brother who puts horrid thoughts into their heads. They too are at risk. Putting your son on drugs to "cure" his problems isn't always the best solution, yes it's the easiest, but before coming to that stage, look at other options. Don't give up hope children sense that in parents. If your ex-husband, will not believe you, then let it be, he's obviously not even responsible enough to take care of himself. Don't push it with him, he'll only retaliate more and force your son away from you, like he already has.

[Lil Honey]

Serenity35:

 

You sound SO MUCH like another Mom that I know. She was told by many people to give up on her son. It turns out that he's bi-polar and is on medication. So, I have to agree with the others that your son needs a psychiatric evaluation.

 

As tempted as I would be also to record your conversations, I think I have to vote no. I think that if your son finds out that you are doing it, he will feel that his privacy has been invaded. I think he will also feel that you are using it to hold what he says against him. And IMHO, I don't think the father is going to believe you, no matter WHAT the proof. He is simply going to try to make your life a nightmare.

 

(I am going to send a link to the Mom I know and see if she posts for you.)

[Serenity35]

Thank you all so very much....Tempted as I am to say "I told you so" to the ex, I won't do anything to break his trust (even if he only has a tiny shread let"

Thank you to Sad Mom, I have been researching PAS (parental alienation syndrom) for quite sometime. 2 of my 3 were affected by this, it usually happens to the father..What it has taut me is to be careful not to let it happen from my end, now I need to find away to break the cycle with the oldest, and not resort to this tactic. The little person in me wants to throw in my digs when the oldest comes bragging about things their father is doing or getting. I'm getting tired of bitting my tounge....but will do so because that is the right thing to do!

Thanks you guys/ladies are all great!!