the_opposite_sex Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 i've posted a thread similar to this in here before....about how my b/f and I were separated for 2 mts and during those 2 mts, we both had a sexual encounter w/ one other person that we both regret. He's put everything in the past, however, I can't let go of what happened w/ him. To top it all off, he told his brother about it right after it happened and his brother said that it was almost a threesome. His bro said he wasn't bragging about it or anything but they have a close relationship where they share everything that goes on in their lives. The point is that i've had a hard enough time letting this thing go, let alone finding out last night that it was almost a threesome! I've had problems lettin things go w/ him since we've been together and thats been 4 1/2 yrs, not counting the 2 mt split. I think it's a mental problem i have or something, i dunno...i have an appt to speak to a counselor in person for the first time this Wednesday and I can't wait! heh I was just seeing if anyone out there had any input. I'm soo desperate to let this thing go, especially since I know neither of us can go back and change anything anyways....so i'm well aware that dwelling on this is pointless but I couldn't see him doin something like to begin with...to just go out and have sex w/ someone he doesn't have any intentions of being in a relationship w/ nor was he attracted to her, he just used her...i dunno.... Link to post Share on other sites
Neofire Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Hi there, just a few thoughts of my own.... How is your relationship now?? We go thrugh life being attracted to total strangers, a glance across a bar or on a train can stimulate sexual attraction betwen two people but you just shrug it off and go on with your life, after all your in love already with an attractive person. Being on a break is hard to do for anyone and you both had sex, it was probably great at the time as well!!!!!, and to have sex you are usually attracted to the person in question, goes without saying, so he was probably attracted to her. What you have to concentrate on is the circumstances, you were apart and the fling was probably for comfort and in no way comes close to anything you guys have between you right now. Talking to his brother is natural if they are close and you musn't look at this as a betrayal of you. Its hard to forget things, they always come into your mind when you least expect (I've been there too) and concentrate on what you have now. Let go of the past, he loves YOU and he is with YOU, not the other girl!!!, he is attracted to you and you have to manipulate this to your benefit. You sound like a lovely person and deserve to be happy, please try and forget what happened adn see it for what it is, he couldn't have you at the time, so make sure he can have you in the future!!!. Stay in love guys, sorry about all the BS I'm having a crap time of it myself. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 his brother said prior to goin to her apartment, he had been at a bar...so alcohol was involved. He said she was just an object...and also that he wasn't attracted to her...well he said she looked hot at the beginning but when it was all said and done, he was like "what the hell did i just do??" But just the thought that there were almost TWO girls involved...ugh. what's weird is that he didn't tell his brother he regretted it, but he told me he did. Whether or not that means anything, i dunno. But I do know that he loves ME, he never cared for that girl besides what was b/w her legs...thats basically what he told me...he was only after one thing that night....but what stinks is that her apartment complex is just right across the road from us. *we live together now* So everyday i have to see that place and think 'well there's where it all went down'. But he's moved past it, he doesn't care anything about it nor does he think about it....i wish i had his mindset... this sucks Link to post Share on other sites
Neofire Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Hey you sound really sad, wish I could help hunni!. Coming from a guys point of view he's not gonna say he regrets it to his brother, guys don't do that they would rather gloat about it (not me though), so it's natural he would tell you and not him. Most guys are lying gits, and would shag anything so if you've got it good keep it and try and be positive about it, if your relationship is strong then you shouldn't worry too much. If it were me I would feel guilty as hell even though we were apart, but I wouldn't tell you that as I would want to strengthen your belief in the relationship by saying I'm over it and we're ok. Mabye he feels the same about your fling but won't say, I wouldn't. Wish I had a wife like you though, I feel as if mine couldn't give a damn, the way you feel would make me feel more loved and would want to prove to you that your the only one, and always will be. Hope your ok.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 sad isn't really the word for it....it controls my every thought, it's all i think about...like details, if he stills thinks or compares things b/w her and I *since her and I are the only 2 ppl he's had sex w/ in his life, he's 22 yrs old*. I know this counseling session this Wednesday is probly gonna save our relationship. it made him feel even worse when guys at his work found out about it....they gave him a sickening look b/c she's a bigger gal, not very attractive...*she works at the same place as he does, just different dept.* im very anxious to get into counseling, i wish i was there now! Link to post Share on other sites
Neofire Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Well I hope you get on well with the councelling, please let me know how it goes. Feel free anytime you need to talk. Be confident in yourself, as you say you are an attractive woman, he has everything to loose so won't risk it by going over the past and upsetting you. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 does it make any difference that he almost had a threesome though? or is it just part of the whole 'he had sex w/ someone else, let it go' sorta thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Neofire Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Thats a tough one, does it really make that much difference that it was with one or two women?? Its just sex, as long as there is no love involved then you can continue with life, i would be more worried about affection than sex. My wife always said she could maybe cope with an affair that just had sex, but to be in love with someone else would be devastating. I suppose its how you view it, just think of it as it is, plain old sex, no feelings at all. The only feelings are for you and that is much stronger than just physical contact, combine his love for you and the fact that he's yours and your in a win win situation. The other person maybe jealous of you!!, keep that in mind. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 you make a very good point Neofire...his brother thinks that he maybe did it for an ego boast, since i was the only one he had been w/ before his one night stand w/ that girl, he may have wanted to see if he was worthy of being w/ someone else sexually...and same goes for me, we lost our virginities to each other. one last question.....does it make any difference that she lives just right across the street from us?? Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 it's always easier to see something you do as okay than it is to accept someone else doing the same thing (or similar thing, anyway.) you're entitled to feel that way. maybe you just need some more time to fully deal with and eventually get over it. 4 years is a long time, yes, but some people take 7 years, 10, years, whatever, to get to to a point where it is no longer an issue. some people never get to that point, they just find a way to keep going, even with that information in the back of their minds. good luck. that feeling sucks, but it goes away. getting there is the hard part. the fact that she lives across the street does not help. having to see her keeps reminding you of it, i'm sure, even when you go through those quick phases where it doesn't bother you as much. the thing is, is that what your main concern really is? that she is easy access and since it's been done once, it might be done again? ***also, tell your boyfriend's brother to keep these kinds of things to himself. why did he tell you anyway?! it certainly isn't helping the "healing process." Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 definitely agree with softdrink. There are some things that simply are best not shared. I'm not advocating dishonesty here, but there isn't a need to do details for sure. I share your problem in a slightly different way. I am having problems getting past the knowledge of my guy's feelings for his ex-wife. Initially, I did not get the feeling that there was anything residual there, but just over a year into the relationship, he began talking about her--alot. I heard about everything--their wedding, their honeymoon, their sex life, her kids, their pets and so on ad infinitum. At first, I wasn't concerned but as it escalated to daily and I began to notice his tone of voice etc. I became very uncomfortable with this. He invited her grown daughter over for dinner a couple of times and started talking about getting in touch with the other daughter. Eventually, we had a "discussion" about it and he toned things down but still continued to focus on her. Just about the time that I was begining to relax and put the whole business out of my mind, he got smashed one night and proceeded to tell the world how much he loves (present tense) his wife and how sorry he was that he lost her. They have been divorced for 8 years now! He swears that he is not still in love with her and he will never revisit the relationship but I find it very difficult to believe this anymore. It's like a constant roller coaster for me--I start to relax and he brings her up again or invites her daughter over and away we go again. All the hard work of trying to keep the thoughts out of my mind and focusing on the positive was a complete waste. How in the world do I get past this?? If you find something that works, please let me know! Like you, I would give almost anything for this to go away. Would your bf consider moving? At least then you wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she is so near. If not, if you could focus on the fact that you have him and she has to see that on a regular basis, maybe that would help? You have my sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 we are gonna be moving pretty soon actually but not b/c she's just right across the street *he doesn't give a damn about that fact like i do--he knows she lives there and thats it*, but we wanna be closer to our families, as we're 3+ hrs away from them now. He was joking around w/ me last night and said "oh honey, you know i dont need you". I just gave him the death and said "yea i know you dont"....he started laughin and said "hey! look at me! dont ever say or think that I dont need you b/c if i didnt, i wouldn't be here right now"...so that was reassuring. btw Iluvsiamese, i'd be careful b/c for me at least and many other ppl i know, the truth always seems to come out when you've been drinking...so if he said that when he was under the influence, i'm sure he really does love her..i mean he does have kids w/ her so matter what, there's always gonna be some kind of connection b/w the 2 of 'em...just be careful, your situation w/ him doesn't sound good.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 This is really hard. I feel for you, I've been there. My husband was only married for four years and he's 36. Before his marriage and after it ended (she left him) he dated alot of women. None of them were one night stands but he's had alot more partners than I have. We even ran into a girl that he'd dated and slept with when we visited a church! Most guys have a fantasy of having a threesome and wouldn't turn one down no matter what. The thing is, we've all done things that we are embarrassed about and don't want other people to know. I know I have. While it was hard to get those experiences off my mind and not be jealous I know the only way to focus on our relationship is to try and put that out of my mind. You guys were on a break, and now that you guys are together he's been faithful. I wouldn't give it another thought, he obviously wants to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Thanks, opposite sex! yes, I am being cautious. In fact, these two ladies (they are grown now) are not his children, but hers from a previous marriage and they had custody for the last 8 years of their marriage. Both girls had left home when they divorced. This makes me feel even more uncertain about the whole thing. I understand that he helped raise them from their early teens on, but it just seems odd that he is so focused on her and hers when he has had no contact with her for the last 8+ years. And like you, I believe that alcohol is like truth serum. No matter what he says now and how often he tells me that I am the best and the one he loves and plans to spend the rest of his life with, I just can't buy it in the face of his obsession with his ex and his declaration of love for her. They are a contradiction of each other. I hope that you can let this go and move on with your b/f. It's a shame to have something like this destroy an otherwise great relationship. Let me know if moving helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 do you think anything would remind him of what happened? like if he heard of a threesome take place or seen it on tv *since he looks at porn*, that he'd be reminded that he was almost in a threesome or something? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex do you think anything would remind him of what happened? like if he heard of a threesome take place or seen it on tv *since he looks at porn*, that he'd be reminded that he was almost in a threesome or something? Why does that matter? Who cares if he's going to remember he was almost in a threesome. He might remember, but I doubt he's going to look back on it wistfully. If that was the case, he'd be out trying to get into more threesomes right now instead of getting back together with you. He's probably more likely to be picturing a threesome with you and the porno chick than with the 2 women he almost got into one with. Just remember that he loves you and wants to be with you. You said you were with another guy too. Do you think about him as much as you're thinking about your bf being with this woman and almost in a threesome? Probably not. Your bf probably thinks about her as little as you think about your other guy. You asked earlier whether it matters that it was almost a threesome. To me, it wouldn't. I think the more important question is why it matters to you. I'm not saying that it shouldn't matter to you, just that you should think about the reason it does and how that affects the way you think of your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 he said of course its gonna cross his mind every now and then b/c its part of the past...its a memory. But anytime i've brought it up *and it hasn't been recently*, he has just been dumbfounded, like hasn't got a clue as to what i'm talkin about. And I tried reassuring myself to him one night by sayin "whats ONE night compared to an entire lifetime??" he nodded his head and said "its a grain of sand"... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 I'm sorry that you're still being plauged with jealousy issues....I know this is something that has been going on with the two of you for awhile now. I think counseling is probably the best thing for you....as you've stated it is probably something within yourself. An insecurity that is turning into an obession. I don't have any real advice.......I just wanted to say that I hope things get better...hang in there and remember he chose you...he loves you...what they did means NOTHING because it happened ONCE and you two have WAY more than that and continue to be together so try not to stress too much and continue to remember that it has more to do with you and less to do with him or the act itself. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated on your progress!! Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 didnt you say you had a sexual encounter too? so you can go bang some dude but when he does it..its a big deal? I honestly no offense dont see why people feel so bad for you, I can see if u were on a break and you remained faithful but he didnt, but you screwed someone too, its incredibly hypocritical to get so upset over something YOU did too, my advice is get over it: you may of had a point had you not done pretty much the same exact thing he did, and youre mad because he told his BROTHER he had sex with a girl while you were on a break? that doesnt make sense at all, I feel as if I just stepped into the twilight zone Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex we both had a sexual encounter w/ one other person that we both regret. Did you have a threesome or did you sleep with some man and he slept with some woman? If the former, I can understand your feelings and they are normal. You want to erase the memory of the act from his mind, but you can't. But you've managed to make the memory bitter by giving him a hard time about it. So be happy! When he thinks about it, he probably feels pain and guilt. Relax! Hungry children are dying in Africa and you worry over one meaningless intercourse from the time when you were separated. Who insisted on the separation? if you then don't complain about anything! Next time don't break up! Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Spectre didnt you say you had a sexual encounter too? so you can go bang some dude but when he does it..its a big deal? I honestly no offense dont see why people feel so bad for you, I can see if u were on a break and you remained faithful but he didnt, but you screwed someone too, its incredibly hypocritical to get so upset over something YOU did too, my advice is get over it: you may of had a point had you not done pretty much the same exact thing he did, and youre mad because he told his BROTHER he had sex with a girl while you were on a break? that doesnt make sense at all, I feel as if I just stepped into the twilight zone i think people feel bad because we've all been there at some point, in some way. it's like you can excuse yourself for some behaviour, but can't believe someone else did the same thing. no one said it's right, no one said it's fair. but you can't tell someone to change their feelings because they "got what they deserved" or "had it coming." people are entitled to how they feel, even if it does seem hypocritical. he's dealing with it fine...she's not. it sucks that they're not eye-to-eye when it comes to that, but people deal with things in different ways. she's not angry at him, she's not saying "poor me, how could he have done this"--her point is that after a very long time, she is still not over it, it still bothers her. it can be as simple as letting your dog shyt in someone else's yard...you feel bad, but you have nothing to clean it up with, so you leave it. but then someone's dog shyts in your yard, and you want to find the owner and brain them for being so irresponsible and filthy on YOUR property. and so it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 This may seem like double standards, but she knows how she felt about the person she had her encounter with, it's how her b/f feels about his encounter that she isn't sure of. He is showing all the signs of being uninterested in the OW, but it's hard for her to let it go. It becomes an obsession and a paranoia and you wonder what they are thinking and what they may be hiding. People can be very good at hiding what they are feeling. Getting the details from the brother just added fuel to the fire. We often just have to know, even when we are aware that this is not going to be good for us. I think the focus on the threesome is because it's something that many men fantasize about. She may be completely unwilling (and wise IMO) to even consider a threesome and so feels that there is a risk that he will at some point fulfill his fantasy with this other person as they seemed willing. The door has already been opened, as it were. She probably feels threatened by this. About the only advice that I can give is to try your best to focus on other things and bite your tongue for now. Hopefully, after the move this will not be so "front and centre" in your life and you will be able to let go and enjoy your relationship with your b/f. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 I dont think it matters if she knows how she felt, first of all the question is why were two ppl who claim to love each other off humping someone else? doesnt make sense to begin with, but to keep bringing up the girl he got with around him to me is disrespectful as hell, I mean you think he likes what YOU did? and you think it doesnt remind him of u banging some dude when u bring up him with some chick? If he wanted to be with that girl he got with..he would be..and furthermore its a BAD idea to go on a break, go out and bang your brains out then try to come back and have a relationship, cuz frankly the relationship doesnt sound good if that happened Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 we didnt break up b/c we wanted to be w/ other ppl...we broke up b/c he didn't know what he wanted at the time, we were always fighting, etc etc...it was his call to break up. I "banged" someone to mostly replace him b/c i knew i couldnt have him at the time b/c he didnt know what he wanted out of life basically...so we just took a step back pretty much to see if we *well HE* REALLY wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ me. When we got back together he said that the whole time we were split up, he still loved me and wanted to be w/ me, he just didnt think it was possible. He is completely uninterested in the other woman, i realize that....the fact of the matter is I'm having probs lettin it go...granted i was w/ someone else as well...i have asked him before how he let what i did go...and he said that he's never been the type to hang on to something bad thats happened in the past *he had a real crappy childhood so i think thats part of his reasoning*, but yea.... Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex When we got back together he said that the whole time we were split up, he still loved me and wanted to be w/ me, he just didnt think it was possible. Part of the reason why he's finding it so easy to let go and you're not could be because he knows without a doubt you love him and is certain you want to be with him. You might still have doubts, because he was the one who decided on the break and has said he's not sure about your future together. So maybe part of it is you and part of it is his uncertainty. It's hard to be secure in your relationship when the other person is telling you they have serious doubts. Has he told you that he for sure wants to be with you and what his intentions are for your future together since you've gotten back with him? Whether he still feels the same doubt or not? Link to post Share on other sites
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