Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 I don't think men generally hang onto things like we do...... I know what you're going through. My new hubby also had a threesome with his last girlfriend before me and her best friend. It bothers me, even though he has said that he is not interested in doing it again. His past and that he has been with more people than I have bothers me. It's just something that you have to work through. He didn't know me during that time at all, and since the first day we met there has been no one else but me, he can't help what happened during that time. Here's a suggestion. Everytime you start thinking about him and the other girl, turn your focus onto something else- such as how to make your relationship the best it can be or something fun to do. That is what I try to do when those thoughts creep up on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 crazy_grl, when we first got back together and even just a few months ago, i asked him if he was 101% certain that he wanted to be w/ me and that he had his head on straight this time...he said yes and smiled each and everytime. Its very important to him that I trust him and I do believe him. He wants to get engaged in the very near future....however i dont wanna say 'yes' til this problem is resolved. He is a different then he was before in a good way, guess he just needed that time to figure out what the hell he wanted... btw, his brother said it was ALMOST a threesome Link to post Share on other sites
bhsunny21 Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 we broke up b/c he didn't know what he wanted at the time, we were always fighting, etc etc I know how it feels as well, and it is *very* hard to deal with. My b/f broke up with me and ended up sleeping with some girl that he had known for years. When he decided to break NC with me and we spent time together, he told me what he had done and how much he regretted it. It has only been a week since he told me and it is no easier for me to deal with, other than the fact that he said it was just to get over me and it made him realize that he does now know what he wants. Things have been great so far. We have talked about the issue and we are moving on. I still have pangs of jealousy because of this other encounter he had, but I am dealing with that on my own. What gets me through the day is that I know that he is here with me and not her. He may think of her, just like I sometimes think about my past encounters and ex boyfriends, but I see that I am happy now and how much that my b/f means to me. So, try to hang in there! Just try to keep in mind that he ultimately chose you and that you are the one that he desires. Those thoughts lingering in your mind will be obvious to him...because they interfere with your attitude. Try to stay positive and hopefully this move will help you and him out. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 my first session of therapy starts here in about an hour....wish me all the luck in the world!! heh I've been looking forward to this and now that the day is here, i'm kinda nervous...but i'm still real anxious. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 but I couldn't see him doin something like to begin with...to just go out and have sex w/ someone he doesn't have any intentions of being in a relationship w/ nor was he attracted to her, he just used her People have casual sex all the time, and I don't think its using someone if both know what they're getting into. Did you have any intentions of having a relationship with the one you slept with during the break? Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 we've talked about it and everytime, he's said that he did use her....he was horny, and she was puttin out...but yea obviously they both agreed to it, alcohol was involved but he was smart enough to put on a condom so i doubt that he was THAT f*cked up... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex we've talked about it and everytime, he's said that he did use her....he was horny, and she was puttin out...but yea obviously they both agreed to it, alcohol was involved but he was smart enough to put on a condom so i doubt that he was THAT f*cked up... I really don't see why you would care. You were afterall broken up. And he didn't think there was anyway for you two to get back together. I also don't see why it almost being a threesome would bother you. Do you object to threesomes morally? I can see being uncomfortable with the discussion or not liking to dwell on it. But it seems to be bothering you way more than it should especially considering you also slept with someone else while you two were broken up. You hold him to higher standards than you hold yourself. I think the problem is something else. Perhaps its a trust issue. At least you acknowledge that its a problem with you and not him. Thats the first step in getting past it. Do you think it could be that you feel if he really loved you he shouldn't of been able to sleep with anyone while you two were broken up? If thats the case then you should just ask yourself the same thing, if you loved him how did you sleep with someone else. Maybe thats the issue. Maybe deep down you wonder how either of you could of slept with someone else while being in love. Could you be feeling guilty about it (if not on the surface than deep down on a subconscious level) and you're projecting that guilt? Perhaps you're upset that it doesn't seem to bother him? Neither of you should feel guilty about it. You were both single and free to do whatever you wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 basically the reason i did what i did was b/c i was looking to replace him.....my needs/desires/wants that he fulfilled, i was seeking that in someone else since i couldn't have him... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex basically the reason i did what i did was b/c i was looking to replace him.....my needs/desires/wants that he fulfilled, i was seeking that in someone else since i couldn't have him... And he was fullfilling a need since he couldn't have you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 i dont understand that though b/c he was the one who initiated the break-up... but then again, he initiated us gettin back together too... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex i dont understand that though b/c he was the one who initiated the break-up... but then again, he initiated us gettin back together too... Probably because he was confused. He was confused so he broke up, he then realized it was a mistake, he realized he still needed you and wanted you, so he tried to fill that need for you with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 yea we were joking around the other night, he said he didnt need me...i said "yea i know you dont" ohhh did he get defensive, but he was also smiling...he was like "look at me! if i didnt need you, i wouldnt be here" that was reassuring...but i did start therapy today for all this and jealousy issues.... also we would still talk here and there when we were split up and it was very obvious that he was confused... i'd never contact him unless he contacted me first and he always did... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 It could in the long run be a good thing. You both had a break and got the chance to see what else was out there. Now you both know what you two have is special and that the grass isn't greener on the other side. You both got to be with someone else without it being because of infidelity. It could make the relationship stronger if you don't let insecurity get in the way. Good luck with the therapy, good luck in general . Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex i dont understand that though b/c he was the one who initiated the break-up... I think Sal may have led you onto something here. Maybe you can't let it go because you don't understand or believe why he felt the need to be with someone else. You know that you were just trying to replace him, but since the breakup was his choice, all he would have had to do was come back to you if he wanted you. Instead, he chose her over you, right? I don't think so. I'm sure he probably wanted to be with you, but like Sal said, he was confused. He probably didn't feel like he could come to you at that point. He'd just broken up with you, so if he'd have come to you looking for sex when he was still unsure about your future together, that would have hurt you pretty badly if later he'd have come to the decision that he didn't want to be with you. That's a hypothetical of why he could have done it. Maybe you should ask him why he felt the need to go to another woman instead of you. I know you probably don't want to bring the subject up any more to him, but it's better to resolve it than just trying to push it down where it'll come back up to bite you later. Anyway, maybe your therapy session will help you sort it all out and you won't need any more of our suggestions. Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I think Sal may have led you onto something here. Maybe you can't let it go because you don't understand or believe why he felt the need to be with someone else. You know that you were just trying to replace him, but since the breakup was his choice, all he would have had to do was come back to you if he wanted you. Instead, he chose her over you, right? I don't think so. thats along the lines of exactly how i'm feeling, you read my mind girly! A friend told me once that the reason he probly didnt come to me is b/c he knew there were feelings there and he didnt wanna hurt me....however when we were split up still, we had sex probly 2 or 3 times in the 2 mts we were split...and after we'd have sex, he'd still cuddle w/me and basically do the same things as if we were together...and it would hurt me b/c in the end, he'd still continue to say "no we're not together" at the end of the night, ugh. However i could tell by the look in his eyes that he was hurting and sooo incredibly confused as well so i tried not to let it get the best of me so i just continued on w/ my life, tryin to find a guy to replace him ASAP b/c of how strongly i still felt for him... he had sex w/ this girl bout a week and a half before we got back together...after that we didnt have sex again til it was official that we were back together *hope you got all that* Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 25, 2005 Share Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by the_opposite_sex however when we were split up still, we had sex probly 2 or 3 times in the 2 mts we were split...and after we'd have sex, he'd still cuddle w/me and basically do the same things as if we were together...and it would hurt me b/c in the end, he'd still continue to say "no we're not together" at the end of the night, ugh. However i could tell by the look in his eyes that he was hurting and sooo incredibly confused as well Yep, I'd say he didn't come to you because he was still unsure and it was too painful for him, plus he knew it was painful for you. He'd already experienced twice how hard it was. As strange as it sounds, he may have been with another woman because of how much he cared about you. That other woman was just a stepping stone on a path that led him back to you. I'd bet he realized how empty it was with her compared to how much better and more meaningful it was being with you. Now, he's sure he wants to be with you, and he's told you that. You should be confident that he is, because you know he wouldn't have come back to you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted August 28, 2005 Author Share Posted August 28, 2005 ya know, i've been thinkin *imagine that* and your absolutely right....not that i doubted you in the first place....but yea, he cared alot more about me then to just come to me for sex and that it wasn't just emotionally painful for me, but for him too.....so thats why he had sex w/ her and everything happened the way it did that night b/c he was horny, he was single, and she was handing it out....and i mean if a threesome DID take place, he wasn't gonna stop it b/c he was single *i'm not necessarily against threesomes but just the fact of having TWO girls all over him, ugh, just ONE is bad enough as you can tell* ...and if he wanted to live that kinda live style *goin around and doin anyone he wanted to*, then it wouldn't have happened just once and then decides he wants to be w/ me...no...he wouldn't be w/ me at all right now and would still be out doin all that... Link to post Share on other sites
alicia2601 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 well this is the_opposite_sex using this name...didnt know i had 2 different names on here but anyways....on my TOS account, i had my settings on here to "remember me" so i wouldn't have to type in my username/password each time...well now that this thing has been updated, it wont let me do that anymore, so therefore i forget my password to my TOS account! ugh lol crazy_grl, i think i sent you a pm so if you get it, reply here or send it to this name...i swear i'm not crazy lol:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
alicia2601 Posted September 2, 2005 Share Posted September 2, 2005 its t_o_s, once again! i asked my b/f if he put any effort into pleasing this other girl, he straight up said no! Link to post Share on other sites
Author the_opposite_sex Posted March 5, 2006 Author Share Posted March 5, 2006 i figured i'd post this in this thread, even though its old. I was reminiscing a bit I guess and these thoughts still come around *oddly enough* but i'm alot better. Also, we're engaged now to be married and I recently found out i'm pregnant!! we're both thrilled to death! haha Link to post Share on other sites
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