No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[anthle702]

Hey OP,

 

I am exactly in the same situation. Did you guys ever talk about the doubts, or loss in romance?

 

My EX didnt warn me - or show her frustration. I was too busy and stressed - thought we were okay and boom she left me for her classmate.

 

Did I **** up by not creating that sense of spark?

[ConfusedLuke]

Hey OP,

 

I am exactly in the same situation. Did you guys ever talk about the doubts, or loss in romance?

 

My EX didnt warn me - or show her frustration. I was too busy and stressed - thought we were okay and boom she left me for her classmate.

 

Did I **** up by not creating that sense of spark?

 

No although I do recall her asking questions now which stand out (like why didn't you keep in contact with any of your exes when you were at school?), it was kind of this slide into dispassionate domesticity. I thought the break up sex may have made her see that we still had chemistry there but her mind was made up. I'm really sad as I thought we could grow more together as partners as we had already been through hell.

 

I think she felt pressured by me and whilst I accept some of the blame, it was pressure that was being caused by things beyond both ours control. We both went through the biggest blow when we found out she probably couldn't have kids.

 

But there was a small chance at the time and the doctors, counsellors and even herbalists were saying 'There's no perfect time to have kids'.

 

We both weren't ready though (only in our twenties and starting study and careers) and she was feeling bad. I didn't understand how bad though until she left then I realised that the most important thing in life is to share it with someone you love, not conform to the notion of 'kids and a house'.

 

I don't even know if I want kids anymore, all I know is I miss her and she's being intimate with some other dude. It is really sad, but good for her in a way she is finding some happiness with someone else - I just thought once we got through this we could both find it together because 'love' y'know.

Edited December 12, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

UPDATE: Sent email letter today (about a week of NC after seeing them in the club PDAing - one page word doc) she thanked me for it an hour later via. email, then rang me six hours later from her mother's phone.

 

We had about a half hour conversation saying she 'Can't remember how happy she has been' with this new guy and that she 'Likes him very much'. I told her "Good!" Then she asked: "Aren't you hurt?" I said "Of course I want to be with you but I have compassion for the situation that we were in and I'm glad you're enjoying herself". I asked her if she still wanted to be friends she said she 'wasn't sure'.

 

It's Christmas coming up and her family is like my family. I'm not going to get in the way of the ex's fresh relationship so I'll just leave a card and a present for the mother who said my ex 'could do better'. She asked for her charger and memory card back so I'll give that back next week (I told her I was busy but I'll get around to it).

 

"Kill 'em with kindness" may not be an effective way of getting your ex back but hell if I'm going to be jealous of the new guy or pretend the person I was going to marry (who I was with for nearly a decade) and her family just somehow don't exist.

 

She might be unsure whether she wants to remain friends, or whether she misses me at all, but I can at least with myself if I make my position known (one of respect and compassion) and let it be.

 

If she wants to ignore me, scapegoat me as this bad ex who wasn't loving enough and pretend that I'm a mouldy rag to be thrown away in 'the past' then fine, but I've done all I can to be civil throughout this... It's more than being 'civil' of course (I still love her) but I'm not going to pursue her or get angry if she's off with this other guy (a week after breaking up with me) and doesn't want me around anymore.

 

I could understand this attitude if we went out for a few months, if I cheated or hit her etc. but we had a very domesticated relationship. Sure there was lots of bickering and unpleasantness but I felt we still got each other (obviously she checked out 'subconsciously' though texting this guy who made her laugh).

 

I feel like I'm mourning more the loss of a great friend, than a lover now.

 

At least I can live with myself, and while that does not keep me warm at night it's of some comfort at least than being stubbornly 'no contact' which may work for STRs and others here but for relationships going on ten years that have just 'grown apart' I find it somewhat dramatic - unless there is blatant sabotage, or awkwardness by the ex towards the significant other I still feel we could be friends (or at least try for a while).

 

While I want to be back with her, if she thinks he's a better match for her good for her. I'm not going to speculate on the chances of it working out with them.

 

I still want to share old stories, jokes and grow old knowing her as a friend, even if we couldn't make it work.

 

But it's her decision now, she'll probably string me along until after Christmas thinking she is still considering being 'friends' with me...

 

Then if it is still going strong with the new guy they could this really official (probably in the new year) she will probably go NC. Even if I think we could make it work as friends and that's what she proposed during our break up (she was in tears when I said I wasn't sure if I could be friends with her after this as it would hurt to see her with someone else).

 

If that's the way she wants to live then what will be will be but I won't be looking back in regret thinking there was anything else I could do.

 

I will always care about her, but yeah her loss.

Edited December 13, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

Has to be a troll.. surely? Buying your ex a Christmas present when she is in a new relationship?

 

Serious question - are you a cuck? If so your post would make sense. (No I’m not being rude, some guys are into this stuff!)

[ConfusedLuke]

Has to be a troll.. surely? Buying your ex a Christmas present when she is in a new relationship?

 

Serious question - are you a cuck? If so your post would make sense. (No I’m not being rude, some guys are into this stuff!)

 

Nah not a cuck. Just a 'confused Luke', but tbh I don't have time for bitterness or pretending like I pretend I don't care. It's not like I'm going to be dropping flowers on her doorstep.

 

Her family has been there for me (even if the mother thinks 'she can do better') and even though they may take it as a perverse gesture it goes against their impression of me (that I would just gut react - be mad or sulk).

 

Christmas may be an excuse but what better time, eh? (or worse)

 

I also found out she was confused over the text I sent a few hours before I went to the Latin night, even though I was quite clear in it that I was thinking of going out 'tonight' to the bar she somehow took it as 'next week'.

 

So perhaps they weren't expecting me (maybe she isn't as cold as I thought)

 

I told her today I wouldn't be going to future ones so I wouldn't disturb them again.

Edited December 13, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[d0nnivain]

Luke

 

Here is what is confusing you: the definition of the word "friends". In this context it does not mean a true friendship where you interact routinely with your EX, where you talk & keep each other abreast of what's new. It means she does not want to hate you & she wants things to be civil if you accidently bump into each other in public. It does not mean anything else. You need to stop treating her like a real friend & act like she's somebody you used to know. Because even after all you have been through, she is with another guy & that is all you are to her -- somebody she used to know.

 

Stop writing to her. Stop talking to her. You have already wished her well & been quite gracious about the whole thing. Now it's time to take care of yourself. The only way you will heal & move on is if you stop interacting with her.

[ConfusedLuke]

Luke

You need to stop treating her like a real friend & act like she's somebody you used to know. Because even after all you have been through, she is with another guy & that is all you are to her -- somebody she used to know.

 

Some sage advice, even if she does have her regrets I doubt she will turn to me again. She was just apathetic on the phone towards me today, oh well.

 

It's hard to erase the vision you had been building and relying on for years (that you would grow old together), it's hard to not reflect on the holidays, conversations and all those assurances that she would be there, that she 'loved' me and we would always be together.

 

It's also frustrating to think that I have spent nearly all my twenties building a life with someone for them to leave but I guess time will heal things and maybe I'll meet someone else in the next few years.

[allgoodthings1]

Some sage advice, even if she does have her regrets I doubt she will turn to me again. She was just apathetic on the phone towards me today, oh well.

 

It's hard to erase the vision you had been building and relying on for years (that you would grow old together), it's hard to not reflect on the holidays, conversations and all those assurances that she would be there, that she 'loved' me and we would always be together.

 

It's also frustrating to think that I have spent nearly all my twenties building a life with someone for them to leave but I guess time will heal things and maybe I'll meet someone else in the next few years.

 

 

 

Hey Luke

 

 

I'm in a similar situation with my ex. Just that I was with her for about 4.5 years. We've been broken up for about 2.5 months now. All I can say it is the absolute worst.

 

 

You see a lot of quasi 'red pill' folks on forums who act like we shouldn't have any emotion and that we should just write these people off with whom we spent so much time. The toughest part is having this planned future and security blanket ripped away from us. It's like watching a monetary investment go belly up. I can also tell you it's very easy to tell someone else on an internet forum to write someone completely off. We're not 'weak' or 'beta' for wanting something or someone. People have emotions and I really think most people are hard wired for companionship. However, I do think we are weak for pursuing something that only causes us more pain and suffering.

 

 

I can just tell you that it's perfectly normal to feel this way and please don't beat yourself up for wanting her back. The last thing we need to do right now is get mad at ourselves. Having said that, I really do believe that when someone has a 'security blanket' ripped from them, it inevitably makes that person stronger.

[Blanco]

*groan*

 

Oh well. Most of us need to learn things like this the hard way.

[Blanco]

You don't have to pretend that what you built and shared never existed. What you need to do is come to terms with that you build and shared no longer existing.

 

I have done a lot of the things you're doing, so I empathize with how devastating and desperate it all feels right now. But trust me when I say that most of the things you're doing will not be received in the manner you'd like them to be.

 

For instance, you want your gift to stir up memories in your ex of good old Luke and maybe make her reconsider. Makes sense. The reality, though, is that this act will probably just make her a bit uncomfortable and question why a guy she dumped is still trying to do boyfriend-like things for her.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Bro, she doesn't care and she's not your friend. If she was, she wouldn't have dropped you for Latin guy. And now she's fawning you off and lying to you, she didn't know you were going to be there? Do you really believe that? Women do humiliating things to men in these situations because they think it makes them dominant. Really, it's just petty and mean. Put your foot down and walk away, it's over.

[Beachead]

OP,

 

I can see how much pain you are in it hurts me to read through your story because I know there was a point in my life where someone could have easily done this to me also. It could happen to any of us.

 

First off, no to friendship. Absolutely not. You two are not friends nor will you ever be and the reason is as simple as this. If she ends up falling in love with this guy or the next person she meets, do you really think that this new guy is going to be cool with you (Her ex of 9 years) being in the picture still? Nope. He's going to ask her to stop talking to you and she'll oblige to his request because she loves him and you're going to find yourself cut from her life.

 

What she really means by "Lets be friends" is she wants is to keep you around and use you to help ween herself off of you because cutting you out completely is too difficult. And the reason she's doing this is because despite her leaving for this new guy, she still carries some attachment/dependency to you. Furthermore, she wants to keep you around just incase things don't go well for her while she dates other guys. She's insecure you provide security and comfort and are the most familiar and safest concept of love right now. You are essentially her backup plan. This brings me to my final point. She feels guilty. She knows exactly what she was thinking, feeling and doing while you two were still together and she knows what she's doing now. A part of her feels bad about it. Everytime she has to talk to you or see you, she is reminded of it and it makes her feel like she's a bad person. This is why she's cold and distant.

 

Friendship is integral part of a relationship and is extremely important during moments like this when someone is ending it. I see nothing "Friendly" about her actions.

 

The way she left you was disrespectful to say the least. She started talking to this guy and enjoyed it. So she allowed it to escalate to flirting which she also enjoyed. And then, she allowed herself to meet up with him and possibly do who knows what and while this was blooming, she was with still with you! She had been with you for 9 years!

 

As of right now OP, you need to understand that she's not coming back. This may change in the future. But, right now you need to cut her out completely. Block her off of social media for starters. You do not want her updates blowing up on your phone or computer, breaking your heart each and everytime. I would even block her number so she can't call or text. But if this is too difficult, then exercise a lot of strength and try not to reach out to her. Avoid her completely. You can't be friends with her and if you think you can you are lying to yourself. Do you really want to see her with someone else?

 

You will need this time to grieve, heal, and gain some clarity about what actually went down in the relationship because right now, you still have hope inside of you and your head is in the clouds. Do not expect her to contact you. This isn't about winning her back. This is about learning how to live without this woman. Learning how to be happy and completely independant of her. It's going to be painful and it will get harder before it gets better and it's going to take a lot of time. We're talking like 1 year minimum. But..it's the fastest track to building you back up into the best version of yourself again.

 

If it's consolation to you, no contact in your particular case will give her perspective. Those feelings of guilt and missing you will start to come after time as passed. Let the silence do all the work for you. It'll do more for you than you could do yourself when it comes to her. 9 years is a long time OP. She won't shake it off so easily and I honestly think the odds are she will reach out to you again one day. I just don't know whether it will be for the reasons you hope for. But, the most important thing here is you must kill that hope and learn to be okay living your life without her. Think with your head and not with your heart when it comes to her. That's all you should be thinking about now.

 

Goodluck.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Beachead

[ConfusedLuke]

OP,

 

If it's consolation to you, no contact in your particular case will give her perspective. Those feelings of guilt and missing you will start to come after time as passed. Let the silence do all the work for you. It'll do more for you than you could do yourself when it comes to her. 9 years is a long time OP. She won't shake it off so easily and I honestly think the odds are she will reach out to you again one day. I just don't know whether it will be for the reasons you hope for. But, the most important thing here is you must kill that hope and learn to be okay living your life without her. Think with your head and not with your heart when it comes to her. That's all you should be thinking about now.

 

Goodluck.

 

Thanks a lot Beachead, she hasn't called since we last spoke four days ago (when she called from her mother's phone asking for her phone charger back and had the conversation about the new guy briefly). Of course I haven't called/emailed.

 

I came over on Thursday to give the mother the charger, she studies during the day so I knew she wouldn't be there. I had different hours on Thursday so could come give the charger back to the mother in the morning. I was initially going to just drop it in the mailbox but called the mother to see if she was home because I think it would be more weird randomly coming around and not saying hi.

 

Me and her mother had a chat about it face to face, she told me to give them space and go to church (she is very religious) I told her I would and I respected her daughter's decision. I admitted the romance had died in our relationship and I was hurt by what happened but life goes on. I also said I was prepared to marry and will always care about her daughter, that all the stress of work and legal cases was so I could secure a future life for her daughter and I. I apologised that my attitude and behaviour was cold, distant and pushy, I told her when her daughter walked away I re-evaluated my mindset towards everything and that I don't judge and have compassion for her in what she did (I don't believe she will ever come back as a friend or partner if she feels guilt or that I somehow blame her for what happened)

 

I asked if I could do anything for the mother and she told me she needed to borrow a vacuum on Sunday, so I will drop that off to her. It's hard because her family was like my family so even though it is raw and painful to see my ex right now I don't mind seeing her mother.

 

I will message the mother 'Hi just got the vacuum and will drop it off this afternoon, I want to avoid ... because it is too raw and painful to see her right now please call and let me know if she is there otherwise I can drop it off tomorrow'. I think the mother will understand this.

 

My ex will likely (80%+ probability) be out on the Sunday or with the guy (at his place or doing something) but I want to make it clear to the mother that I am going to give her daughter space, the last thing I am is a jealous ex or someone who is wanting to put pressure to see her (even though my heart still aches and I do want to see her).

 

I think in my head you are right about the 'never friends' thing but it is hard right now to comprehend her ever being completely out of my life.

 

I don't know how to force stop caring about someone, I know deep down it's a bad thing. I can now see how some women get hung up and don't leave partners who are abusive because they are so attached, love them and will do whatever to make them happy.

 

At this stage there are a few possibilities

 

1. Ex never wants to see me again and will screen/block any attempts of contact.

 

2. Ex will want to catch up maybe in a few months time after some space to see how things are going (or I might send her a light-touch text - 'how are you going? ')

 

3. Mother will try and sit me and ex down to talk through things - possibly encourage never seeing each other again, possibly encouraging some sort of friendship.

 

I don't think she is set on 1 (even if the new guy is encouraging her to cut all ties) as she told me she was "unsure" being friends (that could have been because she didn't feel comfortable breaking it to me but I do believe she is still confused about everything right now - even if she has affections for this guy she was with me for nearly a decade and I don't think she would like to be pressured to cut ties with me especially if I'm not being a bleeding heart or awkward around her. The guy also seems laid back - even if he found me 'passive aggressive' because I asked him questions when I saw him - she told me that on the phone. I told her I was curious because I had never seen the guy before and was trying to be outgoing by coming up and shaking his hand quickly - not being aggressive. I said he seemed amicable and he shouldn't control you if you still want to be friends with me. I think she is all still weighing up this.

 

I did ask him 'Do you know who I am?' after a few questions and realising who he was (the exchange student) because I thought she would have mentioned or at least described me to him before so maybe he found that question inappropriate but his response was telling 'No?' - I do have a somewhat distinctive look so find it hard he wouldn't place that I was her old boyfriend. I did tell her in the Wednesday letter that I understood if he might not have recognised me because I gather they didn't discuss me much as they were bonding over Spanish, but it is kind of hard to take considering they had been chatting pretty much daily for half a year that she would not have at least mentioned, shown a photo or described me to him considering we were pretty much married.

 

I think 2 is most likely if I give them appropriate space and am respectful.

 

I think possibility 2 will only happen if I go NC with her from now on (apart from seeing the mother maybe on Christmas morning to give some presents, or sending her something little and thoughtful on her B-Day).

 

I want to avoid possibility 3 happening on Sunday, as it's so soon, so I think that text will help delay that.

 

I might get in touch with one of her distant friends around Christmas (she was supportive with my mother's health issues) and see if she wants to meet up to discuss things (not just the break up but other things) other than that it just hurts not being able to see or speak to her right now.

Edited December 16, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

You really need to cut contact with the whole family and focus on yourself. It’s clear that you’re being the ‘nice guy’ to her mother to try and wiggle your back into ex’s life. You need to stop.

[Downanddown]

OP, you need to fight probably one of the biggest fights of your life and that's with yourself.

 

I'm in a similar situation. 6.5 years. She dropped me like a sack of potatoes. The first 2 months were hell. I cried. I drank myself silly. I thought life was over. I didn't know what to do with myself. I cut contact after about 2 months and it's been the smartest move I've ever made.

 

I'm still sad and think about her constanstly. You will to. For a long time. That's just the reality of it but sometimes I'm driving or just chilling in my house and I have a smile on my face, you know why? Because I have absolutely know friggin clue what she is up to in life.

 

Its absolutely crucial you sever all ties man. Social. Texts. Family. Trust me when I say this it WILL GET EASIER but you need to feel the pain first.

 

NO CONTACT OP. It will save you so much misery and pain

[ConfusedLuke]

OP, you need to fight probably one of the biggest fights of your life and that's with yourself.

 

...

 

NO CONTACT OP. It will save you so much misery and pain

 

You're probably right but I'm a glutton for punishment =/

 

So brief update, picked up the vacuum on Monday. Me and her mother had a good old chat for an hour (but didn't mention her) I messaged her a couple of days later 'Hope you have a great morning' she replied instantly "Thanks, you too" I left it for the day then in the evening said (it had been raining in the afternoon) 'Hi hope you didn't get too wet today, do you want to meet up soon or when's a good time to call you? ' no xo/xx / anything flirty, just keeping it friendly and giving all power to her.

 

She hasn't responded (I doubt she will for a couple of days, or maybe now she has decided to go NC). I will see the mother on Christmas Day, pick up my present and drop off presents, then I guess it's it for at least the next few months.

 

I might call her on Christmas Eve and leave a voicemail that I will be coming around (in case her mother doesn't tell her) but I guess she will be in her room the five minutes I drop around once she knows I'm at the door.

 

It's strange considering we are both grown, the sex (even though good) wasn't the main thing I enjoyed about our relationship.

 

I guess I valued our friendship more and this is why it hurts now. I've already come to terms with her being with this other guy, maybe she doesn't want to give him a bad impression (even though they've only been going out for two weeks vs going on ten years).

 

I told her I would respect her space and if I got to know the guy more would probably get on with him. I also told her I had given up all hopes of reconciliation as partners.

 

I've given all the power to her now, I've done pretty much all I can do to be there for her. I just miss seeing her face and chatting about our memories and random things that annoy us etc. we grew up together, she was kind of my best friend and partner

 

I realise now she's with this guy most of the time she won't have time to see me but it would be good to at least be on speaking terms, maybe see her once a fortnight/month for a chat.

Edited December 20, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

You need to leave her alone, you’re acting very creepy.

[ConfusedLuke]

You need to leave her alone, you’re acting very creepy.

 

Maybe I am still in shock but I feel like I've resolved what's happened now. The last few weeks have been bad. I would feel creepy if I was calling or texting her constantly. I would feel creepy if I was flirting trying to get back with her when I know she has someone else on her mind.

 

Maybe if I had been going out with her for a month or two and she ghosted me I wouldn't feel bad but we have so many shared experiences (trips away, first place living away from home together, supporting each other through first real jobs and degrees).

 

Hanging outside her place would be creepy, texting her if she tells me to leave her alone would be creepy, calling her friends would be creepy. I know creepy and I'm staying well away from being that. Maybe what a previous poster said on her that 'let's be friends' was insincere (more 'friends if you meet in passing randomly on the street') but considering she was crying breaking down when I said "I don't know if we could" during the break up speech I kind of thought she meant it.

 

But as other posters on here have said I guess she meant it until she knew she could get her mental/sexual/emotional needs from the other guy.

Edited December 20, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

Giving her and her mother xmas presents

 

Continuously contacting her after she has ended the relationship, and even more so when she has a new partner

 

Doing ‘nice guy’ things for her mother

 

Saying you could ‘get on’ with her new man

 

Off the top of my head, are all creepy in my opinion. You really need to move on and forget this woman, another man is probably having the best sex with the woman you love and you’re cool with this? Come on man.. move on

[ConfusedLuke]

You really need to move on and forget this woman, another man is probably having the best sex with the woman you love and you’re cool with this? Come on man.. move on

 

Dropped off the Christmas presents, I wasn't awkward but I could tell she was pretty uncomfortable receiving them (even though she knew I was coming with them and one of them was replacing sunglasses of her I broke). I had a new haircut the mother said it looked good but she didn't comment.

 

The air was heavy because she was so awkward (I noticed she wasn't even looking at me when speaking) but I was making small talk with her mother (we get on pretty well). I was with her and her mother about an hour around a small table just having coffee then walked with her to the park for a half an hour.

 

When we went for the walk she told me that even going to the park just us two was uncomfortable for her. I told her I accepted she was seeing someone else but I missed times we spent together just doing non-romantic friend things like hanging out down the beach, having random chats on the phone and watching netflix.

 

She said even those things would make her uncomfortable now. I told her I understood and would give her space. I did ask her whether she could be there as a distant friend on good terms, maybe call her up once a month to see how she was going. She told me sometimes exes can't be friends (I challenged this saying we were together for nearly a decade and you told me you had no bad feelings towards me) but give it a few months at least. She told me she wasn't ready for the 'friend zone' yet. All I could do was agree.

 

I asked her about the new guy, he is overseas at the moment but coming back in a week, his sister just gave birth so he is an uncle now. She asked me if I was kissing other girls. I told her no I wasn't and that's the last thing on my mind. She told me she could see the pain in my eyes and it was alright to cry (I didn't break down and cry).

 

She told me some bull**** about 'it may be difficult at your age but you really need to develop your own support networks' which I said 'What are you Anthony Robbins self-help expert?'. She was then saying I should form my own networks with the meet up groups I was going to. I was laughing but she was serious the whole time. She knows I don't have many buddies (perhaps one of the reasons she lost attraction to me). I told her I had finished grieving our relationship but was now worried about losing my best friend.

 

That yes I would take on her advice and 'form my own networks' but I will miss having someone there who has a history going back a decade with me, who I have developed that rapport over time with that your viewpoints and opinions are unique and special to me, that you have always been receptive and made me feel what I said mattered just making me valued over time and that meeting randoms through meet ups and work doesn't replace or replicate you and what chats we share (even over the past few weeks I have been wondering from time to time what she thinks of things and I want to share photos of some things only she will get but know I have to hold myself back because LC and it would be inappropriate considering the freshness of the break up).

 

Unprompted she told me that I couldn't 'fix' anything with myself or make things better with her friends, I told her that I wasn't trying to fix myself for her but that I was trying to improve myself for my own good and that I hadn't messaged her friends. We weren't arguing though it was all very matter-of-fact and fairly dispassionate.

 

She then told me that her family was not my family (I have kind of seen her mother as my mother for the last decade considering my mother has been estranged at times for years and has significant health issues). So now I know not to contact her mother (even though the mother said she wanted to keep in touch - her other daughter is still friends with her ex boyfriend's parents - they went out for six years so the mother drew that parallel but now I know if I did it would be going against her desire for my ex not see her mother as a second mother, or family type friend, to me).

 

She told me she would contact me to organise getting the rest of her stuff in the next few days. But considering it's only underwear and random clothes (all up <$500) and the sunglasses I bought were over that (they were a high end brand replacing what I fell on last year) I'm probably going to be NC when she attempts to get her stuff (if she wants to screw me around breaking down crying and begging to be friends then a month later is only nice to me because she wants to get the rest of her clothes then stuff it).

 

I will text her a happy birthday (which is in about a month) and maybe contact the mother and give the random clothes back. I have already given her the raincoat she wanted, yoga mats, books and band shirt she specifically asked for along with some bras and underwear. Hopefully down the track (March-April+) she will feel comfortable enough to re-open weekly-fortnightly communication, even though obviously she's with another man it's still nice to see her face and hear her voice.

 

She told me she didn't even have to wave to me today and I said I did appreciate her being there and at least having a conversation face to face with me. I thought she might even be with the guy all day (not that it would be because I found out he was overseas) so really did value the time she made to spend with me.

 

The worst thing is I ain't even mad at her because I know how bad I was at romance towards the end and how plain miserable I was around her (which although I take responsibility for it was due to pressing work commitments and my mother's legal and health issues).

 

Maybe if we did get married last year she would have stuck it out but it seems she was like 'Nah I'm out of this bull****, he wants kids, I'm not ready/able, this other dude I'm chatting to is much more laid back, we share more interests and I'm fairly young still. I have one life so what the hey'. Even though that seems to me blasé, impulsive and ill-considered I get it.

 

I was pressured, I was in pursuit of house, kids, wife etc. I told her after the break up that I re-evaluated my priorities but obviously by then her mind was made up.

 

We were never 'on/off' so I can't tell whether she will ever consider me again but it does seem like she has some feelings for me (even if she didn't smile at me at all today). It seems like she has been reading a lot of forums and articles about how to get over an ex and the majority advise NC. I would prefer LC (obviously) but the ball's in her court.

 

I reckon when the guy comes back from overseas she will probably go on a break with him travelling and solidify their relationship before her birthday (where she will probably introduce him to her extended friend group) and then semester starts. I don't think she will trash me too hard to them (but she may) she did seem to be comparing our relationship to theirs even two weeks in ('I can't remember when I have been so happy' 'I just feel good being around him' etc.)

 

I told her that I and her new lover were different and our relationships are different and that yeah I'm glad you're happy but you really can't compare (but I guess she is).

 

I don't care if she trashes me to be honest only insofar as that if she did have second thoughts down the road it would be unlikely that she would then remake contact if she had already told her friends how much of a 'drain' I was (but maybe she would tell them I had 'changed' if she did ever decide to get back so meh).

 

I guess I have one question though...

 

When she does make contact to get random inexpensive clothes (like the rest of her old underwear and a cardigan) should I just ignore (NC) even though she signposted to me that she would organise a time to come over and get the rest of her stuff (I didn't agree or acknowledge when she said it).

 

Right now I feel she is only being 'unsure' about friends because she still wants me on terms so she can get the rest of her random clothes, then once that happens maybe she will continue with the line 'sometimes exes can never be friends'. If this is the case then I hate that she is just stringing me along thinking there is a possibility still of remaining in contact only to get odd clothes from my place.

 

I think I should just go NC for the next few months by which stage who knows how things will be with the new guy and where her headspace will be at.

Edited December 25, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

She told you very politely that her family are not your family, which reads BACK OFF. What do you do? Say you’re going to contact her mother.

 

When will you learn? You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth.. make your own friends and move on with your life. Stop obsessing over this woman, she is being VERY polite and patient but I can see her snapping if you keep stalking her. Drop her stuff at her mother’s WITHOUT MAKING CONTACT and leave this chapter of your life behind.

 

Have you been this way with all of your exes? It’s not normal man..

[ConfusedLuke]

She told you very politely that her family are not your family, which reads BACK OFF. What do you do? Say you’re going to contact her mother.

 

When will you learn? You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth.. make your own friends and move on with your life. Stop obsessing over this woman, she is being VERY polite and patient but I can see her snapping if you keep stalking her. Drop her stuff at her mother’s WITHOUT MAKING CONTACT and leave this chapter of your life behind.

 

Have you been this way with all of yor exes? It’s not normal man..

 

I'm still tossing up whether to give the clothes back to the mother if she requests for them like she told me she would organise today. I was not going to contact the mother otherwise (even though the mother is supportive of me and knows what **** I have been going through with my mentally ill mother and nasty uncles - one of who threatened her with a stick while she was staying with my mother). All my grandparents are dead and my father has had his own issues and I haven't seen him for over 12 years (he was also abusive). I have no brothers or sisters. Other than that I have some uncles I am estranged from (related to my mother's legal and health issues). They were basically my family and I was living with her for most of the time we were together (mostly in apartments I solely rented - for three - four years I was with my grandmother).

 

When I was caring for my late maternal grandmother for years (who had dementia and limited mobility) she was there supporting me. I lost contact with a lot of my school buddies who were going out partying. I was in a steady long term relationship caring for an elderly relative. In terms of my career I had to go back and do post-graduate study as I had been out of the workforce so long caring for her. My uncles drafted a dodgy will when she was fading with dementia (part of the legal issues). Now all the school friends are all very different people and it would be weird, inappropriate for me to just message on Facebook 'hey how are you ten - fifteen years later?' I kept in touch with one good school friend I knew since age 10 but he took his life two years ago and since then I don't have any long term friends or 'besties' left.

 

I have not had that many exes. I have only ever had three GFs. The other two were only month/a few months when I was in my teens (one GF had also dated my late bestie - she now lives in the UK somewhere, the other ex-GF I think moved interstate). I have not been with anyone else other than her all through my 20s. I was her first boyfriend (she had random sex twice with two other guys before me but I was her first BF).

 

We were going out nearly a decade, some say time doesn't matter but we shared a lot together and I know she is out having sex with this other dude it still doesn't stop me wanting to speak and see her (even as a friend as difficult as it has been to come to terms with). I'm ****ing sad it's come to this point but I'm not going to snap at her because I'm not mad. I get it, I'll just have to wait and go NC and even then she may never want to talk to me again.

 

I don't think I'll drop off the old clothes, if that's all she's concerned about that's cold - still not angry but to hell with it if the value of contacting me is purely to get an old sweater and underwear.

 

I still have some of my things in her mother's street access storage garage (I know the code for the lock) I'll get soon because once I go NC she'll probably chuck out my stuff (even the sentimental slides of my late grandparents' holidays from the 60s)

 

And to think less than a year ago we were talking of marriage!

Edited December 25, 2017 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

Just drop the clothes off. Give the mother a text saying I will be leaving her clothes outside at this time and be done with it. Stop stringing it out, she doesn’t want to be friends and she doesn’t want you to keep contacting her family. You’re making this extremely difficult for yourself, with all due respect Luke you’re 30.. time is of the essence man stop wasting yours on these people..

Edited December 25, 2017 by HumanMachine

[elaine567]

I think I should just go NC for the next few months by which stage who knows how things will be with the new guy and where her headspace will be at.

 

NO, not for a few months this needs to be forever.

We all get that you are hurt, but you need to face reality.

YOU have already crossed so many boundaries here.

 

Xmas presents, chats with her mother, awkward walks and long talks...

All highly inappropriate and frankly weird.

SHE dumped you and has moved on.

Stop pushing yourself onto her and her family.

It has to stop.

They have been polite, understanding and nice up till now, but next they will be calling the police and I am not joking.

Stop it.

[JamesonTheWise]

Mate, you need to go NC and give this woman up forever. She doesn't respect you which is clear when she cheated on you with the Latin guy. I don't care what you say you may have done to push her into his arms but she disrespected you nonetheless. Also, when you shook his hand at the club, you made yourself look even worse. Women don't respect men who behave in this manner. You were better off punching him in the face-- not that I recommend that now. This behavior from you is really desperate and abnormal. You need to get a grip and give her up. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you're going to waste some of the better years of your life trying to get her back or destroying the little dignity you have left attempting to be friends with someone who probably thinks of you as a joke now.