No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[lolablue17]

Luke - You don't understand. None of us really knows if there's a chance for her to change her mind in the future. But all of the posters here agree that's if (a big IF) she ever changes her mind, It can happen ONLY if you maintain some balls, dignity and manhood. And the way maintain these is to ignore her and to let her know that you give a fu** about her wishes and needs.

[frigginlost]

Yeah she might not have gone to counselling but I reckon if she was open with me about it we could have at least been on speaking terms still. Even if the new guy was the jealous type we would at least have still had respect for one another and maybe reunited down the line. At this stage reuniting seems incredibly low.

 

I do still think beyond all the crappy circumstance we are very compatible and have shared so much of our lives already with one another.

 

So this is it tomorrow:

 

"Hi,

 

I don't want to see you at the moment. Please let me know a time that suits, and I can drop off your things at your mother's.

 

With regards to the funds, I will transfer those funds, but please note this may take 72 hours (three business days) to transfer through.

 

Maybe we can catch up when the dust settles a bit.

 

Kind Regards,

 

Luke"

 

I thought about the last line but I am not as cold and 'professional' as her and it has no specifity but does float the idea and blunt that I may be smarting or immature about this ('I don't want to see you' is kind of Nyah nyah). Of course I'm analysing all this because even with all that's gone on she is so dear to me.

 

Do *not* send that!! Send the exact one that Lola put together for you.

 

It reeks very badly of weak and manipulative. "I don't want to see you at the moment" then closing with "Maybe we can catch up" is extremely manipulative. And don't reply with a wall of text stating how your mind analyzed the proper response, because she will see it *exactly* how I do.

 

Grab your sack, send what Lola put together for you, and then go dead a$$ silent.

 

I will be brutally up front and honest with you:

 

Based on your extreme analyzing and non-stop walls of "thoughts" and not really hearing what is being told to you, I would not be surprised if that very trait in your personality is a big reason on why she started looking outside the relationship. The Spanish dude was all about fun and no stress. Yes, life can be extremely stressful and we look to our partners to work through it, but you have to realize that placing a massive amount of negative and too deep of discussion can be tiresome. Work on that before your next relationship...

[niji]

Luke,

Do not send what you intended to send. I have to echo the other posters. Right now she does not want to see anything from you other than, "Tell me a time, I'll drop this off". None of this "when the dust settles" cr*p.

 

Sorry for the harsh language, but that's the reality. If my ex had gone dead silent on me, I would have admired that as a sign of a strong man. I'm the type that never goes back on a major decision I made (and have never regretted any decision for that matter), but it's possible that she might. And if there's a 0.001% chance that she may come back if you show you don't give a damn, there's a 0% chance that she will come back if you write anything that remotely suggests you're hoping for a rekindling.

 

Look, you've spent almost half of your life together. It would be incredibly strange and borderline psychopathic if you didn't feel the way you do, but the matter of fact is, she's gone. The way she did that is also quite disrespectful.

 

You haven't answered my question. If she now begs to come back, what would you think? Would you really let her come back and be able to trust her again, knowing that she did what she did? If you just want her to remain in your life as a friend, how do you think that would affect your future relationships and chance of finding true happiness? (Hint: you've just ruined your chance of finding happiness forever; most decent people will not accept a significant ex in their SO's life in any way shape or form, unless there are children / financial involvement, and even then).

 

Not that I think there's any chance she'll be back, but I'm just trying to understand your end game here.

[frigginlost]

Luke,

Do not send what you intended to send. I have to echo the other posters. Right now she does not want to see anything from you other than, "Tell me a time, I'll drop this off". None of this "when the dust settles" cr*p.

 

Sorry for the harsh language, but that's the reality. If my ex had gone dead silent on me, I would have admired that as a sign of a strong man. I'm the type that never goes back on a major decision I made (and have never regretted any decision for that matter), but it's possible that she might. And if there's a 0.001% chance that she may come back if you show you don't give a damn, there's a 0% chance that she will come back if you write anything that remotely suggests you're hoping for a rekindling.

 

Look, you've spent almost half of your life together. It would be incredibly strange and borderline psychopathic if you didn't feel the way you do, but the matter of fact is, she's gone. The way she did that is also quite disrespectful.

 

You haven't answered my question. If she now begs to come back, what would you think? Would you really let her come back and be able to trust her again, knowing that she did what she did? If you just want her to remain in your life as a friend, how do you think that would affect your future relationships and chance of finding true happiness? (Hint: you've just ruined your chance of finding happiness forever; most decent people will not accept a significant ex in their SO's life in any way shape or form, unless there are children / financial involvement, and even then).

 

Not that I think there's any chance she'll be back, but I'm just trying to understand your end game here.

 

^^^That!

 

I'll give you a little bit of life advice on how to earn a woman's respect during a breakup...

 

I got dumped after a 3 year relationship. It hurt like hell, but she would have never known. When it came to her giving me my stuff back from her place, I answered exactly *zero* notifications regarding a time and place. Want to know what she did? She dropped it off on my porch, ran my doorbell, and ran. She jumped into her car and flat out bolted. What did I do? I called her full well knowing she would not pick up as she was driving away and told her "Hey, thanks for dropping my stuff off!".

 

That was it. I fell off the face of the earth

 

Four months later she was on that very same doorstep saying she made the biggest mistake of her life and that she knew it the very second she got my voicemail saying thanks. She took that "thanks" I gave her as a f*ck off.

 

And that's exactly how I meant it.

[healing light]

Good will evaporated when she cheated on you. The fact that you saw her out with another dude should have been enough to not feel like you owe her an additional $1000 that she never wanted back during the relationship when you paid all the damn bills. But, just because you paid the first part as an attempt to keep in touch with her doesn't mean that you should dole out the second installment like a trail of breadcrumbs that will lead her back to you. It won't.

 

Instead, it will look like you have no self-respect at all. Not only because you never owed it in the first place, but because you allow her to keep playing you after you already discovered she basically had an affair during your relationship that led to the end. It will only seem desperate if you give it to her and game-playing if you drag it out--I guarantee she will resent you much more if you dribble money you never owed in the first place than make a clean break.

 

You're engaging in self-sabotage here, going against your own dignity, in order to bank on the chance that she might change her mind about you. She's probably thinking she got a sweet deal--not only did she get to monkey branch to another relationship, but she's getting paid to do so.

 

You don't owe her anything, and especially not so after you found out she's already banging another guy. It's manipulative to draw this out, it's disingenuous, it's only going to make you respect yourself less over time. The whole thing is gross.

 

Shouldn't she be the one concerned about losing your good will?? But, that's assuming she cares. And she clearly doesn't. You need to cut off ALL contact with this woman.

[ConfusedLuke]

Good will evaporated when she cheated on you. The fact that you saw her out with another dude should have been enough to not feel like you owe her an additional $1000 that she never wanted back during the relationship when you paid all the damn bills. But, just because you paid the first part as an attempt to keep in touch with her doesn't mean that you should dole out the second installment like a trail of breadcrumbs that will lead her back to you. It won't.

 

Instead, it will look like you have no self-respect at all. Not only because you never owed it in the first place, but because you allow her to keep playing you after you already discovered she basically had an affair during your relationship that led to the end. It will only seem desperate if you give it to her and game-playing if you drag it out--I guarantee she will resent you much more if you dribble money you never owed in the first place than make a clean break.

 

You're engaging in self-sabotage here, going against your own dignity, in order to bank on the chance that she might change her mind about you. She's probably thinking she got a sweet deal--not only did she get to monkey branch to another relationship, but she's getting paid to do so.

 

You don't owe her anything, and especially not so after you found out she's already banging another guy. It's manipulative to draw this out, it's disingenuous, it's only going to make you respect yourself less over time. The whole thing is gross.

 

Shouldn't she be the one concerned about losing your good will?? But, that's assuming she cares. And she clearly doesn't. You need to cut off ALL contact with this woman.

 

I don't think she was banging any other guys while she was with me, even though I believe she checked out months in advance and made the decision to break at least a month prior to telling me, anyway.

 

Dammit... So here's the response:

 

"Dear Luke,

 

Thank you kindly. I appreciate it, it would be good if you could drop by on the weekend sometime maybe Saturday could work ?

 

Kind regards,"

 

When she says 'drop by' she means to her mothers (obviously not the new boyfriend's place). All sweetness and light, 'Thank you kindly' what is that? I don't know but it seems her mother is guiding her (bless her heart).

 

I did get a missed call from both her and her mother around the time I sent the email (but hours before she responded with the above)

 

What are the chances I remain in touch with the family (considering they were like my replacement family when mine all died / turned against each other in an estate dispute).

 

This will not give me any respect in my ex's eyes and of course I would 100% prefer to be with her than just a 'family friend' but her mother has been there for me and the sister is nice.

 

Do you think once I drop the stuff back they would be so cold to drop me like a hot rock?

 

I haven't contacted the family during this time out of respect (other than texting to sister to give back my ex's stuff as it could be perceived by her as 'sliding in' or trying to 'manipulate' considering that's her mindset) but I miss the mother and sister as well (obviously in a different way) and her doing this is like me losing a second family after ten years.

 

They have 95% likelihood met the new guy, but considering they've known me on a decade and him in comparison for five hot minutes I'm thinking surely they have some heart and would still keep on good terms with me...

 

It sounds so screwed up but I miss going to the shops with the mother and just coming around for dinner and even if I'm not with the ex it makes me feel at least I have some family left.

 

I have thought about how awkward that could be if the new boyfriend was hanging around there but as she didn't live with the mother she will be spending most of the time at the new guy's place which means the mother will be there alone most of the time (I'm not sure if my ex will even be there on Saturday - it will probably just be her mother which is probably for the best).

 

I feel disorientated by this all, not just her not being around anymore but people who I thought I could rely on, who I cared about and thought cared about me I don't know anymore if they do (I sure as hell know the ex doesn't want to be with me but by extension then does all her family then suddenly turn cold?).

 

I know my ex's sister has remained on good terms with her ex's sister and family (she was in a LTR for 5-6 years with her ex) and the mother did mention that when she saw me without my ex around in days after the break up so think it's possible, just right now everything seems so fresh and her doing this (after weeks of NC) seems like a brutal attempt to just wipe me completely out of her life.

Edited February 6, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ExpatInItaly]

Generally, when you break up with the ex, you break up with the family too.

 

It doesn't mean they don't care about you, but it's also not very realistic to try to remain close with them. Their daughter is their priority, and they will respect her desire to end the relationship. Cutting ties with you isn't brutal or cold; it's a reflection of their wish to preserve their daughter's interests. It's not about you as a person. You will never move on if you attempt to remain in their lives, and your ex probably won't love you trying to stay friends with them either.

 

It isn't easy, but you will have to let go of the family too.

Edited February 6, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[CantTakeMySmile]

Well, that was a great response from her. Hopefully, she will not be there Saturday and you will be over start fresh now.

 

As far as the family, my mother was also close to my ex. She was the one that kept in contact with my ex after we broke up. I had just asked her not to let me know, which worked for me. My ex would respond but I think it was hard on her. They still have some contact now, but minimal. That was five years ago. I feel, for your mental state, you should cut ties with her family. If they reach out, I would not be rude, but in no way, should you reach out to them, her friends, or her sisters friends. And definitely do not see them.

[ConfusedLuke]

Well, that was a great response from her. Hopefully, she will not be there Saturday and you will be over start fresh now.

 

As far as the family, my mother was also close to my ex. She was the one that kept in contact with my ex after we broke up. I had just asked her not to let me know, which worked for me. My ex would respond but I think it was hard on her. They still have some contact now, but minimal. That was five years ago. I feel, for your mental state, you should cut ties with her family. If they reach out, I would not be rude, but in no way, should you reach out to them, her friends, or her sisters friends. And definitely do not see them.

 

I'm probably 80% projecting but I do think there is a part of her that misses me and is shelving it deep down inside because she wants to give her all to this new guy. I understand from the posts on here it may come across like I am somewhat obsessive in my mental state but it has been a shock and I guess I have already been anxious because of the precarious situation I am with my mother and the legal disputes (which surely didn't add to her feeling secure and was probably a big reason why she felt uncomfortable and drifted).

 

The irritating thing is that this is not part of 'who I am inside' or even my personality, I used to be laid back but she lost sight of that I feel. I have always been a bit sensitive I guess but recently I have been breaking down in tears and all that crap. I can see how she lost interest especially being negative about saving my mother from bankruptcy and the lawyers' shafting me.

 

The reason I guess I have been hopeful is because I know that this is all circumstantial, the most frustrating thing is that she didn't see past it. It isn't her obligation to do it but I just wished she reached out but she must have been insecure in herself and did not feel comfortable expressing her wants and needs to me.

 

The magnitude of stress I was dealing with probably made her feel her aspirations of studying and want of travel and be young was secondary or less important. However she did not express these wants (and I really wanted to travel too - most of the cheesy stuff is contained in that rambling letter I posted on here but didn't send her) in the relationship because (despite my asking her if she was OK and if anything was wrong) she did not have the internal strength or will (and to me it seems to even bother) highlighting these desires to me.

 

Of course if I knew she was concerned all I was focussed on was kids and a house I would have reassured her that we could refinance or save up and travel Europe, South America, Asia etc. and that was part of my dreams too. But by the time the break up occurred she just decided we were different people, or came to that mental rationalisation because her feelings were all over the place being flirted with by other guys.

 

Anyway, I have some clarity and I can see the pressure she felt to have kids to achieve some sort of stability because I felt the pressure too.

 

But there was no chance for me to even know if she didn't express herself to me so at the end of the day that was her issue. And I only feel sad because I did ask her if she was feeling down about things and it was always 'I'm fine', 'just stressed with study', 'why are you always asking what's wrong', she had opportunities I tried my best through all the crap to cultivate a supportive environment but she had given up.

 

Who knows what the future holds and as cliche as it sounds I won't be holding my breath but I still through all this feel like we will be together again, maybe when we both have grown up a little outside of the old broken relationship but we have shared so much, been large supports for one another and at the end of the day probably 'needed this' (as she said).

 

I still feel I can keep healthy boundaries with the mother and it not be too awkward. We did go to the shops immediately post break up, it was cool and we didn't even discuss my ex at all.

 

Anyway, looking forward and I understand if they can't be as supportive of me as they have been (the family) I still hope to have them there, looking forward to the occasional dinner catch up (not with my ex for now) and trips out.

[HumanMachine]

Luke, she doesn’t miss you at all.. just be done with it..

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the dinners and trips out with her family are not going to continue.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I still through all this feel like we will be together again,

 

 

This thought is you going down a rabbit hole. It is not helpful. Continuing thinking that way will cause you to continue down a long, unhealthy path.

 

 

How long after you broke up did she move out? Where did she move to?

 

 

You write walls upon walls of text, basically outlining the same thoughts. You loved her and treated her like a queen. You were together a long time, You have outlying hardships, and she didn't communicate. You spend much more time on these four bullet points, than you do on the fact that she was having an affair, in essence, moving on. That is the bullet point that matters now, and you are even rationalizing this point.

 

 

You focus on the reason being circumstantial. I assume that is because it still provides you a way to rationalize hope. But, while you were undergoing hardships, the way she handled the circumstances were more telling of her end game. Think about how you felt about her. If she was going through a tough time, would you go out of town? Would you have been a good partner for her to lean on? Well, she did and she wasn't, that is a tell tale sign, sir.

 

 

If you are going to spend hours analyzing this, please look at it from an outsider's perspective. How would you view this if you were not emotionally connected? I think most (if not all) posters who have replied, have seen you as trying to manipulate an outcome. Why would you want to manipulate someone to be with you?

 

 

You analyzed her actions to death and then she responded and when you didn't have anything about her to analyzed anymore (as I assume you saw that she was not leaving a door open for you to have a conversation about her feelings), you quickly jumped ship to start analyzing what her family and friends may say or do. Do you see the pattern yourself, or are you blind to it? You are free now, you have nothing else to try to figure out. You don't need to figure out the exact right verbiage to use to organize getting her things to her, you don't have to write and rewrite emails anymore. If you need to write, write a plan on how to move on, without her.

 

 

Now, she has responded kindly, and you have a game plan to return her things. Now is the proverbial cutting of the cord. It is a time to recognize a new beginning.

[frigginlost]

I'm probably 80% projecting but I do think there is a part of her that misses me and is shelving it deep down inside because she wants to give her all to this new guy. I understand from the posts on here it may come across like I am somewhat obsessive in my mental state but it has been a shock and I guess I have already been anxious because of the precarious situation I am with my mother and the legal disputes (which surely didn't add to her feeling secure and was probably a big reason why she felt uncomfortable and drifted).

 

The irritating thing is that this is not part of 'who I am inside' or even my personality, I used to be laid back but she lost sight of that I feel. I have always been a bit sensitive I guess but recently I have been breaking down in tears and all that crap. I can see how she lost interest especially being negative about saving my mother from bankruptcy and the lawyers' shafting me.

 

The reason I guess I have been hopeful is because I know that this is all circumstantial, the most frustrating thing is that she didn't see past it. It isn't her obligation to do it but I just wished she reached out but she must have been insecure in herself and did not feel comfortable expressing her wants and needs to me.

 

The magnitude of stress I was dealing with probably made her feel her aspirations of studying and want of travel and be young was secondary or less important. However she did not express these wants (and I really wanted to travel too - most of the cheesy stuff is contained in that rambling letter I posted on here but didn't send her) in the relationship because (despite my asking her if she was OK and if anything was wrong) she did not have the internal strength or will (and to me it seems to even bother) highlighting these desires to me.

 

Of course if I knew she was concerned all I was focussed on was kids and a house I would have reassured her that we could refinance or save up and travel Europe, South America, Asia etc. and that was part of my dreams too. But by the time the break up occurred she just decided we were different people, or came to that mental rationalisation because her feelings were all over the place being flirted with by other guys.

 

Anyway, I have some clarity and I can see the pressure she felt to have kids to achieve some sort of stability because I felt the pressure too.

 

But there was no chance for me to even know if she didn't express herself to me so at the end of the day that was her issue. And I only feel sad because I did ask her if she was feeling down about things and it was always 'I'm fine', 'just stressed with study', 'why are you always asking what's wrong', she had opportunities I tried my best through all the crap to cultivate a supportive environment but she had given up.

 

Who knows what the future holds and as cliche as it sounds I won't be holding my breath but I still through all this feel like we will be together again, maybe when we both have grown up a little outside of the old broken relationship but we have shared so much, been large supports for one another and at the end of the day probably 'needed this' (as she said).

 

I still feel I can keep healthy boundaries with the mother and it not be too awkward. We did go to the shops immediately post break up, it was cool and we didn't even discuss my ex at all.

 

Anyway, looking forward and I understand if they can't be as supportive of me as they have been (the family) I still hope to have them there, looking forward to the occasional dinner catch up (not with my ex for now) and trips out.

 

I'm gonna smack you with some reality:

 

You, in any way shape or form trying to remain part of your ex's family is going to backfire. Hard. You're going to put your ex in a position of her telling them she don't like the fact you're still around. What do you think the family is going to do? You're wrong. They are going to tell you it's time to move on (probably through ignoring you since you can't seem to take a hint).

 

And in all that time wasted, think about how far ahead you would be in healing if you had just walked away.

 

You're setting yourself up to be destroyed a second time...

[HumanMachine]

I'm gonna smack you with some reality:

 

You, in any way shape or form trying to remain part of your ex's family is going to backfire. Hard. You're going to put your ex in a position of her telling them she don't like the fact you're still around. What do you think the family is going to do? You're wrong. They are going to tell you it's time to move on (probably through ignoring you since you can't seem to take a hint).

 

And in all that time wasted, think about how far ahead you would be in healing if you had just walked away.

 

You're setting yourself up to be destroyed a second time...

 

He will incorrectly justify his forcefulness like he does with every good bit of advice that is posted here. It’s very creepy and you’re lucky her family feel sorry for you, many others would’ve requested a restraining order.

[Jennakay08]

One would surmise that this is partly because she never allowed herself to feel the hurt, opting instead to mask the pain with a new relationship. It's a short-term fix. We all must face these things eventually. I suggest you bite the proverbial bullet and do so now so you can move on with your life.

 

If I could like this a million times I would. It is so true, I just learned this the hard way. It is a temporary fix. It is IMPERATIVE to heal the grief of a LTR or love before jumping into another one. I can't stress that enough to myself and like I said I learned this the hard way. OP just move on, heal yourself, remind yourself of the bad not good, you will never heal if you keep doing this stuff.

[ConfusedLuke]

I still through all this feel like we will be together again,

How long after you broke up did she move out? Where did she move to?

 

 

She 'broke up' with me on the Sunday (after getting back from the week long girl's trip on the Friday) we kept in touch but she didn't come back until the next Saturday when we spent the day/night together and then it's like a flick switched, I hadn't even really woken up and she was collecting some of her things when she left early on the Sunday morning (I did offer her a lift which she accepted even though her mother's place is about a fifteen or so minute walk away), she went silent on that Sunday but by the Monday we were texting (and I helped her scan an application for her study program on Wednesday) until the Thursday when it all went down (the text to go out, then seeing her out with this guy).

 

I thought she went back to her mothers but when I went back it seemed like she had been spending all her time at the guy's place who lives about a twenty minute bus ride from her mother's and five-ten minute drive away from me, since he is on exchange I'm guessing he has his own room sharing probably an apartment with a few others (there are a lot of international students in that area).

 

I'm also assuming since there was a study break perhaps the other flatmates went back overseas so they may have had the place largely to themselves. It still seems like they are going strong given the lack of 'breadcrumbs' but who knows for certain.

 

I'd assume they would be though. I've known her for that long that she would be really trying to make things work with the new guy and from the Whatsapp conversation he seemed fairly enamoured with her.

 

I doubt it will be as deep as we were but that was the issue. We were probably codependent and when I wasn't giving as much as before because I was taken with work and focussing my time and energy more and more on my mother and dealing with lawyers it's obvious she felt her needs weren't being met (or could not be met by me - hence the 'subconscious' detachment).

 

She probably also wanted to be in a less intense relationship with a more laid back kind natured partner (whereas I was grumpy and distant at times but also dramatic about the future - hence the intensity).

 

I think she has projected a lot of hope onto this guy but who really knows if they are long or even mid-term compatible.

 

Anyway she's now got this guy and I gather is relying more and more on her new friends she's met through her research program and study, while I have a work colleague I've been speaking to during lunch breaks (and even it's getting to the stage it's slightly awkward and he suggested I get a therapist).

 

I'm not 'angry' at her, it's just this overwhelming sadness.

 

When she said 'we needed this' it wasn't with a view for potential reconciliation she made it very clear that she wouldn't consider it in the future but I doubt any dumper would at the time they are doing the dumping and are considering dating other men.

 

It's tragic today but I got my first received call from my mother today in weeks (she blocked my number because she thinks I'm involved with police - I've called her from another number but most of the time she doesn't pick up anyway and when she does she usually yells abuse for a minute then hangs up, I also try and visit her but she doesn't answer the door or will come to the door and tell me about how 'the people I'm working with' (I don't even know what she means by this - she has said things like 'intelligence agencies') are scum etc.).

 

She called me at work asking for $2,200 ($1,500 to pay a pawn shop and $700 for a tradesman). Considering I'm already in large debt (I've already gone over this) I couldn't even afford $2,200 if I wanted to (given my credit limit and amount in my bank).

 

It's funny how someone who is suffering paranoid delusions can suddenly feel comfortable enough to call you when they need $$$$.

 

I also feel somewhat exploited by the ex. Clearly she felt comfortable enough to ask me for $$$$ months later because I think she knows I still have feelings for her or want to be her friend.

 

Would you just put that request out there if she thought your ex was some kind of easily triggered psycho in need of a restraining order? She knows I'm wrapped around her finger and a soft touch.

 

I also had a ticket on my door today, it seems like my rent subsidy is about to be removed (great timing all this!) which will mean my rent will go up by about $250 per week... (which will then mean over half my post-tax income will be being spent on rent, with another 20-30% servicing debt, this is something I have not budgeted for).

 

Since the break up my music taste has also gone out the window, I went from listening to break up/missing you songs like Yo La Tengo's 'Autumn Sweater' and The Cure's 'Pictures of You' to Post Malone's 'I Fall Apart' and My Chemical Romance's 'I Don't Love You'.

 

That's some humour, but things are messed up.

Edited February 7, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

Luke have you considered professional help?

[ConfusedLuke]

Luke have you considered professional help?

 

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow (they also do family mediation etc. there but that's not why I'm going). I have gone to about five counselling sessions but most of it's just me debriefing to them - letting everything out - that feels good for a little while, maybe a few hours but then everything just feels grey again.

 

Saturday/Sunday is going to be hard.

 

I don't want it to be definitive despite many on here saying it's better for the healing process.

 

Since I have no friends or family except for them it's not like I can turn anywhere else (aside from the ramble/vent on here), paying someone to tell you that 'it's time to focus on you!' is not my idea of progress. I already am keeping fit, keeping going to work, trying out different social groups meeting up but I still feel very isolated and think about her every hour of every day (what she's doing, memories, how much I just want to chat and clear things up).

 

My ex's family are great people, and maybe other people can turn to their own family's in times of crisis I can't.

 

And of course the ex as probably poured gasoline over my reputation to them and all her friends (and they will stick by whatever she wants as they are her friends and family) I still think they are good hearted people who can see how much I've been trying and how much it means to me just being able to have some people who have known me for years to visit and keep up with.

[HumanMachine]

How hasn’t this given you motivation to find your own group of friends? Relying on your ex’s family for support is incredibly sad..

 

From what I’ve seen Luke you’ve been way too needy and relied far too much on your ex and her family, this is what has pushed her away. You’ll justify it and argue that she will come back and blah blah but nope, this is how it is. Become a more attractive prospect.

[gonebibi]

Hi Luke, Just been reading your thread. I think just like everyone else you are doing yourself more harm than good.

 

If you EVER want to get your ex back you have to cut contact, you need to leave your ex to it, You being around all the time and being nice with her will be pushing her further away 100%!

 

I'm in a very similar situation. My girlfriend of 8 years left me for someone else(a girl) and i dont have any friends or anyone to talk to. I pleaded with her for the first week, and sent a few angry messages. But i have let her know i will not be her friend, and that i am disgusted in what she has done and how she has treated me.

 

Funny thing is, she believes in her head she has done nothing wrong... and i have no right to be angry.

 

At the end of the day Luke, you absolutely should be angry with her, After what she has done, and how easily she has done it... You owe her ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And you are making your self look more and more pathetic to her with every message and every bit of contact you have with her.

 

From here on out, do not Send her any messages, do not give her any money, do not let her find out what you are up to, or how you are coping, keep her guessing. Cut all ties and contact, not only with her but her family. Start your own life... just like me, 9 weeks on from the break up i still dont have a friend.. But i am getting closer i am working on myself and becoming a better man.

 

Both our girlfriends know we love them, but they need to know we are not a back up, or a doormat. IF they want us back they need to work for us, we are not going to go back to them easily after what they have done they must WORK HARD to get us back. And if they dont? Well... We are both better off on our own i am 100% certain both of us will come out of this in a better position then our ex's in the end, whether or not they come back to us... This might not seem like it now, or maybe not even in another two months. But eventually WE WILL pick ourselves up and move on to bigger and better things, and THEY WILL notice eventually.

 

Its not easy Luke, every day is a battle! Like you my ex is in my head from the moment i wake, to the moment i go to bed. You cannot do anything to change her mind. You have to let them decide if it was a mistake, and she will keep believing she made the right choice if we both act needy and if she thinks you will always be around.

[ConfusedLuke]

How hasn’t this given you motivation to find your own group of friends? Relying on your ex’s family for support is incredibly sad..

 

From what I’ve seen Luke you’ve been way too needy and relied far too much on your ex and her family, this is what has pushed her away. You’ll justify it and argue that she will come back and blah blah but nope, this is how it is. Become a more attractive prospect.

 

She was probably right in some ways about 'finding your own support network' (these were words used that took me off guard) or group of friends but facts are I lost touch with a lot of the people I went to school with (which I would now never try and foist a false relationship with whom because most are having families and I haven't seen them in a decade and I was never really tight friends with anyone in particular because of going to different schools, could you imagine the 'sup these days?' creepy message on facebook, especially since I went to single sex schools that would be ****ing strange).

 

I left and went on with studies. I also shifted around schools because I was on a scholarship but I hated living on school grounds so left to another school but that was too expensive so eventually graduated in a state school (where I was a state level athlete, awarded public speaker, top 5% leaving marks etc. etc.)

 

But after I left school things were different studying my degree, I didn't share much in common with my international classmates and I was spending most of my time with her or looking after my grandmother and then crap hit the fan with my mother and stability and all that.

 

Nurturing friendships, keeping in touch and 'networking' seemed superficial and I already had a devoted partner and what little family I had left to look after. Now I am truly screwed because I just pictured a future with her, I never considered her ever leaving.

 

This guy is fairly opposite in that regard; he's mister popular (judging by what he's publicly shared on his facebook profile) getting hundred+ likes from his friends back home for sharing a heartfelt post, or random spanish memes.

 

I can't even remember what brought me happiness before she came into my life. Going down the beach and bodysurfing, crap like that. Exercise is good but it's a bandaid fix and even when I'm doing laps in the ocean my mind is on her.

Edited February 7, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Luke, I have one friend. I used to run with a big group of friends and then after the end of my 8 year relationship, I realized how much the group had grown apart. Now, almost all of them are married and/or have kids. And though I will always love them, I don't have any desire to rekindle that strong bond with them.

 

 

My dad was my best friend and he passed away. My mom is so into herself that I am not an option to her. My brother is an alcoholic that I see once a year. That is the extent of my family.

 

 

I say all of this to say that you can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can adjust. At one point, I was feeling a bit panicky about not having friends and I joined "meetup" to find persons with similar interests, and that was good for the time. That kinda faded. Then I found that I enjoy being by myself. I am not saying everyone will, as I seem to enjoy it more than most.

 

 

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A PLAN THAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO MOVE FORWARD!! Each time posters tell you their advice, you negate it, with a "but... it was just circumstantial"... this frame of thought will not move you forward. You are grasping at the proverbial straw. YOU are the one trying to reframe the last six months that she has been seeing another man.

 

 

I still think of my ex (not the 8 year one) every hour of every day. And it freaking sucks. But, if I think about how I am going to see her in X amount of days, or how I will text in X amount of months, or how she will eventually come back, then I would be hindering my healing. I f*cking miss her. But, I have decided to move on.

 

 

You have to decide to move on. After Saturday, you should have no reason to sit and stew over this.

[ConfusedLuke]

At one point, I was feeling a bit panicky about not having friends and I joined "meetup" to find persons with similar interests, and that was good for the time. That kinda faded. Then I found that I enjoy being by myself. I am not saying everyone will, as I seem to enjoy it more than most.

 

I tried that for a few weeks too. The people who go to the ones I went to (movies, trekking etc.) were decent folk but completely different life stages (most) or just way different in personality to me. I actually like hanging around people, valuing others and being valued.

 

In saying that it's difficult to forge more than the superficial 'hey how you going, how's the weather' at any age but trying to make friends with random guys and girls at 30 when you share no mutual friends (and are not out with any friends - whether that be attending a 'meet up' or going to see a band) is often labeled strange and to some extent creepy (I'm not talking about going up and talking to teenagers but random people around your age who you don't know from scratch).

 

I have been going out by myself and am fairly confident (though don't believe I'm Arnie or anything) but people just drift once they realise you are alone and are probably there to 'make friends' they are turned off probably thinking you have ulterior motives and it seems once you can't create banter beyond yourself (say if you had a friend you could regale a new buddy or lady with some funny story you shared together or how the day went) then you come across as a loner/self-involved etc. etc. I don't mean to say this in a self-conscious way it's just facts.

 

The ironic thing is I'm not going out to screw the world because I really don't feel like having sex (though people say dumpees, especially males, want loads of rebound sex nothing actually turns me on atm tbh even the thought of my ex is just sadness and wanting to be in her arms but it is not overwhelming sexual yearning and when I think of her and sex right now it gets me thinking of the guy which is no good) but maybe I give off signals that I am desperate for something (which I probably am inside - friendship, oh and my ex of course).

 

I guess the silver lining in all this is that I have had time to ruminate over the Staind song 'It's been awhile'. I wonder how long 'awhile' is: I'm thinking 15 months to 2 years (then it possibly becomes a long time, any shorter and it's a 'little while').

Edited February 7, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

I tried that for a few weeks too. The people who go to the ones I went to (movies, trekking etc.) were decent folk but completely different life stages (most) or just way different in personality to me. I actually like hanging around people, valuing others and being valued.

 

In saying that it's difficult to forge more than the superficial 'hey how you going, how's the weather' at any age but trying to make friends with random guys and girls at 30 when you share no mutual friends (and are not out with any friends - whether that be attending a 'meet up' or going to see a band) is often labeled strange and to some extent creepy (I'm not talking about going up and talking to teenagers but random people around your age who you don't know from scratch).

 

I have been going out by myself and am fairly confident (though don't believe I'm Arnie or anything) but people just drift once they realise you are alone and are probably there to 'make friends' they are turned off probably thinking you have ulterior motives and it seems once you can't create banter beyond yourself (say if you had a friend you could regale a new buddy or lady with some funny story you shared together or how the day went) then you come across as a loner/self-involved etc. etc. I don't mean to say this in a self-conscious way it's just facts.

 

The ironic thing is I'm not going out to screw the world because I really don't feel like having sex (though people say dumpees, especially males, want loads of rebound sex nothing actually turns me on atm tbh even the thought of my ex is just sadness and wanting to be in her arms but it is not overwhelming sexual yearning and when I think of her and sex right now it gets me thinking of the guy which is no good) but maybe I give off signals that I am desperate for something (which I probably am inside - friendship, oh and my ex of course).

 

 

 

Well, then I guess you have it figure out. You will not have any friends and you will wait until she comes back. Nothing else will ever make sense to you.

 

 

This is the pathetic view you are projecting.

[ConfusedLuke]

Well, then I guess you have it figure out. You will not have any friends and you will wait until she comes back. Nothing else will ever make sense to you.

 

 

This is the pathetic view you are projecting.

 

I will keep going out, I will keep speaking to random people at bus stops, I will keep trying to create connections but if people don't want to bother what are you to do and to be honest would most guys and girls want some random stranger in their lives? Especially when lots already have 'enough friends' or find entertainment in apps and Netflix much more fulfilling than spending time having conversations or simply prefer being by themselves most of the time.

 

But yeah some may so I keep going...

 

I don't like being alone with no one to physically speak to. I miss all the conversations and perspectives I shared with her and she shared with me and she knew all my struggle and still believed in a future ...Up until the break at least.

 

I think she lost my sense of humour though in the seriousness of the struggle it must have seemed like I was an eighty year old cranky man, or maybe she didn't but instead of endearing she found it annoying.

 

Just sucks.

Edited February 7, 2018 by ConfusedLuke