No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[CantTakeMySmile]

I miss all the conversations and perspectives I shared with her and she shared with me and she knew all my struggle and still believed in a future ...Up until the break at least.

 

I think she lost my sense of humour though in the seriousness of the struggle it must have seemed like I was an eighty year old cranky man, or maybe she didn't but instead of endearing she found it annoying.

 

Just sucks.

 

 

Do you see how everything that is said to you circles back to how she feels/acts/says? THIS MUST STOP. You are independent of her.

[ConfusedLuke]

Do you see how everything that is said to you circles back to how she feels/acts/says? THIS MUST STOP. You are independent of her.

 

I know I am but so much of the last ten years about was sucked up thinking of her, emailing/texting/calling her and physically being around her (out of the nine years we lived together for about four of them at some point or another and we were always close - there was no 'on again off again' though she went travelling for months on end we were still emailing each other every day).

 

So there is this cavernous void and my head is still in shock mode, sometimes I find myself going to the phone to call her and just end up reading the last texts from over a month ago. Then looking at the public view of her hardly updated Facebook. It really is crap.

[CantTakeMySmile]

But that reality is no longer. No matter how you reframe it in your mind, the reality is you are not with her, so focusing on the ten years you were together is moot.

[HumanMachine]

Yes it is crap but you aren’t helping yourself!!!!!!!

[niji]

It is a really crappy situation to be in. I'm really sorry that you have no support network as most people have their families to rely on in times like these... I'm sorry.

 

Do you have hobbies that allow you to join message boards? TBH I'm not a people person and I'd rather have long conversations (regardless of how silly, I don't need convos that are scholarly all the time) with a few than "small talks", which I dread. Meeting people IRL and becoming friends that way (outside of class) has never been my forte. To tell you the truth, among my best friends, one is from professional school, and the rest are from an online forum that I joined 10 yrs ago. I still rely on them heavily 10 years after, have (traveled to) met them several times IRL (luckily none of them were deranged murderers or psychos and were just like how I imagined online); they basically constitute my support network, other than family. Given your personality, do you think you can give something like that a try?

 

Have you ever wanted to do something really badly? Maybe it's time to give it a try. I KNOW at first you will circle back to her, but something you truly love doing to distract you for a period long enough, so that time will heal.

 

I agree that among the problems of your relationship, one of the most important was you relying on her and her family heavily. She may not have said it, or even knew consciously it is this reason that bothered her, but subconsciously nobody wants to carry a burden of being someone else's sole support and reason for living (which honestly it sounds like she was yours). It really kills the lightheartedness that a romantic relationship should have.

 

Again nothing other than complete no contact will help you heal. You will heal and move on, and find another. Her family has to go. If you were able to find her, you will find others, SOs and friends included. But you have to believe in that first; otherwise every discussion here is pointless if it just goes back to her.

[BrokeI]

Hello Luke,

 

I did read your first post, not the entire topic, so sorry if i miss some stuff.

 

Luke, your a good guy and you need to stop now.

 

I was in the exact same situation plus kids and 8 years of wedding and 12 years of total relationship.

 

I'm 29, she was 28 when she decided to cheat, leave me and leave the kids too.

 

So trust me, i can empathize with you.

 

I was in the same stage , trying to be a good guy, show her i still loved her... this is all bull****.

 

What you need is focus on yourself because she is incredibly selfish. What the **** seriously, kissing another guy in front of you ? What kind of mean people do that do another one in love after several years of relationship ? This is cruel.

 

Then telling you "it's been so a long time i was not happy" while talking about the other guys. Your girlfriend and my wife could have been best buddy

 

I'm going to give you some advice, you do what you want, but it come from a guy who was near to kill himself for his wife.

 

"Everything happen for a reason" I can't tell you what the reason is right now, but you will find it and at some point, you will see, her going away was the best gift she could do to you.

 

"Friends with her ?" Common, have some dignity. She don't care about your emotion, your heart or anything else. You don't deserve to be treated like that and the first thing to do is to stop letting people do it. She don't deserve your friendship but you can't even see it.

 

"Focus on yourself" : Ok now she's gone, what can you do ? Be a pathetic guy who will always be there for her no matter what or be a guy who are going to kill it on everything ?! The pain should drive this feeling, to be a man again and not a doormat. Go exercices, looking good, study, whatever it takes to live your life again without her in your mind. You did have a life before her and you will have one after too. Take this experience to become a way better version of yourself.

 

If you treat yourself like that, it's because you lack self esteem so it's time to rebuild it step by step.

 

It's not healthy for you to not totally cut the tie with her.

 

I'm with you. I was here, i'm out and i'm never going back in this hole but you had to understand that the only person able to help you... is YOU

[ConfusedLuke]

Thank you for your words of support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to the previous posters individually but I understand that I should focus on me and 'move on' in saying that she was a part of me for so long and I do think about her every hour of every day and a lot of the time it's excruciating (and now I'm rambling)

 

On Saturday I dropped her clothes off in the Toyota I wanted to give her mother as a parting gift (it was my late grandmother's and I cannot bear to sell it - registration valid for another six months). I left her mother a thank you card in the letterbox with the key. I didn't want to knock because I knew the mother would not feel comfortable accepting such a gift face to face and wanted to give her time to consider it (it came from a place of genuine care as she suffers immune problems and has issues with swollen feet and catches buses with bags of groceries - it wasn't as if I was just giving a car as a gift of largess to patch things up or create a latent expectation - in fact I went so far as to include a signed disposal form for the vehicle in case she didn't feel comfortable contacting me ever again to transfer the registration).

 

Next day (today) her caring, gorgeous mother followed me to my front door (I had no idea but she was behind me as I came back from a workout), and nicely said my ex wasn't comfortable with her accepting the gift (gave me the car key back) and told me that my ex was still missing a dress.

 

It is clear her lovely mother was sent on express orders by my ex to refuse the car and ask specifically about ONE item of clothing. I mean really? Me and her mother had a good two hour chat about what happened. I really care about her as she was really my mother as well for the last ten years given my own estranged mother's condition and ill health & eventual passing of my grandmother.

 

I really don't know why my ex is steaming so much considering I have both given her space and been responsive to her requests throughout this, even to her 'civil' overtures - extracting money and her things off me. I love her but I feel she is really rubbing it in.

 

I hope she sees soon that my heart is in the right place, all I want is to wish her happiness but it seems all she wants to do is give me more grief, only concerned with material belongings and not at all about me. I don't want to relate it to me but it's like everything has flipped on it's head - before she didn't care much for material possessions and loved me to the end of the earth and now it's the other way around.

 

Anyway, I just want to hear her voice and have a conversation not about her stuff or new boyfriend. I didn't speak to her or see her this weekend although I probably could have if I called her up but she has been so cold-hearted I don't know how the conversation would have gone.

 

Hopefully one day she will have a change of heart. I just keep being positive about all this. I think deep down she knows how much I care about her, even if she is reinforcing to herself that she has fallen out of love with me I think we aren't incompatible and may be together again.

Edited February 11, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Good for you for accepting this for what it is and not continuing to reach out and planning Facebook requests. Maybe with this change, you will soon come into acceptance that this is over ( you don’t seem there yet)

 

I think she just wants to close the door quickly. That is why she asked for the other things back. She noticed they were missing and doesn’t want to drag it out any longer. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to you directly so I would drop the stuff off at her moms. Or just mail it to her, even better. Do you even know where the stuff is? I don’t think she is being hateful by her actions, So I wouldn’t sweat it.

 

God luck and keep the distance.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is angry because you're not respecting the boundaries that come with a break-up.

 

The gift of the car was just not appropriate now that you are not together anymore. That is quite the opposite of giving her space. You have to stop trying to find ways to wiggle back into her life and prove what a good guy you are. You can see that it's not working and only serving to upset her and you, when you don't get the response you hoped for.

 

It's time for you to leave all of them be. I understand they were a big part of your life, but you simply must work toward accepting it won't remain that way.

[Blanco]

You don't need to be "over" her right away, Luke, but you do need to stop with these awkward gestures of goodwill. They are not coming from an altruistic place right now. They are covertly intended to trigger your ex into remembering what a swell chap you are and return to you. I promise you that she sees this, which is why she's annoyed, not flattered, but these gestures.

[frigginlost]

Thank you for your words of support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to the previous posters individually but I understand that I should focus on me and 'move on' in saying that she was a part of me for so long and I do think about her every hour of every day and a lot of the time it's excruciating (and now I'm rambling)

 

On Saturday I dropped her clothes off in the Toyota I wanted to give her mother as a parting gift (it was my late grandmother's and I cannot bear to sell it - registration valid for another six months). I left her mother a thank you card in the letterbox with the key. I didn't want to knock because I knew the mother would not feel comfortable accepting such a gift face to face and wanted to give her time to consider it (it came from a place of genuine care as she suffers immune problems and has issues with swollen feet and catches buses with bags of groceries - it wasn't as if I was just giving a car as a gift of largess to patch things up or create a latent expectation - in fact I went so far as to include a signed disposal form for the vehicle in case she didn't feel comfortable contacting me ever again to transfer the registration).

 

Next day (today) her caring, gorgeous mother followed me to my front door (I had no idea but she was behind me as I came back from a workout), and nicely said my ex wasn't comfortable with her accepting the gift (gave me the car key back) and told me that my ex was still missing a dress.

 

It is clear her lovely mother was sent on express orders by my ex to refuse the car and ask specifically about ONE item of clothing. I mean really? Me and her mother had a good two hour chat about what happened. I really care about her as she was really my mother as well for the last ten years given my own estranged mother's condition and ill health & eventual passing of my grandmother.

 

I really don't know why my ex is steaming so much considering I have both given her space and been responsive to her requests throughout this, even to her 'civil' overtures - extracting money and her things off me. I love her but I feel she is really rubbing it in.

 

I hope she sees soon that my heart is in the right place, all I want is to wish her happiness but it seems all she wants to do is give me more grief, only concerned with material belongings and not at all about me. I don't want to relate it to me but it's like everything has flipped on it's head - before she didn't care much for material possessions and loved me to the end of the earth and now it's the other way around.

 

Anyway, I just want to hear her voice and have a conversation not about her stuff or new boyfriend. I didn't speak to her or see her this weekend although I probably could have if I called her up but she has been so cold-hearted I don't know how the conversation would have gone.

 

Hopefully one day she will have a change of heart. I just keep being positive about all this. I think deep down she knows how much I care about her, even if she is reinforcing to herself that she has fallen out of love with me I think we aren't incompatible and may be together again.

 

Dude. You need to get into therapy. Like yesterday. And if you are already in therapy you need to convey what you wrote to your therapist. You have zero boundaries regarding your ex. Without a doubt, you are one of the most manipulative people I've ever seen write on these boards. You can spin your tale any way you want, but the bottom line is that every action you are making is due to the fact you want a reaction out of your ex. Nothing more.

 

And I can guarantee your action of trying to give a vehicle to her family member just sealed your fate with your ex. Forever.

[Blanco]

Whoa, wait. I misread the post. You gave her a CAR?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Whoa, wait. I misread the post. You gave her a CAR?

 

 

 

Yeah, I think I must have skipped that part too! Just wow!

[Zoolander]

Yeah, I think I must have skipped that part too! Just wow!

 

Crazy! Her family told me that their relationship with me wouldnt be affected by her decision to end things and she couldn't just bring someone into their lives and then expect them to discard them just because she wants to. Obviously, I'm not as close with them as before but they do check up on me regarding my studies and just general life and vice versa. I couldnt for the life of me imagine buying them a car, they'd put a restraining order on me!

[HumanMachine]

I am genuinely feeling worried for ex and her family. This ultra ‘nice guy’ act can only last so long before it takes a sudden turn. I hope they get a restraining order against you Luke - you need serious help!!

Edited February 12, 2018 by HumanMachine

[Zoolander]

I am genuinely feeling worried for ex and her family. This ultra ‘nice guy’ act can only last so long before it takes a sudden turn. I hope they get a restraining order against you Luke - you need serious help!!

 

If my sister's ex was acting like this, as much as i may have liked him, i would have had words with him and told him firmly to respect her wishes and not ruin the image that we have of him.

Luke, you say that her family is still important to you and maybe they still think of you as a good guy and someone they wish their daughter was with. But by acting like this, they will end up thinking you're creepy. You dont want to burn your bridges with them but by acting like this, that's exactly what you're doing.

[ConfusedLuke]

Dude. You need to get into therapy. Like yesterday. And if you are already in therapy you need to convey what you wrote to your therapist. You have zero boundaries regarding your ex. Without a doubt, you are one of the most manipulative people I've ever seen write on these boards. You can spin your tale any way you want, but the bottom line is that every action you are making is due to the fact you want a reaction out of your ex. Nothing more.

 

And I can guarantee your action of trying to give a vehicle to her family member just sealed your fate with your ex. Forever.

 

It’s really hurtful to say I am manipulative the fact is I feel I have torn apart by this and like my name I am really confused about what to do. I’m not angry just frustrated, really sad and in despair. I have no family or friends so I sought advice on these boards and I have given her stuff back without seeing her. I will keep looking for last thing she asked for and if found put it in the mail.

 

It has been two months since the break up so I thought enough time had passed whereby she wouldn’t feel this was an immediate attempt to ‘win her back’. I do not need the car and it was my late grandmother’s. It has a lot of sentimental meaning to me and I can’t bear to sell it. Her mother had taken on the role of a mother in my life after my grandmother passed, if I can’t be around anymore I’m really sad but I have to accept. Her mother struggles to get to the shops (and her mother likes buying food in bulk and also buying plants and needing stram cleaners which need a car) and has health problems where her feet swell and it doesn’t help she works long hours at a hospital.

 

I included the disposal form so they wouldn’t feel an obligation to contact me further about the transfer. I can see how some on here think it’s too much but I thought it was a nice parting gift, if I put it with it a letter saying ‘I give you this car now you have to see me’ I could understand and that would be threatening and manipulative as that would be putting that expectation there but the fact was I was concerned that even giving it in person would be pressuring and her mother would feel uncomfortable which is why I dropped off a card.

 

I think I’m thoughtful and not malicious or manipulative . I can see if the ex has said ‘my family is not your family’ then she may not be happy but she also wanted to drive and doesn’t have a car and her family has been my family for nearly a decade as my family has gone to pieces. I hate that people on here are saying ‘restraining order, manipulation’ etc when the fact is I have been respectful of space and her boundaries. I haven’t been calling, texting or emailing her on even a weekly basis and have been polite in responding to her when she was comfortable contacting me. You can see the contacts I’ve had which have been very limited and I know she is seeing someone else.

 

I don’t know why this would seal my fate forever as other than not be more attentive I don’t know what else I could have done and I don’t know why she would be upset with me. And I did ask her if she was fine all time and I feel she ran dead in our relationship not telling me her true feelings for months leading into the break up when I was still devoted to her. I can’t be angry at her because she has given me the best years of my life and she has been the kindest person I have ever met.

[ConfusedLuke]

If my sister's ex was acting like this, as much as i may have liked him, i would have had words with him and told him firmly to respect her wishes and not ruin the image that we have of him.

Luke, you say that her family is still important to you and maybe they still think of you as a good guy and someone they wish their daughter was with. But by acting like this, they will end up thinking you're creepy. You dont want to burn your bridges with them but by acting like this, that's exactly what you're doing.

 

You are right and I’m sorry it just seemed like a nice thing to do in my head. Maybe my lack of sleep leading up to dropping the clothes off also effected my judgement on how her mother and her would take it (but I thought the card and disposal form would make it clear that I didn’t want them to be under any pressure to see me again or accept it straight away if I saw them in person).

 

I thought that the mother may have refused but I wanted to put it out there as it is something I could do for them to help out a bit. I could understand if it was creepy or overwhelming if we had only dated for a short while but we were practically married being with each other for so long that if this was going to be it (her not wanting to see me after the clothes) that I could at least do this for her mother who has been there for me throughout all these ordeals.

[HumanMachine]

Luke you pay no attention to the good advice you receive on here, you need professional help if you think what you did was ‘nice’.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Regardless of how Any of them thought or felt about the gesture, it placed an expectation on them to respond in some way (any way) to the gesture. That is probably what prompted the anger. It would have angered me if I ended on such bad terms that I felt I didn’t even want to meet someone I once was in love with to exchange articles, and they made me (once again) acknowledge them. Yeah, that would have pissed me off. You gave her NO choice and backed her in a corner.

 

Think about this... she is with someone else... it would probably be natural for the gift of a car from your ex to cause some type of friction. Or, or at the very least, a unnecessary conversation she probably didn’t want to have to have with her boyfriend. But, again, you gave her NO choice. You made that decision for her.

 

And, just in my opinion, that is a form of manipulation

[Blanco]

I could understand if it was creepy or overwhelming if we had only dated for a short while but we were practically married being with each other for so long that if this was going to be it (her not wanting to see me after the clothes) that I could at least do this for her mother who has been there for me throughout all these ordeals.

 

OK, but you were not married. And your ex has moved along to someone else. No gestures or kindness are needed from you. The only kind thing you could really do that your ex wants (you to leave her alone) is the one thing you don't seem willing to do.

 

If you want to use a marriage analogy, let's say you were married and then your ex filed for divorce and took up with another man. Would you respond by giving your soon-to-be-ex mother-in-law a car?! No way, man.

 

I'm sorry you don't have strong relationships with anyone outside of her family, but these people are effectively obligated to be Team Your Ex. Your best interests are no longer of their concern and vice-versa.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Funny thing is I also gave my ex’s family a car. Her father had done a lot of work on this car so when I was getting rid of it, I gave it to him (because he likes to tinker with such things). One major difference is it was five years after we split. I didn’t expect anything out of it. My ex was already remarried. Point is, I wanted him to have it, I didn’t want a response.

[ConfusedLuke]

OK, but you were not married. And your ex has moved along to someone else. No gestures or kindness are needed from you. The only kind thing you could really do that your ex wants (you to leave her alone) is the one thing you don't seem willing to do.

 

If you want to use a marriage analogy, let's say you were married and then your ex filed for divorce and took up with another man. Would you respond by giving your soon-to-be-ex mother-in-law a car?! No way, man.

 

I'm sorry you don't have strong relationships with anyone outside of her family, but these people are effectively obligated to be Team Your Ex. Your best interests are no longer of their concern and vice-versa.

 

I understand, I didn’t think about whether she would even talk about this with her new boyfriend as really it was to help her mother out and could’ve helped her as well (as she wanted to drive). I can see now it may have been inappropriate but she made it known that she didn’t want her mother to accept and understand that. I guess because I view things through this optimistic rosy lens that I still think we will be together again or at least remain on good terms. My motivation was that if this would be the last time I would be seeing her or her family (or at least in a long while) and her mother is struggling so much then why not?

 

I did understand it was a big gift hence the awkwardness in person (besides it’s clear the ex doesn’t really want to see me or her to see her mother). I was really not considering that she may take it the wrong way completely. Maybe that’s why I have difficulties making friends because I put my foot in it but it’s hurfyl to say this is all manipulation etc. I just want to leave things on good terms but I can understand now if she doesn’t feel it’s respectful given the comments others have left in this thread. I still hold out hope but it’s all up to her.

[ConfusedLuke]

Funny thing is I also gave my ex’s family a car. Her father had done a lot of work on this car so when I was getting rid of it, I gave it to him (because he likes to tinker with such things). One major difference is it was five years after we split. I didn’t expect anything out of it. My ex was already remarried. Point is, I wanted him to have it, I didn’t want a response.

 

I didn’t expect a response from this other than it could help out and it would leave things on good terms. I thought she and her mother would have appreciated it given the situation but it’s not as if I thought she would be coming over again to the place we shared etc. it was just to make peace and I thought it was a good deed.

 

The optimism is separate from the car as we did grow up together, we were first loves I didn’t think a car would magically repair feelings between us I just thought it would be a good note to end it on with her clothes in the back and her mother wouldn’t be in so much pain carrying things around everywhere

Edited February 12, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Well, you did what you did. You played your hand. Now, there is no other reason to reach out to her or her family. It’s done. She knows where you stand and you know where she stands. Now is the time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and start again. You can’t change what you have done, and you actually seem to be good with it. Now, there is no reason to do anything but walk away. No longer a reason to be confused.