No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[ConfusedLuke]

Well, you did what you did. You played your hand. Now, there is no other reason to reach out to her or her family. It’s done. She knows where you stand and you know where she stands. Now is the time to pull yourself up by your boot straps and start again. You can’t change what you have done, and you actually seem to be good with it. Now, there is no reason to do anything but walk away. No longer a reason to be confused.

 

Yes, that’s the last I could do. Now it’s up to her whether she will be in touch again. I wouldn’t say I’m at peace now but I’ve put it all on the table. I can’t hold my breath but I think her heart will soften in time. Everything has seemed so dramatic but then again I guess it is after that many years and now we aren’t together.

[Zoolander]

Yes, that’s the last I could do. Now it’s up to her whether she will be in touch again. I wouldn’t say I’m at peace now but I’ve put it all on the table. I can’t hold my breath but I think her heart will soften in time. Everything has seemed so dramatic but then again I guess it is after that many years and now we aren’t together.

 

After reading the entire thread, i finally have some comfort in that i think you finally now know how to move forward and let this go.

[NopeNah]

My advice...again..seek therapy. Go to Alanon..you are a 'codie'..No offense.. I have that too. These 'nice people' only want you to go away quietly. What you see as 'nice and considerate' they see as desperate and sad. Focus on yourself..F' whatever else she requested.. They should be 'dead' to you at this point and NO I don't care about "how much you all shared,ect.." Show's over...Next,my friend. Just stop before,like I said on page 2? You get slapped with a restraining order. C'mon,man

[ConfusedLuke]

Thanks for the support guys, don’t worry I’m not going to turn into Buffalo Bill. However to paraphrase Thom Yorke (on a song he himself loathes - presumably because it is so pathetic)

 

“She’s the best thing that I ever had. The best thing that I ever, ever had. She’s the best thing that I ever had. The best thing I have had has gone away...”

 

I don’t have an issue with drugs or drinking (so Alanon probably isn’t suited) but I will seek support. She meant the world to me and I shouldn’t have placed so much emphasis on her being there in my life.

[frigginlost]

It’s really hurtful to say I am manipulative the fact is I feel I have torn apart by this and like my name I am really confused about what to do. I’m not angry just frustrated, really sad and in despair. I have no family or friends so I sought advice on these boards and I have given her stuff back without seeing her. I will keep looking for last thing she asked for and if found put it in the mail.

 

Dude, just stop. You think you're the only one who ever went through a breakup with no support around? I went through a divorce after 20 years with just myself. Family was 2000 miles from me, and I had exactly one person to talk with (a co-worker). You sought the advice on these boards but spun it to fit your manipulative nature. Stop making excuses and own up to it. You have every right to be confused as it's part of the healing, but you need to really listen to what you are being told because an outsider has 3 times the view and focus that you have from the middle of the situation.

 

It has been two months since the break up so I thought enough time had passed whereby she wouldn’t feel this was an immediate attempt to ‘win her back’. I do not need the car and it was my late grandmother’s. It has a lot of sentimental meaning to me and I can’t bear to sell it. Her mother had taken on the role of a mother in my life after my grandmother passed, if I can’t be around anymore I’m really sad but I have to accept. Her mother struggles to get to the shops (and her mother likes buying food in bulk and also buying plants and needing stram cleaners which need a car) and has health problems where her feet swell and it doesn’t help she works long hours at a hospital.

 

Again, stop. You felt two months was long enough that you would now get the "how sweet" reaction you were looking for. Everything else (the reasoning you're putting behind it) is nothing more than spinning the excuse of doing so to fit your agenda.

 

I included the disposal form so they wouldn’t feel an obligation to contact me further about the transfer. I can see how some on here think it’s too much but I thought it was a nice parting gift, if I put it with it a letter saying ‘I give you this car now you have to see me’ I could understand and that would be threatening and manipulative as that would be putting that expectation there but the fact was I was concerned that even giving it in person would be pressuring and her mother would feel uncomfortable which is why I dropped off a card.

 

Bullsh*t. There is no such thing as a "parting gift" during a break up. It's manipulation and it was seen as such from the other party. If this was 2 or 3 years down the road, I would agree that it was a very friendly and nice gesture.

 

I think I’m thoughtful and not malicious or manipulative . I can see if the ex has said ‘my family is not your family’ then she may not be happy but she also wanted to drive and doesn’t have a car and her family has been my family for nearly a decade as my family has gone to pieces. I hate that people on here are saying ‘restraining order, manipulation’ etc when the fact is I have been respectful of space and her boundaries. I haven’t been calling, texting or emailing her on even a weekly basis and have been polite in responding to her when she was comfortable contacting me. You can see the contacts I’ve had which have been very limited and I know she is seeing someone else.

 

What planet are you on? Trying to give a family member a car two months after a breakup is not being respectful of boundaries and space. You were trying to manipulate them to receive a certain reaction. Again, own up to it.

 

I don’t know why this would seal my fate forever as other than not be more attentive I don’t know what else I could have done and I don’t know why she would be upset with me. And I did ask her if she was fine all time and I feel she ran dead in our relationship not telling me her true feelings for months leading into the break up when I was still devoted to her. I can’t be angry at her because she has given me the best years of my life and she has been the kindest person I have ever met.

 

That is called denial, and that is what restraining orders are planted in. You're not able to look at the situation logically. You're grasping at emotions and convincing yourself that you are the nice guy and she will see it eventually. Sorry dude, that only works when a person processes the breakup logically. You failed at that by not taking into account the boundaries of another person. You were going to nice guy your way back in to her life by doing something noble for her mother. That is called manipulation and the fact you cant see it is why you and her will never get back together.

 

Seriously, take all this that you have wrote with you to your therapist. He/she will give you the tools needed to move forward in your life. A therapist helped me immensely during my divorce...

Edited February 13, 2018 by frigginlost

[CantTakeMySmile]

Seriously, take all this that you have wrote with you to your therapist. He/she will give you the tools needed to move forward in your life. A therapist helped me immensely during my divorce...

 

 

 

^^^^This right here. Print out all the pages of text you have written and pay a therapist to sit down and read it. That would provide them with an immense amount of insight to your thought processes, and will help them help you.

 

 

The most alarming thing about this is that you really don't see it as doing anything wrong. You even manipulate your own thoughts to how you want to feel. A great example is the idea that you think you will get back together.

 

 

You really do need help. I hope you find it.

[NopeNah]

The reason I mentioned Alanon is that it's a support group for codependent people in general. Not just those dealing with an addict spouse. As you can feel and we can see, you're addicted to this women.

[ConfusedLuke]

Dude, just stop. You think you're the only one who ever went through a breakup with no support around? I went through a divorce after 20 years with just myself. Family was 2000 miles from me, and I had exactly one person to talk with (a co-worker). You sought the advice on these boards but spun it to fit your manipulative nature. Stop making excuses and own up to it. You have every right to be confused as it's part of the healing, but you need to really listen to what you are being told because an outsider has 3 times the view and focus that you have from the middle of the situation.

 

Again, stop. You felt two months was long enough that you would now get the "how sweet" reaction you were looking for. Everything else (the reasoning you're putting behind it) is nothing more than spinning the excuse of doing so to fit your agenda.

 

Bullsh*t. There is no such thing as a "parting gift" during a break up. It's manipulation and it was seen as such from the other party. If this was 2 or 3 years down the road, I would agree that it was a very friendly and nice gesture.

 

What planet are you on? Trying to give a family member a car two months after a breakup is not being respectful of boundaries and space. You were trying to manipulate them to receive a certain reaction. Again, own up to it.

 

That is called denial, and that is what restraining orders are planted in. You're not able to look at the situation logically. You're grasping at emotions and convincing yourself that you are the nice guy and she will see it eventually. Sorry dude, that only works when a person processes the breakup logically. You failed at that by not taking into account the boundaries of another person. You were going to nice guy your way back in to her life by doing something noble for her mother. That is called manipulation and the fact you cant see it is why you and her will never get back together.

 

Seriously, take all this that you have wrote with you to your therapist. He/she will give you the tools needed to move forward in your life. A therapist helped me immensely during my divorce...

 

I can admit I’m dealing with a lot of grief right now and personal loss. I do feel like a dog without a bone in some respects. The only reason I am offended right now is that I didn’t do anything with an agenda to ‘nice guy my way back into her life’. I don’t want to in any way compare my experience to yours as the circumstances and people involved are different but I can get that you felt isolated as well through it. The mentions of restraining orders would be warranted if I was not cognizent of her space and just flooding my emotions onto her like I’m flooding these boards with anxious posts on how to respond to curt emails requesting items and money.

 

A person guided purely by pangs of ‘unrequited love’ and torn up emotions to be ignorant of the other person in the break up would not IMO go to lengths I’ve gone to seek advice onto how both respect her space and convey my feelings towards her. If you look at the contact I have made then it’s seeing her once for a couple of hours at Christmas, emailing her twice (two paragraphs all up - wishing her a happy birthday and a very short response that I will drop off her things on the weekend) and sending her no text messages or calls for the last six weeks. I did contact her sister after a few weeks of her not organising the pick up of her belongings but other than that I have been in no contact so I don’t understand how she could in anyway feel threatened.

 

I didn’t just drop the car off to her mother unnannouced (because I can see the ambiguity - why the hell is this car here - could be overwhelming but I outlined my motivation behind it in the card I dropped off that I just wanted to help her (the mother) as I may not see her and wanted to give something back out of the bottom of my heart). This was not with any ulterior motive in mind.

 

I’m not in denial I understand she has broken up with me, I don’t understand why I should be denied any hope for the future. People get back together. Maybe some users on here believe the circumstances of the break up meant that there is too many issues between us to overcome it but why can’t I have a little faith? What harm does that do if I’m not in contact with the other party?

 

I understand you may view the car which was given to her mother as an extension of giving a gift to her but to me it was trying to do one last thing for her mother because my ex as one other poster mentioned would most likely pressure her mother into not seeing me. It wasn’t designed to create a reason for either her or her mother to further contact me (which is why I thought the disposal form included meant they wouldn’t even have to contact me to transfer registration).

 

I really thought I would get some words of positivity not that I want everyone to spin sugar at me but I am going through a rough trot and even though I don’t want to play the victim card I find the words used to describe me and my actions, particularly manipulative and in need of a restraining order, really mean when I have been confused about how to process this all but I’ve never felt anger or sought to undercut the weight of her decision to make the break.

Edited February 13, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

I’m not in denial I understand she has broken up with me, I don’t understand why I should be denied any hope for the future. People get back together. Maybe some users on here believe the circumstances of the break up meant that there is too many issues between us to overcome it but why can’t I have a little faith? What harm does that do if I’m not in contact with the other party?

 

 

Because it hinders your growth.

[springy]

Now that you've gotten the rest of her belongings to her (except the dress, which you may not even have) I recommend complete and total NC. While your heart may be in the right place regarding the car situation, it's really bad timing to give such extravagant gifts, but I think you understand that now.

 

I think with a ton of distance, time and some personal counseling you will be alright. There is plenty of good living to be had even after we have been dumped.

[ConfusedLuke]

I’m not in denial I understand she has broken up with me, I don’t understand why I should be denied any hope for the future. People get back together. Maybe some users on here believe the circumstances of the break up meant that there is too many issues between us to overcome it but why can’t I have a little faith? What harm does that do if I’m not in contact with the other party?

 

 

Because it hinders your growth.

 

I get you and really do feel pretty much every poster is coming from a place of support (what words would they feel they would be needed to be told?) I think time will heal a lot of these wounds.

 

No doubt healing will me more difficult if I still have residual hope that we may be together again but I don’t find them mutually exclusive. If I do find someone new I will have to give up that hope and that may not be easy but by then it may have dwindled to such an extent.

 

But finding someone new is the last thing on my mind right now (everyone’s experiences are different but for me I think it’s the most healthiest way to go about things if I take this time to grieve).

 

I will always love her despite having come to terms that she is not with me, and may never be.

[frigginlost]

I can admit I’m dealing with a lot of grief right now and personal loss. I do feel like a dog without a bone in some respects. The only reason I am offended right now is that I didn’t do anything with an agenda to ‘nice guy my way back into her life’. I don’t want to in any way compare my experience to yours as the circumstances and people involved are different but I can get that you felt isolated as well through it. The mentions of restraining orders would be warranted if I was not cognizent of her space and just flooding my emotions onto her like I’m flooding these boards with anxious posts on how to respond to curt emails requesting items and money.

 

I never said you deserved a restraining order. Do not put words in my mouth. I said denial is where restraining orders are planted.

 

You still do not grasp in any way shape or form how your action of trying to give a car (for whatever reason you have in your head) is extremely alarming. What part of your actions are flooding your emotions at her do you not understand? It is extremely apparent that you are "closed off" to any sort of advise that does not line up with the path you have in your mind. I'm not going to fault you for it, but I am going to say -- as has been said by many -- to get yourself some help.

 

A person guided purely by pangs of ‘unrequited love’ and torn up emotions to be ignorant of the other person in the break up would not IMO go to lengths I’ve gone to seek advice onto how both respect her space and convey my feelings towards her. If you look at the contact I have made then it’s seeing her once for a couple of hours at Christmas, emailing her twice (two paragraphs all up - wishing her a happy birthday and a very short response that I will drop off her things on the weekend) and sending her no text messages or calls for the last six weeks. I did contact her sister after a few weeks of her not organising the pick up of her belongings but other than that I have been in no contact so I don’t understand how she could in anyway feel threatened.

 

It's not threatened she feels, I would venture a guess she feels as if you do not "get it". Her reaction to you giving a vehicle to her mother screams just how uncomfortable you made things for her. That is not respecting boundaries not matter how you want to spin it.

 

I didn’t just drop the car off to her mother unnannouced (because I can see the ambiguity - why the hell is this car here - could be overwhelming but I outlined my motivation behind it in the card I dropped off that I just wanted to help her (the mother) as I may not see her and wanted to give something back out of the bottom of my heart). This was not with any ulterior motive in mind.

 

I'm done with the car talk. You won't see it as any other way than how you built up your actions in your head regarding it. The important thing here is that she reacted normally to you invading her space the way you did. She had every right to do so.

 

I’m not in denial I understand she has broken up with me, I don’t understand why I should be denied any hope for the future. People get back together. Maybe some users on here believe the circumstances of the break up meant that there is too many issues between us to overcome it but why can’t I have a little faith? What harm does that do if I’m not in contact with the other party?

 

Hope is a normal feeling. We all felt it. The problem with how you are processing it, is that your actions are alarming regarding that hope. If you could see things logically and not emotionally right now, it would be more clear to you. Others here have tried to shine the light for you, but you keep blocking it by trying to manipulate its beam.

 

I understand you may view the car which was given to her mother as an extension of giving a gift to her but to me it was trying to do one last thing for her mother because my ex as one other poster mentioned would most likely pressure her mother into not seeing me. It wasn’t designed to create a reason for either her or her mother to further contact me (which is why I thought the disposal form included meant they wouldn’t even have to contact me to transfer registration).

 

Again, your failure to realize the inappropriate emotional place you put your ex and her mother in, and your excuses for doing so, show that your not capable of understanding their boundaries.

 

I really thought I would get some words of positivity not that I want everyone to spin sugar at me but I am going through a rough trot and even though I don’t want to play the victim card I find the words used to describe me and my actions, particularly manipulative and in need of a restraining order, really mean when I have been confused about how to process this all but I’ve never felt anger or sought to undercut the weight of her decision to make the break.

 

Nobody is forcing your to read anything. You came to a board with many, many, many, people that have been in your shoes. From the word "go" you have dismissed most of what has been told to you. That is on you, not them. The positive words you seek will be there once you understand that it is you wearing the blinders, and not the folks on these boards...

 

Again, make sure you get some therapy. It really helps.

[ConfusedLuke]

Now that you've gotten the rest of her belongings to her (except the dress, which you may not even have) I recommend complete and total NC. While your heart may be in the right place regarding the car situation, it's really bad timing to give such extravagant gifts, but I think you understand that now.

 

I think with a ton of distance, time and some personal counseling you will be alright. There is plenty of good living to be had even after we have been dumped.

 

Thank you for the support, I understand it really is up to her if she wants to be in touch and I feel now she knows my position (that after the break up I still miss her and would like to meet up with her in the future if she is ever comfortable)

 

I will get through this, I understand the inappropriateness, bad timing (and to some downright creepiness) of the car now and I don’t want to discount the stupidity of what I thought would help out her mother a great deal I have been lacking sleep and to me it did seem as well to achieve the goal of dropping off her things (without just leaving them by her mother’s door or having to have a long winded conversation about feelings and the break up - a chat that kind of eventuates anyway when her mother came back to drop off the key).

[ConfusedLuke]

I never said you deserved a restraining order. Do not put words in my mouth. I said denial is where restraining orders are planted.

 

It's not threatened she feels, I would venture a guess she feels as if you do not "get it". Her reaction to you giving a vehicle to her mother screams just how uncomfortable you made things for her. That is not respecting boundaries not matter how you want to spin it.

 

Hope is a normal feeling. We all felt it. The problem with how you are processing it, is that your actions are alarming regarding that hope. If you could see things logically and not emotionally right now, it would be more clear to you. Others here have tried to shine the light for you, but you keep blocking it by trying to manipulate its beam.

 

Nobody is forcing your to read anything. You came to a board with many, many, many, people that have been in your shoes. From the word "go" you have dismissed most of what has been told to you. That is on you, not them. The positive words you seek will be there once you understand that it is you wearing the blinders, and not the folks on these boards...

 

Again, make sure you get some therapy. It really helps.

 

I really do appreciate the responses from the people on this board and maybe I wouldn’t have had the restraint or ability to be circumspect without others giving me feedback (at one stage I was going to send a lengthy email a couple of weeks ago - professing hopes for a great friendship which did not get sent). I have not ignored the advice on these boards.

 

I didn’t mean to put words in your mouth I just need support I guess and it feels all these shouts of things like the violence orders and manipulation come across as inappropriate to me. I get people in these crappy situations who don’t process properly may put the ex at risk of harm or harassed but even though I have been in a whirlwind of emotions (I can admit that) I still have been able to maintain some sense.

 

I understand if some felt the car to her mother was crossing the line and looking back I do think it was ill conceived but I really did want to give something back to her (which could really help with the pressure she is under) for the support she provided helping out my mentally ill mother and being there after my grandmother passed. The timing was horrible and given the ex wanting to cut ties I can see how ill considered it was (for even if I did put the disposal form in with it maybe she would think I would think there was latent expectation for something in return when there was none).

[Zoolander]

I gave my ex's parents a small present for christmas because they said their relationship with me was independent of their daughter's and me. I and the other posters can understand if you gave a small gift but a car is very different. Perhaps to you, it wasn't such a big deal.

 

At the same time, you have to understand that to some people it does come across as manipulative and reeks of you having an ulterior motive wanting to show the ex that you're a nice guy and what she's missing out on. This might not be the case but to some of us and most likely your ex, that is what she'll think. Her reaction wasn't: "oh what a nice guy, i made such a mistake". Instead she probably thought it was pathetic and reinforced her decision to break up with you. Maybe that is unfair on her part, but she already had a negative mindset towards you else she wouldn't have broken up with you and this only made it worse.

 

We've all been in your shoes. Everyone here has either broken up with someone or been dumped by someone. I tried getting my ex back, I didn't go to the same lengths as you but in the past few months I've realised if someone wants to be with you, they will say so. No gifts, manipulation, nice guy personas are needed.

 

Do the right thing and go into NC. If you truly love her, you will let her go. Continue with the mindset that she isn't coming back. It is not easy,we all understand that. But we've all done it and are better as a result. Yesterday i found out through FB that my ex is with someone else. Did it bother me? Yes it did but not as much as it would have a few months ago.

 

If you want to hold on to hope for the future, i don't advise it but do so. But the only way there's even the slightest chance of you getting her back now is NC. Focus on making you better. Don't stalk her, don't message her. If you want to stay in contact with her mother then only message her every now and then. Hopefully with time youll be in a stronger place and realise you don't actually need this woman.

 

Also, seriously consider some therapy. It will help you put things into perspective.

[ConfusedLuke]

I gave my ex's parents a small present for christmas because they said their relationship with me was independent of their daughter's and me. I and the other posters can understand if you gave a small gift but a car is very different. Perhaps to you, it wasn't such a big deal.

 

At the same time, you have to understand that to some people it does come across as manipulative and reeks of you having an ulterior motive wanting to show the ex that you're a nice guy and what she's missing out on. This might not be the case but to some of us and most likely your ex, that is what she'll think. Her reaction wasn't: "oh what a nice guy, i made such a mistake". Instead she probably thought it was pathetic and reinforced her decision to break up with you. Maybe that is unfair on her part, but she already had a negative mindset towards you else she wouldn't have broken up with you and this only made it worse.

 

We've all been in your shoes. Everyone here has either broken up with someone or been dumped by someone. I tried getting my ex back, I didn't go to the same lengths as you but in the past few months I've realised if someone wants to be with you, they will say so. No gifts, manipulation, nice guy personas are needed.

 

Do the right thing and go into NC. If you truly love her, you will let her go. Continue with the mindset that she isn't coming back. It is not easy,we all understand that. But we've all done it and are better as a result. Yesterday i found out through FB that my ex is with someone else. Did it bother me? Yes it did but not as much as it would have a few months ago.

 

If you want to hold on to hope for the future, i don't advise it but do so. But the only way there's even the slightest chance of you getting her back now is NC. Focus on making you better. Don't stalk her, don't message her. If you want to stay in contact with her mother then only message her every now and then. Hopefully with time youll be in a stronger place and realise you don't actually need this woman.

 

Also, seriously consider some therapy. It will help you put things into perspective.

 

Thank you, even though it was an fairly old model Toyota I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. But I don’t know I guess coming from a somewhat analytical background (accountancy and some law) I didn’t view it as creating any further obligation but I understand how others are saying even if I thought it would be immensely helpful and the signed disposal form indicated that there was no pressure to see me or have any further to do with me that it still lends itself to an interpretation of trying to foist a ‘nice guy persona’. But I wasn’t trying to be impressionistic - it came from a place of care, I can’t lie that it was completely selfless because I would’ve also had peace of mind that a vehicle that helped my grandmother so much could now help her. The warm fuzzies and all that.

 

I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Sad time to make a joke because I can’t pretend I’m not cut up about everything but I have to be strong - not just because I need to be that for her or anyone else that comes into my life but for myself.

[Zoolander]

I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Sad time to make a joke because I can’t pretend I’m not cut up about everything but I have to be strong - not just because I need to be that for her or anyone else that comes into my life but for myself.

 

Yes. You are the most important person in your life. Remember that. It may not seem like it now but in a few months/years/however long it takes, how you overcome this is likely to shape what kind of man you become and life you lead.

[niji]

Yep; if my ex attempted to give my family members a CAR, I would be screaming psycho so loud you can hear it form Mars. I've given away a gift that costs $200 (and more importantly, had a lot of meaning to me) to a crush I would never see again (opposite side of the world), and til this day I regret that decision. It made me look more pathetic than I've ever been in my entire life, and frankly once you've moved on, you look back and think you were an idiot. No matter how much we think we're being selfless, we're not. We do it, to feel better about ourselves, to hold on to hope that the other person will miss us when they see our gifts. We ourselves may not even realize this. It's ok, people are allowed to be less than intelligent in your situation when emotions take over logic, that's what we're here for, to help you get back to the you before - someone who seems like a smart, confident, capable guy.

 

You see, the mentality of your ex and you are polar opposite. She wants to get away from the relationship and wants nothing to do with you (at least for now, we can never guarantee how she feels later, but for now she's with the other dude and you're the last person she ever wants to see), whereas you want everything to do with her. It's inevitable you cannot fathom how she feels, just as she cannot fathom your feelings. You guys' feelings couldn't be any more different at the moment. In each of your post, you always say "I can't help but think she's missing me". Dude, if she misses you, wth is she doing being with a different dude? That's not how someone acts when they miss you. When they miss you, and you're clearly still holding out hope of reconciling, they would be running back. There's no point of interpreting people's actions differently from the way they act. If she wanted to be with you, she would already have been. Anything else is grasping at straws.

 

Yes, she may come back. Very few things in life are impossible. But here we have to talk risk vs benefit again. You continuing to hold on to hope may cost you an entire lifetime of happiness, and the chance that she's not coming back is high. You moving on does not PREVENT her from coming back (rather it makes you look a lot stronger and more attractive in her eyes), but it would also set you up for finding the person who will truly love you. I agree that at this time, you should not be looking for another replacement. Just take the time to heal. 1 year, 2 years, as long as you need. But you've got to START.

 

Summary: What do you gain from pining for her and holding out hope? Nothing.

What do you gain from moving on? Peace, the ability to find joy again by yourself, next relationship, and even the possibility of her coming back. But in order for her to even consider that she's missing out, you have to completely let go.

Edited February 14, 2018 by niji

[NopeNah]

I'd find a deserving family(one with small children) that could really benefit from the car. It'd make your grandmother proud that her car went on to help a family.

[frigginlost]

Thank you, even though it was an fairly old model Toyota I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. But I don’t know I guess coming from a somewhat analytical background (accountancy and some law) I didn’t view it as creating any further obligation but I understand how others are saying even if I thought it would be immensely helpful and the signed disposal form indicated that there was no pressure to see me or have any further to do with me that it still lends itself to an interpretation of trying to foist a ‘nice guy persona’. But I wasn’t trying to be impressionistic - it came from a place of care, I can’t lie that it was completely selfless because I would’ve also had peace of mind that a vehicle that helped my grandmother so much could now help her. The warm fuzzies and all that.

 

I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right? Sad time to make a joke because I can’t pretend I’m not cut up about everything but I have to be strong - not just because I need to be that for her or anyone else that comes into my life but for myself.

 

There ya go! There's that glimmer of fight we all want to see in you. Yup, good intentions during a breakup usually do pave a well to hell. One way you can think of it, is that anything that you feel you should do emotionally, do the opposite. Break up's are hard. They hurt and they hurt bad. When you invest sooo much of yourself in someone, your brain keeps telling you to do so after the breakup. It is that feeling that usually kills all chances for any future hope with someone because you try ever so hard to hold on to what is about to be lost. It's normal. We all felt it.

 

You're starting to see a little bit clearer. Well done!

[ConfusedLuke]

So I moved the car yesterday so it wouldn't be in their street anymore (I had work but I am also still coming to terms with a lot of this).

 

I understand why she feels attracted to him, he seems good hearted and promotes the rights of minorities (women's rights in his country, same-sex marriage) which I also can appreciate (but I was never actively campaigning - or publicly sharing on Facebook posts about it). He is also a minority being a Spanish speaker from a Central American county so she feels she can bond over that (she is part of an Eastern European diaspora/heritage). But I still feel that our connection we built over years has been far greater than being compatible on paper, or coming from diverse backgrounds. I don't feel jealous of him (apart for her being with him which of course I am hurt over).

 

My ex and I had discussions about globalists/globalisation - I didn't think there were any perfect answers (as there are many downfalls related to globalisation including the destruction of cultures, environments, accelerated exploitation of labour...) but I recall she mentioned when she came back after the break up talk (this was out of nowhere) that she was a 'globalist' - I told her I believed in the merits of globalisation too (mobility of skills and peoples across the world, reduced barriers to travel and experience different cultures, economies of scale providing cheaper goods) but by that stage it seemed that she viewed me as this enemy to her (which I never was).

 

Her family fled the wars in Eastern Europe when she was two so she has been able to migrate because of reduced barriers of travel and migration. I told her I loved all of her, including her background, and in many ways I'm a 'globalist' too but it didn't seem she believed it. We joked about her getting married to me because she wanted citizenship (even though she has been living here for so long she has never formally applied for citizenship). I thought that was a joke but she must have half-believed that I really thought that was the main reason for marrying me which is beyond sad.

 

She then told me she was a 'sapiosexual' (attracted to people's minds) and since she broke up with me I gather that meant she stopped being intrigued by my mind. I think she is very independent and strong-willed but I also think her friends had a strong bearing on it finally breaking (considering the timing of the break up was straight after went away with the girls for a week - I'm sure she had been dwelling on it for months but this might have been the final solidify for her). From the girls who went away with her I only knew and met her best friend who has studied psychology but it seems the others might have studied psychology, sociology or feminist studies as well.

 

Again I never disliked her best friend but was wary about her because I could see she had been in a lot of unstable relationships, and it seemed at times she was undercutting our relationship (when she broke up with her long-term she told my ex that it was just lust/infatuation by the end and she told her that seems similar to you guys - I can see now that for her to be saying that my ex must have been coming to her with the problems and this wasn't an active attempt to sabotage our relationship - even if I did have suspicions she was trying to set my ex up with one of her other friends).

 

I don't hold frustration towards the best friend after all this (because at the end of the day even if she was a powerful voice in my exes life it was still my ex's decision to break it) and maybe we could be on better terms one day too (I didn't know we were on bad terms but apparently we were since my ex said 'don't try and fix things with my friends').

 

In recent months I had started to try and divide up chores to do, and I would ask her to help with the ironing (because I am horrible at it) I now see how much this screams 'patriarchy' but the reality is I have been raised by strong women (my grandmother and mother before the nervous breakdown) and I don't believe in the patriarchy. I told her I wanted to provide for her because I was the one working and that I wanted her to follow her dreams perhaps become an author but I can see how she possibly viewed that through this patriarchal lens of me wanting to be the traditional 'masculine' breadwinner.

 

I now understand her saying 'Why don't you join the Masons?' at Christmas could be taken as another nail in my heart (for they are renowned to be a bit of a 'old boys club' and have the musty odour of patriarchy - even though some of the groups do good things for the community, my grandfather was a mason and we both went along to an open day in the last year). It didn't dwell on me until the other day when I was reflecting on all this.

 

I always wanted to provide for her and support her because I loved her, not because I wanted to pursue some patriarchal agenda. The tradition I valued was that of my grandmother and grandfather being together for well over fifty years - I could see the love and devotion build over time and wanted to build that with her. I wanted to have kids because I believed she would be a great mother and that they would be the product of our love, not to conform to some social standard.

 

But she never communicated her dissatisfaction to me directly, only after the breakup do I look back and see how she has viewed every bit of me trying to be the best I can be and provide for her and envision a future for us as self-absorbed 'manipulation' and 'control'.

 

I remember another conversation we had in the months leading up to the breakup, we weren't being all that intimate a lot of the time and she was telling me her hormones were crazy and she had to pleasure herself each day. I took that as a sleight considering the tone she said it and I did feel deficient as I was being worn thin, stressed out and having sex was often the last thing on my mind (we were still having it but not every day/couple of days - every week to fortnight). I can see now if that was extremely important to her I should have dealt with it but I am a person that unless you tell me outright 'I need this or I'm leaving' then I just thought she was being spiteful, teasing and cruel. I told her I would prefer it if she didn't mention it because I did feel it was a bit of a slap in the face when I wasn't getting it up (so to speak).

 

This was a clear sign we needed counselling and I regret not organising it at the time but I still thought she was solid with me.

 

I remember we also went back to a place we shared when we started going out and she told me I would be so self-conscious I would need to have a bottle of wine with her before sex and she felt pressured to drink with me. I asked her if she wanted it and did pour glasses for us to share she could have always said no to the wine and I thought I was being romantic. I can see now though if it's my place that there was 'latent pressure' for her to accept the wine. I admit to being self-conscious but it seems before the breakup she started viewing everything we shared through a dark lens of 'manipulation' when there was no pressure and if she ever wanted she could have gone and left

 

I don't want to resort to melodramatic reductive analogies but I had an emotional 'well' for her that ran miles deep for her but all she saw was a puddle on the ground (as I would constantly talk about the legal battles and my mother and not about her hopes and dreams for the future). I also feel like the old car, the dirty rag that's been thrown away etc.

 

It's hard because not only the way she left (by being intimate with another a week after being with me after a near decade) but also the timing of it (when other aspects of my life were falling apart I felt she left me high and dry to cope with all this pressure alone - my mother finally going bankrupt, childhood home getting sold).

 

I know she won't think that she monkey branched, or emotionally cheated, as she did tell me when we broke up there wasn't anyone else and maybe she feels she was suppressing her feelings throughout this but the fact was the guy (even if he is laid back, meek, humble, respectful) was coming onto her - sending romantic song lyrics to translate, calling her things like 'bad girl' for not following Spanish rules and taking her grinding-dancing are not things one generally does as a 'friend'.

 

I still love her throughout all this but I know I have to keep space and relegate these feelings into a diary or journal and not communicate them to her (as that will only push her away and could also be considered creepy - for even though I am not professing undying love to her in overwhelming prose, the fact is she is with another dude and she would feel uncomfortable, it's exceedingly inappropriate).

 

I believe time will resolve all anger on her end and I do hope to reconnect on better terms in the (possibly many) months ahead, it will be up to her and maybe we will never be able to be friends but we spent so much of our growing up together for us not to remain in touch in some capacity.

 

I care about her deeply and only want to see her succeed and be happy in whatever she choses to do in life. Right now the path she has taken is not with me but who knows what the future holds. I have told her I would always be here for her so she knows that, right now I know though she doesn't want me around so it's tough. I have just been focussing on trying to smile and progress myself to be the 'best me I can be' (as sickly sweet as that sounds).

Edited February 17, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Dude there are like 6 billion people on this planet. Stop overthinking trying to psychoanalyze her and find someone new. Also, you don't have to like the new guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Luke, you really need to stop doing this to yourself.

 

This is not about your views on globalization or the patriarchy or her fleeing Eastern Europe as a child or her best friend's unstable relationship history or you offering her wine in your early years of dating.

 

You're reaching really far here and it's not helping you sort out what to do with yourself now that the relationship is over.

[Blanco]

You're in denial right now, which is understandable. But do not dwell there too long. You keep mentioning "down the road." Yeah, I guess a lot of things are possible, but hanging on to these long-shot possibilities for too long will hamper your life. You need to grieve this relationship and start thinking of things in more realistic terms (i.e. she will not come back).

 

You will not be able to be "friends" with her anytime soon, if ever, so toss out these notions of you being in a place mentally to do so "in a few months." I'd guess it'll be years on the short end before you can be friends with her.

[NopeNah]

Well...now that you've gotten to the 'bottom of it all', I'll assume you're now going to get on with your life in a healthy manner.