No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[ConfusedLuke]

I was in a relationship with my ex -gf for eight years. We lived together for seven and a half, bought a house together and had three dogs. Worked together, had bank accounts together, loans together, etc. We were IN it.

 

 

My dad had a terminal illness for much of our relationship. I was spread very thin with my responsibilities with my family. She was having issues with her family as well. We both were moving up at the company and we were both running thin. I say all of this, not as any excuse, only to say that this is life. Life is, and always will be, full of obstacles.

 

 

She was the one who believed in all the fairy tale endings. I didn't (then). Anyway, she broke up with me. No infidelity, no third person at all. We broke up because of life, I guess. She did not fall out of love with me. I know this because she told me all the time. We dragged out the breakup for way too long. I needed answers and she needed to be near me, so we were weak.

 

 

She was always very kind and accommodating to my questioning. (too accommodating, in fact, as it took us the good part of a year to break apart) Neither of us wanted to let go, but she knew we couldn't be in limbo. That is when she would send me messages like the one you received about receiving her things back and money, etc. By no means were they mean, but they were functional. She need something so she asked. That was it. And it hurt. It did. But, it put the end to the cycle. (Thank God).

 

 

I guess what I am trying to say is.... yes, she can still love you, and care about you. Of course she does. But, she wants a break from you. She is taking it upon herself to break the cycle. Good for her. She doesn't want to hurt you but she has to put her feelings before yours.

 

 

And you have to accept this, you don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. OP, you have to move on. She is showing you no signs that she wants anything from you. Just because you love her to the ends of the earth, does not mean it will happen. You can't LOVE yourself into someone else's life.

 

We had never broken up before so this wasn't a cycle, but I do admit we were overly dependent on each other and perhaps that's one of the reasons she felt the need to detach but you can detach from being lost in someone and still have healthy boundaries in the relationship. You don't have to go scorched earth and end it like a silent assassin.

 

I really feel reading your story it sounds tragic, even more tragic than mine because it sounds you were both in great pain at the prospect of moving on without each other. Maybe my ex was in great pain but she still had me around and formed other options not to be alone once the relationship was over.

 

I know she doesn't want anything from me anymore and that's why I feel so used because I wanted to provide everything for her and could have given her what she wanted - that mental and emotional stimulation and dedication - I would have put aside all to be with her. Work, legal cases, my mother. But she didn't feel comfortable coming to me and that's the thing that eats. She told me she didn't even consider what life would be like once all this crap had subsided ('Imagine if you said this when we were still together' - but she never asked! and I took it as a given she knew. Her feelings are gone now for sure but it wasn't because we grew apart. Those feelings can return. I told her some of this during the BU but I was mostly stunned, blabbering and breaking down and she was in no real state to accept the legitimacy and maybe would have seen it as a ploy to stick together).

 

She didn't tell me she was falling out of love with me, in fact she told me 'I feel I love you than you love me', during the fertility diagnosis and later now this is a sign huge cracks in a relationship but I reassured her and told her I loved her and I was sorry expressing myself at times but I was stressed and she accepted that. We cried in each others arms for hours. I also told her I was confused about the future with kids so maybe that didn't provide her the security and then she started to drift but I never threatened to leave or left.

 

I would have never let her down and now she has let me down after leading me up the garden path (hinting put a ring on it and marriage) I feel listless and aimless as all the future I saw was by her side.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

Also, why would you wait to respond to her email? That is game playing and rude. It isn't needy to respond to a request. It is rude not to. She wasn't being rude in her email. She probably just didn't want to open the door to a novel by asking how you were. That would lead right down a rabbit hole.

 

 

Since you are not ready to see her, is there another way to get her things to her? Have someone take it to her? Mail? Drop off at her house?

 

I will wait because I feel 'Kind Regards' like 'hope you had a good night also' is this ****ty holier-than-thou attitude when she knows how crap I felt seeing her out on a date with the guy and she knows I was her lover for nearly a decade not a boss she has to hand a submission to or a client she has to organise a meeting with.

 

Bloody 'Kind Regards'!

 

I also need to gather myself to respond, I want to express myself yet at the same time want to engender some want from her to see me again and both those things seem mutually exclusive. If I express myself to her it will probably make her feel bad or more likely further repulsed by me on the other hand if I am overly courteous as well it is fake and why should I be functional about this considering what's happened? To be the 'better man' (s/o to Eddie Vedder)? For hollow 'respect'?

 

Someone who views me as a manipulative basketcase is not going to suddenly respect me for organising a time to get what she regards she is entitled to. No, once you break someone's heart in such a fashion you should consider your belongings you leave as ditched. Unless they are some precious ring from your great grandmother heirloom or lots and lots of money and valuables screw it. She ain't entitled to crap.

 

I still love her and don't want to burn the bridges so all of this is confusing but I know she has already made the decision to torch them, if I accept that then I'm thinking I will do what the poster with the Bill Murray display said to do. Just screw it.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

Outstanding point.

 

He even mentions in his post that one of her issues with him was his manipulation tactics. And here it is bright as day that he is trying to manipulate her again. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, she will focus entirely on the fact that he is manipulating and game playing by not simply giving her stuff back.

 

OP, we all know what you're going through, but every single step you are taking is obliterating any respect she has left for you piece by piece.

 

We know you miss her, we know it hurts, but she has moved on and you are giving her more reasons to be very sure of her decision with your actions. It does not feel that way to you because you are so very deeply invested emotionally, but you are doing nothing but throwing dirt on the grave by continuing to manipulate in her eyes.

 

It hurts, and it sucks, but you have got to move on as well.

 

It's pretty crappy manipulation tactics to wait to respond because as you say above it will just make her more hostile and re-cement her animosity the longer I don't bother to respond. It is manipulation to hold onto crap knowing she wants it but you need to have a purpose. I have not responded but if I did say something like 'Sure come over anytime but only if you agree to see me once a month' is manipulation, is leveraging and would be 'friggin' pointless considering once she has her things there is no reason whatsoever to see me once a month, once a year or ever again.

 

Simply not responding may only be manipulation insofar it's likely to produce a frustrated response in her but considering the way she made me feel by offering friendship then when seeing her at Christmas 'sometimes exes can never be friends' what effect does she think it has on my feelings?

 

"I would like you to give back all those years spent with me and my heart when you come collect the stuff

 

Kind Regards".

 

Also does anyone think the sisters best friend only called me last week after I texted and was nice to me because my ex talked to her and told her to be nice because she still needed to get things from my place?

 

Do you think the exes sister's bf even though she has been darling throughout this only agreed to catch up sometime in the next couple of weeks to keep on good terms and now my ex has her things back will the ex's sister's best friend even bother to catch up with me? It seems like she really cared, and she is a really caring person and again the closest thing to a mutual friend we have

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

This is a bit off topic. But, what do you do with your time? Is this all consuming for you, or are you able to get away from it and do other things?

[ConfusedLuke]

This is a bit off topic. But, what do you do with your time? Is this all consuming for you, or are you able to get away from it and do other things?

 

I work full time in a government job and just got a promotion to be on around 70k and I volunteer for some community organisations. I live in the apartment she used to live with me in. I exercise, try and eat well etc. etc. but she was really my family, friends and everything rolled into one. I did get too cozy in the relationship to 'network' and keep in touch but I was also spending a hell of a lot of time writing up briefs and affidavits because my pro bono lawyers weren't bothering.

 

During the last year of our relationship I was going over to sleep at my mother's at 12 midnight each night on weeknights because my uncles were trying to sell the family home she was in and I testified i was sleeping and living there in court and had a lease (which I did for $100 pw - all up $5000 over the year but I spent over that on her bills and then another around $10,000 on her legal bills). I also was extremely concerned about her welfare.

 

My mother thought I was a spy sent by police and the secret service so now has eventually blocked me from going there at all. She also doesn't believe my ex broke up with me and she thinks she is a spy too and we were both sent to destabilise her and take her house (which is ironic considering it isn't her house - it's jointly owned and she has no money because she is bankrupt and I was paying her bills).

 

She thinks because I work for 'The Crown' (the government) the only way I got money is through undercover police and that I am incapable of working. I don't work for any police or public office agencies but she still goes on...

 

Can you imagine the strain this put on our relationship? I was operating on three hours sleep each night, she constantly screamed things like 'dirty police'! 'the chinese and russians are coming!' until 3am in the morning. I called mental health services on her but they couldn't do anything unless she was threatening harm.

 

After I did this she then has used this as evidence that I am trying to get her certified and that I am in cahoots with my uncles, judges and police. It's very sad because she has been through the ringer.

 

My girlfriend isn't directly witnessing this but can you imagine me going on about it, the uncertainty of my family then meeting this guy at uni to learn something she really loves and go out dancing with? It makes sense.

 

She doesn't have to go on the way she is though, just severing me out of her life and acting like a jerk. If she was serious about any of the things she said during the BU ('time to heal' 'find myself again' 'being great friends') she wouldn't have gone screwing some guy the next week after the LTR.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

I work full time in a government job and just got a promotion to be on around 70k and I volunteer for some community organisations. I live in the apartment she used to live with me in. I exercise, try and eat well etc. etc. but she was really my family, friends and everything rolled into one. I did get too cozy in the relationship to 'network' and keep in touch but I was also spending a hell of a lot of time writing up briefs and affidavits because my pro bono lawyers weren't bothering.

 

During the last year of our relationship I was going over to sleep at my mother's at 12 midnight each night on weeknights because my uncles were trying to sell the family home she was in and I testified i was sleeping and living there in court and had a lease (which I did for $100 pw - all up $5000 over the year but I spent over that on her bills and then another around $10,000 on her legal bills). I also was extremely concerned about her welfare.

 

My mother thought I was a spy sent by police and the secret service so now has eventually blocked me from going there at all. She also doesn't believe my ex broke up with me and she thinks she is a spy too and we were both sent to destabilise her and take her house (which is ironic considering it isn't her house - it's jointly owned and she has no money because she is bankrupt and I was paying her bills).

 

She thinks the only way I got money is through undercover police and that I am incapable of working.

 

Can you imagine the strain this put on our relationship? I was operating on three hours sleep each night, she constantly screamed things like 'dirty police'! 'the chinese and russians are coming!' until 3am in the morning. I called mental health services on her but they couldn't do anything unless she was threatening harm.

 

 

I was just wondering what you did on your down time to try to move on. Distractions... maybe something new, something that is unfamiliar so you have to put all your concentration there. For instance, I am learning to build furniture.

[ConfusedLuke]

I was just wondering what you did on your down time to try to move on. Distractions... maybe something new, something that is unfamiliar so you have to put all your concentration there. For instance, I am learning to build furniture.

 

I have tried taking up little hobbies, I am learning Spanish but everything seems so insignificant and I think about her every hour of every day. Because I have been consumed for over a year (with starting full time work and my mother and the legal cases have been going on for a few years) thinking about how to secure our future now she's left I am a dog without a bone.

 

I don't care at all about saving a house, or getting a claim because all I was doing it for was to be able to provide for her and start a family. If she didn't want kids then I would still do it for her because that's all that mattered to me. Now she has up and left there is nothing.

 

Another poster said it was like 'Forrest Gump trying to decipher Einsteins theory' of relativity but to be honest it was like she was this locus, this focal point in my life. All along were tangent visions like kids, getting an apartment, travel but it all involved her.

 

Now she has left it's all fallen apart and the plane I am looking at is blank, there is no field of motion anymore. I am just hovering in space and it sucks because I know I can be her man but I doubt she will ever give it another chance because she is strong-minded (a quality I loved about her - she then re-wrote history by saying I called her 'stubborn' all the time which I might have mentioned on less than three occassions over petty refusal of cleaning her own dishes) and sticks to her guns but if she does see the change in me (less stressed about all at the end of the day my own issues with legal cases and my mother) if she can see I am being earnest about meeting her needs maybe she will come back one day to see if it can ever work.

 

I just want her heart to open a little and a glimpse of opportunity.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

Bro don't even play her game. Ignore her message completely. Leave that ball in her court. If she wants her things she doesn't need bad enough she'll ask again, and if you don't feel you owe her the money don't give her the money. Complete silence.

 

Thanks considering it, if these things were that missed then she would itemise them as for the money that is petty and I don't feel I really owe it at the end of the day considering we were practically de factos and she lived in with me.

[ConfusedLuke]

Wow! What a read! I think I got dizzy/headache.

 

OP, dude.. I read nothing but desperation and manipulation coming from you and I can see why she's only contacting you via email and keeping it business like(logistics about securing her items/money). I'd assume if she were to call you,in the mindset you're in,you'd be telling her this stuff..YIKES! Do you feel you owe her the money? As for her things; Send them to her via the mail/post. Holding them hostage in hopes of reconciliation is freaking insane and very petty! Don't be that guy. No need to wait..send them now and get on with your life.This relationship is OVER!

 

Edit: I'd look into some therapy too, if I were you. NOT the one she was seeing,but a new therapist.

 

I would not answer her call in the state I'm in but the keeping to emails is probably because I started using it to contact her wishing her happy birthday not because she wouldn't feel comfortable calling me. I don't feel I do and I'm not going to hold them hostage - again I will get back to her in a couple of days given the weeks we've not been in contact taking a few days to get back to a request is not unreasonable.

 

Unless the items were needed for heart surgery and she was a doctor or there was some burning need for them I don't feel I am being manipulative in waiting to respond. I need to gather myself to and think about what's appropriate. I have drafted two responses but neither got really positive replies here because users thought they were too desperate (despite being only a few lines). Hinting about driving lessons and the feel free to call line which I don't think is a big deal but hey.

 

If anyone wants to give a shot at how they would respond to such a message if they were trying to maximise the chances of being on low contact good terms please let me know. Should I try add her on facebook as well? I don't know what to do right now.

 

'Confused' is right about the way forward but I hold absolute clarity on what happened.

[ConfusedLuke]

No. I had "detached" for a year or two before the actual breakup; I asked him to change several things (minor things, as I said he's never had a "dealbreaker", but in the end I realized we weren't as compatible as I thought we were, I wasn't having fun, wasn't enjoying life with him), he didn't. If I thought the relationship was salvageable, I wouldn't have ended it. Honest, decent people do not end LTR unless they've tried to salvage it, to no avail.

 

Once I ended the relationship, I had no more feelings for him. If I did have feelings left, I wouldn't have ended it. We were both adults; I didn't need to make a threat to get it my way; I didn't end things to make him change. I ended things because he did not change (and heck, you can't make someone change, they are who they are. I learned the hard way). Sure, I could have remained cordial (and we were "Facebook friends" for a while before I deleted mine, for reasons unrelated to him of course), but to me remaining cordial means very little. We might as well not have ever spoken to each other ever again and it would still feel the same as being "FB friends".

 

I always wished him the best in my thought. To me, there's value in mutual respect after the breakup, because to me, that shows he's a decent people that deserves my respect. I'd rather think back and say, "He was a decent person, I'm thankful for the 4 years together and the experience that taught me", vs "Ugh, such a clingy person with no self-respect, why did I ever get with him?" Maybe you don't care about "hollow respect". I always thought it's better to part and still think of the other person as a respectable person, than to part way and hate each other's gut/despise each other. To each his own.

 

The thing is I don't think she has been decent about this. She didn't say things were failing between us, she said during the BU she wasn't considering other guys, then was out the next week with this other guy. I asked her about the guy she is currently seeing during the relationship after seeing them texting on whatsapp (a month or so pre-BU) and it seems she had shelved in herself and couldn't admit to me or maybe even herself she liked him ('he's just a friend').

 

She was the one going out alone dancing with him and to dinners. Did she think how she would feel if I was doing the same thing? Or maybe she had detached and wouldn't care? But did she think about how it would make her feel if she was still invested in the relationship maybe a year or so ago? NO, she didn't think of me at all - just about herself and enjoying doing something she wanted with another man.

 

She didn't communicate her needs to me and just assumed I knew them. I thought I was meeting them and I tried to engage with her and her friends. Driving to the mountains or going down for BBQs at the beach. She didn't see any of this or seem to appreciate. She offered me to come with her to the Spanish nights but she knew I had work on early and had to see my mother most nights as well. If it was that important though of course I would have gone, if she said something like 'I don't feel you value what I like because you don't come with me to them' then we could have discussed it but I thought she knew that all this stress and work was to share a future with her.

 

She wasn't being decent but I can also understand if I am so caught up in what I view as being selflessly and honourably devoted to saving my mother from bankruptcy, getting a claim from my grandmother's estate and saving the unit then I can see she did not feel the space to tell me how she was feeling about me even when asked if anything was wrong. 'Just study stress - exam coming up' 'I'm not angry! Why are you always asking me that' 'I'm fine'.

 

Then to top it off she cries to me begging to remain friends during the break up then when things have firmed up with the new guy stops communicating says sometimes 'exes can never be friends' and now it seems wants to sever ties completely less than two months out from a near decade long relationship. Decency?

 

I haven't been bombarding her with texts or emails (aside from sending about seven emails all up about 3000 words which were full of I love yous and apologies the day she left but since then I kept my emotions inside) I have kept my distance but she hasn't been decent pre-BU or post-BU, she's been kind of terrible but I still love her.

 

And the thing about change is that is one of the things she said not to do 'for her' once the BU but inside the relationship she also never asked me to change anything.

 

Maybe annoying habits like leaving contact lens about the place and then being consumed with TV and spending time on game apps she complained about but these were coping mechanisms I was engaging in and stress symptoms not characteristics of who I was as a person and if I knew these were deal-breakers for us I would have thrown the TV out the window and worn glasses for the rest of my life.

 

We were both crappy at one another but after nine years I thought we still had enough respect for one another to have open and honest discussions, not one of us clam up detach and form a bond with someone else inside the relationship who they eventually start dating the week out of.

 

It's ironic but I remember her playing INXS' 'Don't change' in the months leading into the breakup.

 

Bringing it back to the response to her request, how would you react?

 

Also in a conversation we had post BU (the days between when I saw her with the guy) I tried to find the good in the situation by saying 'Nobody's died here' to which I got a response - 'Are you sure?' and also 'Maybe this can be like a separation and not a divorce...' to which she responded 'sign the papers'.

 

'I know it's difficult at your age but you have to form your own support network'

 

'Maybe you should try cognitive behavioural therapy'

 

'Sometimes exes can never be friends'

 

'I have never felt so happy with him in my life'

 

'I just enjoy dancing with him so much'

 

then weeks later...

 

Just wandering when I can get my stuff and transfer me money from years ago when I have been living at the apartment you have been paying rent on and we were basically a de facto couple.

 

The gaul...

 

But I love her and if she wanted to make things work I would still accept her. I understand how difficult this time has been for both of us.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[NopeNah]

I would not answer her call in the state I'm in but the keeping to emails is probably because I started using it to contact her wishing her happy birthday not because she wouldn't feel comfortable calling me. I don't feel I do and I'm not going to hold them hostage - again I will get back to her in a couple of days given the weeks we've not been in contact taking a few days to get back to a request is not unreasonable.

 

Unless the items were needed for heart surgery and she was a doctor or there was some burning need for them I don't feel I am being manipulative in waiting to respond. I need to gather myself to and think about what's appropriate. I have drafted two responses but neither got really positive replies here because users thought they were too desperate (despite being only a few lines). Hinting about driving lessons and the feel free to call line which I don't think is a big deal but hey.

 

If anyone wants to give a shot at how they would respond to such a message if they were trying to maximise the chances of being on low contact good terms please let me know. Should I try add her on facebook as well? I don't know what to do right now.

 

'Confused' is right about the way forward but I hold absolute clarity on what happened.

Look..I know you're hurting,but trying to control another person is INSANE!

You said above you don't want to give her stuff and money back because 'she'll cut you out of her life and never see/talk to you again', So..By not returning her things for that reason; I see it as manipulative/hostage holding. You don't own her.

[ConfusedLuke]

Look..I know you're hurting,but trying to control another person is INSANE!

You said above you don't want to give her stuff and money back because 'she'll cut you out of her life and never see/talk to you again', So..By not returning her things for that reason; I see it as manipulative/hostage holding. You don't own her.

 

I'm not trying to control her, how can I? I don't feel the need to be controlled to produce an immediate response to the request. I didn't say that at all, of course I am concerned about that as anyone would be once you transfer the rest of anything that connected them to you but I didn't say I wouldn't.

 

I don't own her at all, but considering the circumstances I think I am very correct in the way I feel and my attitude towards this. You may not. You may think I'm displaying unhealthy behaviour but the fact is she hasn't been decent and is now expecting me to be decent to her with her things.

 

While she's out there probably trashing our relationship to all and sundry and saying how in love she is with this guy she branched off me with...

 

(I can see it now 'I left him, he was all selfish with his crazy mother and legal cases and I am feeling so much better with this new man who is such a better match for me' projecting all love and feelings onto him when we shared over a third of our lives together!).

 

She hasn't treated me as a person with feelings, maybe if I don't treat her as one she will realise you can't treat people like dirt, playing games with their heart.

 

I miss her every day yes being her friend would be agonising but her not around at all is worse especially when having her friendship was so important to me.

 

I don't own her, can't control her but tough luck if she expects me to just be this doormat now once she's already wiped her feet all over it.

 

The only reason I think timing is important is me feeling controlled to produce a response because I don't want to get on her bad side but she probably already has recontextualised our relationship to self-validate her decision and views me as the bad guy, so what else?

 

Of course I want to maximise my chances on being on friendly terms with her and construct a response but that's not controlling. I'm sick of these words being thrown about it's all so easy to just label 'controlling' 'manipulative' 'clingy' but the fact is we are all human and these things aren't applicable to all behaviours. If it doesn't have malicious intent then wtf?

 

Why would you spend ten years with someone if you didn't love them and want to see them flourish?

 

And that's the biggest thing I hate about all this is when I put my foot in my mouth looking back she has probably reframed it in her mind as purposeful what was just inconsiderate or frustrated.

 

There is a huge difference in manipulating, controlling and purposeful denigration than viewing it as a vent of passive aggression because you are at the end of your tether and have no emotional resources or tolerance left.

 

"Why are you always leaving dishes everywhere?" Could have been said to a guest or roommate but she's taken everything as a personal attack I feel on her. Like 'he's trying to make me feel bad and deficient' not 'he's just stressed, it's not me but maybe yeah clean up a bit more'. That's not an excuse 'just stressed' but she could see the pressure I was under but when detaching viewed it as my pressure and forgot that everything I was doing was for to provide a secure future for her and I.

 

Still I see that's not a great thing to say, especially things like 'you can go back to your mother's' but these were said because I had nothing left, she was detaching to such an extent that I felt she was being purposefully disrespectful and that wasn't definitive because her mother lives nearby (she had a bed she could sleep on there and would stay with her mother sometimes anyway - her mother isn't like my mother or live in another city) but it was getting to the stage we were in each other's hair.

 

These weren't 'threatening ultimatums' but cries in frustration. And when she did say she would go back I would beg her to stay the night with me (this was when I wasn't at my mothers) because I loved her and it was frustration. She wore the pants.

 

We needed to be more respectful with each other and she obviously felt I wasn't catering to her needs while the more she detached and the more she didn't bother making life the slightest bit easier when I came home, the more isolated and frustrated I felt. If we communicated of course about any of this, if she opened up that she was feeling alone (instead of surreptitiously planning her departure months in advance) and it still wasn't working I wouldn't feel so bad.

 

Meanwhile the new guy she is with is going through the courtship honeymoon stage still and is probably on his hands and knees while also not talking much english and just being physically affectionate with her.

 

She said it wasn't physical attraction with me just emotional and mental but she never opened up to me how down she was feeling towards me and our relationship and that's what's eating me because yes we were on each others nerves but things could have been so much better, especially after the stress of this year.

 

She really gave up on me, and then fell into his arms.

 

Now she wants to act all professional and just wrap things up all neat and tidy, wash her hands clean (s/o to Alanis)? pfft.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

This is the last of the seven emails I sent on the break up weekend and probably nailed the coffin:

 

"Hey

 

I'm sorry for these emails I've just got a lot of time on my hands to think and reflect. I'm going to go for a run and try and get out of this mess. I still hold hope of reconciling one day but yeah who knows what the chances are and it's up to you when you feel comfortable.

 

Maybe we can be friends forever but it's going to be really tough adjusting to you dating other guys when I saw us getting married (maybe in another dimension we did!).

 

If you are serious about remaining good friends then it would be really respectful I guess if we both took this time to reflect, it would ruin me if you just started dating guys straight away.

 

I know how lovely and beautiful you are and I'm sure a lot of other guys out there see the same in you. I don't begrudge you if you heart has been lost at sea from forming another relationship but to do it so soon, say within a month to two, after dumping me would be shattering.

 

I still care about you and know if you wanted to let go of the past, me too and make a fresh start we could have a great future together travelling, listening to Bruce and embracing ❤

 

I will always hold a candle for you.

 

Luke x"

 

I told her it would kill me if she did just jumped into dating straight and guess what she did?

 

Now because you don't want to be hurt you try and persuade the other person not to jump in bed with another dude straight away... You are trying to engineer an outcome.

 

You are thus trying to 'manipulate' but how is this not a human thing or a bad thing?

 

Isn't this just being honest to the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with?

 

Anyway, she disregarded that and went straight on a date with a guy she knew from studying...

 

Shouldn't I feel like the person wronged when she was branching off from me?

 

Why should I be labelled as trying to control when the fact is I'm a person too and it's crappy behaviour when you say you want to be great friends with a dumpee (who you know has unrequited love for you) and the very next week you are off with a guy you had been forming a bond with for the last six months?

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ExpatInItaly]

OP,

 

I really do feel you could benefit from professional help at this point. I don't say that to be unkind, but the level of obsession you're reaching is very unhealthy. You're sitting here ruminating and tormenting yourself while she is off living her life. Fair? No. Did she wrong you? Probably in some ways, yes. But so? Concluding that she wronged you does absolutely nothing to change the fact that your relationship is over. Who are you trying to prove yourself to? I mean that sincerely. Labeling her or you as right or wrong is irrelevant.

 

And nobody wants to see their ex dive into a new relationship, but you also have absolutely no say in the matter either. Yes, it sucks. But again, not your choice. She doesn't have to listen to you.

 

Your rambling and desperate emails didn't help matters, but she was already gone.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[ConfusedLuke]

OP,

 

I really do feel you could benefit from professional help at this point. I don't say that to be unkind, but the level of obsession you're reaching is very unhealthy. You're sitting here ruminating and tormenting yourself while she is off living her life. Fair? No. Did she wrong you? Probably in some ways, yes. But so? Concluding that she wronged you does absolutely nothing to change the fact that your relationship is over.

 

Your rambling and desperate emails didn't help matters, but she was already gone.

 

I understand but man... I just get stuck in a hole thinking about it, while I was off working hard and then going to see my mother at night she was drifting further and further away and not opening up (even when asked it was always something else).

 

...And I tried but I could have been more circumspect. Things like sleep deprivation may be 'excuses' but can reason why I wasn't more logical or considerate of the words I muttered under my breath.

 

And since I usually am a bit of a motor mouth put that on dial 11 under the stress I was in and no wonder she found it overwhelming and repulsive.

 

Just the way it happened, but you can't change the past. Only reason I was/am (I'm between the two now) optimistic for a future relationship is it was external pressure, not internal incompatibility between us. She saw otherwise probably but also admitted to me she didn't think about what would happen if the external situation improved (she was just that down around me).

 

Anyway, forward into the future it would be nice to forge some good terms.

 

I think it's all sinking in hence the 'I want to see her but not ready yet' thing.

 

I think my response should be a few paragraphs but no more, similar to what I posted before but including a paragraph or two along these lines:

 

"When we spoke at Christmas it seemed the focus was on me and how I would get through this time; you suggested joining more community groups and also forming support networks. In the emails I sent I also told you how I felt about a future friendship and lamented on what went wrong in our old relationship.

 

I think it's really important to clear the air and hear your perspective, it would be really great if you could give me a letter on how you felt our relationship was and how you see the future. I understand if the dust is still settling still for you but we were such large parts of each others lives, we spent so many years with each other and I feel just touching base now and then would be good for both of us."

 

I really do value her view on everything, and so far the only things I have heard is through heated (or dispassionate) conversation. She has not written me an email or letter (not that she is in any way obligated to).

 

I don't want to put too much pressure on it so just said it would be great, not 'please please' or 'you can have the money but write a letter to tell me how you are feeling'. I really do wonder how she is feeling right now even after all that happened and miss her. I also think it would be healthy to clear the air - especially given the level of tension in that oh-so-professional email.

 

I don't think we could ever be buddies seeing each other each and every week but it would be nice just to see her every few months; we then may drift apart and not see or speak in years but we were so much a part of each others lives and it really is a void. I understand her feelings of being 'in love' have gone and she resents more than adores me but we do have so many memories together.

 

Seeing a considered letter from her would give me a bit more clarity from all the conversations we had during the breakup week when her mind was resolved and focused on kicking away and probably dedicated to everything that went wrong between us.

 

I also understand she may not feel comfortable with the idea of seeing each other on an infrequent basis but we were such a part of each others lives and it would leave a hole. So would accept if she said something similar to what she said at Christmas (during the heated time post break up) like 'sometimes exes can never be friends' but may reach out in six months to a year just to keep the option open.

 

As the dumper she may not feel the need to be in touch with me ever again but she must be hurting considering she was pushing for marriage with me last year and was saying I love you and pet names even towards the end. I don't think my proposition is inappropriate or would be 'closure' (I already have that to a degree) I just want her to be open with me now, because if she isn't then there would be absolutely no prospect of ever maintaining any respect or a distant friendship.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[NopeNah]

You've heard her perspective. She told you she's happy and you should move on with your life. She's also told you,to your face, she does not want to be friends. I'm not sure what your end game here is,but if you keep acting like this with her it may be a restraining order.

Edited February 3, 2018 by Praying4Daylight

[ConfusedLuke]

You've heard her perspective. She told you she's happy and you should move on with your life. She's also told you,to your face, she does not want to be friends. I'm not sure what your end game here is,but if you keep acting like this with her it may be a restraining order.

 

She said sometimes exes can never be friends but then she said she wasn’t ‘ready for the friendzone’ so at Christmas time I don’t think her mind was clear. There is nothing in what I have posted that is threatening or violent I have no wish of any ill towards her. For goodness sake you think I’m some kind demented ex?

 

I’m sorry I’m picking up the pieces from my first real relationship. I spent all my twenties with this woman of course I’m going to be going over it all to you it may seem as naseum but I’m heartbroken. I have respected her space after the flurry of unanswered emails over the Sunday ending with the one above I did not flood her with any other thoughts or emotions like I have on this board. I’m hurting and looking for support why do you lump me in with people who get violence orders taken out on them? One of the main reasons I’m posting on here is because i am respectful and have restraint.

 

I am seeking opinions on how I can communicate how I feel without making her uncomfortable and hopefully ending things finally on good terms, instead people are all cut her out completely etc etc restraining order.

 

I still think we may be good friends into the future but maybe many on here are probably right - now is not the time to wave the ‘let’s be friends’ placard. I just thought because it had been nearly two months and she is getting the rest of her things it could be a good time but maybe not. I’m sorry I’m hyper anal about all this I’m just really scared and want her in my life as we have been through so much together even if she is no longer my lover or close friend.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

I know you are aware that some people can let you down easy with “ the let’s be friends” segue, even though that may not be the case. I don’t believe it is because they are necessarily lying to you, but it is not something that they have thought through. It maybe seemed like a good idea at the moment, and it may have been something they even wanted, in that moment. What I am saying is that saying “let’s be good friends” isn’t a contract.

 

I also question why you would want to invite the hurt, into your life, of being aware of her relationship with her boyfriend. How could you be “good friends” if she doesn’t share all aspects of her life with you, including her boyfriend?

 

Just because you pay her the money and allow her to get her things, without discussion, does not mean that you will never talk again. You may.. or you may not, but it is not contingent on this last transaction. If you let this go, maybe when you are in a more solid emotional place, a year of so down the road, you could then try to be her friend. Right now, in the emotional state you are in, you would not be a good friend to her.

 

Another poster said something about putting the blame on her. Some of the things may have been her fault during the breakup and during the relationship. But like the poster said...so?? It doesn’t matter. Think about that... it really doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change anything.

 

Let her get her things in peace, let her go in peace, that would be being a “good friend”.

[lolablue17]

After reading this thread, I think you need a serious rehab form that woman. If you really owe her money, pay her and disappear. If you don't really owe her, don't pay her and disappear.

 

Even if you're willing to lose your last self respect, just for some breadcrumbs, you should disappear without any "ending mail". Just become a ghost. Because woman like to think they worth something, and the validation for that is when men with self respect have interest in them.

 

You're constantly trying to prove her that you have no self respect at all, you sell yourself for free. You're so obvious, and so easy to get, no challenge at all. Women don't like to be with, or even friends with people that are so cheap. Start raising your value - and right now the only way for you is to disapear. Let her wonder "what has happend to him?"

 

Start living your life.

[ConfusedLuke]

I know you are aware that some people can let you down easy with “ the let’s be friends” segue, even though that may not be the case. I don’t believe it is because they are necessarily lying to you, but it is not something that they have thought through. It maybe seemed like a good idea at the moment, and it may have been something they even wanted, in that moment. What I am saying is that saying “let’s be good friends” isn’t a contract.

 

I also question why you would want to invite the hurt, into your life, of being aware of her relationship with her boyfriend. How could you be “good friends” if she doesn’t share all aspects of her life with you, including her boyfriend?

 

Just because you pay her the money and allow her to get her things, without discussion, does not mean that you will never talk again. You may.. or you may not, but it is not contingent on this last transaction. If you let this go, maybe when you are in a more solid emotional place, a year of so down the road, you could then try to be her friend. Right now, in the emotional state you are in, you would not be a good friend to her.

 

Another poster said something about putting the blame on her. Some of the things may have been her fault during the breakup and during the relationship. But like the poster said...so?? It doesn’t matter. Think about that... it really doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change anything.

 

Let her get her things in peace, let her go in peace, that would be being a “good friend”.

 

I will let her get everything I’m just very aware of my response I don’t want it to be overly militariatically professional but I would err towards a more simple and conservative approach without too much humour (or desperation). How would you respond to the email I received?

 

I will get back to her in a day or so but I don’t even know how to phrase it right now. I have been thinking about the more confident response above combined with the two paragraphs. Even if it is pressure I don’t feel she will ever be able to maintain contact unless she lets what she feels out directly to my face or in a letter.

 

Otherwise I fear her feelings a) will continue to fester and b) never be resolved with me directly. Again it is her choice but I want to put the idea out there of really expressing her displeasure with our relationship to me and what she sees the future as being. I really miss her but understand she might not want to see me for months or over a year. Any other posters on here your help is greatly appreciated.

 

Also with Facebook when should I try to add her? Again we are not Facebook friends so any help with this is appreciated. I would like to be her friend on some SM platform as it would be a way of possibly keeping in touch without the awkwardness of being in direct contact.

 

I’m thinking after I send the email response but before she gets her stuff I will add but I’m unsure. I guess she probably won’t accept and could make things more awkward but maybe then we could discuss it when she gets her stuff rather than it lingering in the air if I try and add her later on.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ConfusedLuke]

After reading this thread, I think you need a serious rehab form that woman. If you really owe her money, pay her and disappear. If you don't really owe her, don't pay her and disappear.

 

Even if you're willing to lose your last self respect, just for some breadcrumbs, you should disappear without any "ending mail". Just become a ghost. Because woman like to think they worth something, and the validation for that is when men with self respect have interest in them.

 

You're constantly trying to prove her that you have no self respect at all, you sell yourself for free. You're so obvious, and so easy to get, no challenge at all. Women don't like to be with, or even friends with people that are so cheap. Start raising your value - and right now the only way for you is to disapear. Let her wonder "what has happend to him?"

 

Start living your life.

 

Thanks man, there is a part of me that thinks just don't respond after what happened. The clothes she left aren't that valuable and I will just give her a grand and that's it. Still I think she will always hold it against me if I don't bother, she is really sensitive and already views me in a negative light so not bothering to give back her stuff will just cement how she sees me I feel.

 

I probably do need rehab. Just knowing the near decade all the people I went to school and college with have been going out, getting into temporary relationships, screwing about while I was committed to this woman who I thought I would marry and now she turns to some guy and branches off.

 

It would be soul destroying to anyone, probably but especially considering she was like family, a partner and best friend rolled into one.

 

I know my 30s are also prime of my life but really your 20s are your chance to 'explore' and I spent all of them with her.

[ConfusedLuke]

"Hi,

 

Nice to hear from you

 

Sure come over anytime just call to give me a couple of hours notice.

 

I'll transfer you the money (and don't I owe you some driving lessons as well? )

 

If there is anything else you need let me know - feel free to call me anytime, at uni or whenever

 

When we spoke at Christmas it seemed the focus was on me and how I would get through this time; you suggested joining more community groups and also forming support networks. In the emails I sent I also told you how I felt about a future friendship and lamented on what went wrong in our old relationship.

 

I think it's really important to clear the air and hear your perspective, it would be really great if you could give me a letter on how you felt our relationship was and how you see the future. I understand if the dust is still settling still for you but we were such large parts of each others lives, we spent so many years supporting each other and I feel just touching base now and then would be good for both of us.

 

I hope you are keeping fantastic, I just want to wish you well.

 

Take care,

 

Luke"

 

200 words, no extra fluffy stuff, only 'dust is settling' but it's true. It was nine years, it's been less than two months.

 

I think that's the best thing I can do. I still think about the driving lessons as that is something that really could be a friendship bridge between us as that is something she always wanted to get (her licence).

 

I want to give her my old car (a Corolla I don't really car to sell as it's not worth all that much and was my late grandmothers - I recently purchased a used Lexus) which still has six months of registration on it but understand if that would be overwhelming and cloying at this stage.

 

I think she's old enough now she doesn't need an instructor or log book, even still it would be a nice thing to do with her if she was to consider friendship. I think that's all I can do.

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

Seems you have made your mind up. May as well send it now. No use in waiting. Posters have told you their thoughts and you have basically keep the same message? Maybe changing a word here and there. You have to do what you want. I would suggest you go ahead and do it, as it will catapult your healing to put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. Good luck!

[ConfusedLuke]

Seems you have made your mind up. May as well send it now. No use in waiting. Posters have told you their thoughts and you have basically keep the same message? Maybe changing a word here and there. You have to do what you want. I would suggest you go ahead and do it, as it will catapult your healing to put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. Good luck!

 

'Final nail in the coffin' what would you change? I don't think it's overwhelming and it seems friendly to me.

 

I want to get the opinion of one work colleague who I have confided in. I also don't want to send it yet because even though my apartment is fairly clean I won't be really ready until Monday with my things and just preparing mentally for a possible visit any time in the next week (who knows she might wait until next weekend).

Edited February 3, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

I didn’t mean that the email was unfriendly. I just meant, by my comment, that it was putting a period at the end of the sentence. It puts out there what you want to say so you can be done.

 

I don’t think she is going to care how clean the apartment is. You don’t need anyone’s opinion. You know what you want to do. Just do it. At least, send the message and let her decide what to do. If you wait days to send it, then she may wait days to respond. It is dragging things it again.

 

As far as Facebook, let that go. For real. You are trying to move forward and that is taking three steps backwards. What does Facebook mean anyway? And are you good with seeing her and her boyfriend all kissy faced? Think about it.