No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M

[ConfusedLuke]

He won’t, he’s using her stuff as one last hope of them reconciling. He could easily drop it round to her mother’s house at an agreed time, without even seeing her or her family.

 

I will (would have) given it to her sister’s best friend when I saw her but now she’s directly contacted me regarding it it will be pretty crappy to then ignore her and get the friend to drop it off to her because she wants to get it herself - this week. I have already tried to drop off the rest of her things through her sister who told me to play it by ear but then never organised it with me (so she knew the offer was out there).

 

She also told me at Christmas time she would organise it but when I got back and there was no contact from her (and remembering she told me she ‘needed space’) I contacted the sister (I could have contacted her mother but her sister sent me a really lovely text and we were on good terms it seems)

 

I’m thinking the reason she’s only asking me for this weeks later after ‘thanks for the well wishes’ is that she’s finally processed cutting me out completely and may have worried if she got things earlier she would have more difficulty letting go. I will still send her a Facebook request (if she questions it I will say it will be easier than email if you have any future requests).

 

Of course I want her to remain somewhat in my life if there is any chance of rekindling we have to be in some sort of keeping in touch even if it just by being passive Facebook friends. And it isn’t huge pressure because I’m not bombarding her with begging I will just put it out there hopefully she will add if she doesn’t I’ve done all I can and we will at least get a chance to clear the air when we see each other.

 

Maybe I should say I don’t feel comfortable her coming around and organising to drop it off at her at her place as it would give me some of the power back plus if she felt uncomfortable her mother would also be there for her support.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[CantTakeMySmile]

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Drop her stuff off at her moms and be done with it. All this calculating what she may or may not do/say/feel and trying to solicit a certain response/reaction is, in fact, controlling behavior.

 

Pick yourself up and move on!

[CantTakeMySmile]

If you need to control something, let it be your behavior. Control yourself and your obsessive thoughts so you can move on.

[ConfusedLuke]

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Drop her stuff off at her moms and be done with it. All this calculating what she may or may not do/say/feel and trying to solicit a certain response/reaction is, in fact, controlling behavior.

 

Pick yourself up and move on!

 

Trying to elicit a response but also being mindful of boundaries. You can look at it two ways. I have no problem with’over-analysing’ or even being ‘fake’ and withholding/suppressing my feelings if it makes things easier for us and allows us to still be friends because I miss just seeing her more than anything (how pathetic I know).

 

I also am mindful of how she will take me if I’m a blabbering mess. I’m actually thinking the door idea is good because then she’s not going to have it all her own way and come over when I’m still in a vulnerable state.

 

It may also change her perception of me that I’m somehow desperate to see her. Which of course I want to but what would an hour of seeing someone you love do when there will be tens of thousands of hours into the future where I will still be missing her badly yet unable to? Especially when she is unavailable And Is with someone new.

 

“Hi,

 

I don’t want to see you at the moment. Please let me know a time that suits, and I can drop your things off at your mother’s.

 

With regards to the funds, I will transfer those funds, but please note this may take 72 hours to transfer through.

 

Kind regards,”

 

Then she isn’t getting everything her own way, I’m coming across strong because even though I do want to see her I am not ready by the sounds of responses on here. I will still send the Facebook request if she if ignores it then she can be like that but I’ve done everything. I’m also mirroring her level of professionalism and coldness.

 

Also ‘at the moment’ (it’s not just I don’t want to see you fully stop) leaves the door open for the future. She’s already treating me like some work colleague and not her recent partner of nine years who she went through thick and thin with.

 

So with that level of ambivalence I don’t think she will give a crap about my feelings right now but her not being able to organise it the way she wants and see me will hopefully make her respect me just one little bit and maybe engender the possibility of some future association on much more equal footing.

Edited February 4, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[HumanMachine]

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Drop her stuff off at her moms and be done with it. All this calculating what she may or may not do/say/feel and trying to solicit a certain response/reaction is, in fact, controlling behavior.

 

Pick yourself up and move on!

 

He won’t. He still string it out for as long as possible, all whilst his ex his sleeping with someone else and couldn’t care less about him. Just get rid of the stuff and move on.. no more drivel..

[ConfusedLuke]

He won’t. He still string it out for as long as possible, all whilst his ex his sleeping with someone else and couldn’t care less about him. Just get rid of the stuff and move on.. no more drivel..

 

I’ve come to the realisation that the more things are ‘strung out’ the longer it will be until what I want to occur (us being at least on good terms again) will happen. I’m strong enough to admit my mistakes, I think deep down she feels bad for not coming to me and talking about her blossoming attraction to him but I also know her well enough that she will play it off as:

 

a) He wasn’t meeting my needs and drove me to it (even though that’s no excuse for not being honest about it at the time to which she will probably say I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to put a spanner in our relationship which doesn’t stack up because even blind Freddy could see what was going on and her not checking her own emotions when I’m even prompting her to take stock; who is this guy - do you like him? Is just selfish)

 

b) it was the end of a relationship - all that about fate, temporality and society and intellectualise it as a simply ‘drifting apart’ (when we weren’t drifting it’s just one of us wasn’t bothering to even try and swim or communicate to their SO that they did feel alone.

 

c) he just became a bad person (and project traits onto me to validate) ‘manipulator, controller, selfish’ etc.

 

None of these are the root of it though because:

 

a) at the end of the day I was good to her and any needs she communicated to me I provided - whether practical (assignments, driving places) emotional (hugging and holding her when she was feeling upset when I came home from work) and mentally (we used to have interesting conversations about her studies from Hegal to Kakudu Plums though there was a lot of time consumed with worry about my mother and lawyers)

 

b) it wasn’t obviously suddenly the end of the relationship because in the last year we had been talking marriage and she said she still loved me to the final week of the BU (and was still having sex with me). Only when the guy came into the picture now does it seem her ‘heart drifted out to sea’ completely.

 

c) how controlling, manipulative et al. was I when I encouraged going out by looking up on apps when buses would come for her to go out, when going down to BBQs and trying to get to know some of her friends from study (interesting to look back and realise I never met this guy). When she invited one of them over to the apartment there was no control. When she went overseas (for all up over a year at different times in our relationship - travelling to Spain, Croatia, India, Nepal etc.) did I say ‘don’t go out?’ I never once made her feel bad about journeying the world. Early in our relationship I was the one to pick her up if she was in the gutter after a big night having tequilas (she stopped drinking when she travelled I think definitively after Nepal and having a health kick I never noticed that much because she really was not a heavy drinker just binged early on in our relationship). Towards the end even though I was sad about her leaving me to go on a girls trip in a time of need I was still enabling by giving her things for the time away and helping her pack. Then when she came back I was rubbing yoghurt on her sunburnt back! Uncaring? Controlling? Manipulative? Now that we’re over it seems she has licence to rewrite history.

 

She can’t admit that she just gave up on ‘us’ and was seduced by another man and I guess if/when they split she might reflect until then she’s going to be in denial (which is sad but I guess I can’t care about her progression or seeing the truth in what happened if I’m going to ‘move on’ and detach)

[ardeerd]

From what I've read in this thread and on my own, this seems super unhealthy to me. Just drop her stuff off somewhere, have her mom or whomever call her to tell her it's there, and break contact.

 

I don't think you're going to get over her or this with the way you're currently approaching it.

[Blanco]

OP, you claim she's rewriting history/being inaccurate about manipulative behavior on your part, yet you're exhibiting just that with regards to returning her possessions. She's not innocent in all of this, yet I think you should consider that it's entirely possible to do nice things for someone and still be controlling/manipulative.

[ConfusedLuke]

OP, you claim she's rewriting history/being inaccurate about manipulative behavior on your part, yet you're exhibiting just that with regards to returning her possessions. She's not innocent in all of this, yet I think you should consider that it's entirely possible to do nice things for someone and still be controlling/manipulative.

 

I understand but I just never prevented her from doing what she wanted. I understand now that the trap was that she had an ‘out’ to explore her feelings by blaming me once I started getting desperate for her to help out and was pleading with her to help wash up.

 

The nice examples I gave was that I was not some controlling monster in it for my own ends. She wasn’t under the thumb and perhaps I should have been *more* ingrained in her life - going out on her arm to these Spanish nights and worrying about what she was up to with her friends.

 

The only concern I had was with the girls trip because my mother was going bankrupt and I was floundering and feeling more alone than ever but then again by framing it ‘you can stay and support me or go off on the trip with your girlfriends’ crying to her rather than it be a heartfelt plea from her boyfriend who is doing it tough for a joint future it became ‘oh he’s so pathetic and concerned about himself and wants to prevent me having fun’ but the facts were the nice things I did supported her autonomy so how can she pull the ‘control’ card?

 

Objectively I needed her help more than ever and now I’m the bad guy because I wanted her to stick by me?

 

Also regarding her stuff:

 

A) after the break up she texted me asking for specific things which I served up the same day to her door

 

B) when i met her at Christmas she told me she would organise it in the next few days, I waited until the 29th when I went away, I got a missed call (no text or any other request from her). I told her mother I was coming back in about a week next Monday and hopefully I could catch up with her then

 

C) When I got back absolute silence so I waited about a week and a half until her birthday and texted her sister the day before saying I wanted to drop her things off and understand if my ex wasn’t ready to see me but thought it would be a nice gesture on her birthday. Sister was nice and said she was busy but would organise it later. I said I’m not fussed. She didnt get back but she was nice.

 

D) I spoke with her sisters best friend about the break up but didn’t even think messaging about my exes things to her. In the back of my mind i thought maybe it would be an opportunity when she said she would see me in a few weeks to have her help transfer them to her but it wasn’t something I felt comfortable discussing -besides my ex said she would organise it and I had told her sister I wanted to drop the stuff off.

 

E) then a few days ago I get that email from her curtly saying she wants to ‘grab her stuff’ and to transfer for her the rest of the money.

 

I have been respectful I have not refused to give back any of the stuff, a problem we had in our relationship is that I would just drop things off to her mother and leave things in the foyer. The apartment block her mother lives at has thefts. These are not ‘excuses’ or manipulating the situation in.

 

I’m trying my best here but my heart has been broken and she has left me confused about everything and I feel almost like burning it all but then that is spiteful but then how heartless is she just ‘Kind Regards’ after weeks of NC. Yes I get she doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea and wants to be professional but she knows how much she hurt me. I just find it sad.

[springy]

“I also am mindful of how she will take me if I’m a blabbering mess. I’m actually thinking the door idea is good because then she’s not going to have it all her own way and come over when I’m still in a vulnerable state.“

 

No offense but that is exactly where you are right now. You should not try to see her. You do not need to come up with a special text or even send kind regards back to her. Send a simple text that says I will put your items in a box and drop it at your moms. No feels. You need to spend a good amount of time in no contact. Go through the house and gather everything that belongs to her and box it.

 

She sent a simple text asking what was a good time for her to get her things, and several pages later each of your posts containing 5,6,7....paragraphs of analysis. You’ve got to pull yourself together. Just give her her things as simply as possible. please don’t do the Facebook request. I get that you’re hurt and terribly offended but this thread really concerning. Your life can happily go on with out her but you’ve got to accept her decision so you can start the healing process. Watching her & the new dude’s relationship on social media is just asking for torment.

[ConfusedLuke]

“I also am mindful of how she will take me if I’m a blabbering mess. I’m actually thinking the door idea is good because then she’s not going to have it all her own way and come over when I’m still in a vulnerable state.“

 

No offense but that is exactly where you are right now. You should not try to see her. You do not need to come up with a special text or even send kind regards back to her. Send a simple text that says I will put your items in a box and drop it at your moms. No feels. You need to spend a good amount of time in no contact. Go through the house and gather everything that belongs to her and box it.

 

She sent a simple text asking what was a good time for her to get her things, and several pages later each of your posts containing 5,6,7....paragraphs of analysis. You’ve got to pull yourself together. Just give her her things as simply as possible. please don’t do the Facebook request. I get that you’re hurt and terribly offended but this thread really concerning. Your life can happily go on with out her but you’ve got to accept her decision so you can start the healing process. Watching her & the new dude’s relationship on social media is just asking for torment.

 

I can’t do anything but accept her decision. If her heart is elsewhere and mind is is on someone else and I’ve made my feelings known what can I do?

 

I do think I’m strong enough to handle updates on Facebook just struggling because right now it’s like she’s vanished from the face of the earth. I don’t think it is healthy me seeing her in person so it is more like ‘I can’t see you right now’ than want (because I do miss her I want to see her face and hear her voice) but I don’t ‘want’ her to think I’m pathetic. So hence the message will be I guess -

 

“Hi,

 

I don’t want to see you at the moment. Please let me know a time that suits, and I can drop your things off at your mother’s.

 

With regards to the funds, I will transfer those funds, but please note this may take 72 hours to transfer through.

 

Kind regards,”

 

Simple. No feelings. Nothing she can be angry about. Start the healing process. If months or years down the line both I and her feel ready to see if a renewed relationship and love can grow that’s for then but for now it’s obvious. I just am still in this state of being overwhelmed by it.

 

She was the focus of my life despite me being stretched thin by work, lawyers, my uncles and mothers issues. Without her about it’s just a void, she has been the only person apart from my late grandmother (who I looked after for years with advanced dementia) who really believed in me and made me feel valued. When she passed I had her to rely on and when she had issues complaining about her sister or mother I was always there.

 

Now she’s gone there’s no joy or looking forward to anything right now. I provided for both my late grandmother and her and without either of them I just feel useless, I put my esteem in her when I shouldn’t have. My interests were tied in this ‘future’ with her and with her leaving, I don’t know now it’s hard to cope.

Edited February 5, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, she just wants her stuff back. She isn't giving it anywhere near the amount of thought you are. You are over-analyzing and obsessing at this point. I promise you that - at most - she might thinking, "Ugh, I just want to get this over with" but she's not bothering herself much about whether you're angry, strong, blubbering or otherwise. You and your feelings are not what's occupying her mind.

 

She's dating someone else and moving on with her life. Trying to teach her a lesson now about not always getting her way or respecting a decade-long relationship is futile; it's too late for that.

 

By hanging on to her belongings, you're hanging on to pain. Nothing more. You're not hanging on to power. She won't care that much after a while and will probably just let you keep/burn/pulverize whatever it is you have.

[niji]

Luke,

Look, I get it now. Not as in "understand" your pain, because I will never understand it not being in the same situation, but it makes more sense now where you're coming from and how she wasn't very decent, to which I agree (from what you've posted, of course you could be a completely deranged person but I/we will only ever hear your story, so I'm assuming what you're saying is true).

 

Look, I can see why you're completely heart-broken. You spent almost a decade with this girl. She was your world. Regardless, I can tell you why you do not need this woman, as a friend, as an acquaintance, as whoever in your life, because, it's simple. She had an affair. An emotional affair, but an affair none the less.

 

Yeah I know, if it's not him it'll be someone else sooner or later. But what's cr*ppy about it is, during times of difficulty, she chooses the easy route - find escape with a new, exciting prospect, instead of working out problem with you. If I was in your situation and can no longer handle the various stress issues (you and your various problems that you spent a lot of time dealing with), I would have broken up with you. Waiting to secure the new guy then break up with you, that's just cr*ppy. No other way of putting it. I realize sometimes people are just too tired to be strong, talk it out, solve problems together, but I'd like to think that with the sheer number of years you guys have been together, she has the responsibility to not let someone else interfere in your relationship. That's just cheap.

 

Don't be with a cheap person. I KNOW she's been there for so long that you'd think you can't survive without her presence, in any way shape or form, in your life, but you can. Don't short sell yourself. A person as you described does not deserve to be in your life, even as an acquaintance. You have your issues too, mainly being too obsessed with her. I don't blame you; that shows you loved her too much, but I can guarantee you that the more love you have, the more you will ruin her and cause her to be a cheap person. Just like when parents spoil their children too much, their children DO NOT love them more but rather view them as doormats who will do whatever the children want them to do.

 

There's only 1 way forward, and that's the way without her. It will hurt, but you can and will survive. The sooner you stop wasting time, the more time you have to find another life partner. Seriously, what's the point of keeping her in your life? Being her "friend" and seeing her date all the new dudes in town? Creeping on her FB and weep every night to sleep? Or getting back with someone who you KNOW were flirting behind your back and ditched you as soon as the new prospect solidified? How can you ever trust her again??

 

I would suggest take 6 months - 1 year of no dating to do what you want to do, grieve however you want to (without contacting her), relax, disappear.

 

I suggest that you delete all social media, block her phone number, and get rid of all things hers from your life. You'll probably not do any of this, and I can also guarantee that until you do, you will continue to hurt, and nothing will change.

Edited February 5, 2018 by niji

[ConfusedLuke]

She's dating someone else and moving on with her life. Trying to teach her a lesson now about not always getting her way or respecting a decade-long relationship is futile; it's too late for that.

 

By hanging on to her belongings, you're hanging on to pain. Nothing more. You're not hanging on to power. She won't care that much after a while and will probably just let you keep/burn/pulverize whatever it is you have.

 

Thanks for the concern but I'm not hanging onto her things for any sort of power, I just don't feel the compulsion to jump when she says jump after weeks of no contact then not so much as a 'hope you're well'.

 

The message was dead cold and no I don't expect her to open the proverbial Pandora's box by going 'how are you?' (upon a bit more reflection I could understand that she might think it could invite an avalanche of 'baby please come backs' from my end) but in saying that I'm not going to be just forced to respond.

 

Yes, her stuff and I will give it to her I just got to figure out what makes me comfortable as well while hopefully engendering a bit of respect for me (although you might say she doesn't really care one way or other).

 

All I've done is try my best and I feel railroaded by all this. I'm not hanging onto her belongings they are just in a pile now. There is nothing in her stuff that's valuable. It would be petty to just hang onto it and what would it achieve?

 

I'm thinking of adding "Maybe we can catch up in a few months" as I'm not so cold as her and it would leave the door ajar, even if she laughs at the prospect it is hurtful to consider that she could just sever all ties with me - the man she grew up with and loved for all those years.

[ConfusedLuke]

Luke,

Look, I get it now. Not as in "understand" your pain, because I will never understand it not being in the same situation, but it makes more sense now where you're coming from and how she wasn't very decent, to which I agree (from what you've posted, of course you could be a completely deranged person but I/we will only ever hear your story, so I'm assuming what you're saying is true).

 

Look, I can see why you're completely heart-broken. You spent almost a decade with this girl. She was your world. Regardless, I can tell you why you do not need this woman, as a friend, as an acquaintance, as whoever in your life, because, it's simple. She had an affair. An emotional affair, but an affair none the less.

 

The thing is I think she compartmentalised that part of her uni life with him, not to acknowledge her emotions towards the guy until she couldn't ignore the pull of attraction to him. And if she has that capacity with her emotions she can probably do the same with this 'chapter of her life'. Me - 'Nobody has died here '. Her - 'Are you sure?'.

 

The crappy thing is that she didn't talk about it with me. I think she might have been interested in others as well but didn't acknowledge it because I came home from a late day at work (around 8pm) and her best friend was on the phone having a weird conversation about having a picnic with a mutual friend of theirs and I recall saying 'you'll really like him' like she was trying to set them up. Of course when asked 'what was that about?' she said she had no interest in him and he was just one of the skater guys she knew from ages ago.

 

I let sleeping dogs lie but I was creeped by that conversation. The only time I felt a tad insecure was when she was giggling at that WhatsApp but that was also probably a warning sign.

 

Even though she was having all these feelings all over the place I don't think she felt comfortable enough to share them with me because she was already detaching from the relationship and maybe then she thought it was too much effort talking about them with me and she already felt distant as I was so occupied with striving for stability - dealing with my mother, lawyers and talking about having a family.

 

Her family and close family friends knew what pressure I was under, trying to provide for her (as she was the apple of my eye) so in order to protect her 'reputation' (Taylor Swift reference probably due to her listening to her quite a bit towards the end of our relationship) she then painted me as the bad guy in order to place herself as the victim and validate her heartless actions.

 

So while I knew what I had heard was obvious shipping or flirting she denied it and questioned my perspective on it just friends, nothing to see here, you're being too sensitive etc. (effectively 'gaslighting', isn't that a great phrase? me questioning what was the reality of the situation) she then accuses me of manipulation tactics when my stressed and sleep deprived pleas were spontaneous, heartfelt and genuine (and reasonable looking back - she really should have at least some respect to see how hard I was trying and help me out) or bourne of frustration without any circumspection (not preplanned or designed to denigrate). Only looking back can one recontextualise and repaint history so it has a nice glossy finish.

 

And since I'm prone to take the world on my shoulders (and from looking around dumpees tend to put the blame on themselves especially immediately after a break up) and I'm already hyper anal and anxious I go over every word I've said looking at reasons as to why she is right, when really the ball was in court and she checked out.

 

Girl deeply unhappy in unrewarding relationship with a moody loser who is overwhelming and manipulating her finds happiness being swept off her feet by a foreign romantic while studying. Awww <3

 

Not - Girl cultivates relationship with a guy who is getting under her radar seducing her who she meets studying while she is still with a decent man who has been there for years and loves her deeply. Only leaving once when she feels enough pull out of the relationship towards other guys who seem much more supportive (in her eyes).

 

Girl never bothers to even have a conversation about it with her de facto, even when asked how she feels towards her new guy when she was in the relationship with her LTR partner and puts being miserable to her concerned partner as down to hormones, study or just hides it under a poker 'I'm fine' face.

 

Girl waits for months before the break up, timing it and completely pulling the rug under her SO during a time when he needs her support the most...

 

Girl probably tells family and close friends a month before it happens (when asked she said she had already 'grieved' for months).

 

Makes me sick.

 

If she didn't want kids at all I would have been fine because the only person I wanted to be around for the rest of my life was her.

 

I just wished she opened up to me.

Edited February 5, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ExpatInItaly]

Let's imagine for a moment that she had opened up to you.

 

Imagine she'd come to you and said, "You know what, Luke? This is really hard for me to tell you, but I have feelings for another man and I want to explore that. I'm so sorry."

 

Or, "I am really having a hard time, and I want you to know I don't feel the same way about you or us anymore. You might be feeling I'm distant and it's because I don't see a future for us."

 

What would that have changed for you?

[ConfusedLuke]

Let's imagine for a moment that she had opened up to you.

 

Imagine she'd come to you and said, "You know what, Luke? This is really hard for me to tell you, but I have feelings for another man and I want to explore that. I'm so sorry."

 

Or, "I am really having a hard time, and I want you to know I don't feel the same way about you or us anymore. You might be feeling I'm distant and it's because I don't see a future for us."

 

What would that have changed for you?

 

Then we could have at least had some counselling around it and if she still felt she wanted to end it and explore then I would have been distraught but it would have been a much easier pill to swallow then her outright saying she had no feelings for other guys then out the next week going on a date with someone she's known for six months.

 

I would have at least felt respected to some degree, even if I was passed over for another and we then might have both been sad about it but able to maintain some sort of good terms. The way she went about it though meant the only way she felt comfortable with herself was to project onto me that I was this cartoonish bad guy when the reality was I always was there and cared about her even if I was absent and grumpy a lot of the time.

 

If she didn't feel her needs were being met by me she should have had the courage to come to me and had an open discussion, but she let the resentment fester (and attraction build - even if it was 'subconsciously' she used to talk about the 'subconscious' a lot) for months until it was past the point of no return.

 

And I had no idea because when I did try and broach her feeling upset it was always something else, or why are you asking if I'm looking angry? complete diversion in order not to deal with it because it was just placed in the 'too hard' basket to solve.

 

And that's crappy when all you want to do is bend over backwards and drive to the ends of the earth to appease someone.

 

I'm not a saint, I had annoying habits and foibles (one involving the disposal of my contact lens) but she never said any of these were dealbreakers, she never openly discussed the status of our relationship which is why I am so aghast and seemingly inconsolable (or obsessed) on this forum.

 

Because the person I felt so close to was deceiving me (even if she can't admit it to herself) that everything was 'fine' when everything was falling apart in her head and she never came to me when I was there.

 

And maybe that's the hardest part dealing in all this.

Edited February 5, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are idealizing how things would have panned out if she'd told you what she was feeling.

 

You don't know that she would've agreed to counseling. You don't know that she would have wanted you to meet her needs anymore. You also don't know that you could have ended on friendlier terms knowing she was into some other guy. That isn't likely; what's more probable is that you would have been devastated and felt pretty much as you do now. You more than likely still would have felt betrayed because, well, she's fallen for someone else.

 

I think you are over-estimating how her hypothetical honesty/respect for you really would have changed this experience for you. Sure, you'd have known without a shadow a doubt she was leaving you for someone else. And then? It would still hurt like hell.

 

Look, I know it's hard to get past a betrayal. I've been where you are. It's hard to realize that the person you thought you knew so well was actually not who they turned out to be. It will take time to accept what's happened. Sometimes two people really just are not meant to stay together forever, man.

[ConfusedLuke]

I think you are idealizing how things would have panned out if she'd told you what she was feeling.

 

You don't know that she would've agreed to counseling. You don't know that she would have wanted you to meet her needs anymore. You also don't know that you could have ended on friendlier terms knowing she was into some other guy. That isn't likely; what's more probable is that you would have been devastated and felt pretty much as you do now. You more than likely still would have felt betrayed because, well, she's fallen for someone else.

 

I think you are over-estimating how her hypothetical honesty/respect for you really would have changed this experience for you. Sure, you'd have known without a shadow a doubt she was leaving you for someone else. And then? It would still hurt like hell.

 

Look, I know it's hard to get past a betrayal. I've been where you are. It's hard to realize that the person you thought you knew so well was actually not who they turned out to be. It will take time to accept what's happened. Sometimes two people really just are not meant to stay together forever, man.

 

Yeah she might not have gone to counselling but I reckon if she was open with me about it we could have at least been on speaking terms still. Even if the new guy was the jealous type we would at least have still had respect for one another and maybe reunited down the line. At this stage reuniting seems incredibly low.

 

I do still think beyond all the crappy circumstance we are very compatible and have shared so much of our lives already with one another.

 

So this is it tomorrow:

 

"Hi,

 

I don't want to see you at the moment. Please let me know a time that suits, and I can drop off your things at your mother's.

 

With regards to the funds, I will transfer those funds, but please note this may take 72 hours (three business days) to transfer through.

 

Maybe we can catch up when the dust settles a bit.

 

Kind Regards,

 

Luke"

 

I thought about the last line but I am not as cold and 'professional' as her and it has no specifity but does float the idea and blunt that I may be smarting or immature about this ('I don't want to see you' is kind of Nyah nyah). Of course I'm analysing all this because even with all that's gone on she is so dear to me.

[lolablue17]

This is the message you should send:

 

"Hi,

I will drop off your things at your mother's.

With regards to the funds, I will transfer them soon.

Luke"

 

That's it! No more!

[healing light]

This woman does not give a ****. She doesn't care about what went wrong, she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't want your letters, she doesn't want your driving lessons, she doesn't want you in her life. All she cares about is her **** and getting more money. She probably outright cheated and overlapped the relationships. That's besides the point. She wants her crap and doesn't care anymore.

 

You hanging onto it is only extending your pain. Whether you realize it or not, you're using this stuff to try to manipulate an outcome, to keep ties with her, to avoid facing the final loss of the last 10 years. Drop it off in a box and disappear. Or just disappear. I wouldn't pay her the money if it wasn't in writing and you only suggested it to keep ties with her; you paid all the bills the whole relationship, on some level even she must feel it's ridiculous.

 

This woman doesn't want you, not right now, perhaps maybe not ever. Every time you contact her or capitulate to her demands, she probably respects you even less. She's done.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you, but you need to wake up before you continue to torture yourself with these imagined scenarios of a better future with her. See what's in the present.

 

Her email felt cold and transactional because that's what it was--she doesn't want any more connection with you, she just wants her **** and $$$$$$.

[ConfusedLuke]

This woman does not give a ****. She doesn't care about what went wrong, she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't want your letters, she doesn't want your driving lessons, she doesn't want you in her life. All she cares about is her **** and getting more money. She probably outright cheated and overlapped the relationships. That's besides the point. She wants her crap and doesn't care anymore.

 

You hanging onto it is only extending your pain. Whether you realize it or not, you're using this stuff to try to manipulate an outcome, to keep ties with her, to avoid facing the final loss of the last 10 years. Drop it off in a box and disappear. Or just disappear. I wouldn't pay her the money if it wasn't in writing and you only suggested it to keep ties with her; you paid all the bills the whole relationship, on some level even she must feel it's ridiculous.

 

This woman doesn't want you, not right now, perhaps maybe not ever. Every time you contact her or capitulate to her demands, she probably respects you even less. She's done.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you, but you need to wake up before you continue to torture yourself with these imagined scenarios of a better future with her. See what's in the present.

 

Her email felt cold and transactional because that's what it was--she doesn't want any more connection with you, she just wants her **** and $$$$$$.

 

The screwed up thing is I get no respect either way really. RE: her things, that's a no brainer get rid of it back ASAP. The money I'm in debt at the moment, I'd have to go further into debt, it wasn't written down we were practically a de facto couple living together, she had not brought it up. But I did during the BU (days before I saw her with the guy) so I will follow through.

 

But I think that's salt in the wounds and if I didn't pay it - there would be no good will at all left (because even if she has zero interest it may at least leave the door open to some extent instead of vanishing off the face of the earth).

 

I'll keep the word (even though I feel I don't owe it) that I will pay her the rest back 'later', I could drag it out in instalments (it would be easier for me financially) but then she would see that as a manipulation tactic.

 

I don't want to be light-hearted about this but she liked that Rihanna song, the one 'bitch better have my money'. I'm just picturing her right now kicking back laughing with the new guy listening to it. Screw that.

[ConfusedLuke]

This is the message you should send:

 

"Hi,

I will drop off your things at your mother's.

With regards to the funds, I will transfer them soon.

Luke"

 

That's it! No more!

 

I'm actually liking this. Most are probably right (she doesn't give a crap about whether I am strong or weak) but anything vaguely hinting at possibly catching up in the future (maybe we can catch up down the line etc.) will probably even be more pathetic and unlikely to achieve the goal of meeting up months or years into the future (despite my hope she would consider it).

 

Thank you.

[HumanMachine]

I'm actually liking this. Most are probably right (she doesn't give a crap about whether I am strong or weak) but anything vaguely hinting at possibly catching up in the future (maybe we can catch up down the line etc.) will probably even be more pathetic and unlikely to achieve the goal of meeting up months or years into the future (despite my hope she would consider it).

 

Thank you.

 

Luke this is the first post of yours that I agree with! Stay strong mate, you can do this.

[CantTakeMySmile]

The screwed up thing is I get no respect either way really. But isn’t this just the “hollow respect” you referred to? RE: her things, that's a no brainer get rid of it back ASAP. The money I'm in debt at the moment, I'd have to go further into debt, it wasn't written down we were practically a de facto couple living together, she had not brought it up. But I did during the BU (days before I saw her with the guy) so I will follow through.

 

But I think that's salt in the wounds and if I didn't pay it - there would be no good will at all left (because even if she has zero interest it may at least leave the door open to some extent instead of vanishing off the face of the earth). This sounds like you are paying 1000 dollars for a possible second chance.

 

I'll keep the word (even though I feel I don't owe it) that I will pay her the rest back 'later', I could drag it out in instalments (it would be easier for me financially) but then she would see that as a manipulation tactic. “Later” is still dragging it out. Why not worry about how it effects you and not what she may or may not think?

 

I don't want to be light-hearted about this but she liked that Rihanna song, the one 'bitch better have my money'. I'm just picturing her right now kicking back laughing with the new guy listening to it. Screw that.

so don’t pay it