Is being in love with someone different from loving them???

[Neofire]

Hi all, new to this!!. Was looking for help online so hope I find some decent helpful people here.

 

Don't mean to go on so please bear with me, its hard to explain.

 

I love my wife and can't imagine life without her, I also have two step children and one of my own (she's gorgeous!!!), the problem is that for years we have clashed over everything and had a hard time of it financially. She is a very strong person and my heart is weak in comparison, I get hurt very easily and she uses this to her advantage, shows no emotion at the time which I can't cope with.

 

I have often thought about leaving but worry myself sick about her on her own, as I said I do love her and care very much for her. Also I worry that my children (6, 11 and 15) may grow to hate me for leaving them.

 

We have had alot going on and alot of hurt in our relationship over the past 11 years, and this has taken it's toll on me, I can't quite look at her with the same adoration anymore and now something else has happened and I am a wreck thinking about what is right and what I should do.

 

A few months ago I met someone whom is in a similar situation to me, she does not love her husband and he has been physically abusive to her which has driven her to leave him, though not yet. We got talking about our situation together and I now have really strong feelings for her, we haven't had sex but just held each other a few times (sounds sad anno!!!!) and it felt amazing. She now tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, and to be honest I feel the same way, this brings me to my question..........

 

I love my wife, fact!!!. But until I met this other girl I thought I was in love with her, even though our relationship has been really stormy I still had strong feelings. I am now afraid that its a different kind of love as the love a feel for the other person is pain, not being with her is killing me although we haven't had a proper relationship.

 

I am soft and don't want to hurt my wife, we both have faults and she is still a lovely person deep down, I just don't think I am able to offer her the kind of love we once had. I have never been unfaithful to her and don't want to be, only if I leave will anything happen with the other person. The thought of leaving scares me ****less but the thought of not being with the other person is killing me also, jeez do I sound that bad??, any advice please, has anyone been in a similar situation and survived to tell the tale, happy or sad??

 

I haven't let myself go, I am strong and well built, very fit, sex has always been amazing and varied and I think she still loves me, though I don't feel it. Is it possible to love someone through habit???, I don't know and I'm very confused as you can probably tell by the thread, sorry for moaning on folks but please help me make sense to all this, am I a bad person?? Is it possible I am IN LOVE with the other person and that I LOVE my wife in more of a caring way? I am not happy, maybe If we change our life we could be, but then I could miss out on real happiness with someone else and never know.

 

Food for thought..

[Ladyjane14]

The difference between "love" and "in love", in my opinion, is nothing more than Infatuation.

 

There's a bio-chemical reaction that takes place within the body, much as there was for you when you first dated your wife. It fades in time, often to be replaced by a more meaningful bond...which (again, in my opinion) is "love".

 

Even if you involved yourself with this OW, the infatuation would fade over the course of time. That's just how it is for everyone.

 

she does not love her husband and he has been physically abusive to her which has driven her to leave him, though not yet.

 

OW's abusive situation is NOT your problem. This isn't the dark ages when a woman didn't have options. There are LOTS of things women can do to protect themselves these days, and lots of organizations for her to seek help.

 

If he's truly a violent man....then why hasn't she taken advantage of one of these resources and left him?

 

And if he's truly a violent man....aren't you endangering yourself AND your family by becoming involved?

[nyr_fan]

I agree, Ladyjane. The "love" you feel for someone initially is usually infatuation and excitement for someone or something new in your life. Sometimes its the thrill of being with someone who is either forbidden or a new challenge.

 

When you truly love someone for the long haul, the love becomes mature love. Being there for them all the time, listening to their problems, accepting their faults, etc.

 

If you decide to pursue a relationship with this OW, I think you should tell your wife how you feel. Don't do anything you will regret. Make sure you are sure of this before you act.

 

And also remember...she is also married.

[Neofire]

Guys thanks for your opinions, been at work so just read them this morning.

 

I understand what your saying and you are right, my wife deserves better and I will make an effort to get things back to being great, she is a great woman and I should appreciate what I've got and stop moaning.

 

Sorry for all that crap and thank you for your honesty, I've been thinking about it constantly and what you've said makes perfect sense.

 

I will chat with the o/w today and let her know what I'm doing as it's only fair, she does not deserve to be messed about either.

 

Thanks.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad to hear that you're working on the marriage. I've been married myself over 20 years, and after some rough patches we're reaping the benefits of a long-term, warm, and loving relationship. There's alot to be said for the "rush" of infatuation....but nothing compares to the real deal.

 

That said, there are reasons why you were susceptible to this attraction. It'll go a long way toward your future happiness if you'll spend a bit of time exploring what's missing in your marriage. What made you consider turning outside of it?

 

Sometimes there are aspects of a relationship that bug you....but it doesn't seem to be bad enough to be actionable. Personally, I dealt with that for YEARS. Lots of things bugged me....but not enough to address them.

 

It's a bad mistake, as I have learned since. It breeds resentment and emotional distance. Fortunately, my husband and I both recovered from that lesson. Not everyone does.

 

One has to be proactive in their relationship at all times. It's a matter of maintenance.

 

While it's great that you're moving on past the temptation of the OW, don't forget what the temptation itself represents. There's some dissatisfaction in your marriage. Important emotional needs are being neglected somewhere along the line. Certainly, you are lacking something...or you wouldn't have been out looking for it. Maybe your wife is lacking something as well.

 

The future of your family is, in some ways, dependant on the relationship between you and your spouse. Your children are watching and learning. You have the opportunity to teach them something special here, a lesson that will carry them through in their own romantic relationships.

 

Consider spending a little time actively working on the marriage, and fixing all those little things that have been bugging you. I think you'll find the relationship ALOT more satisfying.

[lynnspies1]

I just wanted to say thanks for doing a good thing. You should give yourself a pat on the back for seeing things clearly enough to change things before they went wrong. It is worth it not only for your wife but for you too. Congrats, I hope things work out for you and your wife.

 

Lynn