Now it's over... and I feel like a complete jerk

[ReallyConfused]

For everyone who has followed my story & given advice, thank you. Last night I sat down with my wife and did my best to explain everything to her. I feel like such a jerk now.

 

She couldn't see that she depends on me for everything - but in the same breath she would say "what am I going to do without you? I alone now." Everytime she said something like that I just wanted to take everything back & go back to pretending there isn't anything wrong.

 

I spoke to her father (he lives in another state) and he said she can go and stay with him while we sort this out.

 

I just want both of us to be happy.... I never wanted to hurt anyone, but now I'm going to be looked at as the cause of all of the problems by everyone in both families.... It's a terrible position to be in.

 

Thanks everyone for all the support.

[Tony T]

QUOTING YOU AND COMMENTS:

 

1. "I just want both of us to be happy...."

 

I don't think so. If you wanted to be happy, you wouldn't feel so bad about ending a relationship that has been rather empty for you. If you wanted her to be happy, you wouldn't have stayed around living a lie. You would have freed her much sooner to find someone who was really into her in a major romantic way.

 

2. "I never wanted to hurt anyone,"

 

You don't have the power to hurt anyone. They hurt themselves. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. You are only responsible for your own.

 

So you were willing to remain a hostage to your own guilt for 15 years? All rational thinking on the planet dictates that you end this at some point. It is absolutely insane to remain in an unfilling situation when your days are so brief on this planet.

 

3. "but now I'm going to be looked at as the cause of all of the problems by everyone in both families.... It's a terrible position to be in."

 

You suffer from terrible narcissism. You flatter yourself that you think you can actually cause other people's problems. They cause there own problems. Your job in life is to look out for yourself in a way that is true to you and your objectives. You haven't done a very good job of that so far in your life and you seem to want to remain on the same course.

 

What do you mean by "all of the problems???" You have solved the big problem here. You have been living a lie. You have been in a relationship that did little for you. And your wife, maybe she's all screwed up but she is selfish as hell if she would want you to remain in a relationship that was not rewarding to you. Poop on her.

 

4. "She couldn't see that she depends on me for everything - but in the same breath she would say "what am I going to do without you?"

 

We are talking major codependency here. This is a serious problem for her that she will have to overcome. You have given her a wake up call and she will heal and get better because of the action you have taken.

 

Hey, it's all over. You've given her notice, you told her how you felt, you told her what you were going to do. You should be relieved. Now, get packing.

 

If you think your friends and relatives have nothing better to do than think about YOUR life all day, you're nuts. If they give this 30 seconds to a minute of thought a day for the next week, that would be unusual. A few weeks after all this business is put behind, they won't think about it at all.

 

People have a lot more to concern themselves with than your life. But you should be a lot more concerned about it yourself. Concerned enough to dump all the guilt crap, to highly resent your wife and family for trying to dump a lot of guilt on you, and moving on with your life so you can find fulfillment and joy.

[ReallyConfused]

Thanks Tony - I can always count on you to help me get my head on straight...

 

You're right - I am a bit nacissistic - but being the first born child in my entire family (the oldest nephew/cousin) - has made me always feel as if I was the center of the universe in our family. However, you are right - I'm not the center of anyone's universe but my own.... most people aren't going to think twice about this.

 

But it does feel nice when I sit down and think only about my life and what I want out of it. I can't remember the last time I did that. Suddenly I see a lot of possibilities that were never there before.

 

Thanks