Friend asking my ex out?

[wingzero]

So here's the back story.

 

I've been trying my best to get over my ex after you guys helped me sort out my feelings. But there's still that feeling of hurt and regret and just that urge to want to know how she's doing. I caught wind that one of my close friends recently ask my ex out. Or at least confessed his feelings. Without any good judgement and the horrible feeling that she'd get taken away, I confronted said friend and asked him why he didn't ask me first. He replies "Sorry, I know I should have talked to you first but it's been a year...And to tell you the truth I've liked her, too, even when you two were dating." He told me he tried to make small advances before but my ex would brush it off but didn't pursue any further knowing she was dedicated to me. They were friends because of me and would ocassionally banter but not best of friends.

 

It just sucks. On one hand I feel betrayed but he didn't do anything wrong. I just feel nervous thinking about her dating someone else but me. I know at this point there's no fixing my mistakes that I did. How do I stop thinking like this? And what should I do if him and my ex do start dating?

[Marc878]

You let her go. Her life is none of your business now.

 

Have you gone completely NC?

[Beachead]

So here's the back story.

 

I've been trying my best to get over my ex after you guys helped me sort out my feelings. But there's still that feeling of hurt and regret and just that urge to want to know how she's doing. I caught wind that one of my close friends recently ask my ex out. Or at least confessed his feelings. Without any good judgement and the horrible feeling that she'd get taken away, I confronted said friend and asked him why he didn't ask me first. He replies "Sorry, I know I should have talked to you first but it's been a year...And to tell you the truth I've liked her, too, even when you two were dating." He told me he tried to make small advances before but my ex would brush it off but didn't pursue any further knowing she was dedicated to me. They were friends because of me and would ocassionally banter but not best of friends.

 

It just sucks. On one hand I feel betrayed but he didn't do anything wrong. I just feel nervous thinking about her dating someone else but me. I know at this point there's no fixing my mistakes that I did. How do I stop thinking like this? And what should I do if him and my ex do start dating?

 

 

Marc787, with all due respect, her life may now possibly involve his close friend and you expect him to feel nothing about it?

 

OP, how long has it been since you broke up with your ex?

 

Awhile back, my close friend liked this girl. She wasn't interested and would brush off his advances though. Eventually he got tired and moved on. About 10 months later, I ended up meeting a beautiful girl whom I got along with but to my surprise, ended up being the girl my friend had liked. At the time when he talked about her, I never knew her name and didn't see a picture so I had no idea who she was. But as soon as I found out, I went and talked to him that very week before considering moving forward with her. Some people would say she's fair game but that's not how I thought. I would have dropped the idea of that relationship if he wasn't okay. It didn't matter that they never went out. What mattered was that he liked her in the recent past and I wanted to respect his feelings and our friendship.

 

I'm disappointed your close friend put you in this position when you're still healing from the break up. Maybe if this was a few years later, that would have been different. But it's not a few years later. I assume your breakup happened recently. You shouldn't have to be accruing more anxiety and stress than you already feel..because your friend can't control himself. In either case, be it 3 months or 3 years later, he should have run this by you. Imagine the two of them going out and you'd have to see all the updates on social media and hear stories from friends of friends. Imagine him bringing her around you. How would it make you feel? You would feel like absolute crap. It was a disrespectful and completely insensitive move on his end and I would question the friendship with him because that's a red flag.

 

As for your healing, continue with No Contact and keep working on yourself. There's no rushing your healing process. Expect about a year atleast before you feel better.

 

Goodluck.

Edited December 10, 2017 by Beachead

[wingzero]

Marc787, with all due respect, her life may now possibly involve his close friend and you expect him to feel nothing about it?

 

OP, how long has it been since you broke up with your ex?

 

Awhile back, my close friend liked this girl. She wasn't interested and would brush off his advances though. Eventually he got tired and moved on. About 10 months later, I ended up meeting a beautiful girl whom I got along with but to my surprise, ended up being the girl my friend had liked. At the time when he talked about her, I never knew her name and didn't see a picture so I had no idea who she was. But as soon as I found out, I went and talked to him that very week before considering moving forward with her. Some people would say she's fair game but that's not how I thought. I would have dropped the idea of that relationship if he wasn't okay. It didn't matter that they never went out. What mattered was that he liked her in the recent past and I wanted to respect his feelings and our friendship.

 

I'm disappointed your close friend put you in this position when you're still healing from the break up. Maybe if this was a few years later, that would have been different. But it's not a few years later. I assume your breakup happened recently. You shouldn't have to be accruing more anxiety and stress than you already feel..because your friend can't control himself. In either case, be it 3 months or 3 years later, he should have run this by you. Imagine the two of them going out and you'd have to see all the updates on social media and hear stories from friends of friends. Imagine him bringing her around you. How would it make you feel? You would feel like absolute crap. It was a disrespectful and completely insensitive move on his end and I would question the friendship with him because that's a red flag.

 

As for your healing, continue with No Contact and keep working on yourself. There's no rushing your healing process. Expect about a year atleast before you feel better.

 

Goodluck.

 

My story with my ex here. <-- So I'm ashamed to say I dated this amazing girl for 6 years and I broke up with her because I didn't want to settle with her (her being my first real relationship). After a year I realised I messed up. We both had no contact for the say a quick text to get back our stuff from one another. I tried to reconnect and she said she wasn't the girl I needed and I didn't want to push her any further.

 

I don't know what I want. I still love her but I hurt her so bad. I mean there is a chance she'll say no to him since what I've heard was that she's still...picking up the pieces that I smashed. My friends warmed up to my ex easily, she was so easy going, and looking back, I knew some of them did flirt with her. But she was always loyal to me.

 

Anyways, I do want her to be happy and find someone. I wish it were me and if it had to be with someone, just not my friends. I know it's not realistic to think that, I don't what to do or feel...

[Fever of love]

So here's the back story.

 

I've been trying my best to get over my ex after you guys helped me sort out my feelings. But there's still that feeling of hurt and regret and just that urge to want to know how she's doing. I caught wind that one of my close friends recently ask my ex out. Or at least confessed his feelings. Without any good judgement and the horrible feeling that she'd get taken away, I confronted said friend and asked him why he didn't ask me first. He replies "Sorry, I know I should have talked to you first but it's been a year...And to tell you the truth I've liked her, too, even when you two were dating." He told me he tried to make small advances before but my ex would brush it off but didn't pursue any further knowing she was dedicated to me. They were friends because of me and would ocassionally banter but not best of friends.

 

It just sucks. On one hand I feel betrayed but he didn't do anything wrong. I just feel nervous thinking about her dating someone else but me. I know at this point there's no fixing my mistakes that I did. How do I stop thinking like this? And what should I do if him and my ex do start dating?

 

I concur with Beached that your 'friend' is not behaving in the correct way. There is such a thing as the unspoken 'gentleman's code', at least in theory- and one of the main points of the code is that you do not go anywhere near a friend partner or wife, even if she becomes an ex. This dude's even admitting he tried it on when you and your ex were still together?

 

Come on, this is not a bro.

[carhill]

In general, IME it's more a guy code to not date or have sex with your mate's wives or girlfriends while they're alive. I do know some guys who hooked up with friend's widows or surviving partners after they died. One went on to marry the widow of his best friend after his wife and her husband died.

 

So, if a conversation were to occur or respect be shown IMO it's in the guy's ballpark.

 

I used to find the male bonding more fungible back when guys were viewed as competitors and had few male friends but as we've gotten older and bonded better I came around to the loyalty between males. Women come and go and there are billions of them.

 

In this case, OP, if your friend sees no healthy boundaries in the situation respecting your feelings, move on from him too. Time will heal the wounds from the relationships. Plenty of people in the world. Good life lesson if you ever feel the draw to a friend's wife or girlfriend and they break up or divorce. It's OK to feel. Actions have consequences. Good luck!

[wingzero]

I was just texting him. He said he was sorry, but in his head he thought it was "fair game" since I dumped her after treating her so bad in our relationship, that it was fine. He said he was rejected anyways since she didn't want to be near me (for her healing process). I told him I still loved her. And he replied, "that's funny, because while she was hurting (and still hurting), you had fun with other girls. Are you sure you really love her or is it because your plan backfired?" Not going to lie, that stung! And it's true, I wanted to see what else was out there, I didn't want to be stuck with one girl whom I was getting bored of. He later called to apologise that he got so worked up and he shouldn't have said that. He said he won't bring it up again.

 

I think our friendship will be awkward from now on. I mean he wasn't wrong what he said. But I just don't want to see her with my friends.

[Purepony]

What a scum bag I’d block that guy, some friend

[Hoosfoos]

Bros [first]. If he dates her he's not a proper friend. Drop him if he does.

Edited December 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Beachead]

I was just texting him. He said he was sorry, but in his head he thought it was "fair game" since I dumped her after treating her so bad in our relationship, that it was fine. He said he was rejected anyways since she didn't want to be near me (for her healing process). I told him I still loved her. And he replied, "that's funny, because while she was hurting (and still hurting), you had fun with other girls. Are you sure you really love her or is it because your plan backfired?" Not going to lie, that stung! And it's true, I wanted to see what else was out there, I didn't want to be stuck with one girl whom I was getting bored of. He later called to apologise that he got so worked up and he shouldn't have said that. He said he won't bring it up again.

 

I think our friendship will be awkward from now on. I mean he wasn't wrong what he said. But I just don't want to see her with my friends.

 

And you are justified to feel that way.

 

What happened between you and her doesn't justify his reasons for making advances on her during and after your relationship. He has willingly jeopardized your friendship by incorrectly assuming she was the type to date her exes friends. I'm glad she respected what you two shared and shut him down. I would seriously reconsider the role he plays in your life. In fact I wouldn't speak to him again because you'll probably never trust him again around anyone you date.

 

I also read your story. Because I have been in her shoes my whole life, I can shed some light on this for you. I may be a little blunt though so forgive me.

 

Simply put, if you loved her, you wouldn't have left..and definitely not for the reasons YOU chose to leave for. You're thinking about returning because all the other relationships you had afterwards didn't work out and now you're afraid you made a mistake. She is essentially your backup and this mindset is driven by your anxiety. It has nothing to do with love. So, returning is more for you than it is for her well-being because I can tell you even if she hasn't spoken to you since the break up, she was and has been suffering everyday with the pain and working to let go of you. If you contact her, you'll only rip open all the wounds and destroy her progress. Trust in your decision OP. You left for a reason. A second run won't go well. Especially if you left for the reasons that you did. The best thing you can do for her is to let her move on.

 

You'll be alright. Give it some time, realize that this isn't love you have for her. This is just anxiety. Continue to live your life, focus on your ambitions, and date others. Time will take care of the rest.

 

Goodluck

Edited December 10, 2017 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

Yes this sucks but also feels like a little dose of karma in a way.

I do feel bad you are going through this op but think of it as a learning experience.

 

Her turning him down, does speak to her integrity and I am sorry you lost what looks like a really great gal. I do not think she wants to reconcile, but I think honestly that is for the best as she can find someone who truly appreciates and loves her. I do see your friend's reasoning, but at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself. I would re-think being friends with this man. Even though you dumped her, she is your ex so even if you "move on", exes still have a place in our heart (unless you hate them) that will make being friends with them or having a close friend date them uncomfortable for most people (especially the dumpee or a regretful dumper). We all do things we regret in life, and this might be your cross to bear.

 

Good Luck and take care of yourself.

Edited December 10, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[wingzero]

I had a chat with my friend. I let him know what I've been feeling and how I felt about him asking my ex out. He said "I'm sorry I didn't know you wanted her off limits, I didn't know you still had feelings for her. It's just that you broke up with her so easily and saw so many chicks after. I didn't think you'd care so much I did it. I'm sorry for trying to flirt with her, at the time it was more of a playful thing." I didn't know what to say really. I was mad but he's my close friend and he's never done me wrong like this. He goes on saying "I'm sorry, from now on she's off limits. I won't even talk to her anymore if that'll make it feel better". I said they still could be friends because they got a long before and after the break up and I didn't want to stop their friendship.

 

I think I feel better after this. He did seem sincere...I have to weigh things out, too. He's been a good friend to me, and this was his only big hiccup. I lost someone I loved, I don't want to lose a good friend.

[DarrenB]

Your anxiety is sky-high at this point in time, but I'm almost certain as soon as you come to that realization that she is no longer yours and the more you think about her with someone else, it'll become a lot easier.

 

That's called acceptance my friend, and you will have that.