No sex for years despite counselling

[Sakkie]

Hi All apologies in advance for the long post!! My wife and I met 9 years ago I fell head over heels. When we first started sleeping together she said she was using some sticks to pee on to see when se was fertile She got pregnant very quickly, after a “mistake”, about 6 weeks after we first slept together, even though I was uncomfortable with the idea I raised the question of an abortion but she said she could never do that.

 

We didn’t know each other very well so the relationship was very rocky with a small child in the mix and I felt totally excluded, she through herself into being a mum, and has always been an amazing mum! We did not have a good relationship and sex just dwindled into very rare occasions I was a total AH about this and got cross, shouted, didn’t show much affection or understanding and were generally distant and we drifted even further apart.

 

About 3 ½ years ago I went to counselling and pulled myself together, I started managing my moods better and don’t fly off the handle anymore, at first there was some relapse but now haven’t done so for over a year. (She can be equally volatile at times, but will very quickly try and make up) whilst I used to be moody for ages.

 

I understand that our physical relationship was damaged by the way I behaved so tried to convince her we should go and see a marriage councillor, she didn’t want to do this and said everything is OK and should just be happy with what I get, what I was getting was once a month on a good run but quite often months would pass by with no sex. 8 months ago I managed to finally convince her to go to counselling. During this time we have worked really hard, and had made some progress with communication and trying to understand each other. We started Sensate focus about 4 months ago and at the start it was good and she was up for the touching etc.

 

Now we are on the 3rd stage-sex-she has an excuse for every possible opportunity, we have only had sex once in the last month. And was the same the previous months between counselling

 

She blames me being away for work for us being unconnected hence the no sex, I am away for work quite bit, 9 nights in the last month, but that still leaves 22 other nights I have been home, of those she has gone to sleep with our 8 year old son 8 nights from the start because she has been too tired to wake up in the middle of the night as he comes and get her every night- we have spoken about this at counselling as I feel a couple not sleeping together regularly is unhealthy.

 

I have also since we met and through the counselling found out she has been constantly in (sexual) relationships since she was 14 until 36 when she took a year and ½ out before meeting me, they have all been quite crazy party 420 people whilst I am probably quiet dull in comparison (- but a good provider?), guess its fair to say I am jealous of her exes. I have also found out that she had 5 abortions, but she don’t know that I know.

 

She had told me she had never wanted children with anyone before and I was the only one she felt comfortable with so had been carful in the past. I also found the pee-stick a few months later after our boy was born, still in their wrapper but I have never confronted her as we were very shaky then.

 

She has got a great personality, really soft gentle person and when she is great she is amazing but that is reserved for her friends, I know in a relationship you see the worst of each other but sometimes you need some of the good you to your partner as well right? But to be fair this all makes me pretty miserable so I am grumpy as well even though I try and be happy and jolly even after being away and tired but she is constantly tired when I get back, which I can understand having to juggle a lot when I am away.

 

I want to make this work but I cannot be happy with sex only once a month and that is with the encouragement of the counselling what will happen when we stop that or am I just too impatient?

Many thanks for reading and would really appreciate your thoughts to help get clarity!

Edited December 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you need to roll it back from the 3rd stage of the counselling and absolutely express this clearly in your counselling.

 

Are you jumping to 3rd stage being all important and forgetting to keep up that which you learned in stages 1 & 2?

 

What did stages 1 & 2 teach you?

[4fin]

5 abortions? Complete awareness of when she's fertile? Sounds intentional to me on your end and completely irresponsible with at least 4 of the 5 previous abortions or 5 out of 6 total. Does she want sex the 1 time a month or every other month you have it or is it to appease you? That doesn't sound like a marriage I would want any part of. good luck

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have SO many questions I need answered before I can weigh in with a thoughtful response!

 

So let me get this straight...she was using a fertility test as birth control??

[Sakkie]

Sounds like you need to roll it back from the 3rd stage of the counselling and absolutely express this clearly in your counselling.

 

Are you jumping to 3rd stage being all important and forgetting to keep up that which you learned in stages 1 & 2?

 

What did stages 1 & 2 teach you?

 

Hi Gemma thanks for your reply, I have tried to say shall we just go and cuddle and do stage 1, (we didn't do stage 2 as she said "I dont do oral anymore did that with previous guys an dont like it anymore" and she dont really liek me doing it to her either) but she is always too tired or just go and sleep with our 8 year old son.

[Sakkie]

5 abortions? Complete awareness of when she's fertile? Sounds intentional to me on your end and completely irresponsible with at least 4 of the 5 previous abortions or 5 out of 6 total. Does she want sex the 1 time a month or every other month you have it or is it to appease you? That doesn't sound like a marriage I would want any part of. good luck

 

Thanks for the reply, guess I wasn't clear. Yes she said she was using this ting called PERSONA that is supposed to alert you when you are and aren't fertile but found that later still sealed in cellophane. But wasn't sure if she had another one and as I said we were arguing a lot anyway so didn't raise it at the time (shortly after our now 8 year old was born)

Re abortions she didn't have an abortion when we have been together, I found out 3 months ago, she had 5 before we were together with previous boyfriends, she told me she has always been careful in previous relationships as with them having a child never felt right but I made her feel safe.

Re sex she says she wants to do it more when we talk but is then just always too tired, or not in the mood, or have to do some work when the opportunity is there or opportunities don't seem to arise

 

Hope that makes more sense now?

[Sakkie]

Hi Gemma thanks for your reply, I have tried to say shall we just go and cuddle and do stage 1, (we didn't do stage 2 as she said "I dont do oral anymore did that with previous guys an dont like it anymore" and she dont really liek me doing it to her either) but she is always too tired or just go and sleep with our 8 year old son.

 

Hi same reply as to a previous question but not sure how a forum work so here goes again. Yes she said she was using this thing called PERSONA that is supposed to alert you when you are and aren't fertile but found later still sealed in cellophane hidden in a drawer. But wasn't sure if she had another one and as I said we were arguing a lot anyway so didn't raise it at the time (shortly after our now 8 year old was born)

I have mentioned to our councillor in private but she said probably not worth opening old wounds as it most likely that it will drive us further apart. I do wnat to make it work, we all make mistakes and she is not a malicious person!

[Sakkie]

Ah just figured out the quick reply button! PS like the Forest quote I sometimes feel that is me to a T!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Wow. I hope I don't need to remind you what a horrible idea that was - using an ovulation kit as a form of birth control *smh*

 

Clearly safe sex is not something either of you practiced and/or think safe sex only means no pregnancy, in which case you failed miserably.

 

It's clear your wife has a very colorful past and for whatever reason, lied to you about how colorful it really was.

 

As for the problem at hand, it's hard to give a thoughtful response when we have no idea what's going on your wife's head but the optics of this looks like she got what she wanted from you...a child.

 

One and done kind of thing.

 

For whatever reason, unlike the many men before you and the 5 abortions, you were the chosen one.

 

I'm not sure how to really consult on this except to encourage you to seek couples counselling. It's awesome that you're getting help and working on yourself but I can tell you from experience, working on yourself while remaining in an unfulfilling relationship that lacks intimacy with someone who refuses to work on the issues that plague your relationship is pretty much writing on the wall.

 

There is no fixing this unless you're BOTH in it with both feet and working on it TOGETHER!

 

You can take that to the bank my friend.

[GemmaUK]

Hi Gemma thanks for your reply, I have tried to say shall we just go and cuddle and do stage 1, (we didn't do stage 2 as she said "I dont do oral anymore did that with previous guys an dont like it anymore" and she dont really liek me doing it to her either) but she is always too tired or just go and sleep with our 8 year old son.

 

Then you have gone back to before stage 1, yes?

The point where sex and intimacy doesn't some into it but shared responsibilities does?

How is that going?

 

You keep talking about sex - you do know there is a lot more to a happy sex life than sex/intimacy, yes?

[Steve51]

My wife had a novel solution to the same problem, she invited her girlfriend to have sex with me and then I asked my wife to join in. We ended up living as a poly triad for the next 30 years. The advantage I had was that my wife and all the girls she knew in town considered me as a hot looking guy. I played football, have a high IQ, combat vet, sense of humor and make in the top 5% of income earners in the US. Not bragging, just telling you why my wife is motivated to make sure that I am sexually satisfied and knows how easily I can find it elsewhere. Her solution is not for everyone but I refuse to be unhappy in my marriage and my wife as looked the other way a half a dozen times while I sexually satisfied myself with others when she did not want to. It worked for us.

[DKT3]

Sounds to me like you're wife decided this relationship would not be based on sex like her previous ones were. Nothing wrong with her making that decision, except the part where she forgot to tell you.

 

Listen, truth of the matter is, it simply doesn't sound like she is sexually attracted to you. No amount of therapy will help that. The question from there is, what are you will to SETTLE for in keeping this marriage intact?

 

Seems to me, she does just enough to keep you around. Sex once a month, if you're lucky and her saying basically be happy you're getting that doesn't sound like a woman interested in a man beyond"keeping him round".

[MJJean]

So, she had 5 abortions, but kept your kid, eh? Maybe because she wanted a better provider than the yahoos she was partying with as father for her kid. She has sex with you to get pregnant, refused to abort, and now has you on the hook for 18 years. Oh, and she doesn't do with or for you what she was doing left, right, and center with others? To top it off, she sleeps with the kid and has 1,000 excuses why she can't have sex with you?

 

Yeah, man, you're the beta-bucks she doesn't want sexually, but really likes financially. Either accept she isn't into you and get a divorce or accept your sexless marriage.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Im glad someone else said it instead of me... You are the beta safety zone after the carousel. You bought a used 30,000km tire with only 5K left of life on it.

 

She hooked you with a kid, a child not born out of love but financial security. Lame-o! I say take the hit, pay child support, and be a good dad....Away from the woman.

[central]

Time to move on. This situation is not going to change, because she doesn't want it to. She'll try to keep you, but not very hard. She may try harder if you prepare to leave, but that won't last, and then back to status quo.

[elaine567]

I think her sexual desire for you is nil, and unless you can think of some reason why that should be, and can address that, then you are on a hiding to nothing.

She went through the motions, now she doesn't even want to do that.

 

Yes you may have been the beta provider, but when the sex dwindled after the baby your actions probably did kill any sexual desire she may have had for you stone dead.

People, and often men, say "I was this horrible person but I have now changed..."

However the truth is that once the feelings of trust, safety and comfort have gone due to bad behaviour, all that is left is often resentment, any "change" is all too little too late.

Women do not tend to forget.

[DKT3]

I think her sexual desire for you is nil, and unless you can think of some reason why that should be, and can address that, then you are on a hiding to nothing.

She went through the motions, now she doesn't even want to do that.

 

Yes you may have been the beta provider, but when the sex dwindled after the baby your actions probably did kill any sexual desire she may have had for you stone dead.

People, and often men, say "I was this horrible person but I have now changed..."

However the truth is that once the feelings of trust, safety and comfort have gone due to bad behaviour, all that is left is often resentment, any "change" is all too little too late.

Women do not tend to forget.

 

So it's all his fault that his wife lies and appears to be using him?

[elaine567]

So it's all his fault that his wife lies and appears to be using him?

I didn't say it was ALL his fault and yes I agree she may see him as a provider.

 

I was only picking up on the admission he made about being a total AH over lack of sex in the past, which may be very pertinent if we were to ask her opinion on this.

There is more to be considered here than "She is a horrible human being for not giving him sex", surely?

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey, Thanks for sharing here! I can see why you are frustrated with this situation! You have been looking for ways to improve yourself: individual therapy to work on your personal issues and working to convince your wife to join therapy with the hope of improving your marriage. Have you had the opportunity to confront your wife with your therapist about all the things that you are uncomfortable with in your marriage? For your marriage to work, it is important that you both want to make it work. I see that you are willing to work. Do you think that your wife is as committed as you are? You need to make some important decisions for your own benefit and of your family. Talk to your therapist and the people that you trust. With help, you will be able to plan your next step!