Should I call her?

[adebi]

On a journey overseas I met a girl and when I came back home we kept on touch daily, as the months passed we visited each other several times, and we engaged a LDR. To make it true, we plan a goal which was that I would go to her country to live with and marry her following their customs. Previously I would make some visits more for a few months to test myself in her country and also getting everything ready.

 

I did some visits to her country again but nearer the date more depressed I was:*I started to experience many feelings as an enormous sense of guilt for abandoning my mother who’s a widow, getting older and in part she’s somehow dependent of me because of her mental illness.*Feeling of huge fear because in her culture families are formed from very early years, between 20 and 26 y.o. and she’s 30 y.o.*The idea of she to coming here was discarded because she doesn’t like my country, which complicates it too much when it comes to adapt, and also in my country It could be more complicated, because the standard of living is much higher.*

 

Despite all that I kept firm with my decision and I kept dealing with all those feelings alone, we met a few times more and I did all the things and paperwork I had to do.*Everything went well until I made the last visit there. Since the second day I was in a terrible state of shock and anxiety due to the pressure. I felt ashamed too because I’m a serious person, with strong values and I was giving a terrible image there. I just wanted to do my best and showed myself as I am. But was too late, I was devastated.*I'm not naive, my major concerns when I made the choice were mostly to find work, language, culture, paperwork, money, also knew that I should struggle with homesick and stay active to avoid depressions and feelings of emptiness… but I never thought it was going to be smashed by a supernova of negative feelings and the worst, I wasn’t able to control it!

 

All my worries is about her future, because in her country the customs doesn’t allow affairs as could be in western culture. It can’t be so easy as go-and-try, it must to be go-and-marry-her-first, marry her isn’t the problem of course but I’m afraid if I can’t find a job or adapt the rest of life there what’s next, leave her there near forties as a older-single-loser woman as her culture rules? I really was afraid of let her down.*After a few weeks of my return I broke up with her because I couldn’t take it anymore, I was too scared to go ahead and won’t be able to control those feelings so I preferred to put me away and let her free.*

 

It have been about ten months since then and I'm still missing her so bad as the first day. The latest weeks I have felt tempted to contact her again and assuming that she’d accept to hear what I have to say.*Did I do well let her free for a better future or should I being reckless*and go there with her and don’t care about nothing?*

 

I appreciate your feedback, and please, feel free to comment about. Thanks in advance!*

[Frostedflake]

Life isn't like the movies.

 

You don't get to waltz into another country, marry the girl, and it all be peachy keen. There are forms, there is government and law, a matter of process and timing, money, and her own freewill. How do you know she'll respond well to this grand gesture of flying over there and proposing? She doesn't seem all that willing to bend to you unless there's something in it for her because she "doesn't like your country" so you have to make all the sacrifices.

 

I feel like you're overlooking a lot of red flags.

Anyone who puts you in a situation where you're PANICKING saying, "I gotta do something. I gotta. Or I'll lose her and I'll lose this.." is probably not good for you. There should be mutual respect and compromise. You're about to throw whatever you have to the wind for her, and while that's Hollywood romantic, it's not reality. You can't make it on love alone.

[adebi]

Hi Frostedflake,

 

Sorry but it's a long history to write in a few lines and maybe I should add one highlight more... my apologies!

 

The truth is the last time we talked we discussed about that and for the first time she told me she wanted to come here but I refused the idea just because I felt desperation in her words like she wanted to come just for me not for her, like aware that she doesn't really like the idea. To me it looks like in short term would be pleasant but in long term it might brings us a lot of pain. I can see her like as a withered rose here, married with the man she loves but feeling miserable at the same time. Furthermore I know she's more attach to her relatives than I'm with mine (I just suffered for my mom and just one relative hurts a lot). So I rejected that because I don't want such future for her.

 

So, the only chance (just in the case) is me to go there. In her customs being together must to be for life so this is a one round ticket. I've no doubt about her and her commitment and determination that she has but I'm worried if I'll be able to stand there for life so far in a country so different from mine, assuming I can stabilise myself (employment, paperworks, etc). I'm really afraid about within a few years feel trapped in her country and I don't want to be selfish and let her down if any of my worries show up.

 

I agree with you what you said about the movies because when I told about our plan to my people and relatives they saw that like piece of cake, but I knew since the first day it's gonna be very hard and rocky. I made the decision very quietly. What I didn't expect under a tsunami of bad feelings... Obviously I was broken due the pressure, too many things in my mind to deal with, and perhaps the main mistake was running too fast with everything, for example, introducing me to her relatives as formal bf (and future husband for their customs) before to go definitely there and find a employment...

 

So the point is that I don't want to be wrong and play around with her life but at the same time I can't forget her, I've never met someone like her in my whole life.

 

Thank you!