LDR between American woman and Pakistani man

[Dazzel]

Yeah, I know the thread title itself throws up all kinds of red flags.

 

This guy is actually living in Dubai though, because he doesn't like his home country.

 

I am probably not gonna hear what I WANT to hear, but probably what I NEED to hear. I am just really lonely emotionally when it comes to that special someone. Everyone within a 40 mile radius of me seems to be horrible or not interested.

 

I met him on a dating site where a lot of international people are. He messaged me first and said he would like to get to know me.

 

We've been talking for a week and a half. We've video chatted several times and he messages me like crazy. I hate to say it, but it is both annoying and flattering.

 

Let's start with the good first, I suppose.

 

We are close in age. I am 30, he 31.

 

He doesn't like the way Pakistan treats women. He doesn't believe a woman should be enslaved to her husband and he believes in only one wife. He even warned me not to go to Pakistan because not only is it not safe in general, it is not safe for me as a woman.

 

He does not like women in his country because all they want is money, which is why he is looking elsewhere.

 

He is very charming and smiles and laughs a lot. Not to mention he is good looking. He seems extremely genuine and honest when video chatting and messaging. His English isn't perfect but it's pretty good for someone who doesn't speak it as their first language.

 

He is a very hard worker and I know he is not lying about his job. He often video chats me while at work. He works in a bubble tea shop in Dubai and I have watched him in action. He says he is poor and is humble about it, and seems self conscious. He also has good work ethic and works six 12 hour days a week.

 

He was going to get a visa, not by trying to marry me like many, but on his own. It costs too much. He only makes the equavelent of like......$420 American dollars a month. He is looking for a better job. It is a weird law in Dubai where you have to be in a job for six months before you can find something better. He is a university graduate, or so he says. I would have to go visit him first. I know Dubai is a safe city and a huge tourist area. I would not meet him anywhere but a public area. So he did have intentions of visiting me first and doing it on his own.

 

He also does not care, even though he is a Muslim, that I have a different belief than him. I told him I am not necessarily Christian either, which Muslims can be with. He seemed to accept it.

 

A lot of Pakistani men are very close to their families so much that their mom determines who they marry. However, it doesn't seem like he is domineered by them.

 

He is concerned about my well being. He is always asking me if I ate breakfast because I always skip that meal. He "lectures" me if I don't.

 

I am pretty sure he doesn't have a family he is hiding from me because I have seen his apartment, his work, and he spends every damn waking moment of his free time messaging me and it drives me nuts sometimes, lol. But his messages are sometimes cute so I overlook it.

 

 

Now for the bad things.

 

He lives halfway across the world.

 

And all the good things are if he is being honest.

 

He just brought the idea of marriage up two days ago and says he is in love with me. He says he wants to marry me someday. I told him to slow down, but he really feels that way. I LIKE him and feel I could grow to really get into him more. But he needs to slow his roll.

 

It could be months before I get down there and he wants to visit me now. I think he has this impression that Americans are all wealthy and I can hop on a plane tomorrow and go see him. You know this isn't how it works. It could be months. He said he is willing to wait.

 

I am also concerned as to why someone as good-looking as him wants someone like me. The pics in my profile aren't recent. I am about 30-40 lbs heavier. Those are old photos. He says I am beautiful but there is no way someone like him would want me. I am flat out fugly.

 

In conclusion, I do not think he is a bad guy, or that the whole thing is bad. I just don't know how it would work but I want it to. But I have been played very hard before. I don't want to do it again, nor do I want to lead him on. I don't feel any dangerous red flags, I just think he is rushing headfirst into something and he will end up hurt and I will feel like the jerk.

 

Has anyone heard any success stories with guys from his country? I know they are stereotyped as bad. Not all of them are. I have a friend from that country and he is a great guy. So stereotypes are just that.....stereotypes.

 

Any comments or input would be appreciated. Thank you.

[carhill]

Thanks for a very comprehensive account.

 

Did the international dating thing back before the internet really took off. Basic e-mail and simple stuff and pictures were a bonus.

 

Only way to know is to go. If he doesn't have the means to visit you, you'll need to visit him. Dubai is a very modern city. No problems there, no more so than any other big city.

 

If all that seems too complicated, stick to local stuff. Long-distance isn't for everyone. The lady I almost married lived in Odessa, yeah that city on the Black Sea. Long trips. Not cheap. Time consuming. Not for everyone. Up to you. Good luck!

[amaysngrace]

I know a couple men from Pakistan and just like American men they are each different.

 

One tells fortunes for free in his spare time and the other owns car dealerships and married and has a family with an American.

 

I'm not sure what you want to know exactly. Is your man moving too fast and possibly playing you? Could be.

[Dazzel]

I know a couple men from Pakistan and just like American men they are each different.

 

One tells fortunes for free in his spare time and the other owns car dealerships and married and has a family with an American.

 

I'm not sure what you want to know exactly. Is your man moving too fast and possibly playing you? Could be.

 

Thank you and carhill for the responses.

 

I guess that is my main concern. If I am being played. I feel I am good at reading people, and when I see him on video chat he seems very honest, caring, and genuine. I video chatted someone from Egypt the other day and he gave me the creeps. This guy gives me a fluttery, happy feeling.

 

I forgot one more good thing. Or at least I think it is good. He is concerned what my family thinks of him, and my best friend. Like, what I have told them about him. And he isn't pervy on the video chat and he does not mind at all if I video chat him in front of my parents from time to time. That seems to bother men sometimes. Makes me think he may not be playing me.

 

I guess I am also looking for happy endings people can share to make me feel better and continue to feel butterflies when talking to him.

 

I do realize I sound like a moron, but it's the flat out truth.

[jay1983]

$420 a month? Isn't Dubai crazy expensive?

[Minnie09]

$420 a month? Isn't Dubai crazy expensive?

 

Yes, it is for tourists and for the rich. But it’s a two-class society. The rich people don’t work, they just invest, and those who work are immigrants from India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, etc. And they don’t live the lifestyle that the natives live, believe me.

[carhill]

Yes, very familiar. The lady I was dating in Odessa made about 150 bucks (US equivalent) a month working as an ER doc in the local hospital. The difference there was, save for a few rich people and crooks, everyone was poor. In Dubai, there's the immigrants and servants and the natives who have oil money.

 

TBH, I wouldn't get all wound up in the nuances. Nothing will happen unless either you or he get on a plane. Somebody needs to own that. Else it'll just be a keyboard romance.

 

I ran into players in Russia and Ukraine. That's why I had a trusted driver and interpreter. They watched out for me. They also paid the cops bribes Players and scams are part of the risk of these kinds of deals. Make a decision. That's my .02.

[Dazzel]

I guess based on this I should proceed with caution. The only thing I could end up with potentially is disappointment and maybe a broken heart. I want to trust him more before I take a trip to Dubai. At least the vast amounts of tourists means he cannot pull something fishy. Besides, it will be a while before I can visit. If he likes me he can wait.

 

I guess I can enjoy a cute guy being "attracted" to me for a while, even if he is far away.

 

But more happy stories would make for a happy Dazzel.

[jjgitties]

$420 a month? Isn't Dubai crazy expensive?

 

Yes. its very expensive. But Dubai imports cheap low paid labor and I hear they live in very poor housing conditions.

 

I guess based on this I should proceed with caution. The only thing I could end up with potentially is disappointment and maybe a broken heart. I want to trust him more before I take a trip to Dubai. At least the vast amounts of tourists means he cannot pull something fishy. Besides, it will be a while before I can visit. If he likes me he can wait.

 

I guess I can enjoy a cute guy being "attracted" to me for a while, even if he is far away.

 

But more happy stories would make for a happy Dazzel.

 

Dear OP, I will try to post and try my best to not make this sound racist.

 

I know a lot of Indian and Pakistani people as I have gone to school with them and as I am in a major metropolitan city that is very multicultural and there are lots of Asians and South East Asians here, along with many other cultures.

 

I will post based on my own personal experience and knowledge. And as always, you take that with a grain of salt as its by no means an indicator of what all the people are like. For obvious reasons, Pakistan has 200 million people and there are probably a gazzilion different types of people and families and also gazillion types of Pakistani people Westerners have never had any exposure to.

 

From my experience, as in any culture, there are the liberal and the more traditional conservative ones in the society. The liberal ones will be more Western inclined in their attitudes and dress and the traditional ones are going to be very much stuck in their beliefs and attitudes. The only things that doesn't quite add up in your story is -- the liberal Pakistani's I have known are usually the "richer" ones in the culture that are from urban cities and can afford to be liberal in their beliefs and attitudes. They tend to send their kids to good schools and are well educated and tend to work middle to upper class jobs. The more traditional ones are the poorer more conservative ones from rural areas.

 

Of the ones I have known well, which are mostly the liberal ones, even they have actually turned out to be quite traditional in their choices when it came to choosing wives and weddings and so on. These were people that I went to high school and university with, partied, drank, went to clubs with and so on when i was younger. You would have thought some of these guys and girls would have maybe married white or intermixed or something -- but strangely, all of them wound up following their parents tradition and marrying Pakistanis and having very traditional Pakistani weddings.

 

What doesn't add up is that this fellow sounds very liberal but he doesn't sound like he's from a rich family or well education. Not sure what to make of it.

 

The only other thing I can pass along is, beware, lots of poorer temp non-resident immigrants from Philippines and Pakistan and other Asians countries are constantly on the hunt to try to nab an American or Canadian woman to try to get a quick and easy citizenship and immigration into US or Canada.

 

Anyways, good luck with what ever comes of this.

[Dazzel]

jjgitties I don't think this is racist at all. I have actually read this myself. I have tried asking at Pakistani forums about the same thing I asked here, in a way that would not offend them. But I could not find any. Hence asking for second opinions here.

 

I hate that people fake a relationship to get citizenship. That's a really low thing to do.

[jjgitties]

I hate that people fake a relationship to get citizenship. That's a really low thing to do.

 

Its been around since the dawn of time. Well, okay, maybe exagerating a bit, but its been around since I was a kid. Did you ever hear the term "maganda"? Thats the name for the young dudes in Europe who hang around the beaches in Italy and Greece. They wear gold chains and speedos and go around looking for American female tourists they can can sex with so they can get then to fall in love with them and then get an easy free US citizenship.

 

Anyways, not saying this fellow is that. It's just going to be hard to get to know who he really is given he is all the way in Dubai of all places. You sure you can't just find a single guy that goes to the local sports bar? It would be so much easier and less complicated.

[ExpatInItaly]

He just brought the idea of marriage up two days ago and says he is in love with me. He says he wants to marry me someday.

 

So he is in love with a stranger on the other side of the world after chatting for what, 7 days?

 

Run. Run like the wind and don't look back.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think he is one of the ones after an American visa.

Edited December 12, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[justwhoiam]

jjgitties already gave you a good perspective.

 

So he is in love with a stranger on the other side of the world after chatting for what, 7 days?

I can take that, it can happen. But proposing after 10 days of talking to someone on the other side of the world you've never met?? Red flag.

 

Everyone within a 40 mile radius of me seems to be horrible or not interested.

Expand the radius! Don't you have a friend with whom you can visit another city? For some show, or exhibition, or whatever?

 

He messaged me first and said he would like to get to know me.

This to me sounds like a man with a purpose. He targeted you based on age and location.

 

he messages me like crazy. I hate to say it, but it is both annoying and flattering.

That's how you pursue a woman in his culture. You stick to it (target) until you get what you want.

 

He doesn't like the way Pakistan treats women.

He knows too well that he can only have a chance with you if he doesn't sound like an extremist. Or you'd run away. What he said about himself can be true, or partially true, or a giant lie.

 

He does not like women in his country because all they want is money, which is why he is looking elsewhere.

Now this has me wondering. If he comes from a rural area and he's poor, I doubt all the women are looking for the rich. Moreover, most of them don't even have any say as to whom they will marry. It's likely he's the one who is looking to get comfortable financially. And marrying a poor woman who will not work anyway will be just more burden on his shoulders. That's not gonna happen with you for sure, unless he's rich (and he said he's not) or he wins the lottery. Why? Because first you need to assess what kind of education he had and, based on that, what kind of job he'd be able to do in the U.S. Maybe his degree is worth nothing in the U.S. and he needs to do it all over again, from scratch. That's gonna cost a mortgage. Or he can work at Subway, or McDonald's, you figure that out. Nothing wrong with that, but most men wouldn't work such jobs long term till retirement. And you'd be striving with such wage.

 

He was going to get a visa, not by trying to marry me like many, but on his own.

Sounds funny. So that was on his mind even before he started talking to you. We knew, but it's good that it said it himself, so there are no speculations about it. Nevertheless, he targeted you on a dating website. Maybe you can tell him you're willing to date him when he gets his VISA. Or is he waiting for when Trump will lose his seat? Oh wait, he can speed up the process a bit if you two get married. Guess what, maybe he cannot enter the U.S. and gets the idea of marrying you in Dubai!

 

He is a university graduate

Ask him a copy of his degree. Check whatever he says. Ask him to send you a copy of his passport. I do think 10 days is too little time for anything, honestly. But well, what do I know. There are also people meeting up from Craigslist.

 

I would have to go visit him first

So are you ready to embark on this? Be the one putting in all the money? Effort? Taking time off work, etc? Fly all over the world to meet a guy you suspect is showing an interest in you just because he's after a better lifestyle? We can't blame him, as he's currently making $1.45 per hour at 31, with a degree. But at this point, I'd pass, giving this chance to a richer lady. Because you don't seem to be that well off.

 

He also does not care, even though he is a Muslim, that I have a different belief than him.

That's just unwise to say or even think. For a thousands reasons.

 

I told him I am not necessarily Christian either, which Muslims can be with. He seemed to accept it.

What does that mean "not necessarily Christian"? You are on odd days? You meant you're not a fervent churchgoer? What exactly?

 

A lot of Pakistani men are very close to their families so much that their mom determines who they marry. However, it doesn't seem like he is domineered by them.

Don't underestimate the power of family, tradition, religion, culture. It's all part of one's identity.

 

I am pretty sure he doesn't have a family he is hiding from me because I have seen his apartment

Many men from poor countries leave the family to earn their bread. Then they send out money to the family every month. It's a very common thing for workers in "Western" countries coming from the Philippines, Ukraine, Moldova, Pakistan, etc. At times, they remain separated for 5 years or so. I know most marriages of people from Eastern European countries fall apart in the process (when women are leaving the family). In the case of muslim workers, it's males leaving home, and they try to reunite the whole family in the new country.

 

I have worked with Pakistani men. They'd bring their families here and often share a small apartment that would soon get jam-packed with several families at once. In my experience, they are hard workers, very flexible with work, showing they can adapt to most situations, but they can hardly integrate. Very strong on their beliefs. They were the sole breadwinners in the family not for lack of opportunity, but for choice. Women must stay at home. Some were somewhat progressive, and their wives could go out by themselves, for a stroll in the park, taking the kids out, or go shopping. But they are not all like that. Some only allow their women to go out if an appropriate male family member can accompany them (this can be the wife's father, the wife's brother, the husband himself and few other options).

I remember there were conflicts with other workers, as to how they perform hygiene tasks. Not to be too graphic, but they'd keep water bottles ready in the toilets, and they were not to drink. They wouldn't use toilet paper. I'd have many more anecdotes about ramadan and other things, that I could write a book.

The sense of it all, by talking to them, is that they were not here for the lifestyle, but to go back full of money to live like lords in their own land. So that's probably why they don't mingle.

Obviously, my perspective is about labor workers who were born and raised abroad, and essentially came here just to make some money.

 

Professionals can follow a totally different path. Like doctors, for instance.

 

The man you're talking to might disapprove of some of the rules in his country, but I guess he wouldn't disobey most of them. They have social backlash.

 

It could be months before I get down there and he wants to visit me now.

He might need a written invitation from you to get into the USA. Are you will to go forward with that, with a man you barely know? Honestly, I'd rather be charitable with poor children in need than with a grown man, if I have to choose where to put my money. I'm not saying he's not worth it, though. I'm just saying: be cautious, because it looks like he's after something, and many things he said or did are red flags to me.

 

I am also concerned as to why someone as good-looking as him wants someone like me. The pics in my profile aren't recent. I am about 30-40 lbs heavier. Those are old photos. He says I am beautiful but there is no way someone like him would want me. I am flat out fugly.

Odd things happen, so that is not impossible. Also, I haven't seen you, so I can't tell if it's just your perception about your own looks or what. Please also consider that muslims (just like many men from other cultures) can separate lust (a sexy woman) from duty (family), and welcome them both separately. It looks like you've been picked for the latter.

[alphamale]

stay away from Pakistani/indian men

[d0nnivain]

Caution is the operative word here for any OLR. This is not yet an LDR because you haven't met. It's only virtual. That can be very addictive . . . having somebody there to talk, to listen, to make you feel special, even if you can't have any of the physical stuff.

 

There is a lot to consider given all of the logistical problems.

 

Don't get too far ahead of yourself & don't stop seeking a more local connection. When you do meet then you can determine if this is worth trying to deal with all the other issues: religion, immigration, cultural etc.

 

For now enjoy talking to him but keep your emotions in check. Until you meet this is just a fantasy.

[carhill]

OP, regardless of what results with this guy, if you do consider the international thing in the future, I found the ex-pat test to effectively weed out the K1-K3 scammers pretty well. Show enthusiasm about exploring a move to their locale and see what results.

[Dazzel]

OP, regardless of what results with this guy, if you do consider the international thing in the future, I found the ex-pat test to effectively weed out the K1-K3 scammers pretty well. Show enthusiasm about exploring a move to their locale and see what results.

 

Actually, he brought that up. He said Dubai is a great city and once I visit him I will be enthralled and want to stay there with him. He said if I like him in person I could live in Dubai with him.

 

I started telling him how close I am to my family, then he said he cannot take me away. So initially, he suggested I move there.

 

 

I read each and every response and thoroughly thought about this. I know one of my fatal flaws is I give the benefit of the doubt too much.

 

I am an extremely analytical person. I found his facebook. He types English on it sometimes. He seems to be the same personality on there who talks to me.

 

Thanks all who took time to respond. I am really unsure what to do right now. But I am not gonna make any moves to meet him anytime soon. I will just enjoy the 'relationship' as it is.....just realize it is a fantasy.

 

He wants to meet my parents on video chat for some reason too and I dunno why.....

 

Oh, and I am sorry it took me a bit to get back to this thread. I have an immediate family member who is getting ready to go through a surgery (he was critically injured last year) and I have spent a lot of time with him at the doctor's and hospital.

 

Thanks again everyone for the responses.

 

Oh and to the person who asked about my religion, I am an Agnostic who leans toward the existence of a God of sorts.

[d0nnivain]

I'd keep your parents out of this until after you meet him in person. They don't need to be video chatting with some guy you haven't decided to meet IRL yet

[Els]

So he is in love with a stranger on the other side of the world after chatting for what, 7 days?

 

Run. Run like the wind and don't look back.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think he is one of the ones after an American visa.

 

Pretty much this. There are plenty of genuine international LDRs - they don't start off like this.

 

I mean, honestly, even if you met some dude at a bar IRL and 7 days later he keeps talking about getting married, would you REALLY want to date him? Clearly there would be a few cups missing in the cupboard or an ulterior motive. What makes this any different?

[carhill]

OP, has he discussed at all what part of Pakistan his family resides in or, if no longer there, where they live? Has he discussed his family much?

 

I tend to align with the caution you shared, as others do, about him moving too fast. That might be cultural, IDK. I do know, in general, overall in life, the guys where were direct and speedy in their lust seemed to do better with women than guys like myself who were more circumspect and deliberate, or 'slow' as some ladies I dated pointed out. I can see signs of that in your responses, even with caution exhibited. His fervor excites you on some level.

 

Now, if you were serious and flexible, I can see some slots from the west coast US to DXB in early January for about 400 bucks one way. I usually do international longhaul on miles since it's a better deal but that's not bad. Layover in Denmark at CPH and done. Back when I was doing it I called it one sleep and I'm there. Same with all the overnight trains in Europe and Asia. Up to you. If you're not adventurous in general, I'd shelve the whole deal. If you are, there are ways.