Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?

[Els]

I don't know whether you realize it but some things you say come out in a way that makes me wonder whether you really love your wife, it's the second time today I get this feeling from you. I'm older than your step-daughter and I'm married but my mom is your wife's age and my step-father is your age. If something would happen and I would have to live with my mother again for some time later in life I can't imagine my step-father talking about me this way. I don't know, I may be too sensitive. Plus you didn't reply to my post and I'm wondering whether what I wrote hurts you too much to address it.

 

It's normal for parents to want to see their adults kids turn into adults. We're not talking about someone who just got into a car accident and lost their job who had to live with mum and dad for a year or so before she got back on her feet. We're talking about someone who has done this all her life and displays zero motivation to leave.

 

The longer this goes on, the worse it'll be for the kid, and the more difficult it'll be for them to launch into adulthood. Which they will eventually have to do, because mum and dad won't be around forever.

[OneLov]

Its a tough subject to communicate about, when I get grumpy and withdrawn she sometimes gets angry with me and will say from her point of view I give her the feeling that "If you can't put your dick in me than I'm useless to you, our marriage just boils down to a **** or you can't be happy, we should be more than that to each other"

 

OP,

 

I don’t know if this has been suggested yet, but if I were you, I’d want to explore why she feels this way.

[BluesPower]

Why is it the case that, especially with men in a near sexless marriage, it is always HIM that wants sex too much. He is the one with the issue.

 

Who are we, and who is the wife or husband, to say he or she wants too much sex.

 

How can anyone say that twice a month maybe should be enough for you. What, 12 times a year is enough??? Hell I have sex 12 every weekend.

 

Why is it the person that wants sex somehow the one with the problem.

 

Further, I know people in this exact type of situation that agreed that an open relationship was fine so the other person could get their needs met.

 

This situation is not right. He works, he loves his wife, he does most of the housework, he takes care of her when she is sick.

 

What else should he do for his wife to WANT to have sex?

[SummerDreams]

This situation is not right. He works, he loves his wife, he does most of the housework, he takes care of her when she is sick.

 

What else should he do for his wife to WANT to have sex?

 

Brain surgery. Because in my mind this woman does NOT want to have sex. Either he accepts it and compromise with what she is willing to give him or suggest an open marriage or divorce.

 

Gosh. I don't know how people expect that someone will WANT something they now don't want if you just push them a little harder? Will a guy convince you to have sex with him if he insists enough or treats you well?

[heartbrokenlady]

I've been in both of your positions.

 

Before I had chemo, which put me into early menopause, I had a huge sex drive (at 40). 3 times a day would have been perfect. Twice was good. For my partner, who was older, 3 or 4 times a week was A LOT, so I would masturbate.

 

After chemo, which gave me early menopause, my libido dropped to wanting sex once a week/once every 2 weeks.

 

Your wife literally has zero desire. So if you want more sex, you have to take the lead and turn her on. Massages, stroking, romantic music/meals etc. Whatever does it for her.

 

You can't expect a person who doesn't want sex or feel any sexual desire to pretend to and initiate.

[Els]

Why is it the case that, especially with men in a near sexless marriage, it is always HIM that wants sex too much. He is the one with the issue.

 

Who are we, and who is the wife or husband, to say he or she wants too much sex.

 

How can anyone say that twice a month maybe should be enough for you. What, 12 times a year is enough??? Hell I have sex 12 every weekend.

 

Why is it the person that wants sex somehow the one with the problem.

 

Further, I know people in this exact type of situation that agreed that an open relationship was fine so the other person could get their needs met.

 

This situation is not right. He works, he loves his wife, he does most of the housework, he takes care of her when she is sick.

 

What else should he do for his wife to WANT to have sex?

 

Uh, most people here have explicitly said that it's not necessarily his fault nor is he wrong for desiring sex.

 

However, as for what else he could do, there have been plenty of suggestions. It just depends on whether they both are open to trying them.

 

Personally going out on dates 3-4 times a YEAR would not be anywhere near enough for me. When romance dies in a relationship, sex often dies with it. Can't say for sure if more dates would solve the problem since there are other factors at hand here, but it couldn't hurt to try.

[Hecan]

If the OP decided he no longer was going to contribute to taking care of the house, was no longer going to work and would no longer help his wife in any way, because he just does not want to but to say

"Oh yeah, but I love you", would that be ok?

 

Here is the thing. For a lot of women, sex is an effort. The mind set has to be right, work / career pressure has to be left behind, mommy mode has to be turned off ... You get the picture. These things have to be worked around. It sounds like it just isn't worth the effort. But, it is important to her husband. I mean , come on, there has to be something about it that can make her feel good.

 

OP, please make date nights a must. Please make an effort for just the 2 of you. Also, maybe some of them without expectations of sex. Have you tried scheduling sex?? I know that takes some of the fun out of it but then you would know and she would know. Who knows, it may help in the spontaneity arena.

 

A side note. I don't think it is too much to expect a 24 year old to start figuring out where to go with their life.

[treehugger12]

First of all, it’s time your stepdaughter leave the nest, she is taking advantage and freeloading!

 

Second of all, you sound like a very caring and loving husband that just wants to be closer to his wife, otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking for advice from strangers. It doesn’t sound like your out cheating on her so I don’t understand why you would be getting chastised. I would love for my own husband to be that caring and want to be closer and desired by him. I’m considering an open marriage and already brought it up to him, I already cheated on him once because a guy was hot on my ass for 3 weeks and I gave into the temptation. If my husband had any interest in me at all, it wouldn’t have happened, he lost it years ago, I never wanted to cheat or have an affair but it sure felt good to be desired. When you don’t feel desired by your own spouse anymore, your selfasteem takes a huge blow. I’ve been in a room mate situation with him for years and we are best friends, together for 24 years but we really don’t want to throw 24 years away. Whats a person to do, the heart wants what the heart wants, there is nothing wrong with you wanting it more, your only human!!!

[OneLov]

I personally would not suggest an open marriage. Based on the statement I quoted, I think doing so would be the nail in the coffin to this marriage. Her statement I quoted above seems to indicate that she feels she has failed at being a good wife if he "[c]an't put (his) d*** in (her)..." every other day.

 

I also do not want OP to think I believe he is wrong to want sex more. I think needs are subjective. There are no good or bad guys in relationships; there are only compatible and incompatible people. I would hope that if two people really loved one another, they would be able to understand each other from their partner's POV. Having the benefit of that understanding, I like to think both would willing want to meet in the middle.

 

One thing I do know for sure is there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is always some need(s) you wish the other person could be more attentive to or be more willing to put forth more effort in trying to reach a middle ground. Could it be that OP puts so much emphasis on this problem because everything else is so great with his wife? Or is it that having sex every other day is so vital to his mental well-being. Idk? I wish for his sake he could relay his frustrations to her in a way that causes her to respond positively to him.

 

I would make a T chart. I would write the "Pro's" on one side and the "Con's" on the other. I would assign each factor a grade on a scale of 1-5, i.e. lack of sex probably scoring a 5 and being a terrible "gift giver" maybe a 1 or 2. Most important, I would take my time, think it through carefully, and write it all down. Then I would add up the scores assigned and see what the total is for each side.

 

I would hate to see resentment over one issue ruin an otherwise great relationship. Because he could divorce his wife and find a woman that is everything he could dream of and more in bed, but she would almost certainly lack in other areas. Those areas may not seem so important now, but it could be because his wife exceeds his expectations in those areas. Again, Idk?

 

I think it important to want to explore her frustrations with this issue as well. I think that would likely be the best approach to finding a middle ground on this issue.

 

I wish you the best OP. You sound like a good dude.

Edited December 14, 2017 by OneLov

[Els]

I personally would not suggest an open marriage. Based on the statement I quoted, I think doing so would be the nail in the coffin to this marriage. Her statement I quoted above seems to indicate that she feels she has failed at being a good wife if he "[c]an't put (his) d*** in (her)..." every other day.

 

I also do not want OP to think I believe he is wrong to want sex more. I think needs are subjective. There are no good or bad guys in relationships; there are only compatible and incompatible people. I would hope that if two people really loved one another, they would be able to understand each other from their partner's POV. Having the benefit of that understanding, I like to think both would willing want to meet in the middle.

 

One thing I do know for sure is there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is always some need(s) you wish the other person could be more attentive to or be more willing to put forth more effort in trying to reach a middle ground. Could it be that OP puts so much emphasis on this problem because everything else is so great with the women? Or is it that having sex every other day is so vital to his mental well-being. Idk? I wish for his sake he could relay his frustrations to her in a way that causes her to respond positively to him.

 

I would make a T chart. I would write the "Pro's" on one side and the "Con's" on the other. I would assign each factor a grade on a scale of 1-5, i.e. lack of sex probably scoring a 5 and being a terrible "gift giver" maybe a 1 or 2. Most important, I would take my time, think it through carefully, and write it all down. Then I would add up the scores assigned and see what the total is for each side.

 

I would hate to see resentment over one issue ruin an otherwise great relationship. Because he could divorce his wife and find a women that is everything he could dream of and more in bed, but she could really lack in other areas. Those areas may not seem so important now, but it could be because his wife exceeds his expectations in those areas. Again, Idk?

 

But I think it important to want to explore her frustrations with this issue as well. I think that would likely be the best approach to finding a middle ground on this issue.

 

I wish you the best OP. You sound like a good dude.

 

I agree with this. I do think that most of us tend to take for granted the things we've always had. I don't mean this as an accusation to the OP, I think it's human nature in general and to do otherwise usually takes a life experience that opens your eyes about it.

 

I was talking to the SO today about why there are so many kids born in the later part of the year - what I'd heard was that the festivities and holidays around January tend to lend themselves well to conceiving. He didn't get it. I explained somewhat painstakingly that it meant they had sex then, and his puzzled response was, "But don't they have sex the rest of the time?"

 

He has never been in a sexless R, so it hadn't even occurred to him. I, on the other hand, have.

 

He would certainly notice a woman being the main breadwinner though, because in his experience and opinion, that has always been the expected role of the man!

[treehugger12]

I would not recommend an open marriage either for OP, but I understand why some couples do these days. My best friend is going through the same thing with her husband, hasn’t touched her in years and she is very attractive, thin, keeps herself looking good. She like myself just really misses that intimacy.

[TexasRob]

Wow, I was off to day so I went to get groceries and missed a lot of stuff while I was gone so lets see if I can catch up -

 

summerdreams - Sorry, wasn't ducking you but I did have to think a bit before replying. First I should say that I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and I forget that posts on a website don't convey tone so you night not get that I was going for humor mixed with the irony. I would never tell my step-daughter any of what I have related here to her face in such a callous way but I do feel she needs to find some motivation. A parents ultimate goal, I think, should be to make themselves obsolete, a child should reach a point were they can stand on their own and carve out a niche for themselves they can be happy in and that is all I want for her.

 

To take myself to task I had a therapist ask me once if I found out my wife's heart would explode if she ever had sex again would I still want to be with her for the rest of my life. I wish I could say that I nonchalantly said "Of course!" but that is not what happened. I sat in silence for a good thirty seconds and ultimately couldn't fully answer the question. I love my wife for a great number of reasons some of which I have listed already but for clarity -

 

She is loyal and caring

She has a good sense of humor (though I am the funny one )

She is super smart and engaging to talk to

She is good with money (I suck, she is definitely the frugal one)

We like a lot of the same things - Science Fiction books and movies, comic books, board games, Renaissance festivals, Pop Culture conventions etc.

 

Things aren't perfect of course there is the sex thing and she is also not as affectionate as I am - I'm a seriously touchy feely type, I like to kiss and hug and pat my kids on the head which at their age they find very embarrassing. I have to restrain myself on the hugging sometimes because I have found that some folks are taken aback by a guy who likes to hug everyone. But overall the good probably outweighs the bad.

 

Yet still I couldn't answer the therapists question, maybe because deep down I know that I would stay out of a sense of loyalty but quietly be miserable and ultimately cheat on her at some point because I couldn't live without the sex. It might take six months or a year but eventually I would fail, I at least know myself that well. I still don't know where that leaves me at the moment, I am planning to try to broach the subject with my wife again this weekend when she has calmed down from the week and we will see how it goes.

 

I appreciate all the wonderful suggestions folks here have made and I am considering ways to increase date nights but I don't think there is a lack of connection between the two of us just a lack of the one I want most.

[SummerDreams]

TexasRob thank you for the reply and the clarification. You are a good man and your wife is lucky to have you. I just want you to consider how many people would give many things to have a good wife like you do. Please consider how many people will be alone on Christmas wishing they had even half than you have. That's all I got for now.

[central]

If an open relationship isn't acceptable, you can still divorce amicably, you can remain good friends, even live together, help her with her problems, and be free to date and pursue sexual gratification and intimacy elsewhere.

 

 

Before we even considered marrying, my wife and I discussed these options - sex is too important to both of us to risk losing the option of having sex, especially after sexless first marriages. We have an open marriage agreement in place, if either of us can't/won't have sex on a regular basis (enough to be satisfying), we can go elsewhere for it. We also agreed that we'd divorce for any of a number of reasons (from Medicaid eligibility issues, to sexual dysfunction), in order to ensure our needs get met - and, we'd still live together unless there was some irrevocable misbehavior to justify splitting.

[Els]

I appreciate all the wonderful suggestions folks here have made and I am considering ways to increase date nights but I don't think there is a lack of connection between the two of us just a lack of the one I want most.

 

Do you think it's possible that you're just not perceiving the lack of romantic connection, same as how your wife isn't perceiving the lack of sexual connection?

 

I mean, I love sex with my SO, but if I had to choose the lesser evil between sex only twice a month or date nights only 3 times a year, I'd be pretty stuck!

[BluesPower]

I would not recommend an open marriage either for OP, but I understand why some couples do these days. My best friend is going through the same thing with her husband, hasn’t touched her in years and she is very attractive, thin, keeps herself looking good. She like myself just really misses that intimacy.

 

Again I say...

 

OP has and is doing nothing wrong. A huge amount of the posts here on LS are about one or the other partner not meeting the sexual needs of their partner, and that includes the infidelity forum.

 

How many woman, or men, have had and affair basically because the other partner was not meeting the sexual needs of the other.

 

I am in no way saying that it is right. I am saying that not meeting the sexual needs of your partner sets them up for having an affair.

 

OP, in this situation has talked to his wife, multiple times. She thinks he needs medication because his sex drive in too high. How insane is that.

 

A healthy man in love with his wife wants to have sex with her.

 

How many wives here are complaining or have had and affair because their husband will not touch them for whatever reason.

 

OP is not the bad guy here. And if his wife won't let him have and open marriage in order to get his sexual needs met that she will not, then it is time for a divorce.

 

A woman that I met the other day, divorced her husband for that very reason. She wants sex and he does not. It happens every day.

 

OP needs to have the OR talk or he needs to find a woman that wants to have sex.

 

Bottom line...

[BikerAccnt]

Brain surgery. Because in my mind this woman does NOT want to have sex. Either he accepts it and compromise with what she is willing to give him or suggest an open marriage or divorce.

 

Gosh. I don't know how people expect that someone will WANT something they now don't want if you just push them a little harder? Will a guy convince you to have sex with him if he insists enough or treats you well?

 

 

I know I'm late to this party, and don't really have much to add. I just have to say that SD, what you said, is what I lived for a Looong time.

 

When I was living with my Ex, we had a very sexless relationship for 6 years before I finally had it and left. She would not compromise at all. Not at all.

 

But one thing my EX did say that stuck with me was "How can I want something, that I don't think about and never enters my mind. I don't miss sex, so how can I want it? I love you, but I don't miss sex with you." Talk about just shutting you down...

 

She was older than me, menopausal, and just didn't care that I still wanted to have sex with her. She didn't, so, it was my problem, not hers.

 

TexasRob, you wife is trying to compromise, showing you she loves you. IT may not be optimal, but, she's trying.

 

Oh, and I'm the opposite age range of you guys TR. I'm 57 and my current GF is 49.. now it's me having the hard time keeping up!

[BarbedFenceRider]

I agree with blues. I'm not so keen with the open marriage, as it goes against my own sensibilities. But OP does need the "talk". The wife just wants security and a room mate with strong hands to accomplish stuff around the house. So, why not dissolve the marriage and just be FWB. In reverse, sort of. He can have girlfriends and sensuality needs met, and the "room mate" gets a roof over her head and security for the perpetual kids that will never leave home...

[Cullenbohannon]

After reading several "sexless marriage" and "my husband is a sex pest" threads, I started to create a thread listing all the requirements a man must make in order to receive sex more than 1 per week (month?). Instead of writing the book, I decided to thank God my fiancee bears no resembemance to some posters and asked her for HER list.

 

The list had one sentence.

 

Just be nice to me.

 

We are aware that age and disease may affect anyones future sex life, however as long as we truly care about each other, we won't be posting to a thread about sleeping in separate rooms.

 

Don't be afraid to try the CBD. It can help with RA.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[BikerAccnt]

Just be nice to me.

.

 

But what if their idea of being nice to them, is to never request, expect, or hope to have sex with them? Sometimes being nice won't do it. Sometimes, nothing will. Not really the topic of OP' s post and I apologize for going off topic, but after living this for so long, it still stings, 10 years after I split.

[Cullenbohannon]

No sex/touching/intimacy is HER deal breaker. Barring accident or illness, she expects to be loved and often. This has been made quite clear.

 

Sometimes it's all about getting lucky and making the right choice...the second time. Never think you can't be happy again.

 

No relationship is perfect, but we truly believe that deep down, if you really care about your spouse, some of these issues can be avoided. If one spouse simply doesn't care and feel its their way or the highway, the right solution may be to buy yourself that Harley.

[4fin]

Sometimes it's all about getting lucky and making the right choice.

 

It's good to discuss on the front end. After kids, 20 years of marriage and life in general I hope you made the right choice and are not in the same boat as the op. I'm sure when he and his wife were in your stage of their relationship everything was just fine. Time will tell.

[Cullenbohannon]

It's good to discuss on the front end. After kids, 20 years of marriage and life in general I hope you made the right choice and are not in the same boat as the op. I'm sure when he and his wife were in your stage of their relationship everything was just fine. Time will tell.

 

BTDT. That's why is said. "Making the right choice THE SECOND TIME" We are not yougsters.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Els]

After reading several "sexless marriage" and "my husband is a sex pest" threads, I started to create a thread listing all the requirements a man must make in order to receive sex more than 1 per week (month?). Instead of writing the book, I decided to thank God my fiancee bears no resembemance to some posters and asked her for HER list.

 

The list had one sentence.

 

Just be nice to me.

 

We are aware that age and disease may affect anyones future sex life, however as long as we truly care about each other, we won't be posting to a thread about sleeping in separate rooms.

 

Don't be afraid to try the CBD. It can help with RA.

 

There is no issue with people needing more than "just be nice to me" from a romantic relationship if both of them are compatible. If they're not compatible, like the OP and his wife, then it remains to be seen if they can find a middle ground.

 

I do need to go out on dates with MY fiance/SO more often than once every 4 months in order to feel a romantic connection with him. This is not an issue for us at all because HE also wants to go out with me more than once every 4 months! Contrary to what you seem to believe, not all men are just doing the whole romance/dates thing in order to get sex. To some men, keeping up the romance in and of itself is important. We each initiate about half of the time, the passion is still very present after all these years, and we have a great time both in and out of the bedroom. He actually (gasp!) would not WANT a woman who just wants to stay home and have sex 100% of the time.

 

In general, pretty much all of the suggestions for "how to rekindle the romance in your relationship" are useful for the relationship in general. The potential for increased sex is just a beneficial side effect, albeit a very big one.

[heartbrokenlady]

I knew a couple in this position, except it was the man who didn't want the sexual contact.

 

They stayed married until his death and she was loyal and faithful to him.

 

 

 

If you want more sex, you need to get her turned on. She may not be in the mood initially, but you CAN work on her to get her in the mood. You know what turns her on, gets her off. Do a LOT more of it! Get her so aroused she doesn't want to say no.