Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?

[Els]

Being the primary breadwinner is a big responsibility especially for someone suffering from chronic pain. I wouldn't be surprised if her low sex drive was related to that Would there be a possibility of you stepping up a bit in that aspect to relieve some of that pressure from her?

[TexasRob]

Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

 

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.

[jjgitties]

OP. Use search function on this site. Frequency is discussed a lot. Some peeps on here are in relationships where they haven't slept together for years. My own situation is about once every 8 or 10 weeks. All depends on her bad moods. You are getting it better than some on here.

 

The downward spiral comes when you just start giving up asking or initiating sex because you can't be bothered to deal with the drama and fights anymore. That's where I am at in my life. I psych myself into believing we are room mates with kids and occasional ly have sex. It's either that or constantly fight about it.

[elaine567]

Could she be depressed?

Depression tends to kill libido

 

People with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) are about twice as likely to be depressed as people without this inflammatory autoimmune disease.

11 Rheumatoid Arthritis and Depression Facts - Health

 

She is 57 and facing a chronic disease that may disable her or even kill her prematurely. That can't be easy for her.

[TexasRob]

No not depressed I'm afraid, when we went to counseling together they evaluated both of us for depression and she was deemed fine. Oddly enough I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and they put me on WellButrin, I've been taking a low dose ever since. Our counselor felt like a lot of my issues came from my previous marriage, my ex-wife cheated on me constantly and was emotionally and physically abusive, I only stayed with her as long as I did because of our daughter. After our divorce and many years later she was diagnosed as severely bi-polar, today she is medicated and happily remarried with two children by her second husband so good for her I guess.

[BarbedFenceRider]

The message she is sending, whether it's right or wrong, is that HE is not a priority, neither is their sex life. If they were, she would do everything her power to do whatever was necessary to feel better and therefore be open to being intimate with her hubby more than just once a month, if he's lucky.

 

^^This. As many has said, age isn't the factor. The RA while an issue isn't a deal breaker. But she still works...She still has this huge life that she gets tired from...

 

He is rewarded with holding hands? WTF...Thats **** testing. Then asking for medication to essentially medically castrate him? Really?? That's cute. Lets poison dear hubby.

 

He is the safety net, room mate. She needs to do a lot better acknowledging his position in this family if she truly values having a husband.

[todreaminblue]

The message she is sending, whether it's right or wrong, is that HE is not a priority, neither is their sex life. If they were, she would do everything her power to do whatever was necessary to feel better and therefore be open to being intimate with her hubby more than just once a month, if he's lucky.

 

^^This. As many has said, age isn't the factor. The RA while an issue isn't a deal breaker. But she still works...She still has this huge life that she gets tired from...

 

He is rewarded with holding hands? WTF...Thats **** testing. Then asking for medication to essentially medically castrate him? Really?? That's cute. Lets poison dear hubby.

 

He is the safety net, room mate. She needs to do a lot better acknowledging his position in this family if she truly values having a husband.

 

i agree with your post i read the post about op getting meds...and i really hope that she doesn't understand that what she suggested is actually that medication is chemical castration to lower levels of testosterone...it happens with anti psychotics leaving impotency as the most common side effect you just cant turn it off..these drugs need to be taken on a regular basis orally or by three month injection and impotency is very common its one reason why it is schizophrenic males refuse to take meds....or stop taking them......

 

ops wife seems almost cavalier about intimacy....leaving it on his shoulders to bare with lack there of....

 

and being married is also about maintaining intimacy mutually.......i feel for the wife.....i feel for op....i hope they can work this out...i feel she is the one who actually needs professional help....the marriage should come first.....before work...before kids....because if the marriage is strong in all aspects ...life and everything else is in proper perspective.....

 

i am a big girl....and there are ways to have sex where pain levels or uncomfortable positions can be less so...having sex in water is one way...theres always a way to compromise....and she doesnt seem willing......i hope op doesnt go the medication route...that would be tragic....he isnt a sex offender who deserves to be chemically castrated...it is a horrible

f......ed up solution.......deb

Edited December 13, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Trail Blazer]

Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

 

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.

You sound like a very decent fellow. I could probably learn a thing or 2 from the message you are sending. Housework is one of those areas I struggle routinely to do my share. I do work long hours with a long commite in a fairly physical job, so I'm pretty tired when I get home. The problem is I don't earn enough to buy my way out of household chores. I definitely think that fact hurts my chances of sex. Sad but true. All things being equal I think couples with more money have more sex as there's a lot less stress overall in the relationship.

[wmacbride]

OP,

If your wife is taking methotrexate, from what I understand, you only take it once a week. for the next few days, you feel like crap ( it's the same drug used to treat some forms of cancer).

 

Something you might want to suggest to your wife is medical cannabis with high CBD levels. It really helps with pain, inflammation and can also lift your spirits. Since the THC levels can be very low, it won't make her "high", but the pain relief can be wonderful, and it doesn't leave you feeling nasty.

[Els]

Elswyth - That is not a bad suggestion but not really realistic, I make a decent living, I am the manager of the IT Network and LAN Server department for a major university. Since it is academia it doesn't pay as well as it would in the private sector but the benefits are good. My wife works for a private company in an executive capacity and makes about twice what I do. I make up for my end by taking on more of the household duties, I do most of the cooking since I tend to get home earlier than her. I clean the kitchen every night whether she cooks or I do so she can get some extra rest. When the kids were younger I was the one who drove them to activites and stayed home when they were sick. I do the laundry on the weekends except for her clothes because most of them are dry clean only and she is picky about how the rest get washed and folded. I vacuum and dust and pickup around the house every night before I go to bed so she doesn't have to mess with it. I try to make her life as easy as I can, most nights while I'm folding laundry and running around the house picking up she is parked in front of the computer on Facebook (that woman loves her some Facebook that's for sure)

 

Are jobs are both stressful in their own ways, mine is more flexible on hours than hers so that is why I became the more domestic one.

 

Ah, okay, fair point. Yes, in that case it does sound like both of you are trying to do your best re: supporting your family, just in different ways. I do think that if your wife is working a high-stress job (most executives I know are extremely stressed), it is natural that it may affect her libido.

 

On the flip side, most executives also make a good amount of money. Is an early retirement (or at least partial retirement) for her an option if you two save up some?

 

Is she up for having a "date night" every Saturday or something like that?

[SummerDreams]

I'm sorry but if I were your wife I'd be disgusted if I knew the way you'd feel about me. So you get mad that she managed to feel better and be happy to go on with her day instead of being happy for her because she didn't want sex with you? I mean, how can you say you love her when her happiness and health don't make you happy? And even when you complain about her bad eating habits you do it in comparison with her libido, not her longtime health. Are you sure you love her as much as you claim? If I had such a busy day ahead of me and my H was following me like a horny teenager around the house I'd be pissed and offended.

 

I'll try to leave this last post of yours out of my mind and try to sympathise with you. It seems that your wife loves you enough to do something for you that she doesn't want to do. She has admitted sex is not something she wants to do though she does it for you. She wants zero times a month, you want 20 times a month. I don't know who is more frustrated, your wife for having to have sex while she doesn't want to or you for having to not have sex the rest 18 times you want it. It's really a problem and honestly I don't see you dealing with it in a healthy or understanding way. There are people who just accept the situation, it makes them sad or upset sometimes but they realize the happiness they have elsewhere is enough to compromise with it. You are not in this category and I feel you are close to quitting or finding a new lover. I suggest you express these feelings to your wife before you drop a divorce bomb on her or cheat on her and let her make her decisions under a new light.

[TexasRob]

I'm starting to think I picked a bad example to vent on, I was not mad at her for going out to see her Mom or wanting to run errands and I do appreciate that she felt good that morning. All I was pointing out was that she had three things she wanted to accomplish -

 

Take two boxes to Goodwill - store is five minutes from our house and it takes tops maybe 5 to 10 minutes to drop something off there.

 

Go to the bank and deposit two checks - max twenty to thirty minutes

 

Meet her Mom for lunch at 12:00 Noon.

 

It was 8:00 am when I came on to her on a rare morning when both kids were gone and we had the house to ourselves, and time enough to take advantage of that fact. If we are lucky this happens maybe once or twice a month if that often.

 

The interesting thing is that after lunch she decided to take her Mom to the local Art museum since as it turned out she had plenty of extra time after running her errands, big surprise there. So she spent several hours walking around the museum, apparently she felt well enough to do that when she couldn't spare thirty minutes to be with her husband that morning because she felt under the weather.

 

All of this aside, I am not saying that my behavior or feelings toward my wife are necessarily justified, that is one of the reasons I started this thread to see how others would feel about this situation and gauge whether my feelings were appropriate given the circumstances. I don't want to resent my wife and I would like to find a compromise that leaves room for both of us to be happy and I am willing to concede that my sex drive might be the problem and maybe I need professional help to deal with that. Though the prevailing opinions in this thread are that I am not hyper-sexual or an addict, just frustrated.

[wmacbride]

OP,

it sounds like there is another adult living in your home with you. Is there any way that she could stay with your younger children for a weekend, or even over night, so that you and your wife can get away for a little while?

 

Planning a getaway can be fun for both of you, and it can build the romance too.

Edited December 14, 2017 by wmacbride

[SummerDreams]

OP I understand your frustration and I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm not saying that you have a problem wanting sex with your wife, it's the most normal thing in the world. But I think you are missing something or you don't want to accept it even though your wife has made it clear to you; she doesn't want sex. She openly told you that she'd never have sex again if God forbid something would happen to you. Isn't it clear that sex for her is only something she does to please you? I think you don't see it or you refuse to see it. There are some women who don't like sex with their husbands because say the sex is bad or they like different things but these women would like sex with another man. If that was the case I would suggest that you communicated with her what she liked more and try to make sex better in some ways. In this case though I am pretty sure that we have a woman who simply has made the decision she doesn't want sex anymore in her life. That's why I talked about her wanting it zero times and you wanting it 20 times a month. When you realize she wants no sex but she does it for you twice a month, then you will be able to think and decide whether this is good enough for you or not.

 

Regarding her feeling good enough to go to the museum etc; I think she has become like a child who doesn't want to go to school and pretends to be sick. If she'd say "I'm feeling ok but I don't want sex" you would get angry and/or sad. But you can't get angry/sad when she is sick so in her mind she has created this scenario where if she pretends to be sick you won't bother her or have bad feelings.

 

Imagine one food you hate. Then imagine having to eat it twice a month. Wouldn't you resent the moment that comes when you must eat that food?

 

I'm not saying sex with you is such a torture but I'm trying to understand your wife. Maybe I'm wrong of course.

[BluesPower]

I'm starting to think I picked a bad example to vent on, I was not mad at her for going out to see her Mom or wanting to run errands and I do appreciate that she felt good that morning. All I was pointing out was that she had three things she wanted to accomplish -

 

Take two boxes to Goodwill - store is five minutes from our house and it takes tops maybe 5 to 10 minutes to drop something off there.

 

Go to the bank and deposit two checks - max twenty to thirty minutes

 

Meet her Mom for lunch at 12:00 Noon.

 

It was 8:00 am when I came on to her on a rare morning when both kids were gone and we had the house to ourselves, and time enough to take advantage of that fact. If we are lucky this happens maybe once or twice a month if that often.

 

The interesting thing is that after lunch she decided to take her Mom to the local Art museum since as it turned out she had plenty of extra time after running her errands, big surprise there. So she spent several hours walking around the museum, apparently she felt well enough to do that when she couldn't spare thirty minutes to be with her husband that morning because she felt under the weather.

 

All of this aside, I am not saying that my behavior or feelings toward my wife are necessarily justified, that is one of the reasons I started this thread to see how others would feel about this situation and gauge whether my feelings were appropriate given the circumstances. I don't want to resent my wife and I would like to find a compromise that leaves room for both of us to be happy and I am willing to concede that my sex drive might be the problem and maybe I need professional help to deal with that. Though the prevailing opinions in this thread are that I am not hyper-sexual or an addict, just frustrated.

 

Your feelings are justified...and if you are getting dogged about it, you should not be.

 

Here is the point, she goes out of her way to avoid sex. Bottom line.

 

I understand all the reasons, age (meh - don't buy that one), the RA (valid reason to some extent) and all the rest.

 

But like you said, there was time available and the opportunity, and she made every excuse in the book to avoid what should be a joy in a loving relationship.

 

Now, I know I will get bombed for this, but here goes. If because of her age, her RA, her job stress, or whatever, if she is not interested if fulfilling her role sexually in the marriage, then you need to have the talk about an open relationship.

 

I know, I know, you are a great guy and you don't want to do that. But what are your choices, 1) be in miserable and basically sexless marriage, 2) Divorce, 3) Open marriage where you can get your sexual needs met.

 

You would prefer that she wanted to have sex with you, but she already said that you needed a lobotomy because of your high sex drive!!!! What wife says that to her husband?

[TexasRob]

We do have date nights occasionally but we should probably do it more often, right now its a frequency of about three or four times a year.

 

The kids have actually reached an age where they kind of take care of themselves, even the sixteen year old is self sufficient enough to be left home for at least a few hours without fear he will burn down the house. The problem is getting that alone time for romance at home.

 

My stepdaughter is a complicated kid, 24 and some what directionless, all her friends went away to school and she never really made new ones, her Mom is her best friend and they spend quite a bit of time together. She was dating a guy pretty seriously for four years but they broke up last year, he was older (27) and a medical student so we had hopes that maybe she would marry well if nothing else. After the breakup I found out through talking to mutual acquaintances that he left her because she wouldn't sleep with him, kept saying she wasn't ready. I have to give the guy credit I wouldn't have dated a girl for four years with no sex. I talked to her about it briefly and it appears that she wasn't comfortable doing anything for him along those lines although she says that she did love him. When her Mom and I pressed her she finally admitted that she thought she might be Bi-Sexual though why that would prevent her from having sex with her boyfriend was never clear. She is not at all religious, none of us are, so I know that was not the problem.

 

Since the breakup she hasn't dated anyone new or made any new friends, all the ones she had were really his and they went with him when the relationship went south. Bottom line I have a sad 24 year old girl, possible Bi-sexual or maybe androgynous hard to say given how she dresses (tomboy, hates dresses and girl clothes, if you didn't know better you would think she was a young boy as she mostly wears logo t-shirts from the Target boys department) who sits at home most of the time and hangs with her Mom. That can be tricky to work around since my wife doesn't like having sex unless she is sure her daughter is asleep with the door closed.

 

We could and have gone out for overnights on rare occasions maybe once or twice a year but its not like we could get a hotel room five or six times a month because we want to have sex. Who could afford that? It feels sometimes like we live on those tiny house shows on HGTV

 

This year we have gone on romantic overnights twice but both times it got screwed up - The first time with the bad luck that only seems to follow me I got a freaking prostate infection right after we got to the hotel and spent the weekend with blood coming out of my penis so no sex. My urologists says that is not uncommon in men my age to get prostate infections for no real reason, that was my first and the timing was crappy. Four months later we tried again and went further from home, two hundred miles to another city for a weekend trip. What happens, our son has a fight with his best friend and since he suffers from depression like me he went into a funk and thought he was going to harm himself. We get a hysterical call at 11:00 at night from my Step Daughter saying my son was crying on his bed and was afraid he would harm himself. I'm two hundred miles away and not in an immediate position to help, I managed to find a suicide prevention care place and got my step daughter to drive him there and commit him until the next morning while his Mom and i hastily packed to come back.

 

By the time we returned exhausted the next morning he was fine, said he was sorry he scared everyone and didn't know what came over him. He and his friend made up the next afternoon and were off having a good time that night. Kids right it always something, I'm glad my son was o.k. but it did ruin my wife and my weekend for the second time. There are times I think I have a curse or something.

[elaine567]

Though the prevailing opinions in this thread are that I am not hyper-sexual or an addict, just frustrated.

 

Yes but you are a tad obsessed and possibly unrealistic in the circumstances you find yourself in.

You have a one track mind, literally.

 

I honestly do not think your wife is ever going to budge from her stance.

Menopause. chronic illness, difficult meds, lost weekends due to illness, pushing herself to continue working in a high pressure job, children, elderly mother... all these things are all conspiring against you (and her).

She is carrying all these heavy life burdens and you want sex and from her POV you are now adding to her burdens when you start sulking and getting grumpy and annoyed over something she probably sees as trivial and frankly unnecessary considering all the things she is putting up with here.

 

YOU need to either accept where you have come to in youi life, OR you need to make big life changes.

Is it possible for you to get a better job and become the main breadwinner? Sounds like the arrangement as is, is unsustainable anyway.

 

Otherwise we are talking open marriage(though I doubt she would agree to it), divorce, cheating, escorts...

Is sex that important to you?

[Els]

We do have date nights occasionally but we should probably do it more often, right now its a frequency of about three or four times a year.

 

The kids have actually reached an age where they kind of take care of themselves, even the sixteen year old is self sufficient enough to be left home for at least a few hours without fear he will burn down the house. The problem is getting that alone time for romance at home.

 

Wow. Three or four times a year - that's one date night every 3-4 months! Why so seldom? I mean, it sounds like you both have good jobs (so decent income coming in) and mostly grown kids. I'd kinda expect a couple in that situation to have date night at least once every couple of weeks to be honest.

 

I think you guys really just need to try and rekindle the romance in your relationship. As for sex and alone time at home... why can you not have sex in your bedroom when the teens are in their own bedrooms at night? I get that you'd have to be gentle and quiet, but with RA that is a given anyway, no?

 

Possibly off-topic, but I think you should be more supportive of your daughter not having sex when she's not ready. Far better she do this than have it before she's ready and possibly get pregnant.

[TexasRob]

Elaine -

 

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts, I agree I have some soul searching to do, I feel I am at a cross roads in my life. I really don't want to start over again in a new relationship, no matter how great at the beginning all relationships take time and work, lots of commitment to build them up properly and I'm not sure I have the strength to do that a third time. The sex question is a big one, am I being ridiculous and selfish and should just suck it up? I have a wife who is loyal and a good person, caring and successful, no she is not perfect she lacks a sex drive and she can be a little self involved at times but is that a deal breaker? I'm sure a lot of folks would not think so.

[Els]

Editing to add: The real issue with the 24 yo IMO is not her being celibate or how she dresses... but rather that she does not appear to be going to college full-time OR working full-time or any combination of the above? Why is that the case? Plenty of androgynous or celibate or bisexual people have jobs/school and friends.

[central]

It may not be a deal-breaker - yet. While your sex life isn't good, it's better than many manage, and everything else is pretty good. It sounds like she's trying, but is fighting the RA to do so. If things decline further or she gives up trying, though, I'd consider asking for an open relationship that allows you to seek intimacy elsewhere. You may reach a breaking point, or you may adapt to the situation, even if you're not happy about it. Time will tell.

 

 

I am very much in favor of sticking with a sick spouse, and would hope for the same if the situation were reversed. However, one person's limits should not automatically restrict their spouse. Two unhappy people doesn't make any sense, and may even undermine the well spouse's ability to stay and provide support and care.

Edited December 14, 2017 by central

[TexasRob]

Elyswyth -

 

I wish I knew, my Step-Daughter is very hard to talk to about serious things, she is a sweet kid and fun to hang around with but tough to pin down on real issues. She went to one year of junior college, drew mediocre grades and dropped out. She worked full time as a nanny for a fairly well off couple who paid her $1500 a month to watch their twin girls. It was good money for what it was but not sustainable enough for her to move out and start a life on her own. They let her go when the Mom decided to be a "stay at home" and leave her career. Since she had been working part time her and there as a nanny or basically a babysitter.

 

A number of times she has talked about going back to school and we have offered to pay but she always finds an excuse not to sign up for classes. She loves children and they seem to respond to her so I think she would make a great teacher, especially kindergarten, but she has to motivate herself to get a degree and that just isn't happening.

 

I try to get my wife to put some pressure on her but she doesn't see it as a big deal, just shrugs her shoulders and says "she will find her way eventually, we all do" I just hope she finds it before she is forty, I would rather not retire with her still sitting on my couch.

[SummerDreams]

I just hope she finds it before she is forty, I would rather not retire with her still sitting on my couch.

 

I don't know whether you realize it but some things you say come out in a way that makes me wonder whether you really love your wife, it's the second time today I get this feeling from you. I'm older than your step-daughter and I'm married but my mom is your wife's age and my step-father is your age. If something would happen and I would have to live with my mother again for some time later in life I can't imagine my step-father talking about me this way. I don't know, I may be too sensitive. Plus you didn't reply to my post and I'm wondering whether what I wrote hurts you too much to address it.

[carhill]

It's OK, OP. Venting frustration is equal opportunity here on LoveShack.org. Sometimes venting is part of the solution. Get it out, feel it to the full and work it.

 

BTW, back when my libido diminished, my exW didn't waste any time replacing me

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know whether you realize it but some things you say come out in a way that makes me wonder whether you really love your wife, it's the second time today I get this feeling from you. I'm older than your step-daughter and I'm married but my mom is your wife's age and my step-father is your age. If something would happen and I would have to live with my mother again for some time later in life I can't imagine my step-father talking about me this way.

 

 

Disagree. I totally get the concerns about semi-directionless adult kids living at home long-term. I've had those concerns myself and I'm talking about my own bio-kids. It has nothing to do with any lack of love for my wife or even for them. In fact, I was concerned because I do love them and want the best for them, and sitting on my couch ain't it.