Friends with ex does seem possible

[Shanex]

We broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months and we were on all account a healthy couple. Both of us did some wrong like imposing the silence treatment on each others for weeks which led to the break up a week ago.

 

However, she keeps mentioning how much a great guy I was to her. Kind, patient and fairly generous.

 

I also have nothing much to complain about her. She did a lot of nice things to me. Also offered multiple Cds from artist I love and so forth.

 

We are still texting in the evening to know whats up with us.

 

I found that staying friends with a recent ex is possible and ultimately the best way for a personal inner peace. This break up wasnt awful, so in this case, why not?

[todreaminblue]

i have stayed friends with my exes i don't have sex with exes......my ex calls me multiple times a day......we have kids together..he has been with others and i have been with others....and thats where i guess shanex a distinction comes in.....is when you eventually are in a relationship with another....where more firm boundaries and restrictions i guess need to be in place.....where someone else might be made uncomfortable by constant contact with an ex......its fine to both be single and in close contact......but respect for other parties when it is the case of being with someone else.... needs to be shown...but that is just my opinion.....deb

[SevenCity]

Firstly, that’s a shame because you seemed happy with this girl.

 

Now to your question, are you ok with her telling you about guys she is dating and sleeping with? Do you have any romantic feelings for her?

 

How about her? Would she be ok hearing about a new woman in your life?

 

I grant you if they were a good person a friendship is possible but once emotions get involved it complicates things.

 

I’m not friends with any of my exes. I make it a policy to cut them out of my life.

[d0nnivain]

I have never felt the need to be mean or dismissive with an EX. I always dated good people. Staying friends is another story however. I am a firm believer that its unhealthy for EXs to keep tabs on one another. Yes, I'm happy they are happy & healthy but I don't need to know their daily activities & I certainly don't want to know about their search for a new love / romance.

 

I think you & her texting every evening is too much. While you have that crutch it will prevent you from moving on. You are not going to be able to keep it up once one of you starts to date again.

[central]

I've stayed friends with several exes. It depends on how and why you split up, basically. There are many with whom I had no further contact.

[Shanex]

Thanks guys and gals.

 

For now I have no idea if she is sleeping or dating other men already. I surely am not. Would it bother me? Not really, it would be understandable but what she told me was ''I need time to concentrate on myself'' so very unlikely.

 

Of course in a month, 3 months or a year she may be again in a happy, steady relationship and good on her. I don't want to live off resentment and bitterness. Thats life. No doubt I will meet someone too, again, theres no hurry for me too.

 

As for staying friends, donnivain is onto something. I will keep her updated once a week and it should be sufficient shortly after this breakup.

 

Seeing each other casually in real life is tricky as she lives two hours a drive.

 

Sevencity: I also have sort of a rule to never ever stay friend with some exe, she is for now the only exception.

[rickwman]

Glad to hear you both are on friendly terms. Be at peace and don't allow negative thoughts, jealousy, strife, etc. enter your mind and heart. I'm sure there's a great girl in your future.

[snowboy91]

A lot of people here on LS advocate strongly for NC after a breakup. While I've come to realise that perhaps it is important for most to go NC to try and heal, if there is minimal pain and resentment during and immediately after the breakup, there really isn't any other reason not to remain friends.

 

A friend of mine split up with her on/off BF a few months ago. She was a mess for a couple of days but after talking with him (he was a part of her friendship group) they decided that being friends was the best option. I can't see much in the way of pain (or continued interest, conversely) on either side now.

 

Sometimes you were always meant to be just friends with each other, and nothing more. I believe a relationship requires additional levels of compatibility which don't always exist even if it exists at a friendship level. I think if both people realise that, and understand the context of any pain caused then being friends is a natural result from that.

[todreaminblue]

A lot of people here on LS advocate strongly for NC after a breakup. While I've come to realise that perhaps it is important for most to go NC to try and heal, if there is minimal pain and resentment during and immediately after the breakup, there really isn't any other reason not to remain friends.

 

A friend of mine split up with her on/off BF a few months ago. She was a mess for a couple of days but after talking with him (he was a part of her friendship group) they decided that being friends was the best option. I can't see much in the way of pain (or continued interest, conversely) on either side now.

 

Sometimes you were always meant to be just friends with each other, and nothing more. I believe a relationship requires additional levels of compatibility which don't always exist even if it exists at a friendship level. I think if both people realise that, and understand the context of any pain caused then being friends is a natural result from that.

 

 

love this post...so on repeat.....deb

[healing light]

It's only been a week so I wouldn't get too settled about what she is right now. You're not sure what she will become, really, as it's too soon to gauge her behavior or what she wants from you. She may be set on getting back with you and thus that's why the evening contact. You never know. I would give this one time before you assume the friendship will work out long-term.

[ZayKayWill]

Friends with exes is definitely 100% possible. In fact, I think it's healthier TO be friends with your ex rather than not be, but sometimes being friends just isn't possible. Honestly I really never understood why people think that it's 'normal' or 'expected' for people to not be friends with their exes anymore, EVEN when they're in a relationship with someone else. Your ex and you had a time together that you literally are never going to forget. Isn't it better to be on friendly terms with them at least rather than pretend like you two don't exist?

 

 

It seriously pisses me off that people assume that when one stays friends with their exes, automatically that means that they're hoping eventually they'll get back together or that they just want something more out of it. That is not ****ing true. I'm still pretty good friends with one of my exes. We don't talk as much as we used to, but we're still cool and I still have a great amount of respect for her, which I can only assume she does as well...sorry but that is my friend and they were here LONG before you ever were. If you can't handle the fact that I'm mature enough to still be good friends with someone I used to be intimate with, then that's fine. I'll find someone more secure than that. There are plenty of people who don't feel the least bit threatened by opposite sex friends, including exes. I hate to say it but that's a big part of why I really don't come here anymore because so many people here have this toxic point of view that exes should always be taboo *smfh*.

 

 

I actually PREFER that my partner is still in contact with her exes because it shows great emotional maturity. Sorry but it doesn't matter how much you try to get your partner to not be in contact with their ex. If they're gonna cheat on you, they are gonna cheat on you no matter how much you try to control them. Just let them be themselves. People tend to really respect those who don't try to control how they live their lives. Huge difference between setting boundaries and setting rules as a means of controlling ones partner.

[heartbrokenlady]

My ex wants to be friends. I can't yet. In a year or 2, probably.

[Shanex]

Hey guys.

 

So following donnivain advices, I text her much less now. Usually a time or two a week. It seems logical to not overdo communication since we are not together anymore.

 

Since Christmas is approaching real fast, I had a secret gift to her: a DVD which I sent thru mail along with kind words wishing her merry Christmas. She just got it tonight and was very, very touched. She did not even know how to thank me. 'Oh just texting me thank you is fine', I replied.

 

We are on very good terms. I intend to see her sometimes in january, to wish her happy new year in person and have a chit chat.

 

Thanks Zay for reviving this thread since I had to mention here the latest development.

[ZayKayWill]

Hey guys.

 

So following donnivain advices, I text her much less now. Usually a time or two a week. It seems logical to not overdo communication since we are not together anymore.

 

Since Christmas is approaching real fast, I had a secret gift to her: a DVD which I sent thru mail along with kind words wishing her merry Christmas. She just got it tonight and was very, very touched. She did not even know how to thank me. 'Oh just texting me thank you is fine', I replied.

 

We are on very good terms. I intend to see her sometimes in january, to wish her happy new year in person and have a chit chat.

 

Thanks Zay for reviving this thread since I had to mention here the latest development.

 

 

 

That's how it should be. Like I said I seriously have no idea why people think this kind of behavior is weird or indicative that something more is going on. Me and my last ex hung out on New Years with her boyfriend there as well and it was completely fine.

[SevenCity]

That's how it should be. Like I said I seriously have no idea why people think this kind of behavior is weird or indicative that something more is going on. Me and my last ex hung out on New Years with her boyfriend there as well and it was completely fine.

 

It depends on the situation. If you were dumped and you didn’t want it, chances are your friendship is a ploy to get back with them.

 

Also, it depends how much you loved the person and how badly you were hurt in the breakup.

 

People give that advice because the dumpee often is hurt more by a friendship and has a harder time moving on.

 

If you’re not in a place where the friendship will hinder your healing, I don’t think anyone would have issues with a friendship.

 

 

Most people come here because they were devistated by a breakup. The worst advice to them is to seek friendship with their ex.

 

For me, I don’t keep in contact with my exes as they are no longer part of my life. Someone said some good words to me many many years ago “Only look forward, never look back”.

[ZayKayWill]

It depends on the situation. If you were dumped and you didn’t want it, chances are your friendship is a ploy to get back with them.

 

Also, it depends how much you loved the person and how badly you were hurt in the breakup.

 

People give that advice because the dumpee often is hurt more by a friendship and has a harder time moving on.

 

If you’re not in a place where the friendship will hinder your healing, I don’t think anyone would have issues with a friendship.

 

 

Most people come here because they were devistated by a breakup. The worst advice to them is to seek friendship with their ex.

 

For me, I don’t keep in contact with my exes as they are no longer part of my life. Someone said some good words to me many many years ago “Only look forward, never look back”.

 

 

 

If someone doesn't want to be with you, they have every right not to be. The ex that I'm friends with dumped me and we didn't talk for like 2 years and it was me that ended the friendship but it wasn't really because she dumped me, more just the way she did it. After 2 years when she apologized I had literally no problem being her friend. But I agree, if you were dumped and you didn't want it, you have every right to distance yourself to heal. Ideally I would want to still be cordial and even really good friends with my past lovers. There are a good handful of past lovers out there that are literally best friends and nothing more. I know a lot of people probably won't believe that to be a thing, but, it is.

[fiskadoro]

A week is nothing in terms of time. Most breakups continue to evolve in form in the mind of at least one person. Don't be surprised if, in time, one of you changes your opinion about the true nature of the breakup, develops resentments or regrets. Conversely, one party may begin a relationship with someone who dislikes daily/weekly texts from the ex.

 

It will be hard to give all your attention to a new love when you still have an emotional bond with the ex, and who may become idealized in your mind once you hit your first rough patch with your eventual new love.

 

I tried being friendly with several exes, and even when it "worked" I had to be careful that it didn't cause problems with the upgrade. I would be suspicious of your ex's motives for wanting to text you daily, or even weekly. Sounds like at least one of you hasn't really broken up. There is a BIG difference between being friends with someone well after the breakup has processed and there has been the proverbial "space", and never giving each other that space. I think many people lie to themselves and just lay in the cut, waiting in a space of suspended secret hopefulness. Or, they don't draw respectful emotional boundaries and end up emotionally distracted, and their new relationship fails or flounders.

[KTSullivan]

I've been friends with an ex I spent 3 years with. We've been friends for about a year and a half. As cool and chill as it seems, it isn't ideal for most of my friendships. We chat almost on about a 2/3 month basis, where most of the time is talking about dating issues, work, school, etc. Before, it was comforting knowing who exactly he was getting involved with, considering I still cared very deeply for him. But as time passed we have been just a regular hookup/booty call for each other to hook up with each other when neither of us is seeing anyone intimately. Neither of us has any problem with it, and are pretty set just being this type of friend.

 

Its cool and all, but don't think this "friendship" will last too long, considering both of us still date other people. I am sure there are different experiences, but this is just my personal experience.

[Shanex]

I wanted to update this thread because the girl I am talking about in the OP and now ex girlfriend and me hanged out this afternoon (GMT+1, Europe)...

 

We went for a drink in her neighborhood, then went back to her and her mother place for more chit chat. And listening to music on her TV thru YouTube.

 

So she has a new boyfriend, I also met someone in the meantime, but it didn't last for reasons too personal too mention so I am still looking.

 

So despite she lives more than an hour a drive from me, we intend to see each other regularily. Maybe a couple times a months as friends.

 

In my case, it worked and for the first time too.

 

Thanks to all who commented in this thread.

[ZayKayWill]

I'm just curious but why did you guys break up? When you mention 'silent treatment' that indicates that things aren't going well or that there's some underlying bitter resentment...

[HiCrunchy]

I read a post once that read," if you are able to be close friends with an ex, you were never in truly in love".

 

Hmm, I think it might ring true for me.

[steve761]

my ex broke up with her ex as she wasnt getting the freedom to do what she always wanted to. he would stop her from going out to the gym, for a swim late night parties and it was all because he was scared of loosing her or maybe because she would get along with someone very easily. He wasnt willing to let go her but as things werent going well between them she broke up.

 

He tried to get her back but she was very adamant and refused to do the same. After a few months as we were only friends we became good friends and finally fell in love. we dated for around 8 months and after a period of 5 months she felt like breaking up with me too without any reason or as she says family pressure but we didnt and carried on for a few more months but it wasnt the same after that my love towards started to deteriotate as i couldnt trust her the same way as before she would talk to him behind my back.

 

At times when her ex would call she would pick the phone only when i forced her to because i knew once im gone she would anyways, so i thought its better if she talks infront of me. inspite of me not liking all this she didnt stop it. with time i stopped feeling for her and decided to finish this as we were fighting a lot. while she was with me she would flirt around with other guys behind my back but if i even spoke to any girl in my college she would take her anger out on me. i couldnt understand her mentality even though we had been together for a while. there were trust issues involved which led to all this, i started keeping a watch on her very closely on what she did and whether shes loyal to me because i was scared of loosing her. She knew that i wouldnt do anything so she was carefree about the situation ahead of her. A couple of months ago we decided to end things as i didnt find it worth investing time on a person who was only with and took me as a person to cry on when crisis hit.

 

Before we broke up she tried messaging her ex his family members and was trying to create a scene because she too could sense that i was about to give this news. so i finally went up to her to break up but in good terms but i didnt see what was coming. after a couple of days she started messaging her ex so frequently and calling her as if she was her current gf. he too never trusted her completely but as he too was with her for a 3-4 years he got convinced by her style and finally got back with her. i tried reaching her she wouldnt answer my calls even after reading to my messages wouldnt revert to me. it was nothing but sheer ignorance from her side as what she had done an year ago to her ex when she was getting close to me. He too dated a girl for a while and he did tell her but my ex never admitted that she dated me. she got a upperhand and took advantage of it and is now very sweet infront of everyone of his family.

 

I felt like sharing things with her but she was so busy getting back to her that she ignored me all the while and only when he would fight with her she would call me for help. its been close to a couple of months when i last saw her and spoke to her. i feel shes over me but im not completely over her. at times i feel like taking my frustration out on the phone by calling but then i stop as i see it leading no where. Should i try calling her or should i let go of my life? This being my first love and a close friend i feel like getting her back in my life. I often feel my life has come to a halt because of someone. shes enjoying her life partying, working and now with her and i'm cribbing about it.

 

please help me.

thank you for reading

[Shanex]

I'm just curious but why did you guys break up? When you mention 'silent treatment' that indicates that things aren't going well or that there's some underlying bitter resentment...

 

She imposed the silence treatment for two weeks and twice during the 8 months relationships for no reasons, or none that I'm aware of anyway, in this case its pretty much normal to break it off.

[ZayKayWill]

She imposed the silence treatment for two weeks and twice during the 8 months relationships for no reasons, or none that I'm aware of anyway, in this case its pretty much normal to break it off.

 

 

 

Weird. So it sounds like there weren't any real problems on either of your ends, but rather you guys kinda got bored of each other or just kinda realized that you weren't compatible as a couple...does that sound about right?

[Hopen]

Hi guys, just recently went through a breakup two weeks ago. I am friends with my ex. Is there still a chance for us to be back together?