Jealous again...gymgirls

[CrystalMinds]

Hello everybody!

I'm a bit sad that I have to come back to this forum but I don't see any other option, I need someone to talk to.

My boyfriend and I are having our three year anniversary in January and it has been a long time since I've been jealous. But now I kind of am again..

So let me just get it out:

 

My boyfriend and I both go to the same gym. He goes there for about 7-8 years now, so he knows a lot of people. There's this girl he knows for a long time too that goes to the same gym. I think she's a really pretty girl. He knows I'm a bit jealous when they talk. She doesn't go to the gym a lot anymore, well, I don't see her a lot there. When she's there, he always goes over and talks to her.

Last Saturday, I was out with friends. My boyfriend couldn't go because of work the next day. Sunday he told me he texted with that girl last night.

 

So now I'm a bit jealous. What did they talk about? He probably texted her first.. Now all I think about is: "I'm out for a good time with friends and he's already texting another girl... a girl I'm jealous about." So that doesn't feel very good. I didn't make a big deal out of it when he told me but I just feel bad to be honest.

 

Jealousy point number two: today in the gym, we were about to leave and he started talking to a girl behind the counter, a girl who works there. This girl is very pretty too, she competes in bikini competitions and stuff and he added her on Facebook. When I asked him about it, he said he couldn't remember who added whom (so I assume he added her). But when he talked to her in the gym today, he was blushing (not the gym blush, that was already gone) and he had this look in his eyes when he was looking at her... that made me feel bad too.

 

All of this, plus the fact that he rarely compliments me anymore (when I make myself pretty for a party or something, he doesn't compliment me anymore). We don't have quality time and when I suggest it, he says it's quite expensive and we probably shouldn't do it.

 

Now he doesn't know I'm feeling like this since I don't want to be the extreme jealous girlfriend, but I can't be myself anymore around him since Sunday. He asks me what's wrong for a million times a day, and I just say that I'm quite insecure and not feeling good in my own skin lately, or I'm tired, ...

 

Should I tell him how I feel or will this make me look too jealous?

What do you think about his behaviour?

[stillafool]

Of course you should tell him how you feel. He has disrespected you and your silence it telling him you are okay with it. Never let any man blatantly disrespect you the way this guy does. Actually, you should tell him how you feel and then break up.

[Poutrew]

This isn't jealousy on your part. It is your gut trying to tell you something isn't right. Try this out: text with an old boyfriend and then just casually tell him you did, but do not tell him what your were texting about. Watch how he reacts. I bet he wouldn't like it and try to get you to give him more info. You can then ask him why when he does the same thing he has no problem with it, but when you do it he busts a stitch over it? If it is good for the gander, it is good for the goose. If, on the other hand, he is OK with it, it is because the gym girl is a side piece...now you know why he has been going to the same place for all those years...

[BluesPower]

No don't play games...

 

Just talk to him, don't be overly emotional, or act crazy, just be straight and concrete with your statements.

 

"When you texted the girl from the gym, it made me feel disrespected. I do not think that it is appropriate for you to text other women when you are in a relationship with me. Maybe a life long friend, but this girl that you know I am a little wary of? Not cool"

 

Or:

 

"When you were flirting with the girl at the counter at the gym, that made me feel disrespected as well."

 

Remember, concrete ideas... that is all most men can understand...

[CrystalMinds]

No don't play games...

 

Just talk to him, don't be overly emotional, or act crazy, just be straight and concrete with your statements.

 

"When you texted the girl from the gym, it made me feel disrespected. I do not think that it is appropriate for you to text other women when you are in a relationship with me. Maybe a life long friend, but this girl that you know I am a little wary of? Not cool"

 

Or:

 

"When you were flirting with the girl at the counter at the gym, that made me feel disrespected as well."

 

Remember, concrete ideas... that is all most men can understand...

 

Thanks. I've written some things down I need to tell him and I'll let him know tonight.

[Kellens]

Hi Crystal,

 

I'm very insecure too and there are lots of things that I let go because I know I'm being sensitive. However these 2 instances are things that need to be talked about. I know from my experience, when I hold something in that's building up, I'll explode at the wrong time. The initial reason for me being upset isn't communicated right and I end up looking crazy.

 

I would not be with a guy who is texting some hot girl from the gym when I'm out with my friends. If they have a legitimate history and are good friends then fine but not someone who holds no value. If he likes to randomly talk to pretty girls that much, he should be single. Just my opinion. Some women can handle situations such as these but I know I can't which is why I wouldn't date a guy like this. I don't need to be driven crazy and also make him feel like he's in trouble all the time. Not the best recipe for a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Fair]

Look at any successful, happy, long term relationship in existence. This kind of crap doesn't happen.

[CrystalMinds]

Hi Crystal,

 

I'm very insecure too and there are lots of things that I let go because I know I'm being sensitive. However these 2 instances are things that need to be talked about. I know from my experience, when I hold something in that's building up, I'll explode at the wrong time. The initial reason for me being upset isn't communicated right and I end up looking crazy.

 

I would not be with a guy who is texting some hot girl from the gym when I'm out with my friends. If they have a legitimate history and are good friends then fine but not someone who holds no value. If he likes to randomly talk to pretty girls that much, he should be single. Just my opinion. Some women can handle situations such as these but I know I can't which is why I wouldn't date a guy like this. I don't need to be driven crazy and also make him feel like he's in trouble all the time. Not the best recipe for a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks!

I talked to him about it and she passed the gym recently and thought to text him to ask him what's up. She's been going through a hard time and he didn't want to be rude. It was just a few texts.

About the girl in the gym today, he just admires her workout ethic and the fact that she competes and it's going well, just on a sports level, nothing more. I kinda believe him because I know he's not one to cheat. I just felt annoyed with it.

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if it's all innocent and he won't cheat...it's just not appropriate actions when you are in a committed relationship. There are certain things you just don't do out of respect for your partner.

 

Do you honestly believe he is just admiring her workout ethic?

[snowboy91]

I'm probably going to disagree with most people here and probably cop it big time. I'll ask this question instead: Just because OP's boyfriend is, well just that, in a committed relationship, he isn't able to make new friends (or maintain existing friendships) because they happen to be female?

 

Now I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel OP. What I mean is that the texting and the talking shows that he is trying to make it apparent that he has nothing to hide. He did tell you the next morning that he was texting that girl he's known for a long time, so he is definitely being honest. If he was crossing a line I feel he would have tried to keep it a secret so as not to raise suspicion.

 

What I am concerned about is that he isn't giving YOU the attention and the time you feel you need, and that is what I feel you need to focus on when you talk to him. I imagine you might feel less jealous if you felt that you were getting just as much attention as these other girls. Talk sooner rather than later before complacency turns into disinterest.

[Fair]

I'm probably going to disagree with most people here and probably cop it big time. I'll ask this question instead: Just because OP's boyfriend is, well just that, in a committed relationship, he isn't able to make new friends (or maintain existing friendships) because they happen to be female?

 

Now I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel OP. What I mean is that the texting and the talking shows that he is trying to make it apparent that he has nothing to hide. He did tell you the next morning that he was texting that girl he's known for a long time, so he is definitely being honest. If he was crossing a line I feel he would have tried to keep it a secret so as not to raise suspicion.

 

What I am concerned about is that he isn't giving YOU the attention and the time you feel you need, and that is what I feel you need to focus on when you talk to him. I imagine you might feel less jealous if you felt that you were getting just as much attention as these other girls. Talk sooner rather than later before complacency turns into disinterest.

 

puh-lease.

 

There have been studies done that say if a man even TALKS to a woman, it means he's attracted to her. I tend to believe it. Try getting a mere grunt out of a man, letting alone one who initiates text chats and conversations... unless he's thinking sex when he looks at you. That just doesn't happen.

 

Op, he's already cheating... he has the hots for this girl, and just because he told you he was texting with her "when you were out" (let's not forget that little morsel, he waited until you left and not around to be privy to what they were saying) it only means he's playing it clever, keeping his butt out of hot water and you safely on the hook until he can nab this girl.

 

Sorry, but I'm sure in your heart you know this.

[CrystalMinds]

puh-lease.

 

There have been studies done that say if a man even TALKS to a woman, it means he's attracted to her. I tend to believe it. Try getting a mere grunt out of a man, letting alone one who initiates text chats and conversations... unless he's thinking sex when he looks at you. That just doesn't happen.

 

Op, he's already cheating... he has the hots for this girl, and just because he told you he was texting with her "when you were out" (let's not forget that little morsel, he waited until you left and not around to be privy to what they were saying) it only means he's playing it clever, keeping his butt out of hot water and you safely on the hook until he can nab this girl.

 

Sorry, but I'm sure in your heart you know this.

 

I don't really agree but thanks for your opinion. He just told me the girl he texted with is recently single so we'll see how long it'll take then.

[stillafool]

I don't really agree but thanks for your opinion. He just told me the girl he texted with is recently single so we'll see how long it'll take then.

 

Did this bother you? Did you ask him why is he texting another girl when he is in a relationship with you? Did you tell him you feel it is inappropriate?

[CrystalMinds]

Did this bother you? Did you ask him why is he texting another girl when he is in a relationship with you? Did you tell him you feel it is inappropriate?

 

It bothered me a bit. I told him I didn't like it but he can have female friends, especially when he knew them before he even knew me. I can't expect nor ask him to ditch all his female friends because he's in a relationship, I don't ditch my male friends either. He texted her because she texted him first and he didn't see any harm in replying since she's in a difficult situation now.

[stillafool]

Oh so this is an old friend of his. I thought this was one of the new girls at the gym. Well if it doesn't bother you why did you bother posting about it?

[todreaminblue]

you should talk to him..its the right thing to do..he might not even be aware...communication is key ...if things don't change after speaking to him....that's when you need to reassess his commitment to you...deb

[CrystalMinds]

Oh so this is an old friend of his. I thought this was one of the new girls at the gym. Well if it doesn't bother you why did you bother posting about it?

 

No, I thought I said so in my first post.

And it bothered me a bit. I don't need to explain why I post things when it bothers me for days.

[CrystalMinds]

you should talk to him..its the right thing to do..he might not even be aware...communication is key ...if things don't change after speaking to him....that's when you need to reassess his commitment to you...deb

Thank you for your reply! I talked to him about it and it's okay now. Not 100% reassured but hey...

[snowboy91]

It bothered me a bit. I told him I didn't like it but he can have female friends, especially when he knew them before he even knew me. I can't expect nor ask him to ditch all his female friends because he's in a relationship, I don't ditch my male friends either. He texted her because she texted him first and he didn't see any harm in replying since she's in a difficult situation now.

 

So him having female friends is really no different to you having male friends. He probably doesn't see it as any different either.

 

Thank you for your reply! I talked to him about it and it's okay now. Not 100% reassured but hey...

I'm glad you had a chat about it and everything seems fine! It will still feel a little off, this is the sort of thing where time will tell.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your reply! I talked to him about it and it's okay now. Not 100% reassured but hey...

 

might take a little time for you to feel sure....actions do speak louder than words....and thats when you will be sure...when his actions match what he says...and i hope they do for you.....best wishes.....deb

[mrs rubble]

I was in a similar situation with my husband, he was constantly ringing his son's girlfriend's mother who was a single lady and it really irritated me. I met her at the same time as him.

 

 

The final straw came when he invited her over to my house while I was at work (nothing happened as my son was home and I asked him to keep an eye on both of them) after that episode I told him to chose who he wanted as I wasn't going to put up with it and felt disrespected.

 

 

Other people had noticed their strange friendship and started mentioning it to me as well. He apologised and reassured me that he only cares about me and actually started treating her pretty poorly for a while there, they're still in contact as they have a mutual grandson, but the regular calls for very no good reason have stopped and he's completely dedicated to me.

 

 

As the others have said time will tell, actions speak louder than words. I hope your partner stops his behaviour too after your talk. Wishing you well.

[stillafool]

No, I thought I said so in my first post.

And it bothered me a bit. I don't need to explain why I post things when it bothers me for days.

 

I thought you said it didn't bother you. I'm confused.

[usa1ah]

puh-lease.

 

There have been studies done that say if a man even TALKS to a woman, it means he's attracted to her. I tend to believe it. Try getting a mere grunt out of a man, letting alone one who initiates text chats and conversations... unless he's thinking sex when he looks at you. That just doesn't happen.

 

Op, he's already cheating... he has the hots for this girl, and just because he told you he was texting with her "when you were out" (let's not forget that little morsel, he waited until you left and not around to be privy to what they were saying) it only means he's playing it clever, keeping his butt out of hot water and you safely on the hook until he can nab this girl.

 

Sorry, but I'm sure in your heart you know this.

 

Hate men much do you. This is so untrue I am actually laughing my azz off. You actually believe if a guy talks to a girl it means he wants to have sex with her?

[usa1ah]

It bothered me a bit. I told him I didn't like it but he can have female friends, especially when he knew them before he even knew me. I can't expect nor ask him to ditch all his female friends because he's in a relationship, I don't ditch my male friends either. He texted her because she texted him first and he didn't see any harm in replying since she's in a difficult situation now.

 

Here’s the thing CM, he has known these girls longer yes. But he is with you, he could have chosen to be with them before he even met you. He didn’t.

 

Does he ever question you when you go out with your friends?

 

Also quality time is just time spent together focusing on one another. Doesn’t matter where.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am a guy who can get jealous. Do you think he does it to "get even"? . Maybe he is jealous or possessive about you. You went out one night to have fun without him. He might not like that. Maybe to make a point and he wanted to make you jealous intentionally. Just a thought.