Over before it really began

[Cattywampus]

Hi-

 

This is my first post, although I have been lurking for some time. I am very grateful to have found this forum.

 

My story is not that long or interesting. I am married woman, with no children. Two years ago, I met a man at a party with whom I hit it off immediately. I didn't have any intentions and was just enjoying the attention and having a lot of fun. There was a tremendous amount of instant chemistry, but again, I chalked it up to the wine and the position of the moon and thought nothing of it. He is married and both of our spouses were at the party where we met, but did not seem to notice or care that we spent the whole party talking and hanging out. I had no reason to think that I would ever see this man again. A month later there was another social event, where both of us were in attendance with our spouses. We didn't even say hello, although I was acutely aware of his presence. A few weeks later there was another event. This time he was in attendance with his wife and his two kids. Again, I noticed him, but avoided him. He approached me, saying hello and referencing the first time we met as well as the party before. He asked for my full name. Three hours later I received a social media request. I accepted. Again, I had no reason to believe I would ever see him again, especially since he and his family were being stationed far away and my husband and I were also likely to move in the next year. There were a few minimal social media interactions... commenting on posts, birthday greetings, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Flash forward to August this year. Out of the blue, I received a message that this man would be in my city and he wanted to see if he could say hello. I agreed, though the thought made me very nervous/excited. I carved out a small piece of time to see him. It's crazy to say, but I was reading a book when he arrived, and felt his presence before I looked up and saw him. We talked for about two hours and as we were walking out to say goodbye, he kissed me. I kissed him back and it was insanely good. He made it clear that he wanted more, but I pulled away and scurried home, knowing that he would be leaving the next day and that it would never go further.

 

There were texts and then emails, politely expressing longing and intention to be together in the future. Nothing explicit, but nonetheless intimate. I have had a really hard time getting him out of my mind...even though I know on a logical level that this is pure fantasy. I am relieved that there is geographical distance. He normally is the one to initiate contact, but in the last week or so there has been NC and I think that it's for the best. Although I have this desire, I kind of think it may have fizzled out on his end, which makes it easier for me to pine, but ultimately get over this ( I hope). The problem is that I cannot stop thinking about him. To be fair, it's been better this month than the months before. But I have not experienced anything like this before and while it makes me feel alive, I also feel like garbage.

 

Anyway.... I guess I am posting here because I don't have anywhere else to take it.

 

Thank you for reading.

[eye of the storm]

Catty, its called Affair fog. Its a fantasy. And fantasies can be what ever you want. The guy is the best lover, the chemistry is the most intense, the connection is.... But none of it is real.

 

 

The reality is he has no problem chasing after other women, in front of his wife. Think about that for a minute. And don't fall into the trap of thinking its because you are so special. He saw an opening, you didn't shut him down, he jumped in. If it hadn't been you, it would have been another woman.

 

 

You mentioned the term stationed. That screams military to me. Unfaithful spouses are way more common than you think. They call it Geo Bachelors. I get hit on by more married men than single. Its not because Im amazing, its because Im there. Take it with a box of salt.

 

 

You are into this guy because he isn't real. He is whatever fantasy you want him to be. Your H cannot possibly live up to that hype. Your H has dirty socks, that guy doesn't. Your H has bills, that guy doesn't. Your H has good days and bad days, that guy is always happy (because you don't see him on the bad days, his W gets those).

 

 

You can always tell what is important to someone by how they treat the object. Do you spend time, effort, emotion on it, do you protect, nurture, treasure it? Look at your marriage. How are you treating it?

 

 

Many people say you can't decide how you feel. And to a point I agree. But you can decide where to spend your effort. And right now you are spending it on a guy who is currently out chasing AOW which is why he isn't contacting you so much. Think about that next time you want to moon over this guy.

 

 

I wish you luck.

[Cattywampus]

EyeOfTheStorm- Thank You, Thank you, Thank you.

 

You are so right and you are right, it is a military situation.

 

I don't understand how I could feel or think I feel so strongly about something that is so obviously wrong. It has thrown me off and put into a tailspin, where I question everything I thought that I knew about myself. I was the woman who previously was very judgmental about these kinds of situations, way up on my high horse.

 

I am normally level headed and logical. This guy is a scumbag and I acted like one too. I know that I am not special to him and he is not special to me... the fantasies are what are so hot...not the reality. I just want the thoughts and illusions to finish and leave me alone.

 

I am trying really hard to redirect the energy and to be more present and loving in my marriage, because after reading so many of the posts here, I think it's really clear that these situations are not good.

[eye of the storm]

You are not a scumbag. And fantasies have a time and place. Yes they are hot. Where the slope gets slippery is when we spend more time and energy in the fog than we do in real life.

 

 

Real life can be...not fun. Bills, errands, chores, all the many things it takes to keep life functioning. But one thing a fantasy cannot do is stand at your side when $h1t gets serious.

 

 

But, real life is right next to you. He chose you, publicly. You chose him, publicly. Remember why.

 

 

When you are ill, he is there. When you are sad, he is there. When you succeed, he celebrates with you.

 

 

Maybe this will turn out to be good for you. You now see you need to put time and effort into your marriage. Think of it like a garden. You need to prepare the soil, choose which plants to sow, tend them, pull out the weeds, keep the pests out and after all that work....you get to enjoy the bounty. If you don't work the garden, it gets choked out by weeds and eventually it is just a pain that you don't want to deal with.

 

 

good luck

[Imajerk17]

You are not a scumbag. And fantasies have a time and place. Yes they are hot. Where the slope gets slippery is when we spend more time and energy in the fog than we do in real life.

 

 

Real life can be...not fun. Bills, errands, chores, all the many things it takes to keep life functioning. But one thing a fantasy cannot do is stand at your side when $h1t gets serious.

 

 

But, real life is right next to you. He chose you, publicly. You chose him, publicly. Remember why.

 

 

When you are ill, he is there. When you are sad, he is there. When you succeed, he celebrates with you.

 

 

Maybe this will turn out to be good for you. You now see you need to put time and effort into your marriage. Think of it like a garden. You need to prepare the soil, choose which plants to sow, tend them, pull out the weeds, keep the pests out and after all that work....you get to enjoy the bounty. If you don't work the garden, it gets choked out by weeds and eventually it is just a pain that you don't want to deal with.

 

 

good luck

 

Well, I am not so sure Catty's husband would agree with this though. His wife, who took vows to be faithful to him and him alone, fantasizing about and going on a date with another man (and kissing OM too).... If he were to find out he would be furious to say the least. I mean, how would YOU feel, Catty, if your husband did what you did--texting and going on a date with and kissing another woman.

 

OP, what already happened is extremely serious. You did your husband dirty. I don't think you (and eye of the storm) understand just how serious this is. you are not a safe partner right now. I do hope you are doing some heavy soul-searching about your boundaries looking into how you even let this get so far.

Edited December 13, 2017 by Imajerk17

[eye of the storm]

Ima, if she were here trying to figure out how to stay with the guy, or get him back...my advice would have been different. But she came on already feeling like crap and regretting her choices.

 

 

My advice was and is, to refocus on what's important.

 

 

But you are right, she should visualize her feelings if her H had done what she did. It might also help burn off the fog.

 

 

I do understand the seriousness. I was a BW (now xW), and currently trying to be an xOW. But her post to me seemed to be how to stop thinking about this MOM. So that is how I replied.

[browzer]

I also feel like garbage.

 

Imagine the same exact scenario, except remove the fact that you and he are both married.

 

How would you feel?

 

See, you feel like garbage because you took vows to a man who committed the rest of his life to you and so did the guy you want to have sex with- with his own wife.

 

It's called guilt.

[Cattywampus]

I am not arguing with anyone's assessment of the situation and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and to share their perspective and honesty. What I am going through right now is really uncomfortable and I don't like it. To be clear I want to stop thinking about this person and to figure out why I got into this situation in the first place, and how to prevent such a thing from occurring in the future.

 

I do not want to be with the OM and I am grateful that there as been NC, even if a part of my ego questions it and misses the attention.

 

As I mentioned, It freaked me out to see how easily I fell for the illusion AND entertained fantasies for months after the actual meeting.

[Imajerk17]

I am not arguing with anyone's assessment of the situation and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and to share their perspective and honesty. What I am going through right now is really uncomfortable and I don't like it. To be clear I want to stop thinking about this person and to figure out why I got into this situation in the first place, and how to prevent such a thing from occurring in the future.

 

I do not want to be with the OM and I am grateful that there as been NC, even if a part of my ego questions it and misses the attention.

 

As I mentioned, It freaked me out to see how easily I fell for the illusion AND entertained fantasies for months after the actual meeting.

 

What *you're* going through... Don't you really mean what *your husband* is going through--he was the one who was stepped out on! Even worse the other man is in your own words a scumbag.

 

But how you got here--is it really a mystery though.

 

I mean, I suppose we all feel attraction for other people even when we are in a healthy relationship, it's probably unavoidable. You were supposed to walk *away from* the temptation though, not walk *towards* it. You instead walked towards the temptation step-by-step--you said yes to keeping on talking with him, yes to meeting up with him, yes to kissing him, and then yes to keeping in contact with him, when all along you should have been saying NO. So now here you are.

Edited December 13, 2017 by Imajerk17

[whichwayisup]

EyeOfTheStorm- Thank You, Thank you, Thank you.

 

You are so right and you are right, it is a military situation.

 

I don't understand how I could feel or think I feel so strongly about something that is so obviously wrong. It has thrown me off and put into a tailspin, where I question everything I thought that I knew about myself. I was the woman who previously was very judgmental about these kinds of situations, way up on my high horse.

 

I am normally level headed and logical. This guy is a scumbag and I acted like one too. I know that I am not special to him and he is not special to me... the fantasies are what are so hot...not the reality. I just want the thoughts and illusions to finish and leave me alone.

 

I am trying really hard to redirect the energy and to be more present and loving in my marriage, because after reading so many of the posts here, I think it's really clear that these situations are not good.

 

Delete him off of your social media and block him too. End it with him and let him know that it was a mistake, one that can never happen again.

 

Figure out what's missing inside of you and focus on fixing that and reconnecting with your husband. You're risking everything for a flirty fantasy/ego feed.

[Darren Steez]

I am not arguing with anyone's assessment of the situation and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and to share their perspective and honesty. What I am going through right now is really uncomfortable and I don't like it. To be clear I want to stop thinking about this person and to figure out why I got into this situation in the first place, and how to prevent such a thing from occurring in the future.

 

I do not want to be with the OM and I am grateful that there as been NC, even if a part of my ego questions it and misses the attention.

 

As I mentioned, It freaked me out to see how easily I fell for the illusion AND entertained fantasies for months after the actual meeting.

 

Discuss it with your husband?

 

It's actually amazing how people are dishonest while being dishonest then try and use dishonesty to fix it.

 

It's ok saying it will never happen again but the OM is part of the problem. There are plenty of suitors out there you could be "attracted to" and many of those will be more aggressive and will have no problem using every trick in the book to obtain the outcome they desire.

 

You went on a date with another man and kissed "back" but you both knew what you were there for on that dare and what was likely to happen. That's the excitement and now you're awoken to it.

[Bufo]

Sorry LS vets, but I think it's time to use the same old advice to this new poster. Carry, I have a homework assignment for you. Pick at random any ten threads started by a spouse who is attracted to another AND which contain the start, middle and ending of an A. Keep score on how many end up well for the Wandering Spouse and how many do not. Figure out the percentage of each catagory.

 

Then do the same for another 10.

 

After you have done the math, ask yourself why your situation would end up

Happily ever after if you do not end all contact with this Other Man.

 

He is grooming you for an affair. If you keep in touch or worse agree to meet him you have just accepted a job as booty call.

 

Sorry for the 2x4 but the experiences of others leads to that conclusion.

[Bufo]

Sorry LS vets, but I think it's time to use the same old advice to this new poster. Catty, I have a homework assignment for you. Pick at random any ten threads started by a spouse who is attracted to another AND which contain the start, middle and ending of an A. Keep score on how many end up well for the Wandering Spouse and how many do not. Figure out the percentage of each catagory.

 

Then do the same for another 10.

 

After you have done the math, ask yourself why your situation would end up

Happily ever after if you do not end all contact with this Other Man.

 

He is grooming you for an affair. If you keep in touch or worse agree to meet him you have just accepted a job as booty call.

 

Sorry for the 2x4 but the experiences of others leads to that conclusion.

[Bufo]

sorry. Double

Post

[jjgitties]

Good for you OP. It's great to fantasize and great to keep it in fantasy land. It gets ugly when the fantasy becomes real and other people get involved and sometimes hurt.

 

Probably not good to have an affair and screw around on your husband if you are still happy in your own marriage. if you are not, then that's another story.

 

BTW-- you know its entirely possible your crush dude is a player and thought you were an easy lay.. when you went home after the kiss, he might have realized he's barking up the wrong tree. hence the NC.

Edited December 15, 2017 by jjgitties

[misspalmy]

NC is like a drug so hard not to break it. for me i had to tell his wife. well he wont talk to me again and we have a son 13mths old. his wife took him back too lol

[Jdoublenn]

What I have to wonder, Catty, is if you don't tell hubby, and keep this under wraps, what if it happens again? This time potentially a longer affair?

 

I've read too many posts on here to not be thinking that if it happened once, whats keeping it from happening again? Im sure thats why you posted here- to get if figured out, but if you don't tell hubby, maybe you should look into talking to a therapist? Figure out why you're ok with these actions and thoughts in the first place.. stepping outside your marriage is risking a whole lot for a whole-nothing.

[Froggi]

Have some pride! Cut him off and do not communicate with him again. Then, since you are so unhappy, get a divorce. Then after you have had some counseling to figure out why you have such a bad man picker, choose more wisely next time.

[Grapesofwrath]

He was working on how to start the affair while he was at a party with his wife and children. Think about it. This is not a good dude. Best to get clear on that and reassess the fantasy.

 

Fantasies are wonderful distractions from mundane day-to-day life. It's a buzz to feel that chemical attraction. This is all just the neurochemistry of the fantasy at work. In time, it will wear off. Start and maintain NC. Cut all social media ties. You do not owe him an explanation. Each day that passes will make it easier, and one day you will wake up wondering what you were ever thinking and a feeling of relief and gratitude will wash over you.

[DKT3]

A major problem with so many wayward spouses is the inability to take responsibility for thier actions. OP I noted that you said both you and this guy we're being scumbags I agree as I'm sure your husband and his wife would. Accept that as reality, because being honest is the best way to get to authentic life, Marriage and so on, but it starts with being honest with yourself.

 

Fizzled out? Yeah, cuz you didn't give it up. Player handbook page 26 no sex move on. However, it's very likely he hasn't put away his fishing pole because your still nibbling.