A question for the spouses with lower desire

[wmacbride]

There's lots of threads on here about low/no sex marriages, and it makes me wonder how and why this is happening.

 

I was wondering if it might be helpful to look at the problem from the other side.

 

If you are or have been the person in the marriage who had the lower level of desire, can you share the reasons why you felt the way you did, if you know what they are? Was it transient and related to other things that were going on in your life or was it permanent? Were you able to change it?

 

I thought that if anyone responds, it might be helpful to someone who is looking for some answers and solutions for their own relationship.

 

Juts speaking for myself, there are times, usually only if I am really worried, stressed or sick that I have no interest. Part of that is that, with the way my mind works, it's always all over the place and hard for me to focus on any one thing at a time. Stress makes that so much worse, and, when it's like that, even if I try, I just can't shut that off and my thoughts are racing all over the place.

 

Sorry if its TMI, but the cannabis oil I took for pain had the welcome side effect of allowing me to slow my brain down and actually focus. That was helpful to me and allowed me to enjoy being with my husband, even if I had a lot on my mind.

[dichotomy]

For the first time in my life - my drive and interest in my wife has gone down. Been actually dealing with her loss for years, so this was a bit of a surprise.

 

I would say stress (work), some declines in my physical conditioning, and finally just a lack of interest in the poor sex she was offering - have caused me to loose interest. I would say its a combo of interest with my wife, and a decline in interest in general. My hormones are good so thats not a factor.

 

Dont know if this helps you - never thought I would have lost interest or had my drive go down. But I am not a young pup anymore either. Its actually a relief in a way as the issue with couples is a mismatch on drive and interest.

[Gracyd]

I haven't lost any sex drive! My husband has but he said it was a bunch of things, a new job with different hours. We both work nights so he is tired a lot of the time. He works weekends now to. I'm off Sunday and Monday and he is off Wednesday and Thursday. So that has something to do with it too

[carhill]

If you are or have been the person in the marriage who had the lower level of desire, can you share the reasons why you felt the way you did, if you know what they are?

Sure, mostly stress from caregiving and still attempting to run the shop and be a good husband.

Was it transient and related to other things that were going on in your life or was it permanent?

Transient. After death and divorce, it resolved.

Were you able to change it?

I think MC helped a bit but mostly it was relief of the stress. Beyond libido, the doctor said it was affecting my health, which had prior been exemplary.

 

I've tested things recently and when there's attraction and connection, the stuff works like it always has. Kinda surprising at this stage of life. Anyway, I've always viewed libido stuff as transitory and cyclical and not the be-all and end-all of the relationship or marriage. Expressing love and connection can occur in many ways and often those ways lead to revving up that libido. That's how it's worked for me anyway.

[Thegameoflife]

It's either a physical health problem, or stress. For most people, it's stress. Realistically, unless you change the environment to reduce stress on the person with reduced desire, things don't get better. Sometimes, the psychological negative associations with sex will just never be overcome, and acceptance of this, or divorce, is the solution for most.

[SunnyWeather]

It's either a physical health problem, or stress. For most people, it's stress. Realistically, unless you change the environment to reduce stress on the person with reduced desire, things don't get better. Sometimes, the psychological negative associations with sex will just never be overcome, and acceptance of this, or divorce, is the solution for most.

 

While those factors could play a part, there are certainly other reasons why one's sex drive would decline toward a spouse/partner. Certain behaviors could be a big turn off that over time and lack of interest in changing, could put a damper on things to the point of completely shutting down. Another, would be laziness and not tending to your lover's needs. After some time and unwillingness to change, it is inevitable that one would tune out and turn off.

 

Indifference is the number one killer for a marriage

[carhill]

One way to differentiate is if the expression of libido towards one's spouse or partner is solely diminished or, alternatively, libido in general is diminished.

 

I can't speak for women but, in general, men think about sex often, perhaps less often at my age now than when a teenager but the thoughts cross our mind pretty regularly and we'll often get spontaneous erections with no stimulation other than those thoughts. That's our hormones talking, our libido.

 

Personally, when my libido diminished, it was global. I didn't think about sex very often and, during some stretches of days or weeks, at all. Even the normal male hormonal rise that I'd experience prior to and upon waking in the morning was gone. Why? Dealing with a nut case who was up all night. Sleep deprivation. That's a killer. Learned that the hard way. Now, long down the road, even much older, those old hormonal cycles are back even without a partner. The libido is there. Hope that makes sense!

[basil67]

I've experienced it twice.

 

First time, I was in my early 20's with a failing marriage. This was back around 1990 and I had no idea of the links between emotional connection and sex drive. I remember feeling so broken. After I finally left him, my sex drive came back in bucket loads.

 

Second time is now. I went into menopause at 44 and 6 years later, I'm still requiring HRT. Sex drive has tanked and I'm absolutely devastated. I even tried viagra and testosterone replacements - neither worked.

 

For identifying the cause of sex drive problems, I'd highly recommend this book: Where Did My Libido Go? Dr Rosie King.