Wedding questions?

[Els]

The SO and I are getting married next year, and are swamped with planning. Gosh, I really had no idea weddings were so complicated!

 

A big question... we were tentatively hoping to have our main ceremony/reception be child-free, or at least child-under-10-free. Is this as common as I think it is (from what I've read), or is it actually fairly uncommon? Would people be offended if they can't bring their children? What would the best/least offensive way be to specify this in the invite?

[Art_Critic]

Would people be offended if they can't bring their children?

I don't think it is all uncommon to have childless weddings but if you do then expect less people to attend.

Someone who would have to hire a sitter for 20-30.00 per hour might say it isn't worth it and not come.

[Els]

I don't think it is all uncommon but if you state that and don't allow children then expect less people to attend.

Someone who would have to hire a sitter for 20-30.00 per hour might say it isn't worth it and not come.

 

Totally okay with us. If the couple was close to us we'd offer to pay for babysitting, but if they were just acquaintances it doesn't matter too much whether they decide to come or not. Just don't want to offend anyone because we still have to work with them, lol. It's a small world here.

[Art_Critic]

and I wouldn't be offended but I would weigh the cost of the sitter vs whose wedding it was we were attending.

 

If you were offering to pay then that would set aside the issue with me, and I doubt I would let you pay for the sitter

[GorillaTheater]

It wouldn't bother me. Typically it was a good excuse for me to volunteer to do something else with the kids.

 

 

And congrats, Els!

[Els]

It wouldn't bother me. Typically it was a good excuse for me to volunteer to do something else with the kids.

 

 

And congrats, Els!

 

Thanks!!

 

Also, good to know it wouldn't be as offensive as we feared it'd be, haha.

[amaysngrace]

Nobody wants kids at a wedding, not even their parents

[carhill]

IME destination weddings were more likely to be effectively child-free. Local ones tougher. IMO, the bride and groom can request anything they choose to. It's their day.

 

I went to a few, mostly at churches, where they set up a child care location at the adjacent bible study/meeting rooms and brought in a few carers who were both parishioners and professional carers and those minded the children while the adults were in church. The receptions were all-welcome.

 

I got a lot of that care stuff as a kid, save for very few weddings, and mostly ones I was in as an usher or ring bearer when young. I hardly remember any where I was a spectator. However, all were at churches so perhaps that was the reason. Or maybe my parents found me to be too disruptive

[Els]

Interesting. It sounds like most people don't actually specify anything about it on the invite, then?

[amaysngrace]

Interesting. It sounds like most people don't actually specify anything about it on the invite, then?

 

Nope. Just address the invitation to "Mr and Mrs" or however else you would address the adults.

[carhill]

Yup, when it was all-welcome it would be Mr and Mrs X and Family. Of course we all knew that 'family' was our own children, not third cousins twice removed It's kinda like knowing which fork to eat salad with

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Most people are smart enough to know if the kids aren't including on the invitation, they aren't invited to the wedding/reception. However, you will still get dum dums who a. don't get it, b. pretend to not realize it and/or c. get offended that kids aren't invited.

 

It's your wedding, though, and if you don't want to pay for 30 extra mouths who won't eat much anyway, you have every right .

 

Congrats!!

[d0nnivain]

Proper etiquette indicates that only the people on the invitation are included. Most people understand that even for the little ones wedding meals are expensive so it's rude & presumptuous to add additional people.

 

Nobody actually tried to bring their little kids to our wedding but it was a black tie evening event at a swanky hotel where most kids would be bored to tears. One friend ask why her 22 year old sons weren't given invitations. I replied I thought they'd hate it. They don't even own ties. Since she fussed & we were under budget I said they could come if they wanted. Both young men said they were happy that didn't have to go to a stuffy event.

 

We did offer to supply babysitting services including specialized respite care at our expense for guests, including a couple with a special needs Autistic son. I called those people & told them about the option shortly after the invites went out because I didn't want them to day no because they couldn't afford a sitter. Nobody took us up on that offer.

[Els]

Thanks guys! I guess we'll word the invites that way and pray real hard that everyone gets the hint, lol.

[d0nnivain]

Best wishes & happy planning.

 

When people start "should-ing" you as in you should do this or that, take a deep breath, smile, hear them out, don't say anything & do what you want anyway. Remember to focus on each other through all the stress.

[lana-banana]

Congratulations! So excited for you!

 

I know what common sense and etiquette dictates, but specify somewhere (your wedding website, save the dates, wherever) that children aren't invited. We had our wedding at the top ranked cocktail bar in the entire country---i.e. an extremely swank place with tons of alcohol, glass, that is very obviously not child-friendly---and we still had someone ask about kids!

 

You can do it politely. Something like "Due to the nature of our venue our event will not be able to accommodate children" or something, and then provide information about local hotel and childcare resources if applicable. The sooner you put the information out there, the sooner people can start planning ahead.

[healing light]

What lana-banana said. Don't hope people will get the hint--definitely put it somewhere like the save the date, website, etc. I like the way that poster suggested you phrase it. One of my aunts brought grandkids to a wedding that were not invited--and one was sick with diarrhea. Several people complained to the bride afterward that she had banged into them with her stroller.

[Els]

Thanks so much guys! Will do that.

 

Best wishes & happy planning.

 

When people start "should-ing" you as in you should do this or that, take a deep breath, smile, hear them out, don't say anything & do what you want anyway. Remember to focus on each other through all the stress.

 

Totally agree with this. We're both actually fairly laid-back about the wedding - I mean, we do want it to be a memorable day for both of us, but we are quite complementary in how we go about planning things in general. He tells me what he would like to have (usually only a few core concepts), and I sort out the details. No fighting about preferences. It's mostly family and colleagues/acquaintances that's the annoying part.

 

There has been a lot of fun and bonding so far mixed in with the stress of dealing with family though, so hopefully we'll be all good on that front!

Edited December 15, 2017 by Elswyth

[Els]

I tried to change my thread title to "Wedding questions" to prevent needing to create a new thread for every one I had, but can't seem to do so. Could a mod help please?

 

I have another Q: We might have to have a 3-4 hr gap in between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception (due to venue restrictions). I read up weddingbee etc and it seems like there are two very steadfast camps of opinions about long gaps, lol. One says that long gaps between the ceremony and reception are normal and perhaps even welcome (so guests can relax and maybe nap between the two events), another says that they're terrible.

 

Is there a prevailing opinion on this? Or should we just do what we want? We would need to change our ceremony venue to avoid a gap, and we love the venue we have provisionally booked!! On the other hand, we don't want to inconvenience our guests. I think almost all guests who come will have at least one night's accommodation nearby, though (so they can go back and nap if they want to), and there's plenty to do in the area (it's not exactly out in the middle of the woods).

 

To clarify: This isn't really a "destination wedding" per se. We've just moved around so much (as have most people in our social circles) that our friends/relatives live in about 10 different places, lol. Flying in for weddings is very common in our circles.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Elswyth

[todreaminblue]

Congrats elswyth...yay....smilin...i dont feel anyone should get offended considering its yours and your so's day...everybody has a right to that day being their day ......it would be rude and thoughtless to get offended honestly.....

 

those who truly love you and really really want to share such a special time with you both....will want you to have your day exactly as you wish it to be.....good luck...and best wishes....for a lovely perfect day..deb...

[introverted1]

I think having a 4-hour gap makes it more likely that people will just turn up for the reception and skip the service. For the women especially, they won't want to have to deal with fixing hair and makeup after a nap (also, not everyone wants to nap) and having to spend 4 hours waiting to go to a party (which is what it is for most attendees) can be perceived as an inconvenience.

 

Can you have the service closer? Or even at the reception venue?

 

And big congratulations! :love:

[lana-banana]

I'm very much on Team Do What You Want (This Is Genuinely About You) but a four-hour gap between events will almost certainly lead to people skipping the ceremony as Introverted said. Is there anything you could arrange for guests in the meantime, like a wine tasting or luncheon or something? Or can you find a reception venue that is closer?

 

One of the first things we did was make a list of everything we REALLY cared about. Everything that didn't fall on that list was something we were willing to compromise or alter as needed and we didn't spend any more money than we absolutely had to. If your ceremony venue is very important to you but your reception venue isn't, it may be worth trying to find another place for the reception.

 

I have friends who made their marriage into a weekend. They had a bar crawl with friends on Thursday, a family-only ceremony Friday, a large reception Saturday and a brunch on Sunday. Because the ceremony was only for immediate family, they arranged for limos to take other out-of-town guests to various breweries, wineries and museums around the area on Friday. It worked well because everyone only RSVP'd to the events they wanted/were able to attend and there was no pressure about missing the "main event". Unconventional arrangements can work!

[Els]

I'm very much on Team Do What You Want (This Is Genuinely About You) but a four-hour gap between events will almost certainly lead to people skipping the ceremony as Introverted said. Is there anything you could arrange for guests in the meantime, like a wine tasting or luncheon or something? Or can you find a reception venue that is closer?

 

One of the first things we did was make a list of everything we REALLY cared about. Everything that didn't fall on that list was something we were willing to compromise or alter as needed and we didn't spend any more money than we absolutely had to. If your ceremony venue is very important to you but your reception venue isn't, it may be worth trying to find another place for the reception.

 

I think having a 4-hour gap makes it more likely that people will just turn up for the reception and skip the service. For the women especially, they won't want to have to deal with fixing hair and makeup after a nap (also, not everyone wants to nap) and having to spend 4 hours waiting to go to a party (which is what it is for most attendees) can be perceived as an inconvenience.

 

Can you have the service closer? Or even at the reception venue?

 

And big congratulations! :love:

 

Thanks so much for the input! Unfortunately the only slot the ceremony venue can offer to those of us who aren't having our reception there is during the early afternoon. We are open to changing the reception venue, however it is extremely difficult to have a reception at 3pm. Given that so many people would have to fly in to attend, we feel that we should provide them with a nice dinner and afterparty at least, not just canapes/cocktails.

 

The SO and I both really do not like the pricing and look of the reception package at our ceremony venue. So the only way to prevent a gap is to change our ceremony venue. But I reaaaaaaalllyyyyy like the ceremony venue. Aside from that, I guess I personally would also like to take the time to rest in between the two (the SO and I are big on afternoon naps whenever we can manage, even when we are traveling, lol). But not being able to wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

 

We are okay if anyone wants to skip the ceremony (though I suspect anyone who is willing to fly in would be willing to attend). We could definitely arrange for activities for those who are interested in between the ceremony and reception also, thanks for that suggestion! Wine-tasting tours might be a bit expensive for many people (the usual costs at our location are ~$100/pp), but we could look for more affordable activities.

 

Congrats elswyth...yay....smilin...i dont feel anyone should get offended considering its yours and your so's day...everybody has a right to that day being their day ......it would be rude and thoughtless to get offended honestly.....

 

those who truly love you and really really want to share such a special time with you both....will want you to have your day exactly as you wish it to be.....good luck...and best wishes....for a lovely perfect day..deb...

 

Thanks Deb!

Edited December 18, 2017 by Elswyth

[CC12]

Congrats, Elswyth! Happy for you.

 

I have another Q: We might have to have a 3-4 hr gap in between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception (due to venue restrictions).

 

Alright, so, a ceremony is at least an hour, right? Then a reception is at least, what, three hours? So with a 3-4 hour gap in between, that would be asking your guests to devote at least 7-8 hours of one day to your wedding. And that doesn't include travel time, or time spent getting ready.

 

I, personally, as a guest would feel sort of annoyed by that a gap. That 3-4 hours would mostly be spent waiting in my uncomfortable fancy clothes. I mean, sure, I'd take a nap during that time, or possibly I could spend 2.5 hours at a museum or something, but please still understand that I would simply be killing time during that gap. It's really not enough time to do anything meaningful.

 

Plus, if you're asking that children not attend, that is even more time/money spent on babysitters that your guest had to hire in order to attend your wedding.

 

Ultimately, you do what you want. If you must have this gap in order to use your dream location, maybe you can figure out something really great to do during those hours so people aren't just sitting around waiting and killing time. Is there anywhere on the grounds where you can have hors d'oeuvres and wine and photos of everyone (not just the wedding party) during that gap? Shuttle all your guests to a bingo hall and play some games, or something? I'd say the best way to maneuver the gap would be to do something fun or worthwhile to keep your guests entertained.

 

Best of luck!

[Els]

Congrats, Elswyth! Happy for you.

 

 

 

Alright, so, a ceremony is at least an hour, right? Then a reception is at least, what, three hours? So with a 3-4 hour gap in between, that would be asking your guests to devote at least 7-8 hours of one day to your wedding. And that doesn't include travel time, or time spent getting ready.

 

I, personally, as a guest would feel sort of annoyed by that a gap. That 3-4 hours would mostly be spent waiting in my uncomfortable fancy clothes. I mean, sure, I'd take a nap during that time, or possibly I could spend 2.5 hours at a museum or something, but please still understand that I would simply be killing time during that gap. It's really not enough time to do anything meaningful.

 

Plus, if you're asking that children not attend, that is even more time/money spent on babysitters that your guest had to hire in order to attend your wedding.

 

Ultimately, you do what you want. If you must have this gap in order to use your dream location, maybe you can figure out something really great to do during those hours so people aren't just sitting around waiting and killing time. Is there anywhere on the grounds where you can have hors d'oeuvres and wine and photos of everyone (not just the wedding party) during that gap? Shuttle all your guests to a bingo hall and play some games, or something? I'd say the best way to maneuver the gap would be to do something fun or worthwhile to keep your guests entertained.

 

Best of luck!

 

Thanks!

 

It's really interesting to hear opinions from you guys, because in our culture gaps between the ceremony and reception (which is always a dinner) are very standard. However, the guests we are inviting wouldn't all be from our culture, so it's certainly helpful to know what the expectations are in Caucasian cultures.

 

Should we include an option in the RSVP form for people to indicate whether they are interested in the in-between activities or not? And if so, how do we indicate that this is 100% optional and that the bride and groom won't be there? (I mean, of course everything is "optional" technically speaking, but... you get what I mean, right? ) Personally I would be in a bit of a quandary if I just received an invitation to afternoon activities without knowing if it was an expectation or not.