Visited my LD boyfriend for two days. Got a ton of mixed messages. .

[Marcella]

I apologize for the length, but I wanted to present a clear version of facts.

 

In 2010 I friended a younger man on Facebook (let's call him Steve). We both liked some retro fashion pages. Steve was younger than me but quickly developed a crush. I liked him as he was sweet and gentlemanly, but felt it was artificial as we were on Facebook and were separated by several states.

 

Fast forward to 2014. Steve is headed to my town on business and invited me to dinner. I accept. He turns out to be more serious in person, but I'm attracted. He asks to kiss me goodnight and it was wonderful. He returns to Ohio, now begins talking about a future together. I'm stymied, as I usually avoid long-distance relationships but I like him. But I cannot move.

 

Soon after we meet in 2014, I lose my job and eventually lose my house. Then my mother falls and ends up in a nursing home. I'm severely depressed and end up on antidepressants but I don't tell Steve. Instead, we chat less on Facebook. In hindsight this was wrong, but depression can be contagious and I didn't want to upset him.

 

Fast-forward to this year. I plan a trip to see Steve and although he's been less chatty this year, he still says he's glad. I arrive at his place.

 

Now things get weird.

 

Steve is oddly cold to me. He is suffering from a broken elbow so I first think this is the problem, but my intuition says something else is wrong. Although neither of us were expecting sex, he wouldn't even kiss me until I asked. But he's polite, drives me around, and tells me he is seeing nobody else.

 

He takes me to the airport and later says that it was "wonderful to see me". I go on to the rest of my holiday, but begin to notice he's not messaging me.

 

Two days later I look at his Instagram account (I rarely use Instagram) and accidentally click on a friend of his whose account is Private, as I thought I would see her bio. (I use Disqus a lot.) She immediately sent me a "who are you?" message. I apologized saying I was also a friend of Steve's, and she begins going on about how they exchange "steamy messages". What a weird thing to tell a stranger, I think.

 

Next I get a message from Steve, asking me why am I looking at his old Instagram pics and contacting his friends. I'm shocked, but tell him I clicked on her as I thought she was someone else (which was true), and I clicked on her icon, not her Follow link.

 

I decide to take down FB and Instagram.

 

A week later I'm home and have heard nothing from Steve. I send a short email, saying I hope your elbow is better. I also say I took down FB, didn't block him.

 

He replies and says he appreciates the information. He also says he's scheduled for an MRI. Since I left he became dizzy, then his face went numb and he couldn't taste anything. I'm scared, so I ask that he let me know the MRI results.

 

But he doesn't. I crank up Facebook and he eventually reports to his friends that the results were clear. But he doesn't bother to tell me.

 

Now I'm very upset. I text Steve and congratulate him for hurting me, as he knew his symptoms were worrying me. I'm angry and don't mince words.

 

He finally replies, saying I had been going hot and cold on him for the past year, and he couldn't handle my 180-degree emotional flip. I should "spare him the emotion". He also says he hadn't had time to respond to me as he has "other crap in his life he has to sort out". He says we shouldn't communicate any more.

 

I think about the situation for a while and I realize that he has a point - during my depression I didn't talk to him much. I eventually apologize and tell him I love him. He doesn't answer.

 

Here's the $64,000 question. If he had decided he wasn't interested in me any more, why did he encourage my visit right before I headed his way?

And if he meant to break up with me during my visit, what stopped him?

Edited December 14, 2017 by Marcella

[Chilli]

Yeah , he's not gonna break up with you while your visiting though what sort of an ssh@le act would that be.

 

But he's def' losing it now , yaknow after some time together maybe there just wasn't enough there , and the friend , l mean who knows but she does seem more important to him lately .

[Jdoublenn]

Here's the $64,000 question. If he had decided he wasn't interested in me any more, why did he encourage my visit right before I headed his way?

And if he meant to break up with me during my visit, what stopped him?

 

I think the answer is the same. He has no backbone. He didn't stop the trip because he's too much of a child. Which is the same reason he chose the 'fade off' breakup instead of just telling you.

 

Do NOT blame yourself. If this relationship was meant to be, the year that you didn't text as much bc of your depression wouldn't matter.

[healing light]

This is a weird situation. Were you guys even dating or in a relationship? Your message does not make it seem to be the case.

 

How could she know that you looked at her page? Was it her story that you clicked on? That does tell you a person's name but, really, should be no big deal if a stranger peeks at your story if it's public. So bizarre that she would message you at all and then tell you unsolicited information.

 

If this guy is accusing you of being emotional and doing 180's, I would give him ALL the space in the world. Respect his request for no contact--it sounds like he's done. Guys usually won't hold being less chatty against you, especially if your depression was in 2014 and not this year... that smacks of an excuse to me.

 

Maybe he was already emotionally vested in the other girl or had decided he wasn't interested in anything more by the time you flew in, hence the coldness. But, either way, it didn't sound to me like you were dating? So you got one kiss over several years? And a second that you asked for?

 

Either way, there's no use analyzing what could have, should have happened since it doesn't sound like it will change the outcome. I would just back off.

[basil67]

Unfortunately, your recognition that you had done a 180 on him came too late. Things could have been different if either of you communicated...him asking what was going on or you telling him....but there's no sense looking back and worrying about what could have been.

 

The girl who told you that they share sexy messages? That wasn't weird at all: She was clearly marking her territory. It's exactly the type of thing to say to someone who appears to be looking at your profile and showing interest in the person you've got a thing going on with.

 

Given the lack of communication, lack of sex and him needing permission to kiss you, it doesn't sound like you were in a relationship. There was nothing for him to break up.

 

Oh well, onwards and upwards. And next time you date, don't keep your life a secret from the person you are seeing. There is no valor in "protecting" a partner from the problems we may experience in our lives.

Edited December 17, 2017 by basil67

[anika99]

I'm also confused by the nature of your relationship with this guy. By reading your timeline it sounds like you saw him once in person in 2014 and since then you have only chatted with him on Facebook but not that much because you have been depressed and had a lot of trouble in your life. It really doesn't sound like you two were in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship at all. If I were talking sporadically to a guy on Facebook and I only saw him twice in almost 4 years I would assume that he would be dating other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Add me to the list of confused posters. It doesn't sound like he was ever your boyfriend, OP.

 

You pulled away from him, so he moved on.

[Marcella]

It's embarrassing to admit it took me so long to figure out some major things about this relationship. I loved the made-up relationship I had concocted; not the real thing. There was no real thing.

 

I don't know how we both got so emotionally invested, considering we never had a serious conversation about a future together. And I will never know why he didn't just tell me not to visit - he had plenty of time to do so. It looks like if he didn't postpone, he'd use our time together to tell me he was unhappy. Remember, he NEVER once said anything about being unhappy. Instead, when I was quiet for a while, he'd say "Am I bothering you?"

 

And remember his female Instagram friend who sent me the note about "steamy notes"? I went back and looked at Steve's more recent Instagram posts. She hasn't liked or commented on his stuff in weeks. I have no idea what that means.

 

More reasons why I loved the idea of a relationship with Steve.

 

• He has a large, close-knit family - I don't have one at all.
   
  
• He doesn't live in Texas; I don' t like it here but my mom's in a memory care unit and I do what the staff doesn't do for her.
   
  
• His messages convinced me he was smitten. Considering the age difference (he's 40, I'm 57) my big old ego liked this.
  

 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'll try to be useful here.

[Jdoublenn]

It's embarrassing to admit it took me so long to figure out some major things about this relationship. I loved the made-up relationship I had concocted; not the real thing. There was no real thing.

 

.

Good for you for opening your eyes to what it was! Most people struggle for a long time before ever being able to see the full picture.

 

Things will get better! I'm sure you'll find a guy who is meant perfectly for you!