Breakup before or after the holidays with a very nice person?

[healing light]

I think the original poster comes across as mature, intelligent, and considerate. It is far better to break up with someone you're not in love with rather than drag them out for years with false hope. I generally think falling in love happens within the first 3-6 months or sooner...

 

So, I have no clue why everyone is on this poster's ass about being official the last 1.5 months when they were only dating the past 3-4 (met at the beginning of summer, started casually dating at the end). This is all a reasonable time frame to try to feel someone out and see how you feel about them. It's a completely reasonable time frame, imo, with getting into a relationship with someone and hoping your "strong like" turns into a "love."

 

I think to have cut it off before this time would have been perhaps a bit premature, especially if this person has a lot of great qualities. I agree that love is not a choice, it's something you can choose to express in your actions, but you can't choose whether or not someone does it for you or doesn't, in my personal experience.

 

That being said, it's a sad situation and I'm glad the poster is here seeking advice on how to do it in the best manner possible. I feel you should either break up with the girlfriend now or wait until mid-January (don't wait too long--Valentine's Day will be right around the corner!). Between Christmas and New Years will still have the same effect of ruining the holidays, making the girl analyze wtf just happened when she thought everyone was getting closer and making good memories.

 

Realize this relationship has only been official for 1.5 months and sounded kind of like a "see where it goes vibe" when exclusivity was broached, so it shouldn't be so surprising or devastating that it ends now rather than taking off. Don't feel obligated.... It completely sucks that her friend just died and the holidays are around the corner, but I personally wouldn't drag it on longer than the next month. I think all the memories you'll be making between now and then, especially if the woman is falling in love, will only make it harder to get over you. There's a difference in the emotional bonding in a couple in the first 1-2 months, imo, than the next 3-4, and 4-6. This is when people start falling in love...or they don't.

Edited December 17, 2017 by healing light
grammar

[8Bay8]

I think the original poster comes across as mature, intelligent, and considerate. It is far better to break up with someone you're not in love with rather than drag them out for years with false hope. I generally think falling in love happens within the first 3-6 months or sooner...

 

So, I have no clue why everyone is on this poster's ass about being official the last 1.5 months when they were only dating the past 3-4 (met at the beginning of summer, started casually dating at the end). This is all a reasonable time frame to try to feel someone out and see how you feel about them. It's a completely reasonable time frame, imo, with getting into a relationship with someone and hoping your "strong like" turns into a "love."

 

I think to have cut it off before this time would have been perhaps a bit premature, especially if this person has a lot of great qualities. I agree that love is not a choice, it's something you can choose to express in your actions, but you can't choose whether or not someone does it for you or doesn't, in my personal experience.

 

That being said, it's a sad situation and I'm glad the poster is here seeking advice on how to do it in the best manner possible. I feel you should either break up with the girlfriend now or wait until mid-January (don't wait too long--Valentine's Day will be right around the corner!). Between Christmas and New Years will still have the same effect of ruining the holidays, making the girl analyze wtf just happened when she thought everyone was getting closer and making good memories.

 

Realize this relationship has only been official for 1.5 months and sounded kind of like a "see where it goes vibe" when exclusivity was broached, so it shouldn't be so surprising or devastating that it ends now rather than taking off. Don't feel obligated.... It completely sucks that her friend just died and the holidays are around the corner, but I personally wouldn't drag it on longer than the next month. I think all the memories you'll be making between now and then, especially if the woman is falling in love, will only make it harder to get over you. There's a difference in the emotional bonding in a couple in the first 1-2 months, imo, than the next 3-4, and 4-6. This is when people start falling in love...or they don't.

 

Thank you so much for displaying your opinion in such an objective way without any cutting. Not to say that I am doing some good deed, obviously. However, it has to be done - this is true. If done after the holidays, the January timeframe would be the one and early enough so she doesn't start planning a Valentine's anything. As you mentioned, I do fear that approaches that dangerous timeframe of further emotion and heartbreak. Here is the rock and the hard place.

 

Thank you again for writing your opinions in a kind way.

[8Bay8]

This scenario is just not possible.

 

People know within first dates if they are very attracted to someone and the right chemistry is there. That doesn't just change out of thin air in the next few months. The only way it would change is if this person severly misrepresented themselves (lied about something major, personality totally changed). OP says neither is the case. So I don't get it. The only way this scenario is possible is if the OP wasn't feeling the chemistry from the start but hopped it would grow. In that case OP has strung this poor girl along for

months and even introduced her to family

 

How about you just don't date people you are not that into in the future?

 

I never said she became unattractive. I said I never fell in love. We aren't in love with people when we first meet and/or date them. That happens after a time of doing so. It seems to be starting for her now and I am not in love with her. This must be possible because it has happened. I honestly don't think I am the first person it has happened to. However, the timing of the breakup is what is extraordinarily unfortunate to put it mildly. That is what this thread seeks advice on. So advising people to know ahead of time whether they will fall in love with anyone they meet before even dating them is actually what seems impossible and helps nothing in the dilemma currently posed. Thank you for your reponse, though.

[Vivir]

I also think you should end it before the holidays if you are not feeling it. It won't be easy no matter how you do it, and your own holiday may hit a snag based on her reaction. But waiting does both of you a disservice. It gives her a chance to make some other plans if she wants to do so, and it helps you not to live a lie.

[No_Go]

This scenario is just not possible.

 

People know within first dates if they are very attracted to someone and the right chemistry is there. That doesn't just change out of thin air in the next few months. The only way it would change is if this person severly misrepresented themselves (lied about something major, personality totally changed). OP says neither is the case. So I don't get it. The only way this scenario is possible is if the OP wasn't feeling the chemistry from the start but hopped it would grow. In that case OP has strung this poor girl along for

months and even introduced her to family

 

How about you just don't date people you are not that into in the future?

 

Exactly! And the sudden realization of OP that she “doesn’t love her GF” days before the holidays... Unless there is an event that is spared here - it makes no sense...

 

Was there something concrete that made you come to your realization OP? Like someone else trying to interfere?

[8Bay8]

Exactly! And the sudden realization of OP that she “doesn’t love her GF” days before the holidays... Unless there is an event that is spared here - it makes no sense...

 

Was there something concrete that made you come to your realization OP? Like someone else trying to interfere?

 

No one tried to interfere. Her feelings clearly developing more than mine is what made this realization happen. This answer will not change no matter how many different ways you all try to ask this same question over and over and over. Just because you don't like my answer, and want there to be some further drama for some reason, does not make it not the answer anymore. AGAIN this answer I have repeated countless times has nothing to do with HOW to handle this breakup which is what this post is about.

[lana-banana]

1) Hurry. You are running out of time.

 

2) Do it in public, but preferably close to her house. Breaking up in private never ends well---usually the person being dumped wants to talk more about it (which turns into a marathon conversation in which they desperately try to change your mind). Doing it in public also ensures everybody involved keeps some level of composure.

 

3) Be direct. Don't suggest meeting up soon or anything like that. Anything that offers even the slightest chance of reconciliation could really throw her for a loop.

 

Good luck. Breaking up is never easy and it's important to always handle it with the maximum amount of dignity, compassion and grace.

[HiCrunchy]

No one tried to interfere. Her feelings clearly developing more than mine is what made this realization happen. This answer will not change no matter how many different ways you all try to ask this same question over and over and over. Just because you don't like my answer, and want there to be some further drama for some reason, does not make it not the answer anymore. AGAIN this answer I have repeated countless times has nothing to do with HOW to handle this breakup which is what this post is about.

 

 

Hey Op. I don't think they mean to jump down your throat on this forum but you are going to get a lot of different opinions. And when it comes to relationships all we have to go on is our own experiences. When nothing seems wrong in the relationship and there isn't an explanation for why things aren't working people get confused which is why so many are asking you why you are leaving this girl if for the most part everything is fine.

 

But think of their reactions as how this girl you are going to be dumping is going to react. She is going to want to know why "you don't feel this way". She is going to ask you why, and from what I understand you really haven't reflected as to why. I would urge you to reflect so you have an answer for her because she is going to ask, but I don't think you have the time to do so because of the holiday situation. I think the best explanation you can give her is that you yourself don't understand why but that your feelings haven't grown in a romantic way.

 

I know you are trying to do right by her, but many of us have been in op's girl's shoes I suppose and seeing this side of what our dumpers were thinking shows us a side of them that we just can not understand.

 

I don't think you are a bad person, but to the dumpee especially with the circumstances being what they, are you are going to be leave a world of hurt for her.

 

I am glad that you have a heart and are trying to be as painless as possible, as that speaks to your character. If you treat her with care, she will not hate you as a person. She may miss you and long for you because as you say maybe she is in love with you. I do not understand the dynamic of your situation. It sounds like you were together for a while, but I don't know if love was said or if it was causal but monogamous.

 

Do it now. When she gets back. If you have mutual friends, have some one check in on her so she doesn't hurt herself or do something crazy. In person and letting her cry is best. Let her say her piece. Then tell her you want her to move on and that you are going no contact so that she can let you go.

 

I think a lot of us, see ourselves in her, myself included. And if she is a kind heart and as loving as you think she is then she will hurt for a long time.

 

I am still hurting after more than 1 year and my break up was as kind as they get. Because I truly loved him.

 

I really hope your girl isn't as blindsided as I was and that she heals quickly and finds someone who will love her.

 

Best of luck op

[HiCrunchy]

1) Hurry. You are running out of time.

 

2) Do it in public, but preferably close to her house. Breaking up in private never ends well---usually the person being dumped wants to talk more about it (which turns into a marathon conversation in which they desperately try to change your mind). Doing it in public also ensures everybody involved keeps some level of composure.

 

It depends on the person. Private is best in my opinion. Yes you might be dragged into talking but that is the risk you take and hopefully you can just let the person say their piece. If your mind is truly made up, it will not make a difference. Public runs the risk of someone making a scene of the ordeal (crying, yelling, etc), which will make it more uncomfortable for both parties involved. I know I wasn't afraid of crying hysterically and very loudly. I didn't care who heard me. If anything is brought more attention and stares from others that wasn't a good look.

Edited December 17, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[BaileyB]

If you are going to do it before Christmas, the longer you wait the closer we get to the holiday...

 

After reading your last few posts, I am now of the opinion that you should be honest and just tell her how you are feeling. I say this only because, this girl deserves to be with someone who loves her and wants to be with her... and that is clearly not you.

 

There is no way that I would want to spend the holidays with someone who dumped me a week before Christmas and his family... I would rather spend the holidays with a friend or distant family members or alone, frankly.

 

Best wishes and happy holidays.

Edited December 17, 2017 by BaileyB

[8Bay8]

If you are going to do it before Christmas, the longer you wait the closer we get to the holiday...

 

After reading your last few posts, I am now of the opinion that you should be honest and just tell her how you are feeling. I say this only because, this girl deserves to be with someone who loves her and wants to be with her... and that is clearly not you.

 

There is no way that I would want to spend the holidays with someone who dumped me a week before Christmas and his family... Best wishes and happy holidays.

 

I do see how it needs to be done as soon as possible. I will be doing it as soon as she's back in town from the funeral. thank you for your response!

[No_Go]

No one tried to interfere. Her feelings clearly developing more than mine is what made this realization happen. This answer will not change no matter how many different ways you all try to ask this same question over and over and over. Just because you don't like my answer, and want there to be some further drama for some reason, does not make it not the answer anymore. AGAIN this answer I have repeated countless times has nothing to do with HOW to handle this breakup which is what this post is about.

 

You got scared because she tried pushing the relationship forward? I don’t think you have a way to know for sure if her feelings are stronger than yours - she can be more expressive and that’s that.

 

Break up: for god sakes - it is grizzly to do it now. A week before Christmas and days after a friend of hers died.

 

If you want maybe don’t invite her to spend Christmas Day with your family - just take few hours to do something with her.

Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Folks, after a bit of clean up I will remind everyone that hasn't already heard from me on this thread about our Community Guidelines regarding civility and respect.

 

Those guidelines are in full effect here so consider this your warning before loss of posting privileges ~T

[8Bay8]

You got scared because she tried pushing the relationship forward? I don’t think you have a way to know for sure if her feelings are stronger than yours - she can be more expressive and that’s that.

 

Break up: for god sakes - it is grizzly to do it now. A week before Christmas and days after a friend of hers died.

 

If you want maybe don’t invite her to spend Christmas Day with your family - just take few hours to do something with her.

 

Not falling in love with someone doesn't mean I got scared and she didn't actually seemingly "push" anything. I am not in love with her and it is wrong to let it turn into a further relationship with that info.

 

againShe is out of town for this weekend at the funeral for the friend that was mentioned as passing away in the original post. I will not be breaking up with her until I am able to do it with the respect of being in person. If anyone has any further input on experiences or wording that they respected, etc, that is why this thread has continued until she returns. Thank you.

Edited December 17, 2017 by 8Bay8

[No_Go]

If anyone has any further input on experiences or wording that they respected, etc, that is why this thread has continued until she returns. Thank you.

 

Avoid mentioning the whole falling / not falling in love thing whatsoever. Phrasing it like “I don’t see myself investing into a relationship at that time and don’t want to lead you on” is perhaps the closest to acceptable. Also: let her tell you anything that she needs: if she needs to vent, cry, talk - do it. Ensure you give her plenty of time for that, not meet&greet, dump and gotta-go. If you’re doing in on Saturday morning it is the best, then she’ll have 48 h to decomvolute, discuss it with you if that what she needs and be able to resume life on Monday .

 

Again - Saturday before Christmas or before New Year’s Eve is like intentionally torturous . Same for Valentine’s Day. Mid January is possibly the safest time.

[vickyp]

It's cruel either way. I mean like others said, it took you that long to realize she wasn't long term? Either way, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Good luck.

[8Bay8]

It's cruel either way. I mean like others said, it took you that long to realize she wasn't long term? Either way, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Good luck.

 

Thank you for the good luck wishes. I do wish I had somehow been able to figure it out sooner. This does suck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for the good luck wishes. I do wish I had somehow been able to figure it out sooner. This does suck.

 

If it were August 17th instead of December 17th, I don't think anyone would be saying "why did it take you so long?"

 

I see nothing wrong at all with how "long" it took you to figure out you don't see a future.

[8Bay8]

If it were August 17th instead of December 17th, I don't think anyone would be saying "why did it take you so long?"

 

I see nothing wrong at all with how "long" it took you to figure out you don't see a future.

 

Thank you for saying that. The time of year does make it really hard and I wish that it was actually August. It would take many of the most difficult parts away.

[lana-banana]

It's been a few months, not a few years. Given that the first six months are usually a honeymoon phase of infatuation and idealization, it's completely normal to realize things aren't as rosy as they first appeared. There is nothing wrong about discovering you don't want a long-term relationship with someone at any point, but especially not so early on.

 

You have done nothing wrong. The only wrong thing would be to lead her on and let her keep believing you have a future together. You can actually use language to that effect when you break it off: "I don't see a future for us" is good, because it doesn't involve blame or anything she could do differently. Don't say anything that suggests the problem is time (e.g. "I don't want a relationship right now") or related to anything she can change ("we don't see each other enough" or whatever).

 

Good luck. Be kind but be firm.

[vickyp]

If it were August 17th instead of December 17th, I don't think anyone would be saying "why did it take you so long?"

 

I see nothing wrong at all with how "long" it took you to figure out you don't see a future.

 

Of course there's something wrong. I've been in the girlfriends shoes, and being stung along hurts more then the "speech"

[JuneL]

I have never been in this girl's shoes, but a few of the posters replying to this thread have. If their responses are any indicator, this breakup is likely going to leave an emotional trauma on the girl for months, if not longer. In the grand scheme of things, what you're going to say or when you're going to pull the trigger may make only an insignificant difference, it seems.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Of course there's something wrong. I've been in the girlfriends shoes, and being stung along hurts more then the "speech"

 

How is she being strung along if OP only realized within the last week or so that they doesn't see this being a long term thing, and the GF is currently out of town for a funeral?

[vickyp]

How is she being strung along if OP only realized within the last week or so that they doesn't see this being a long term thing, and the GF is currently out of town for a funeral?

 

I gave my opinion. My thoughts are done with this. I wish her the best of luck when she gives the "speech"

[8Bay8]

It's been a few months, not a few years. Given that the first six months are usually a honeymoon phase of infatuation and idealization, it's completely normal to realize things aren't as rosy as they first appeared. There is nothing wrong about discovering you don't want a long-term relationship with someone at any point, but especially not so early on.

 

You have done nothing wrong. The only wrong thing would be to lead her on and let her keep believing you have a future together. You can actually use language to that effect when you break it off: "I don't see a future for us" is good, because it doesn't involve blame or anything she could do differently. Don't say anything that suggests the problem is time (e.g. "I don't want a relationship right now") or related to anything she can change ("we don't see each other enough" or whatever).

 

Good luck. Be kind but be firm.

 

Thank you very much for the verbiage suggestions! It really does help to hear things that are better to put across than others. I completely agree that she should not be led on and I definitely do not want her to feel blamed because it truly isn't something she has some "fault" in. Thanks again!