Past interaction with employer affecting my marriage today. Help!

[NYDame]

A boss doesn't just out of the blue ask to send a

photo like that. It screams that you two were too familiar with each other in a personal way.

 

Before that happened - had you ever kissed or touched your boss in any way??

 

 

A photo like that is sexual harassment and SO inappropriate. You did nothing to press charges - that's why your husband thinks you were involved in some way []

 

Hi S2B...I explained to another poster on here that my boss was a flirt and I always ignored him. I really did let him get away with it and in retrospect I wish I would've put a stop to it. I just figured, since he was a family friend, that I could brush it off and not make a bid deal out of it. I didn't take it too seriously. I was wrong obviously. And no I never touched, kissed, my old boss. This text was the only time I responded to his flirting.

 

I'm just not one to press charges against anyone either.

[kgcolonel]

NYDame,

 

I repeat, at least offer your H a polygraph...I suggested this earlier and you asked about the value / accuracy....but from what i can tell, it sounded a little too skeptic to convince me that there isn't more that what you're sharing here.

 

I think that at least offering (obviously being willing to follow through) a poly would give your H the peace of mind that you say you seek....I don't want to be too harsh but I do want to give you some honest objective feedback.

[NYDame]

What a sad situation. The OP was barely or of her teens when her boss, a family friend no less, sent her that extremely inappropriate text message and dick pic. I think her reaction was very typical of a young woman seeking to keep her job - dont Rock the boat and pretend it's a joke, pretend it's no big deal and you are cool enough to take it all in stride. It's the same scenario that we've seen coming out in the news recently.

 

I'm saddened that rather than acknowledging that she was a victim of this creep- we on LS are telling OP all this is all her fault. Never mind that her boss is a creep and likely violated a bunch of employer rules by hitting on his subordinate. Never mind that the way she handled he situation is exactly how most women respond to sexual harassment in the workplace- by recognizing we need to maintain relationships with our harrassers, and playing down the inappropriate behaivior, to keep the piece. And We are telling her it's her fault for encouraging this, that she should have quit her job sooner. With this mindset it's no wonder sexual harassment is so rampant in the work place.

 

I don't know what the solution is with your husband, but if he can't empathize with your predicament 9 years ago, and is choosing to continue to punish you for this- the issue is with him, not you. You can't make him believe you or trust you. Trust is a leap of faith- and if he doesn't have it, and doesn't think he can find it, I'd say you're both better off separeted. There's not much more you can do to reassure him, and I don't think you need to continue letting him punish you for this.

 

Hi Lucy,

 

Thanks for the post. I thought the same exact thing. It's really sad, I agree. I didn't feel like it was worth ruining this man's life to report him. But I so wish I would've stood up for myself with him more than I did. I'm guilty of "flirting" back and challenging him to send me a picture when I said "yeah right, you first". I don't know why I chose that response, honestly. I guess like you said, I was downplaying the whole thing but I don't want to get caught up in excuses for myself. I was wrong. Period.

 

I can't prove anything to my husband. We've been together for 13 years now and this was the only time something this bad happened. I admit, I'm really naive in thinking I could maintain some kind of friendship with my old boss after the incident. This is why my husband (and others on this board) say I've been acting untrustworthy. I can't even argue it. I feel pretty shi**y for not realizing these things.

 

Thank you for seeing my side of things though. Me and my husband are working on rebuilding trust by going to MC. It's been hell for the last 6 months though. Just constantly being accused of the most irrational things. He thinks for some reason that I scheme with other guys or people to get him jealous. Going to parties is stressful for me because he ends up mad for some silly incident. He isn't very trusting of anyone these days, not just me. So I know there is something personal going on with him as well. I remember while we were at skate event for our daughter, we bumped into a guy that we kind of know from other family members and when we got home, he kept asking me if I had posted somewhere that we were going to be there and asking why this guy would show up there randomly as if I had something to do with it. The guy had bought us a drink and made a comment about how he hoped he didn't think the drink he bought us was too large. (LOL) I don't know what this meant but to my husband, he said it was some kind of sexual innuendo. I didn't think anything of it though.

[NYDame]

NYDame,

 

I repeat, at least offer your H a polygraph...I suggested this earlier and you asked about the value / accuracy....but from what i can tell, it sounded a little too skeptic to convince me that there isn't more that what you're sharing here.

 

I think that at least offering (obviously being willing to follow through) a poly would give your H the peace of mind that you say you seek....I don't want to be too harsh but I do want to give you some honest objective feedback.

 

Honestly I am skeptical about paying over $700 for a polygraph test when I know nothing about the accuracy. I am willing to offer that to my husband, believe me. I am also pregnant and due in May so the polygraph will have to wait until that time anyway and what I want is to have a safe pregnancy and try not to stress too much about the situation between us right now. Financial struggle is another huge factor in our marriage as we've been using credit cards just to buy groceries for the family. We're in a mess, I tell you.

 

Right now the best solution for us is MC or IC, and transparency on my part.

[carhill]

I haven't followed the details of the thread but seeing 'polygraph' and 'MC', one suggestion is to task your MC to focus on communication and facilitate discussion of the polygraph as relevant to rebuilding trust and intimacy. A good MC can move things along and keep stress to a minimum, or at least process through it. The key is in the how. That's where their skill lies.

 

What's your new year's resolution? Make that appointment today

 

Disclaimer: fOM and fMM and oldest moderator. Seen it all, pretty much. Good luck!

[BarbedFenceRider]

So, your pregnant?

You have d_ck pics on your phone?

You are financially strapped?

You are running up debt on credit cards with groceries and other liveries...

 

Yup, I'd be depressed and manic as well. Its like carrying a bomb with you that you know will blow up, but just don't know when. Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas. Stress through the roof!

 

I am sorry your family is going through this. Do you guys have nightly time together to maybe go out and walk and talk a little? Its probably good with your pregnancy as well, all things considered. A small thing that is free, will help tremendously, is making HIM the center of your attention. No outside distractions, no other people. Just him. Walking in a park or even down a street. Shut off your phones and just concentrate on each other. It will not happen in one time, so you will have to keep at it...

Show him you are putting in the effort. Physical effort to keep the ship into the wind. Remind him of you two as a couple. In my own issues, it was only the kids and my wife...I felt just glossed over for so long. It came to a boil when a guy called our house in the middle of the night asking for my wife...

Yup, that went over like a lead balloon. My wife thinks I have issues of not trusting her anymore...Ya THINK!

[kgcolonel]

Honestly I am skeptical about paying over $700 for a polygraph test when I know nothing about the accuracy. I am willing to offer that to my husband, believe me. I am also pregnant and due in May so the polygraph will have to wait until that time anyway and what I want is to have a safe pregnancy and try not to stress too much about the situation between us right now. Financial struggle is another huge factor in our marriage as we've been using credit cards just to buy groceries for the family. We're in a mess, I tell you.

 

Right now the best solution for us is MC or IC, and transparency on my part.

 

Okay, I get it....how about offering it to him post delivery...I personally think that if he sees you being willing to do that (even if it never occurs) it will build confidence in him that you are telling the truth. You are correct that a poly is ineffective or not advisable during a pregnancy. It's the gesture that is the key here IMO. I would never mention the $s to him as it comes across as placing a value on his peace of mind...I would mention that after the baby comes and when you (husband) think we can afford it, I want to take a poly to give you that peace of mind that we both need you to have to be the father and husband and us the family we want to be.

[S2B]

Offer the poly.

 

Get a new job - with someone you have no history with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NYDame, I would think MC would have been a better idea after both of you had attended IC. If, as you say your husband is currently overly sensitive not only with you but Aldo others then IC would help reveal what is at the core of his problem. His behaviour towards you and others is just a symptom of a deeper problem rating away at him. That should first be addressed before your marital problems should be addressed to get the most effective results. I also think that the two of you should take some time out to communicate with each other daily about how things are with the two of you. Talk to your husband and ask him what is bothering him and how you can help him ease his mind. You may have to take the lead here since he is under a cloud at the moment. Whatever happens, do not get defensive when he questions you about anything that he thinks is suspicious. Just be honest and neutral in your delivery of your answers. One other thing is that you should listen attentively and patiently to what he has to say. That will go a long way to bolster his confidence and allay his fears. Wish you luck.

 

Hi S2B, the OP has already stopped working part time for her old boss and I think is currently unemployed. Considering the fact that they are facing an acute financial constraint at present, she does need to have some employment to help make ends meet. However, given the state her husband is in, that may be a difficult proposition at least till he is able to regain some trust in her and let her go out to work. Warm wishes.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

... But this did cross my mind...that he has a guilty conscious because so much time has passed since this incident and now he's very depressed about it all. He regrets not telling me to quit that job years ago. He regrets trusting me after the incident. I DO understand where he's coming from. It's just maddening to me that this is resurfacing because I know myself and I know I would never do anything to hurt my husband and now he's paranoid about everything I do or say.

 

Here's how I see the situation as a man and a husband

 

1 - 9 years ago this was not fully addressed (aka rug sweeping). Instead of cleaning out the wound 9 years ago, it has been festering within your husband's psyche. Trust me, from your husband's perspective this did not "resurface"; it's always been there under the surface for years.

 

2 - As a husband (cheated on previously or not) finding out that another man sent my wife a dic pic is a huge WTF?! moment. This is no small matter. Men don't just send dic pics to women (Anthony Wiener types excluded). Therefore, I would have to conclude that something is going on that would make him feel safe enough to send you a dic pic. Since you deleted the messages I would have to assume the worst-case scenario.

 

3 - The fact that you do not (or did not) recognize #2 is another WTF?! moment. It would make me re-evaluate how I see you as a person/wife. Because you responded so nonchalantly initially and since then, I would be extremely suspicious that you two have something sexual going on. I would have serious reservations on how much respect you have for me and our marriage.

 

4 - Bringing this man back into your life just popped the festering wound that has been waiting to be cleaned out. It also re-enforces points #2 and #3. I would be on high alert for any inappropriate behavior on your part. This is a natural defense response to hurt and insecurity.

 

Good luck. This is a much bigger issue than you have previously acknowledged. Because of the reasons I've listed, you husband does not feel safe in this relationship. I can't blame him.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Here's how I see the situation as a man and a husband

 

1 - 9 years ago this was not fully addressed (aka rug sweeping). Instead of cleaning out the wound 9 years ago, it has been festering within your husband's psyche. Trust me, from your husband's perspective this did not "resurface"; it's always been there under the surface for years.

 

2 - As a husband (cheated on previously or not) finding out that another man sent my wife a dic pic is a huge WTF?! moment. This is no small matter. Men don't just send dic pics to women (Anthony Wiener types excluded). Therefore, I would have to conclude that something is going on that would make him feel safe enough to send you a dic pic. Since you deleted the messages I would have to assume the worst-case scenario.

 

3 - The fact that you do not (or did not) recognize #2 is another WTF?! moment. It would make me re-evaluate how I see you as a person/wife. Because you responded so nonchalantly initially and since then, I would be extremely suspicious that you two have something sexual going on. I would have serious reservations on how much respect you have for me and our marriage.

 

4 - Bringing this man back into your life just popped the festering wound that has been waiting to be cleaned out. It also re-enforces points #2 and #3. I would be on high alert for any inappropriate behavior on your part. This is a natural defense response to hurt and insecurity.

 

Good luck. This is a much bigger issue than you have previously acknowledged. Because of the reasons I've listed, you husband does not feel safe in this relationship. I can't blame him.

 

The thing is... Men DO just send dick pics to women. Sexual harassment in the workplace is not a new, or uncommon, phenomenon. It is not limited to Anthony wiener types- or more accurately, Anthony wiener type behaivior is pretty pervasive. I think this is something most women are aware of based on their own experiences, but many men- especially good men- don't seem to understand.

 

When your boss sends you an email asking for naked pictures, as a young woman you have several options- comply, joke it away, report him, or leave the job. Most women do not have the luxury of leaving a job over what is essentially a commonplace occurance.* Most workplaces dOnt have effective reporting structures, and going to HR is likely to open up a can of worms including gossip and potential retaliation. Thus, I would argue that the typical response is to defuse the situation by brushing it off as a joke.

 

Our president got elected despite being accused of sexual assault by 15 women and talking about grabbing them by the pssy on tape. That should show you how normalized this behaivior has become. Accepting it as an uncomfortable obstacle to navigate is sometimes the only option that doesn't burden the victim with career/ financial penalties.

 

It is extremely unfair to blame the OP for being a victim of her creepy boss.

 

*in my ten years in the workplace in a professional, conservative industry, I have: been propositioned by my boss; had my butt slapped by a different boss; been hit on during a meeting at which I was the only female by a colleague. I am sharing this to show that OP's experience is pretty par for the course for being a woman.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Nice thread jack! lol

Dick pic set aside, the OP went back to the guy for another "job" and her hubby is now triggered.

I just am having a hard time understanding how a person who can understand how to get married, but doesn't have the self-awareness of doubling up on inappropriate behavior. Then it is like shock and awe when the partner is ready to jump ship. There is a lot of hard work to be done by OP here. And hope she is treading lightly concerning her husbands emotional state. Marriage is supposed to be two people coming together as one and making life beautiful. I don't think hubby wants a marriage where one partner cuts and uses up the other for self gratification and validation.

In other news..How is the pregnancy going? Maintaining your prenatal check-ups? Your guys' parents excited and willing to jump in for help?

Hopeful for a peaceful and joyous Christmas.

Best of luck.

[Cullenbohannon]

When your boss sends you an email asking for naked pictures, as a young woman you have several options- comply, joke it away, report him, or leave the job.

 

You forgot to list the other option.

 

Simply texting back......NO.

[NYDame]

I also think that the two of you should take some time out to communicate with each other daily about how things are with the two of you. Talk to your husband and ask him what is bothering him and how you can help him ease his mind. You may have to take the lead here since he is under a cloud at the moment. Whatever happens, do not get defensive when he questions you about anything that he thinks is suspicious. Just be honest and neutral in your delivery of your answers. One other thing is that you should listen attentively and patiently to what he has to say. That will go a long way to bolster his confidence and allay his fears. Wish you luck.

 

Hi Just a Guy, great advice and thank you so much!

 

Actually today we were talking about how he's feeling and he asked me if I trust him and then started talking about how he wants me to tell him what my old bosses insecurities are since I've worked for him for 10 years. I felt myself getting defensive at that moment because when I asked how that would help our situation he just said that it simply would. Maybe I don't need to understand the why? Either way, I couldn't think of anything to really divulge about my old boss to him. It honestly made me feel like he's trying to plan some kind of scheme against him? I don't know. I'll talk it over with the MC next visit. He also mentioned something about his work environment that felt off to me too which makes me feel like there's more going on with him than just trust issues with me.

 

 

Thanks again!

[NYDame]

The thing is... Men DO just send dick pics to women. Sexual harassment in the workplace is not a new, or uncommon, phenomenon. It is not limited to Anthony wiener types- or more accurately, Anthony wiener type behaivior is pretty pervasive. I think this is something most women are aware of based on their own experiences, but many men- especially good men- don't seem to understand.

 

When your boss sends you an email asking for naked pictures, as a young woman you have several options- comply, joke it away, report him, or leave the job. Most women do not have the luxury of leaving a job over what is essentially a commonplace occurance.* Most workplaces dOnt have effective reporting structures, and going to HR is likely to open up a can of worms including gossip and potential retaliation. Thus, I would argue that the typical response is to defuse the situation by brushing it off as a joke.

 

Our president got elected despite being accused of sexual assault by 15 women and talking about grabbing them by the pssy on tape. That should show you how normalized this behaivior has become. Accepting it as an uncomfortable obstacle to navigate is sometimes the only option that doesn't burden the victim with career/ financial penalties.

 

It is extremely unfair to blame the OP for being a victim of her creepy boss.

 

*in my ten years in the workplace in a professional, conservative industry, I have: been propositioned by my boss; had my butt slapped by a different boss; been hit on during a meeting at which I was the only female by a colleague. I am sharing this to show that OP's experience is pretty par for the course for being a woman.

 

I was going to respond to him but then saw your comment and all I can say is, exactly! I did state that my boss was a flirt. Not just to me but other women as well. His flirting with me was rare. Mostly comments. I chose to ignore them/brush them off as jokes and quickly change the subject. Again, this is a man that is in my family practically. I know his mom, brothers, plus his aunt babysat my daughter. Reporting him or making a big fuss of this was not an attractive option for me.

 

I know my error in this dic pic situation. I wish I would've been a stronger woman at that time and I did consider leaving my job but like I said, my husband did not have a job, going to school full time and we had just had a daughter. I was also in college and this job was good money and good flexibility at the time. I admit I also wear rose colored glasses and I forgave my boss after speaking to him about it and he really DID stop the behavior as hard as that is for some to believe.

[NYDame]

Betrayed and Stayed: Thank you for your perspective! I know I already had said this in previous posts...my old boss is someone who is integrated in my family and his family is also part of mine. It made this situation fuzzy for me. Not sure if that's understandable or not. Or maybe you think it doesn't make a difference? I know the situation was inappropriate, which is why I did discuss it with my old boss and he was decent enough to apologize and he promptly stopped the flirting. I recognize this is hard to believe.

 

Reading the posts on here truly helped me see how my husband might be seeing this situation. I've been pretty blind and have a lot to learn from this.

Edited December 22, 2017 by NYDame
addressing BetrayedandStayed

[BarbedFenceRider]

Now you seem to be on track. Nice. And how is life while being able to communicate more effectively? Do you think you and your husband are starting to bond and grow stronger?