I Pain in my LDR

[Theman911]

OK So here goes. For the past 7 months ive been in an LDR with a newly divorced woman. She describes her ex as a narcissist and that the relationship was toxic. They have 2 teenage kids togheter. Both of us are from the same country bu she lives in another European country with her children and ex nearby.

 

 

We met in my country when she was wisitting Family.

 

 

She has some issues with her ex regarding the settlement after the divorce. She dont want her ex to know about me untill the settelment is over. This of couse just drags out in time. I met her Close friends, family and kids. They all like me and wishes us the best.

 

 

Since she dont want the ex to know about me, i cant live in her house when wissiting. Ive been vissiting her about 9 times ( 4 hour flight )and she 7 times to me. I have used all my spare time and Close to 8000 euro on plane tickets and hotels. She has free airtickets and lives at my Place when vissiting.

 

 

At first she said she dreamt about moving back home and plan a future with me. The problem of couse is her children is now integratet in the community and wont move. She also needs alot of time to settle Things there. She is also affraid of him manipulating the kids.

 

 

As time went by i startet to become frustrated and feel the ex is trying everything to get her back. He stole and hacket her phone and found all about me. He read all our private messages. He stayed in her house when she was vissiting me. He even sent her a semi nude Picture of himselv on her bed.

 

 

He began to degrade her infront of the kids, steal her car and stay in the house when she was vissiting me.

 

 

Still she would not stay her ground and was affraid of me beeing in the house, just in case he would find out. First it was becouse of him, the it was becouse she didnt want her son to to lie about me and now it is becouse she feels the relationship is to scary.

 

 

We had alot of figts, i have become jelous and do not trust her. And i have tried everything to make her se what i need. Witch is

 

 

To aknowlede our relationship to her ex. So i dont have to stay in hotels when vissiting.

To make some future plans including me.

She is a freelance and is perfectly fine with working from my Place.

 

 

She now tells me she has decided to try and be more forgiving to her ex. His new girlfriends and even do som regular activities in his business with her kids.

 

 

This of couse makes me even more scared and jelous. They have a history of 3 bad longterm brakeups over the last 18 years. And this is the longest they been appart. She also says she misses her old friends witch also is a part of her exes business activity centre.

 

 

I told her that if she wants to do all these Things involving him, it must be witout me and i ended the relationship.

 

 

What i feel i can live with is the distance, im prepared to wait for her. I can cope with seeing her 2 weekends a month and be in a ldr. Its all the unsolved whings with her ex and the problem with me not beeing able to live in her house that makes me crazy.

 

 

My problem is that i really, really, really love this woman. I love her soul, her body and her smell and, you got the Picture.

 

 

I Need some advice from other People thath can relate to ldr.

[MJJean]

When I was going through my divorce, my exH was not allowed into my house, much less allowed to stay there. If he's such an abusive ****, why hasn't she changed the locks and why is she putting up with him harassing her and literally stealing her personal possessions? If she's not into his insanity, why is she allowing him access? Now she thinks she needs to be more forgiving of his behavior? Apparently, she either completely lacks a spine (bad) or she's still got feelings (worse).

 

I'd walk away and leave her to the drama she wallows in.

[Jdoublenn]

You may have been right to end it. If she told you she's going to start being more 'forgiving' toward him, it sounds like he may be weaseling his way back into her life..

[Theman911]

Yes she just wont move on alone. I also think the ex is manipulating the kids to get her.

 

I have now left her, told her that i cant take this. Ive gone No Contact

[Theman911]

Tnx for the answers, ment alot!

[Chilli]

Sounds like she's doing a great thing the best she can and thinking of her kids.

Edited December 16, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

This shyt can get nasty and it'sthe kids that pay for idiot parents. They aren't even divorced yet , sounds like she's trying to turn this mess around for the kids and that's a great thing because her and her h are still their parents and will be forever, they need to work their bs out and work together for them

[Theman911]

I actually agree with you. The kids is of couse the biggest priority. But lets say her ex is actually a toxic person. Then her way of sudden change of strategy is only going to end in more pain and hurt. As much as i understand her situation i cant live with all these problems on top of the distance.

[Chilli]

Yeah she's hoping he might come a bit good in it all an they can find their way to deal with this.

With a person like that the more she jacks up probably the worse he'll get , she;ll know that.

 

Up to you man , it's a lot to take on this early in the divorce stuff if your not really feeling it , but she's trying,.

lf it was me and l really loved her though of course l'd stick around and ride it out .

[Theman911]

Yeah she is, trying. But hey, this stuff is not mine. Early on in the relationship i thougt i can do this ldr if the distance is the only issue. I completely changed my mindsett and made the 4 hour flight something pleassurable, and when missing eachother like crazy we made it work.

 

I also knew that the easiest solution for her would be to get back togheter with her ex. Now i feel all theese things are on shakey grounds.

 

So as much as i understand everything, i cant ruin myself.

[Chilli]

Haha 4 hours , l wish , mine was across the world.

But l realize 4hours especially with the kids could be tough.

Ahh , do you think she might wanna get back with him? Couldn't see it buttt !

Interested to see what others think when they drop in but l sorta thought it more about just getting things workable with him again for the kids.

But yeah, it's a lot for you to take on, could be messy for a long time too.

[gia37]

I feel for you. In this situation you are the more vulnerable one, given that she has kids and she was (or still is) in a relationship with the father of her kids. She should fight for you and make it very clear that she wants you. Very few single men want a serious relationship with a woman in such a messy situation. So she should protect you and prioritise you what I dont see she is doing...

[Theman911]

Thank you they separated one year ago. Actually i have no problem getting a local girlfriend, but the thing is i love her. Ive been in a couple of relationships since i was devorced 2,5 years ago. I can really say i want to marry this one. But then she have to live how she preach.

 

Actually today i feel a bit better. Its good to get some distance. The only solution to this is for her to contact me an really really really want to be with me, give me some security an try to move on. Dont think thats going to happen tho.

[Chilli]

Only a year ago , man that isn't very long for things to find their new paths as parents and the kids or between her and the ex . Or for her to get her head and heart straight,

Anyway , it's not about anyone else when we feel that way about someone so l dunno , l'd be careful about this no contact thing.

things just become some stupid stubborn match and women can be pretty stubborn especially when she's got all that goin on.

Might be better to keep those fires burning a little and talk about things along the way , no pressure,.if you feel that way about her.

l think if it was me l'd try to give her a bit more space but keep talking too.

But she's gotta be just as keen if she can manage it in ways that won't damage things with her kids.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Chilli