When issues with his past are ruining your relationship

[Rosie3636]

I will try to make the situation as summarized as possible and thank you for reading and offering your guidance. I met a guy about 2 years ago and we became great friends. Friends turned into friends with benefits and stayed that way for about a year. About 8 months ago we realized we had much more between us then FWB and became exclusive. We both know we have alot of healing to do and are seeking our own therapies. Through getting to know him, he has had two major girlfriends. One who he dated for 8 years and eventually proposed to but she said no. This was 8 years ago and he is still not over it (she is still involved in his life due to working together and mutual friends). He has tried therapy, exercise, spiritual ceremonies, everything. After they broke up he basically banged everything he could to try to the fill the void she left. He then met a girl who he started dating, but nothing official every happened, but she continued to use him as a wallet and anything else she could get out of him for 3-4 years. This girl was BAD NEWS and I begged him to get away from her. About two months ago he went with her to Peru to do a religious ceremony to completely cut any times between them. I was EXTREMELY upset by this trip (I struggled with the idea of sharing a hotel room ect) and it really destroyed a lot of my trust in him but he followed through on his promise and deleted her and her family from his life. He apologized profusely for having ever hurt me, and he realized how toxic she was and was sorry for every involving me that mess.

 

He has made MAJOR progress since when I first met him in terms of letting his guard down to a new partner and being with someone who actually cares about him. He has matured so much and has some really great things coming for him on the horizon and I am very proud. The first ex is now married and for the first time since I have known him he is happy that she is happy. I have made some amazing strides as well, new job, lost weight and I am working on my own personal trust issues.

 

I however still have some major triggers. He still has the gifts from both of these girls around his place. He talks about the two of them alot. He talks about special things he planned for them....but he hasn't really planned anything special for me. We are working on communication and we need to sit and talk about how he has placed these women on such a pedestal that I don't think I can ever live up to them. We did the love languages and I came out as words of affirmation and touch....I didn't notice alot of change in that area. His was service so I cook for him, back rubs, ect.

 

I don't know what to do to move forward. Any time I feel like I am not a priority I cant help but think if it would be different if I was hi ex. Before you say breakup - I really think we bring out the best in each other.

 

Any advice on how I can prevent triggers?

What can I talk about with him to explain that I do not feel like a priority?

What are reasonable suggestions I can give him? Can I ask him to take the gifts down?

 

Thank you for your help and please be kind in your responses <3

[basil67]

He seems like a mess, but if you really want to continue with him, I would suggest you bring on the changes one step at a time.

 

Reducing the triggers: Just tell him to that you really don't want to hear about his exes and you want him to stop talking about them. Don't pussyfoot around, be direct. Don't apologise or blame your insecurities. This isn't anything you doing wrong, this is him being clueless. He needs a kick up the rear end.

 

Gifts from exes: In the same conversation, tell him that you really don't want to see all the stuff from his exes on display. In a box could be fine, but not on display. Again, don't apologise or blame yourself. Be direct, be firm.

 

Not being a priority: First, wait and see if he does take down the images and stop talking about the exes, then you will know that he is giving your thoughts and feelings priority. But if he doesn't stop talking about them and keeps the gifts on display, you will need to rethink whether or not the two of you are compatible. It is perfectly acceptable to express your thoughts on this out loud. Another kick up the rear end for him.

 

If his need to frequently talk about his exes and display their gifts is more important to him than you are, then you have your answer as to whether or not you should stay with him.

Edited December 16, 2017 by basil67

[elaine567]

In reality YOUR relationship with him only really started a few weeks ago after he went on "holiday" with his ex to Peru...

 

You may have been his support system through all this pining for exes, but what has he actually done for you?

 

YOU may have made some great strides forward, no doubt by sorting your own life out, but this guy is now going to pull you down again. NEVER get involved with people who are still emotionally involved with an ex, it will always be you that will get hurt...

 

So many people decide to play nursemaid to "hurt" individuals to find the "patient" once healed, moves onto someone else.

He does not prioritise you as you are good old Rosie, only there to make him feel better, once he does feel better he will be on the lookout for a real gf.

[d0nnivain]

What religious ceremony required him to go to another country with an EX? That sounds ridiculous. I think you are being played.

 

Having stuff around that was given to you as a gift from an EX is not the worst thing. As I type this I see a lamp that was a gift & several pieces of furniture I bought while an EX was with me. I also see a painting another EX did for me. I have to stop & think that these things are connected to EX. In my head they are just mine; I don't connect them to these EXs on a daily basis. I also see a chair from my grandmother; a table from my parents & a hall tree a different friend went with me to pick out. In short, my stuff is a testament to the life I have lived.

 

Your BFs problem, which makes it your problem, is that he still views these objects as connections to past loves. He is trying to keep those ties in tact. In short he's not ready to fully commit to you. That is why you feel like second best -- he's treating you that way

 

If he can't or won't shut up about those other women & make an effort to redecorate, or at least re-arrange his living space to make the objects connected to them less prominent, you may have to face the idea that he prefers them to you.

[spiderowl]

He's still carrying a torch for his exs and taking you for granted. He should not be doing this. He should be showing you you are the special one in his life. You are working at this relationship, trying to find all ways of resolving his attachments to these women from the past. Don't bother.

 

I know you really want this guy but being willing to bend over backwards to help him with his 'issues' rather than being willing to walk out on him because he is not fully with you, is just going to make you seem too available to him. He is not going to respect you because he knows you are working hard to make it work with him. He is disrespecting you by bringing up these women, by displaying their presents.

 

You are doing everything you can to make it work with him and he knows it. He has the power in this relationship. He knows your triggers, what makes you insecure, what will make you more adoring and supportive of him. You need to consider your own feelings and dump this guy. You might have a time when you are alone but in the long term you will be giving yourself a chance to find a guy who truly loves you and puts you first. You deserve that. You are a special person. Your boyfriend is not worth your efforts and I suspect he is being manipulative.