My unhealthy marriage

[HopelessCathy]

Hey everyone. I'm new here. Not yet signed up but thinking about it. Wanted to tell others a little about my unhealthy marriage. I love my husband but not sure how/when to get out. We have been married for 11 years. We have 2 boys ages 10 and 7. They are wonderful kids! I knew when I married my husband that he was a little controling. I guess I thought maybe things would get better. Well news flash to me, they got worse. Hes not like this all the time but sometimes. Hes controling in his words to me. Not to the kids, but just to me. He has called me names before and yes on an occassion, pushed, slapped me etc. Not hard, but a push and a slap just the same.

 

He has alot of anger which i believe may stem from his childhood. Yes we have been to counseling. Together and individual. I feel i have done alot more in the marriage then he has. He puts me last in his lists of proirites. Its like he resents me or something. Not sure why. I have tried to be good to him, but for some reason he doesn't see it like that. I do the best I can. He tells me I hardley do anything to or around the house. Which is not so. Its not like he controls what I do or where I go, but his words harsh, and sometimes the words are far worse than the slap or push. He makes excuses for everything gone wrong in our life. I love him but I'm tired. Tired of trying to fix something that hes not willing to help fix. I can not do it alone. A marriage is for 2 people not one. However I think its one sided for me. He tells me I'm the problem etc.

 

I have left before with my boys and gone to my mothers house, once to a friends. Only for about a day or so, just to have him call and say hes sorry etc. However, nothing changes. Things seem ok for awhile, but then right back to the way they were. I have threated to call the police next time he feels the need to slap me for whatever reason. I have yet to do so. Guess I'm weak. Why do I continue to hold on to this relationship? Fear of not being able to find another? Fear, of what he may do if I do leave? I really think its what I need to do. Things are not going to change on his part. its the same old song and dance from him. Maybe I'm hoping things will change soon. I guess after 11 years if they were gonna change they would have by now. Why do I stay? Is a question I find myself asking alot. I don't have an answer, does anyone else have any insight as to why I may keep staying? Thanks so much to all.

[JadeStar]

I came across these articles today. maybe you could check it out and hopefully it will be of some help to you, since you're having a hard time deciding what you should do. Good luck.

 

 

http://loveadvice.com/ARTICLES/GETOUT.HTM

 

http://www.safehavenshelter.org/dva/whatkeeps.html

[sburtug03]

You know leaving is long overdue. He has been physically and emotionally abusive to you, how can you let that happen, how can you allow your children to be in an abusive environment? If not for your sake, for your children, leave and don't look back. Be the stronger person, so that your children can learn to be strong too. Do not damage you or your children anymore. LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD. x

[hopelessCathy]

I know I keep making excuses to not leave. Sometimes things are easier said then done. I probably should have left awhile back. I have a good support system as far as friends and family go, so theres probably not an excuse. I have been doing some reading and research on why I feel I can't leave. Alot of what was said applies to me. I have found and finally admitting that I stay for various reasons. Heres some reason for why I feel I can't.

 

 

1. I feel i can not make it on my own. Hes the soul provider and bread winner.

 

2. I feel threatned that he may come after me or the kids.

 

3. I feel that maybe I have had a hand in me deserving what has been giving to me by him.

 

4. Maybe I would get into another situation like this, from a poor choice on my part.

 

5. I keep hoping he will change, one day see the light on what has happened.

 

 

I thought about all this last night and maybe I should ask my mother if me and the kids can come there for awhile. I just hate to impose but I'm sure she would be understanding. I have been there before with the kids. She has told me before, don't go back when he tells you he is sorry. thats how abusive people work. They tell you they are sorry and want you to take pity on them. My mother also told me why do you want an apology from him anyway, actions speak louder than words, and if he was truly sorry he wouldn't keep doing it. I guess i have a choice, move and make a better life for me and the kids or stay in this situation and be miserable.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by HopelessCathy

Why do I stay?

 

Because:

 

Originally posted by HopelessCathy

I love him but I'm tired.

 

This is why you stay - because you love him; and why you want to leave - because you're tired of his behavior.

 

You know it's very hard to make people change even when they know how terribly they act. So you need to change your behavior. In the future, you shouldn't let him treat you that way. You should develop your self-confidence and maturity to the point where when you say "Don't you ever dare talk to me like that again!" you will show him with your body language and facial expression that you mean it.

 

No defensive behavior on your part! When he talks to you in a rude manner, be calm and keep your dignity. The more you defend yourself when he attacks you the more he will be encouraged to atack you. We all do things that we believe we get something from. He gets the pleasure of controlling you when he frightens you with his voice, words, and hands.

 

You must show him that he loses a lot when he acts like that and gains nothing. Give him a resentful look, do the opposite of what he demands, don't talk too much, and remove yourself from the situation. He must feel that you abandon him when he treats you badly. He is afraid of you leaving him, isn't he? Reverse the roles!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by hopelessCathy

I know I keep making excuses to not leave. Sometimes things are easier said then done. I probably should have left awhile back. I have a good support system as far as friends and family go, so theres probably not an excuse. I have been doing some reading and research on why I feel I can't leave. Alot of what was said applies to me. I have found and finally admitting that I stay for various reasons. Heres some reason for why I feel I can't.

 

 

1. I feel i can not make it on my own. Hes the soul provider and bread winner.

 

2. I feel threatned that he may come after me or the kids.

 

3. I feel that maybe I have had a hand in me deserving what has been giving to me by him.

 

4. Maybe I would get into another situation like this, from a poor choice on my part.

 

5. I keep hoping he will change, one day see the light on what has happened.

 

 

I thought about all this last night and maybe I should ask my mother if me and the kids can come there for awhile. I just hate to impose but I'm sure she would be understanding. I have been there before with the kids. She has told me before, don't go back when he tells you he is sorry. thats how abusive people work. They tell you they are sorry and want you to take pity on them. My mother also told me why do you want an apology from him anyway, actions speak louder than words, and if he was truly sorry he wouldn't keep doing it. I guess i have a choice, move and make a better life for me and the kids or stay in this situation and be miserable.

 

1. Your mother sounds wonderful! Listen to her. You CAN make it on your own. Start improving whatever skills you have NOW and try and find a job outside the home. This is if you feel you need to lay some groundwork before leaving. Also keep in mind you WILL be entitled to child support from him.

 

2. Get a restraining order if you are afraid of what he might do. If you are afraid of what he might do if you leave him, be MORE afraid of what he might do if you stay.

 

3. You do NOT have a hand in deserving any of the abuse he is dishing out. He is not so much controlling as you say...he is ABUSIVE.

 

4. Don't think too far into the future (ie next relationship). Think about yourself and the kids and work on making YOU happy.

 

5. He won't change. Get some more counselling if you can, and realize this.

 

There are alot of other posters in here who can relay their own experiences back to you, please read them for encouragement. I am just posting things I have learned from here and just plain common sense!

 

Good luck!

[HopelessCathy]

I appreicate all the replies. I just got done talking to a friend of mine. I think shes upset with me over the whole thing. Shes a great friend and has always been there for me. Guess shes tired of me whinning and doing nothing about it. She was firm but nice in her words to me. She told me, to stop making excuses and get the hell out! I told her I felt that since he was the one that has treated me the way he has, then he should be the one to leave. She told me, he probably wasn't going anywhere and that I need to be the one to make a move, to be the better person, to make a statement to say, I'm not taking this anymore, and mean it.

 

 

I guess thats another reason I just realized in talking with her why i stayed and that was since he mistreated me then he should leave, why should I? But I guess what matters is that I need to do it. I guess if I stay, and hes probably not going anywhere then I could expect my life to continue to be this way. I'm going to call my mother here shortly and take the next step. If their are others that have gone through this same thing, I would like to hear about your stories on the matter. Thanks again to all.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by HopelessCathy

I just got done talking to a friend of mine. I think shes upset with me over the whole thing. She was firm but nice in her words to me. She told me, to stop making excuses and get the hell out!

 

Cathy, please don't do things that other people tell you to do. Your husband, your friends, mom, strangers... It has to be your decision if you're going to leave him or kick him out or stay with him. Please listen to your heart and work on your self-esteem. When you make the right decision without anyone's influence, you will know that it was only your decision and you will take the responsibility of your choice.

 

I would advise you therapy concerning your "spineless" attitude. Sorry that this word sounds so awful, but that's how you've been acting. You sound like a wonderful person, but you must take your life in your hands and don't let others control you anymore.

 

Nobody, NOBODY has the right to tell you to leave your husband. It's your life. You have children with him. Will all those people live on their own and raise your kids and possibly fight your husband at court and live your life? No! People don't have to like your choices. YOU have to like them.

[HopelessCathy]

I understand what you're saying record, and I take no offense to you saying my "spineless" attitude. You are quite right. However I have stood up to him many times in my 11 year marriage. Even though I have, his attitude didn't change and I guess it wont. I'm making the right desion about this I feel, and I'm not doing it for my firend, or my mom, or anyone else. I'm doing it for me and my kids. Just talked with my mother ealier, we will probably leave tomorrow to stay with her for awhile, until I figure out what else needs to be done. Thanks again.