grays Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 And I'm wondering if there are others out there who identify with this at all. I have a feeling y'all are gonna go crazy flaming me. But pre-emptively I'm just gonna say I haven't hurt any of them and I haven't done anything that I feel bad about. I've been single and "dating" for about 3 1/2 years now. In that time there hasn't been a single guy who really felt right for me until now. But there have been quite a few that were like 95% right. And those ones pretty much all just stuck. So basically for the past year or so my love life has consisted of on and off again things with maybe six different fwb's and a first date here and there, and actually one fwb that was kinda serious (like seeing him 3 or 4 times a week for more than six months). I think four of these guys have been in my life for more than two years. But now I have a *boyfriend*, like for real. The second one ever (having been married to the first one for 25 years). And the truth is that I really don't have any interest in being physical with any of these guys anymore. I really have eyes only for this new one. BUT nothing bad has happened with these other guys. I don't feel like I like them any less. They are all important to me and I have strong loving feelings for them all. I'm not in love with them at all, but I feel love for them like I do for my very close friends. I met the new guy in the beginning of september and we quickly became exclusive. I stopped seeing my regular fwb guy right away and told him I met someone who was all different and maybe the one. He was very supportive and we have since had dinner several times and text regularly with no weirdness. But I don't think I can really maintain that kind of thing with the others. It would just be weird for everybody. And new guy would surely feel uncomfortable with it. So far, I've mostly been telling the others I'm busy. I told one about the new guy and he offered to be my "side dick," which I thought was kinda funny but I'm obviously not interested in. I'm thinking about this a lot today because one of them wanted to hang out yesterday and another texted to see if he could come over tonight. And these are the two that I always felt very close to. I am missing them. I don't want them gone from my life. I think I'm probably more suited to a poly lifestyle than most people, but I was very happily monogamous for 25 years (well my marriage wasnt happy, but the mono lifestyle was for me). I want to be mono with this guy and I'm not at all worried that I'll be tempted to cheat. But I do feel really sad to leave them behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdoublenn Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I think you just need to be sure how you feel so you don't end up hurting your BF down the line. If you're sad about leaving the FWBs behind, is there a larger reason you are possibly ignoring? If not, I would think leaving them behind for someone you like better wouldn't even be a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 I guess it's just not possible to have it all. As a rather old fashioned man, I would be most uncomfortable if my gf, (or wife) was hanging out with former lovers. That would be a deal breaker for me... You need to sit down with yourself and decide what it is you truly want. If you are really serious about your main guy then there should be no regrets about throwing cold water on old flames... and you sound far from decided about walking away from the old flames. Another thing, you have been 'free' for a very short time in comparison to how long you were married - are you positive you want to jump back into that particular dynamic? Either way, good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grays Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 I agree that it's probably not possible to have it all. But I am decided that I want to put all my energy in this new guy and I don't want to continue a sexual relationship with any of my previous guys. Cold water on those flames is fine. But I am going to miss them as people. They were/are very important to me. And it feels so weird to me that everything has to change because I so unexpectedly met someone. I don't think everyone's lives are as neat and tidy as finishing up one thing before moving onto the next. New guy's life might even be as bad as mine. He's been living with his wife, broken up, but in the same house with her and their kids for the last year. I get it bc I also lived with my ex and our kids for about a year after our breakup. But that's been uncomfortable for me because I only have his word to go on. As time goes on, I feel more and more sure that he's being truthful, but I had to take a big leap of faith in the beginning. And it might be that I woulda announced to all my guy friends that it was over if that hadn't been the case. He also says that his best friend is a woman that he lived with in a romantic relationship for 5 years before he was married. I haven't met her but I feel a little intimidated by the thought of her. But I would never consider asking him to not be friends with her. In th e end, I think I will completely let go of all my guys, but I think its okay for me to feel sad about it. Its not gonna be like new guy and his friend because I don't think I have that kind of investment with these guys. Sex is the glue that holds us together. And I'm not going to be having sex with them. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Cut the cords. I bet they'll still be willing partners if things don't work out with new guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grays Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 As to whether I want to jump back, Poutrew, I'm not 100% sure. But I wasn't sure when I got together my ex, either. We were very close friends for a long time and roommates for a year before our first kiss. I knew before we started living together that I wanted to be with him butit was hard to take the plunge bc I thought it was going to be him forever. Right now I dont have that same *I know this is forever* feeling, but I think its possible it could be that kind of serious. And I feel a little bit of that same sense that this relationship is gonna change everything and while I'm crazy over him, it's scary. And letting go of these guys is letting go of my safety net. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdoublenn Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 It’s always scary to let go of our safety nets! But without risk, there will be no reward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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