Sometimes I wonder what's the point

[mortensorchid]

I have been trying to work on building up my self esteem in the last few weeks. I put on an air about myself that I am confident and polite and classy to others when I am on the job. I live a very isolated life as a multi-district substitute teacher, going to become a home health aid in a few weeks once I pass certification. Everything is good (or tolerable) careerwise at the moment, I'm moving forward. I have a lot of friends and acquaintance, active in the community, in general quite happy.

 

The only thing I don't have is a love life. I want a bf, an actual one. I've wanted one for a very long time but I'm not desperate by any means. And I've met nothing but disappointments at all times, been broken up with by all the guys I have ever dated in any capacity (LTR, casual, ghosting, flat out rejection, etc.) My self esteem is in the gutter in this area. People tell me I look like Katherine Hepburn. I get passed over for another woman all the time. Just tonight I went out to see a play at a theater, and I saw this guy in the cast who I thought was cute. But did I come up and introduce myself afterward? No. Because he doesn't want me, just like no one else does. He might be nice to me at first because he's just shaking hands and saying hello, but he'll find some excuse how and why he doesn't want me and instead goes for someone else.

 

You miss 100% of the shots you never take in life, I believe this completely. I have lost all hope that it will happen for me in this area so I won't even take a chance anymore. So what if I thought he was cute for a passing moment? That's all it was.

[d0nnivain]

This time of year takes a toll on everybody. If your self esteem was already fragile, the smallest slight can send you over the edge. However, you may have set the bar inappropriately high.

 

As a child I convinced myself I could not play sports. As an adult somebody pointed out the following to me:

 

Although I was the worst one on my soft ball team, the entire starting infield got full athletic scholarships to Division 1 schools; I also once got a base hit off a guy in high school who went on to pitch for the NY Yankees' farm team.

 

I thought I couldn't play tennis. My two friends that I played most often against, became practice partners for people who were paid to play at the U.S Open & Wimbledon.

 

I was the slowest kid on my swim team; the best player made the Olympics. He never got out of the prelims & you never heard of him but he went to the Olympics!

 

Many people I have played golf with routinely shoot in the 80s; I'm thrilled for that score on the front 9.

 

I'm not the best bowler. My HS BF turned pro our senior year because he bowled so many perfect games.

 

My point to you is that when you aren't feeling your best hitting on a professional actor is not a true indication of your desirability. Had he been a "normal" guy, you would have had a meaningful chance. His screwed up view that the whole world is his oyster means that you are probably just fine but because you may not have looked all air brushed perfect like you just walked off the cover of Vogue doesn't mean you are undesirable.

 

Take a deep breath. Cut yourself a break. Realize that a new year begins soon, which should also mean a new job for you. Tough it out 'til then.

[mortensorchid]

Have you any good idea why everyone keeps breaking up with you?

 

If I knew that answer, I would tell you. Like I would tell you any other answer to questions that people post here, but, I don't. Not truly anyway. It's what it is.

[Buriall]

“Fame or integrity: which is more important? Money or happiness: which is more valuable? Success or failure: which is more destructive? If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

― Lao Tzu

[HiCrunchy]

I feel that way too sometimes. Usually I get a kick of energy to try and improve my life and then other times I get tired and wish I could end it and cry for days.

 

Its a struggle and I don't have the answer. But maybe I can try and see what happens with us.

 

I want to end this post with trying to make good changes in 2018.

I have no other choice.

[dichotomy]

Katherine Hepburn was gorgeous but she also had a strong sense of her self.

 

Do you have a male "type" you find your self chasing ? Looks or personality? Have you dated "down" a level as well (in terms of looks or social).

 

Non of the guys who broke off things explained why (honest)?

 

Also certain ages are more difficult to find good mates than others.

 

Believe me - not an expert in relationships myself. Can only point to one woman who loved me completely - a long time ago - and I dumped her in a fit of depression over a loss I had.

 

Hang in there.

[mortensorchid]

Katherine Hepburn was gorgeous but she also had a strong sense of her self.

 

Do you have a male "type" you find your self chasing ? Looks or personality? Have you dated "down" a level as well (in terms of looks or social).

 

Non of the guys who broke off things explained why (honest)?

 

Also certain ages are more difficult to find good mates than others.

 

Believe me - not an expert in relationships myself. Can only point to one woman who loved me completely - a long time ago - and I dumped her in a fit of depression over a loss I had.

 

Hang in there.

 

Some have told me "I attracted someone as wonderful as you, I know I can do EVEN BETTER next time". And they go to that next time very quickly - they meet the next woman and marry her/move in with her in about 6 months to a year later. That woman takes that man for a ride - temper tantrums, screaming fits, demands, etc. I guess they have more fun with them than they do me, as in the man does. He needs someone he feels intellectually superior to but he's really not when you think of it.

[Happy Lemming]

He needs someone he feels intellectually superior to but he's really not when you think of it.

 

Not all men are like this... My girlfriend (former English teacher) is much smarter than me and I learn from her. English has always been a weak area for me. Since I have been with her, she has challenged me with books from her personal collection, games (Scrabble), etc. I feel I have learned a lot.

 

As for meeting a new guy, I'd like to offer a suggestion that happened to me a few years ago.

 

I met this woman at my local Coin-Op Laundromat. Basically she orchestrated this scenario to meet guys that she found attractive and wanted to get to know. She would come into the laundromat with 2-3 loads of laundry and a nearly empty jug of detergent. She would start doing her laundry and approach a guy she was interested in and ask for a couple of capfuls of his laundry detergent, as she had already started the washing machines. Of course, most people will gladly give you some detergent and I did. She then would keep the conversation going, asking where I was from, etc. As you are aware, laundry takes a pretty long time at a laundromat. You have to wait for the washer, then put everything in dryers, then wait for that to finish, then fold everything up, etc. She would use this time to gather information and if she liked the guy she would give them her number or invite them for out for a cup of coffee after completing the laundry task.

 

After dating her for a while, she confessed to me, that she had a full jug of laundry detergent in her car and was using that excuse to "break the ice" with a guy. If there were no guys that were of interest to her, she would just go out to her car and get the full jug of detergent.

 

I thought that was pretty clever!!

[Fair]

I have been trying to work on building up my self esteem in the last few weeks. I put on an air about myself that I am confident and polite and classy to others when I am on the job. I live a very isolated life as a multi-district substitute teacher, going to become a home health aid in a few weeks once I pass certification. Everything is good (or tolerable) careerwise at the moment, I'm moving forward. I have a lot of friends and acquaintance, active in the community, in general quite happy.

 

The only thing I don't have is a love life. I want a bf, an actual one. I've wanted one for a very long time but I'm not desperate by any means. And I've met nothing but disappointments at all times, been broken up with by all the guys I have ever dated in any capacity (LTR, casual, ghosting, flat out rejection, etc.) My self esteem is in the gutter in this area. People tell me I look like Katherine Hepburn. I get passed over for another woman all the time. Just tonight I went out to see a play at a theater, and I saw this guy in the cast who I thought was cute. But did I come up and introduce myself afterward? No. Because he doesn't want me, just like no one else does. He might be nice to me at first because he's just shaking hands and saying hello, but he'll find some excuse how and why he doesn't want me and instead goes for someone else.

 

You miss 100% of the shots you never take in life, I believe this completely. I have lost all hope that it will happen for me in this area so I won't even take a chance anymore. So what if I thought he was cute for a passing moment? That's all it was.

 

If you're beautiful there's a price to pay. My mom said to me once, "You're paying the price for being a beautiful woman," after experiencing constant rejection and pain. Yet, I don't think it was looks alone that caused it... I had an inner radiance... something people were drawn to but didn't understand and couldn't HAVE, so even the ones who were prettier were often jealous. So, it's worse if you're pretty and a mixed bag of other great qualities as well. A lot of people won't be able to handle you.

 

I have always been pushed aside for plain women who aren't even NICE.. once met a man who thought I was gorgeous, starting acting like he was ready to put a ring on my finger then out of the blue asked me what size I was. Well, I was fit and athletic at the time... size ten. So he said he wanted a size 6 or a 4 or some ridiculous thing. Started treating me like I wasn't good enough. We parted ways. Six months later he was married to a woman who... no exaggeration here... is 250 lbs at least. But he was clingy and insecure with me right from the beginning, so though I was mad at first, later on I just felt sorry for him... except for the fact, he's found someone and I still can't... and the whole thing just feels unfair. My crime often is just that I'm attractive. And a good person, to boot.

 

I feel your pain.

Edited January 11, 2018 by Fair

[mortensorchid]

I have met plenty of pretty girls or even just cute ones, they know they are, and they use others to get the things they want from others. That behavior is very obvious. I have also met gals who are not the best in the looks department and yet think they are so important and get the things they want somehow. I have met gals who seem to have everything and yet they can't attract men. And I know just as many trashy girls who take and take and use and scream at others and demand they come first, and they can get whatever they want from others.

 

I wish I had the answers as to how and why this never happens for me but does for others ...

[SammySammy]

This is something that is often repeated by women who show that they know very little about men. I like dating intelligent women because they can challenge me in ways that other women cannot. Plenty of less intelligent men even are happy to date smart women. They are proud of her. Men want to be with a woman they can be proud of. What we don't like is women who talk down about men.

 

YOU date smart women because you are a smart man.

 

However, I've had many conversations with men on this topic and I am often shocked how many openly say they prefer a dumb woman. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me, but it's very common. Some wealthier men may want a trophy wife, but they would rather her not be very smart.

 

Like you, I'd rather be in the company of an intelligent woman. Try to spend as little time as possible with unintelligent and classless women. I like being challenged. Need someone sharp with wit and spunk.

 

I think OP needs to find a smart man. Smart men are less likely to be threatened or intimidated by her. I know it's possible to find a match among less intelligent men, but her chances are much lower in my opinion.

[basil67]

I have met plenty of pretty girls or even just cute ones, they know they are, and they use others to get the things they want from others. That behavior is very obvious. I have also met gals who are not the best in the looks department and yet think they are so important and get the things they want somehow. I have met gals who seem to have everything and yet they can't attract men. And I know just as many trashy girls who take and take and use and scream at others and demand they come first, and they can get whatever they want from others.

 

I wish I had the answers as to how and why this never happens for me but does for others ...

 

This post says a lot. Basically, you think you're better than all the other women out there. Disparaging other women for being trashy/not as intelligent/ugly/etc has been a common theme for you. Along with your comments earlier disparaging men for their choices. It's really not a good look.

 

It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, the way you think about others is not flattering to you. I suspect the men pick up on it. Perhaps be kinder about others and your life will turn around.

[pinkpaw]

I have been trying to work on building up my self esteem in the last few weeks. I put on an air about myself that I am confident and polite and classy to others when I am on the job. I live a very isolated life as a multi-district substitute teacher, going to become a home health aid in a few weeks once I pass certification. Everything is good (or tolerable) careerwise at the moment, I'm moving forward. I have a lot of friends and acquaintance, active in the community, in general quite happy.

 

The only thing I don't have is a love life. I want a bf, an actual one. I've wanted one for a very long time but I'm not desperate by any means. And I've met nothing but disappointments at all times, been broken up with by all the guys I have ever dated in any capacity (LTR, casual, ghosting, flat out rejection, etc.) My self esteem is in the gutter in this area. People tell me I look like Katherine Hepburn. I get passed over for another woman all the time. Just tonight I went out to see a play at a theater, and I saw this guy in the cast who I thought was cute. But did I come up and introduce myself afterward? No. Because he doesn't want me, just like no one else does. He might be nice to me at first because he's just shaking hands and saying hello, but he'll find some excuse how and why he doesn't want me and instead goes for someone else.

 

You miss 100% of the shots you never take in life, I believe this completely. I have lost all hope that it will happen for me in this area so I won't even take a chance anymore. So what if I thought he was cute for a passing moment? That's all it was.

 

The problem is that your views about yourself are causing a self-fulfilling prophecy. You attract what you give off: insecure? You'll also attract guys with issues - it's guys with issues that treat you bad.

 

It's these cliche sayings that are true and apply in your case:

Like attracts like.

You get what you feel you deserve.

Until you learn to love and be happy with yourself, you can never truly love and be happy with someone else.

 

Your insecurities are coming from somewhere - I'd start by tapping into those and figuring out where they come from, and how you can go about changing them. Therapy can help a lot here. How we experience life TBH is mostly related to perspective. Change how you see yourself and your past experiences (they are not a reflection on you and don't define you) and your perspective can begin to shift, and from there, so will your experiences in love (and everything else). It's completely fruitless to enter any sort of relationship without confidence in yourself - TRUE confidence - you will either suffer a bad relationship, or it will end.

[pinkpaw]

I have met plenty of pretty girls or even just cute ones, they know they are, and they use others to get the things they want from others. That behavior is very obvious. I have also met gals who are not the best in the looks department and yet think they are so important and get the things they want somehow. I have met gals who seem to have everything and yet they can't attract men. And I know just as many trashy girls who take and take and use and scream at others and demand they come first, and they can get whatever they want from others.

 

I wish I had the answers as to how and why this never happens for me but does for others ...

 

Going on to read this after posting...i'm not at all surprised to hear of your situations you find yourself in.

I personally wouldn't want to spend time in the company of people who think like this...it's so negative, judgemental and all-round unpleasant. Assuming you know things about why other people do the things they do and making negative judgements...it shows you're a negatively-minded person, and that's never attractive, no matter how good looking you are.

 

There are answers out there for you, and work to be done, but it can only come from you. Start by culling your toxic thought patterns.