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Guy I dated 20 years ago keeps calling me on Facebook

edgygirl

By edgygirl,
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edgygirl

edgygirl

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I understand getting in touch with old lovers on FB. I do it too, of course I feel affection for them. I usually accept friend requests from them, I am kind in exchanging a few messages for the sake of old times. No issue with that.

 

But why someone who you dated when you were 19ish would keep trying to video chat you after 20 years? It really feels like an invasion of my personal space and I see no point in it.

 

This guy I dated back then keeps trying to video chat me on FB. He was not even an important BF, just a short fling, and he lives in Scandinavia (!). He's married for the second time, seems to have children and also seems happily coupled.

 

Why would he be trying to call me? How can I refuse it without being rude? I hardly make time for people who are close to me these days, (going through a hard phase) and surely don't want to be video chatting someone on the other side of the world who I haven't seen in over 20 years.

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jjgitties

jjgitties

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I think you might be able to unfollow certain people on fb without actually unfriending them -- so that way, it isnt rude beause you havent unfriended by you dont actually see their posts or contact attempts. you can also create groups in FB and setup permissions.

 

i have family, close friends, friends and aquantiances. the only ones that are able to use messenger with me are family and close friends.

as to why your old BF is trying to contact you. thats what FB is all about -- for you check out people from your past and compare how your life turned out compared to theirs. :lmao:

 

anyways, if your old BF tries to msg you and you are not responding -- but he keeps trying and is not getting the hint, its probably okay to unfollow them or even block them. there are some emotionally zonked people on fb you dont get social etiquette or get hints.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Honestly, every single time someone tries to video chat me on Facebook I assume it's a mistake lol. Does anyone use that feature?? Maybe he has no idea he's doing it?

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edgygirl

edgygirl

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I also thought it was a mistake when he video chatted me yesterday!

 

But then today he writes me again and says: "can I call you now"?

 

I saw the pop up thought to myself: WTH? :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I didn't even "open" the messages so it prob shows as unread.

 

I see no point whatsoever in talking with someone for the first time in over 20 years... maybe he's bored cause he lives in a not very metropolitan town in Scandinavia. In any case, I think a non clueless person would have first discussed it in a msg to grasp my reaction... as in, hey it would be cool if we talked one day live, or so. Poor thing, I am almost embarrassed for him.

 

Honestly, every single time someone tries to video chat me on Facebook I assume it's a mistake lol. Does anyone use that feature?? Maybe he has no idea he's doing it?
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Mr.Me

Mr.Me

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I'm always polite the first time. The second time I usually make my point known but with respect. The third I'm an a-hole and speak what I'm thinking which leaves no doubt at all.

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edgygirl

edgygirl

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Thanks Mr.Me. Yeah usually I'd do the same. But he's just a nice Scandinavian guy. I have no reason to be rude except that he's being a little clueless, I believe.

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Jdoublenn

Jdoublenn

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I also thought it was a mistake when he video chatted me yesterday!

 

But then today he writes me again and says: "can I call you now"?

 

I saw the pop up thought to myself: WTH? :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I didn't even "open" the messages so it prob shows as unread.

 

I see no point whatsoever in talking with someone for the first time in over 20 years... maybe he's bored cause he lives in a not very metropolitan town in Scandinavia. In any case, I think a non clueless person would have first discussed it in a msg to grasp my reaction... as in, hey it would be cool if we talked one day live, or so. Poor thing, I am almost embarrassed for him.

 

Hacked maybe? This is just weird and if he seems happily married (although FB lies) I would hope it’s just a misunderstanding or something...

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edgygirl

edgygirl

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No... it's him. There is no way that profile would find me if it wasn't him. I was very surprised he remembered my complete name and found me. I am not sure I'd remember his full name if he hadn't added me.

 

I get it, for the sake of old times, it would be funny and all... still. Maybe it's me, being in a weird phase in life... it's hard to talk with almost a stranger when you're not in the mood.

 

Hacked maybe? This is just weird and if he seems happily married (although FB lies) I would hope it’s just a misunderstanding or something...
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PegNosePete

PegNosePete

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Why are you over thinking this so much? Either you want to talk to him (in which case go ahead) or you don't (in which case BLOCK).

 

Problem solved.

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edgygirl

edgygirl

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Because I was fine to catch up in a few messages up to now, but I have zero desire to video chat or so. I'd be fine if he wrote me one message once a year, but more than that it's just inappropriate. I'd feel like a jerk if I just blocked him.

 

Why are you over thinking this so much? Either you want to talk to him (in which case go ahead) or you don't (in which case BLOCK).

 

Problem solved.

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PegNosePete

PegNosePete

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I'd feel like a jerk if I just blocked him.

So just tell him you don't want to video chat.

 

Still not sure why you're thinking so much about this. If you want to chat, do it. If you don't, don't. If he is harassing you (ie. being a jerk) then block him (and no need to feel like a jerk for blocking someone who is being a jerk to you).

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Scarlett.O'hara

Scarlett.O'hara

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I would probably just be honest and say that you are not really comfortable video chatting, and you are confused as to what his intentions are.

 

It sounds perfectly reasonable to ask, and would come across as assertive rather than rude. Perhaps it will make him question his own behavior? I doubt his wife would be happy about it.

 

Better to be straight up and avoid any possible drama.

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nospam99

nospam99

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But why someone who you dated when you were 19ish would keep trying to video chat you after 20 years? It really feels like an invasion of my personal space and I see no point in it.

 

This guy I dated back then keeps trying to video chat me on FB. He was not even an important BF, just a short fling, and he lives in Scandinavia (!). He's married for the second time, seems to have children and also seems happily coupled.

 

Why would he be trying to call me?

 

You ask why. Not my own style. That is to say I've never done it and don't expect I ever will. But ..... based on my own feelings which I haven't acted upon about a certain woman from my past, I can speculate about why.

 

He may be 'carrying a torch for you'. From your perspective it may have been 'not even an important BF' and 'just a short fling'. You don't know what it meant to him. If he is unhappy in his marriage and is carrying that torch it wouldn't surprise me that his thoughts would turn to you. Turning those thoughts to actions after 20 years .... something else. From your story I think I'm old enough to be his father. But I can just say that sometimes I think that before I die I want my lost love(s) to know how much I've thought of them. For me so far no action, only 'close calls'.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I also thought it was a mistake when he video chatted me yesterday!

 

But then today he writes me again and says: "can I call you now"?

 

I saw the pop up thought to myself: WTH? :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I didn't even "open" the messages so it prob shows as unread.

 

I see no point whatsoever in talking with someone for the first time in over 20 years... maybe he's bored cause he lives in a not very metropolitan town in Scandinavia. In any case, I think a non clueless person would have first discussed it in a msg to grasp my reaction... as in, hey it would be cool if we talked one day live, or so. Poor thing, I am almost embarrassed for him.

 

lol yeah, that is super weird!

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Just refuse it, who cares what he thinks. There is no benefit to you to video chat, the guy is married. He won’t argue with you or anything.

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jjgitties

jjgitties

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Honestly, every single time someone tries to video chat me on Facebook I assume it's a mistake lol. Does anyone use that feature?? Maybe he has no idea he's doing it?

 

I am so dumb I didnt even know you were able to video chat on FB. I only use video on skype.

 

anyways, OP. I think you are over thinking this and dwelling too much on it. It could be anything. One probable reason for video is he wants to see what you look like now. Peoples pictures on social media are quite deceiving. the reasons why he wants to see what you look like could be entirely selfish. he wants to compare how well (or badly) he has aged compared to you. he wants to compare how good his choice of a wife was to you. (or he could have been so madly in love with you for 30+ years and finally now has gathered up the courage to pursue you at all costs... :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:)

 

Don't over think it. Take it easy and video chat or dont if you dont want to.

 

It could also be entirely dumb and innocent. About a year ago I kept having a dream with a really old girlfriend in it. Someone I used to date and club with 30 years ago. I dreamt her twice in a period of 2 or 3 months and I hadnt thouught about her for a gazillion years. Which has never happened before. So I thought, maybe its a sign or something. Maybe i should say hi or see if she is okay.

 

Any way, i dug my old address book and got a hold of her mother. And lo and behold the old phone number did work. And her mother passed along my info to her and she texted me back and we texted back and forth for a few days. shes divorced and has two kids. but that was it. I didnt want to meet her in person. I prefered to remember her for what she used to look like 30 years ago and didnt want that image of her to change in my mind.

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Art_Critic

Art_Critic

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You feel embarrassed for the guy and all he did was try to connect with you, you have no idea why or what he was contacting you for.

 

You said he was happily coupled and lived far away from you but you think something sinister is up with him, how dare he contact you thru FB, you accepted his friend request...

 

I don't know why he was V-chatting you.. some people are just that way but you don't know either.

 

Either unfriend him or communicate with him, can you not accept his request but only use text instead of video.

 

If I were you with your boundaries where they are you need to not have Ex's on your FB account..

 

I hope you get it resolved but honestly if you are having trouble with this then just be rude to him and unfriend him , he will move on.. hopefully

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Popsicle

Popsicle

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Art Critic makes a good point. With these married dudes you gotta be firm. Doesn’t matter if they’re exes or not. They forget they’re married and think they’re in the game or something.

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Mr.Me

Mr.Me

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I agree you have to set boundaries and be firm about them. I think many guys whether married or not become pushy because nice people try to remain nice and it's easier to go along to get along but with out firm boundries you going to get taken advantage by them in many cases.

 

Some guys still play the game because having a couple of extra biscuits in the oven just in case is never a bad thing.

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edgygirl

edgygirl

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Thanks everyone for the great insights. I am def not overthinking it... I don't really care. Just didn't want to be rude to an ex lover ;)

 

I've ignored his messages as I don't feel like dealing with it right now, but one day maybe after the holidays I think I'll just say I feel a little uncomfy chatting on video.

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dichotomy

dichotomy

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It maybe that he remembers your "fling" differently. Married bored people sometimes do.

 

I have an old GF (no sex not lover) from college - longer that 20 years ago. She emails me every now and then. I have refused to engage phone calls (she has asked over the years) and would never do video calls as I am married and she is not. I also know she has something for me - so I keep our once a year emails brief and friendly and clean.

 

Thats what I would tell your old BF/Fling - you are fine with an occasional friendly message but since he is married your not comfortable.

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Ruby Slippers

Ruby Slippers

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Sounds like he's looking for a little distraction. I'm sure his wife would love to know he's trying to video chat with a former fling.

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