Long story. He cheated.

[mwhitneyvi]

I tried to keep this short but completely failed. Sorry.

 

My relationship was strained from the beginning. He was young, a senior in college, and I was a single mother with a three year old. He chased me for months and I took it slow. For the first couple months we saw other people because I wasn't ready and I didn't think he was either. I told him to enjoy being in college, to have his flings, to live. That he would be doing himself a disservice by taking my daughter and I on at such a young age. Eventually, I caved and said yes to being in a relationship, about three months after we met.

 

I thought I had given him enough time to fully be aware of the decision. We have gone through insane ups and downs. He kind of had a one night stand a month or so after we got together (started to but stopped because he couldn't do it and left), but I take partial blame in that because I was going through some mental issues and I was terrible to him. He assumed I was leaving him, rightly so, and he sought affection elsewhere. I wouldn't let him touch me, didn't want him to come over, so yes while he didn't have an excuse he did have a reason. We got through it.

 

It opened us up emotionally in so many ways and we learned a lot about each other. Fast forward through a tumultuous year and here we are again. A few weeks ago, we broke up. It only lasted a few days. He had been flirting with a handful of girls but didn't meet with any of them, no sex or anything involved. It started two days before we broke up, because he was already planning on leaving me because things were so strained at home. He was working 60 hours a week and I wasn't, but it was a mutual decision. We had a long and amazing talk. I took my part of the blame for not taking better care of him and allowing him to work himself to death. He initially told me that he was feeling wanderlust and that he had taken on a family too soon and that he wanted to be alone and young and immature. I should have listened and walked away there but he made me believe that he only said those things because he was hurt and working too much to have a life. I got a job to take over a good chunk of the bills, he saw his friends more and things were amazing. He pulled out his phone the day we talked it out and messaged two girls that he had been tossing around the idea of going out to breakfast with and told them he was fixing things with me.

 

The past couple of weeks since, we have been practically attached at the hip. Talking about getting married, about how we could never actually leave each other and he said he was stupid to even think he could. Our sex life was great, we were open and affectionate and I truly thought that things were better. They weren't. Two days ago he went out with his friends and went home with another woman. They kissed but there was no sex involved. He fell asleep in her bed for a couple hours and walked home. He first tried to say he fell asleep on her couch but eventually admitted that they kissed and he slept in her bed.

 

He seemed more flustered and frustrated than anything. He said he was sorry but he didn't know why he did it. That it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, and he didn't have answers. It almost seemed like he was so mad at himself that he took it out on me. He just wanted me to leave him alone and stop asking him questions because he didn't have answers. I said that I thought things were good and that we were happy and he agreed but he also said that every time he closed his eyes he thought about being anywhere else. We didn't speak for the rest of the day after, he worked double shifts and I went out with my friends. His Facebook is logged onto my computer so I saw him message his friend saying "I'm home. She's in the bed alone" like he was concerned but why the hell would he be. He told his friend that he doesn't want to keep hurting me but he knows he just will again, and something about part of him liking the 'rush' in reference to taking girls home from the bar.

 

Is there any way in hell that this is just a phase or have I lost him forever? I KNOW I shouldn't settle for this **** but I have such a hard time giving up on people. I was and am so in love with him. He left this morning to go camping by himself for two days, he told his friend that he needed to do it just to know he could survive on his own.

 

There's just so much going through my head and I'm so confused. Before he left to go out with his friends he played some song to me about being in love and getting married. He looked me in the eyes and said he loved me, same as always. I even was talking to him half of the night he was out, and then this happens.

 

I just don't understand. He wanted me desperately and then when he had me I ended up not being enough. But why pretend to be so in love, why talk about having children, getting married, talk about our future all the time and then do this? I just want him to love me again and mean it, but I can't make him. I'm so disappointed and so hurt. I thought he was the one I would spend my life with, and he let me believe it. My daughter calls him dad, we have lived together since January. There's just so much to let go.

Edited December 18, 2017 by mwhitneyvi

[smackie9]

Sorry to say this but you need to wake the f up and smell the doo doo. This guy is a liar master manipulator. When a guy is insistent, that doesn't always mean he's in love/wants commitment. This guy is a player. He knows to say all the right things, suck you in til yer head spins. He makes you helpless and weak so you will keep believing his bull crap and take him back over and over. He is a true d-bag.

 

He's bad news hun...dump this chump.

 

Oh and he did have sex with most of those girls....don't kid yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, this is not just a phase.

 

You need to let him go. He is dishonest and completely untrustworthy. You seem to be blaming yourself a lot and making excuses for him, but you do need to listen to him on one critical point: this is not your fault, and it's not because of anything you did or didn't do.

 

It's him. He is nowhere near ready for commitment and is already seeking out other options. Mature, stable men talk to their partners if they're feeling overwhelmed or ignored or stressed. They don't seek out the comforts of other women. He is not boyfriend material, let alone husband material.

 

As smackie9 says, you do need to wake up. He is not the one for you. And there is probably so much more he's not telling you, such as only "kissing" this girl he went home with. I would not buy that for a hot second, and you shouldn't either.

[Tracy.Pet]

He's immature and not ready to be in a serious relationship, let alone marriage. I do feel that you're incredibly hurt, but trust me, it's better to let him go now. It's horrible, but he's not worthy of any of your affection, he doesn't know what love is.

 

God, what is with this thing about "rush"? It just proves it. You don't need him, he will do it again and again. He won't change and you won't change him either, he himself knows he will cheat on you again.

 

Move on. It will be hard to do, but absolutely worth it.