Did I Make A Stupid Mistake?

[jjgitties]

So I am an older guy in my late 40s. I am married and miserable. I sort of got into this emotional relationship with this girl in her mid 20s about a month ago who was also married. I really thought I connected with her. I liked her a lot. She's actually the first person I feel I connected with since I was in my 20s or 30s. We constantly messaged and we would hookup for coffee and talk for hours after class.

 

Things were going well and she was really friendly but I was starting to have a hard time. I was thinking about her too much. I also didn't really know ir or think this was going to go anywhere. So basically I started going no contact with her. I didn't give a reason or anything. I just stopped responding to her messages as often and gradually became more brief and pretended I was very busy. I didn't want to tell her I was thinking about her too much because I didn't know if she felt the same way and also because I didn't want to come across as a loser.

 

I really miss her and I miss talking and chatting her with her. I actually feel like crap.

 

Just wondering, did I make a huge mistake? Should I have been more forward and explained myself? Did I come across as a big jerk to someone who was nice and I really liked?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You know what we're gonna say. You did the right thing.

[MidwestUSA]

Had you explained yourself, there's a chance she would have admitted to wanting an affair, and your decision would have been even more difficult. The temptation may have been too much. I think this way is safer.

 

 

With the age gap, it seems reasonable that you'd drift apart eventually. Has she questioned you as to why you drifted off?

 

I commend you for recognizing what was at stake, and for stepping away. Now how about getting out of that marriage?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

No, you actually did yourself (and her) a huge favor. Affairs are toxic for families, and you were at risk of messing up two.

 

If you really want to date other women, then talk to your wife about separating, divorce, or even an open relationship. Couples counselling might be able to help you both work through your issues and decide what will work best for your situation.

 

Personally, I would prioritize that first.

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing.

[jjgitties]

You did the right thing.

 

You know what we're gonna say. You did the right thing.

 

Yeah.. I just don't know if I did the right thing the wrong way. I went the wrong way about it. ??

As I said, there was never any sort of official announcement of feelings by anyone. It was just a lot of hanging out. It could have all been in my head and I could have come across a big weirdo for saying how I think about her all day long. Maybe I should have made up some BS lie how i have to go away on a 6 month business trip?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah.. I just don't know if I did the right thing the wrong way. I went the wrong way about it. ??

As I said, there was never any sort of official announcement of feelings by anyone. It was just a lot of hanging out. It could have all been in my head and I could have come across a big weirdo for saying how I think about her all day long. Maybe I should have made up some BS lie how i have to go away on a 6 month business trip?

 

Why can't just stopping the conversing because both of you are married be enough?

[jjgitties]

Why can't just stopping the conversing because both of you are married be enough?

 

I guess thats what exactly happened then.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not a huge believer in EAs ,meaning I don't think having a friend is a violation of your marital vows. When you start thinking about doing more than talking with the other person you are on a dangerous precipice. It's good that you are putting distance in here; you picked the rudest possible way to protect yourself but since the OW is herself married she probably understood.

 

 

Since this seems to be a wake up call for you, it's time to chose. If you value your marriage, I'd tell your wife how much you enjoyed talking to this OW & how much that realization scared you; then beg your wife to work with you to re-ignite the sparks in your marriage. Otherwise, just throw in the towel since you claim to be miserable.

[road]

You made a mistake.

 

You are married and had an EA.

 

You are upset because you are fighting to break your addiction to her.

 

In time you will be back to normal.

[jjgitties]

I'm not a huge believer in EAs ,meaning I don't think having a friend is a violation of your marital vows. When you start thinking about doing more than talking with the other person you are on a dangerous precipice. It's good that you are putting distance in here; you picked the rudest possible way to protect yourself but since the OW is herself married she probably understood.

 

 

Since this seems to be a wake up call for you, it's time to chose. If you value your marriage, I'd tell your wife how much you enjoyed talking to this OW & how much that realization scared you; then beg your wife to work with you to re-ignite the sparks in your marriage. Otherwise, just throw in the towel since you claim to be miserable.

 

Yeah, that's what I think.. I should have make up a bull**** story how i have to go on a 6 month business trip or something.

 

Ahh. ****.. My insides feel like minced meat. Like someone took my intestines and ran them through a meat grinder.

[PegNosePete]

You made a mistake by seeking an emotional connection with another woman rather than either (a) working on your marriage or (b) ending your marriage first. You made another mistake by choosing a woman who is also married! You did the right thing by ending the connection because it was heading in a dangerous direction.

[wmacbride]

So I am an older guy in my late 40s. I am married and miserable. I sort of got into this emotional relationship with this girl in her mid 20s about a month ago who was also married. I really thought I connected with her. I liked her a lot. She's actually the first person I feel I connected with since I was in my 20s or 30s. We constantly messaged and we would hookup for coffee and talk for hours after class.

 

Things were going well and she was really friendly but I was starting to have a hard time. I was thinking about her too much. I also didn't really know ir or think this was going to go anywhere. So basically I started going no contact with her. I didn't give a reason or anything. I just stopped responding to her messages as often and gradually became more brief and pretended I was very busy. I didn't want to tell her I was thinking about her too much because I didn't know if she felt the same way and also because I didn't want to come across as a loser.

 

I really miss her and I miss talking and chatting her with her. I actually feel like crap.

 

Just wondering, did I make a huge mistake? Should I have been more forward and explained myself? Did I come across as a big jerk to someone who was nice and I really liked?

 

You did the right thing, especially form her point of view.

 

If you had explained yourself, and she was not interested in an affair, you might well have creeped her out, and your "friendship" would have been tainted. It might well seem to her that all you were doing was laying the groundwork for a sexual relationship even if that wasn't the case.

 

If she was interested in an affair, all that would do is introduce a huge potential for pain into her life. How could you do that to someone you care about?

 

In the end, staying away from her may well have been the best way to show you do care about her as it was putting her before yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

I agree you did the right thing, and would go further to say I think you also did it the most effective way.

 

If you shared your feelings, there are 3 possible outcomes that I see:

 

1) She confesses that she shares these feelings and then you are in a full-blown EA that can lead nowhere good for anyone. Iin most cases, the EA turns to a PA and then you're in way over your head. You think you're in pain now? Try recovering from a D-day or some other consequence of infidelity.

 

2) She does not share your feelings and you are left feeling humiliated and vulnerable, still with the potential for a D-day should she choose to share your confession with her husband or another friend that may not know how to keep quiet about it.

 

3) She does not share your feelings, but still wants to remain close. In that case, you are just being used and lead on, which will also create more pain down the road.

 

In your current reality, you have ended the connection and done so in a way that may be confusing to her temporarily, but will leave no ambiguity about where either of you stand.

 

If you are curious about how these dynamics frequently play out, read in the Infidelity/OWOM forums.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah, that's what I think.. I should have make up a bull**** story how i have to go on a 6 month business trip or something.

 

 

Lying to the OW won't solve anything. Just slowly move away.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yeah.. I just don't know if I did the right thing the wrong way. I went the wrong way about it. ??

As I said, there was never any sort of official announcement of feelings by anyone. It was just a lot of hanging out. It could have all been in my head and I could have come across a big weirdo for saying how I think about her all day long. Maybe I should have made up some BS lie how i have to go away on a 6 month business trip?

 

I'm sorry but if you really cared about doing the right thing, you wouldn't have gotten yourself in this predicament in the first place.

 

I get that you're in a miserable marriage. You're not the first person to have been here and you won't be the last. Welcome to the club hunnie.

 

Do right by your wife, your family and yourself and deal with the problems in your marriage before investing so much time and energy in another woman. A woman who also is married.

 

I agree with Scarlett O'Hara, if you really want to date other women, then clean up the mess in your marriage first or discuss an open relationship.

 

You're taking the easy road out when you avoid dealing with your marital problems and instead choose to get lost lusting over a new piece of candy.

 

There are no winners when it comes to extra-marital affairs.

[jjgitties]

Yup. You are right.

 

Well I guess a good thing I noticed happened today. She unfriended me on FB. I guess that's a good thing. It sort of makes sense. We havnet chatted in 2 weeks and the course is over. It sort of brings closure. It was getting kind of hard logging in and constantly having to see her little picture in the corner in messenger all the time.

[heartbrokenlady]

You told us all for months you were just friends. We all said you wanted more. You denied it.

 

If you want to keep your wife, kids, house, you need to refocus. You said your wife thought you were neglecting your family. You were.

 

Sort yourself out man, or you're gonna lose everything.

[d0nnivain]

Yup. You are right.

 

Well I guess a good thing I noticed happened today. She unfriended me on FB. I guess that's a good thing. It sort of makes sense. We havnet chatted in 2 weeks and the course is over. It sort of brings closure. It was getting kind of hard logging in and constantly having to see her little picture in the corner in messenger all the time.

 

 

Good put it behind you & concentrate on fixing your marriage.

[spiderowl]

You're married; she's married. She's half your age. Where could this go? Even if it went somewhere, it is not likely to last. I know you miss her, but maybe you need to address why you are miserable in your marriage and resolve that - either by marital counselling or a separation. When you have resolved your own personal situation, then you can truly be open to a new relationship. You knew that you were getting attached and that the context was not right for that. I think you did the right thing.