everything is just a mess and I'm at a cross road (ED trigger warning)

[girlinamess]

So basically be prepared for the longest story ever but I don't want anyone to get the wrong end of the stick here...

 

Me and my boyfriend started dating in 2015. A bit of background that is relevant I promise haha: everything was sunshine and roses except for the fact that he just so happened to be in the same friendship circle as another guy who I had texted for a bit but nothing came of. We met in college and the department we were in was small so we all knew each other. Well this guy told everyone that I cheated on him with my current bf which really stung because a) I had been very honest with him - we went on one date and I told him I'd had a lovely time but I wasn't feeling a spark which he was obviously offended by and b) I've always been massively against cheating, I don't understand why people do it. Anyway I've come to terms with that whole situation because even though I was being treated by a lot of our mutual friends at college as though I was a cheater, I knew that wasn't the case, and my boyfriend knew the truth.

 

That said, he never really defended me to his friends when they said I had 'cheated' or when they made jokes about him 'stealing me'. One time a guy yelled at me about it when he was drunk and my bf didn't seem moved at all, just asked him to leave. I've always thought that I liked how gentle he is but now I'm starting to see that it was probably quite self-serving of him to act the way he did about it, as he got to keep all his friends and me. A bit of support would have helped because that was probably one of the loneliest times of my life. I never understood why he let me take all of the blame and made no attempt to help.

 

I don't want to just say all the awful things because obviously we wouldn't have been together this long if I didn't like him! He's got a great sense of humour, he's a good friend and really easy company. He loves his family and he's a hard worker. But there have been some things that have happened over the course of our relationship that have just cast a shadow over it. He pointed out that I'd put on a little weight, he said 'you look good now but you looked great before'. I used to have an eating disorder and still struggle to keep those thoughts away and he knew that when he said it, and I don't know if he just wasn't thinking or what... well this turned into me interrogating him every now and then about body types, what he thought was attractive etc. I'm not proud of it, I was so insecure it was actually terrible. This went on for a few months and it didn't help when I would see him liking pictures of exclusively skinny pretty girls on FB, instagram... I know what boys are like and this was never a problem with previous boyfriends, but like he wouldn't even hold my hand outside of the house? There was another time when he told me he wished I looked like my best friend who is smaller than me by maybe 2 or 3 stone. There were lots of other things and I'm probably forgetting (repressing) a lot of it but basically a lot of sketchy stuff that gave me a funny feeling mixed in with really great times? It's been a lot better since but not with any help from him, mostly me self-loving as best I can and blocking out those voices telling me to skip dinner etc.

 

We've talked it out a lot and he seems to agree that what I've been put through isn't fair, and he says he wants to treat me the way I've always treated him, love support etc. He agrees that he wasn't there at the beginning and made stupid mistakes and was immature etc, and every time he makes a promise to me that he's going to make good on it all but you can probably guess that after the conversation is over it's like we never talked. We kiss, make up and I'm hopeful for the future... for a couple of days. And then I see that he's not thinking about making good on everything until the next time we talk about it... I don't know if he's a pathological liar or if I'm expecting too much?? Writing this out I'm just thinking 'you're an idiot!' because I'm not a stupid girl, I know what it sounds like. I know that if I told my mum about it she'd freak out and tell me to break up with him especially with the stuff about my weight because she knows what I went through in the past. In fact, I've actually put on more weight since he said 'you looked great before' because of emotional eating, binging and purging etc from stress, and so that stresses me out to no end as well, it's a vicious cycle. I don't think he would cheat on me, but I don't feel unconditionally loved at all. He's the one person who isn't supposed to care about that stuff you know?

 

The other thing is that he doesn't listen when I speak to him. He 'zones out' and I'll ask him a question and he won't answer and I feel like I'm the mst insignificant, invisible person in the world. And I know it's like a comedy trope on TV etc but in my life it's every day at least 5 times and it upsets me considering everything. He seems indifferent to me until I say I'm unhappy in the relationship and then he's all apologetic again... It's as though he wants the bad conversation over as soon as possible so he can go back to ignoring me. This is made worse by the fact that we live together by ourselves so the only company I have is him and he works nights and I'm in university in the days so we barely talk really. He doesn't really seem to want to do anything other than go to work which can be hard to live with as I feel like he wants me to be like a housewife already and clean up after him because he says he has no time, and he also doesn't really have any plans or aspirations for the future whereas I'm very driven and know what I want to do. That's not really a problem so much as it's a big difference between us and can be frustrating as I always want to be doing something. A lot of my friends just graduated so I don't see a lot of people and I guess it sucks that the one person I see never wants to talk to me or do anything with me haha.

 

Ok but finally the reason I'm posting here (sorry I'm not great at this, I just so desperately want you to understand) - this past week I went out with him to his staff's party. I met his co-workers and there was this guy there who I just sort of clicked with. He's a good-looking guy and very friendly and the conversation was flowing but I'd absolutely never cheat on anybody as I've already said. In fact we were talking about what a great guy my bf is and what his plans are for the future etc. My bf was barely beside me all night talking to other people so I thought I was fine to talk to whoever but then he came over later on and took me aside quietly and said he was angry that I was ignoring him.

 

I was kind of dumbfounded because of all of the above, but nonetheless I wanted to know where he was coming from so we went home and talked it out the next day. He told me that the guy I was talking to is known as a ladies man and it just bothered him... he also told me that apparently this guys always gets with really fit girls and I mean I'm pretty average, we were literally talking about what a great guy my bf is, he knows he can trust me and so I still don't understand where he was coming from. I don't like that he is happy to ignore me most of the time and has criticised my figure and then when some guy talks to me he's all possessive and seems to suddenly think I'm a catch?

 

The reason I told the first story about the guy who said I was a cheat is because my bf said something very weird when we were on our way back from the staff party. He said that it would be 'bad for my reputation' if I broke up with him and got with the guy he worked with.. which I had no intention on doing (also the guy in question wouldn't look twice at me anyway lol) but I don't understand what he meant by it, I asked and he just said about how it wouldn't look good for me with my past being what it is. I'm guessing he means that first situation but he knows the truth there and I'm just in such a mess basically that I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I've never cheated on anyone and that is the absolute truth and I don't plan on changing that, I just want to stop hurting without hurting anyone else in the process. I'll admit it was nice talking to someone who was listening and responding lol, but that was it. Even with everything my bf has done, I wouldn't get with his co-worker and hurt him like that. I think I want to break up with my bf, I'm not sure to be honest. I feel like I've tried everything to make the bad better and he just won't help.

 

Like I say, I live with him and feel awful about my body and I really don't think anyone else would take me. Obviously breaking up would be really difficult and it's an upsetting idea to me. But a scenario in which I'm not dealing with everything I'm dealing with is looking like a better and better option every time he zones out when we're talking, makes and breaks a promise etc. Ugh what should I do? I didn't spend a lot of time talking about what a good guy he is but basically; he's my best friend, he knows me better than anyone and we can make each other's sides split from laughter. But only when he feels like it and any moment of happiness is tinged with the knowledge that it's always temporary. I don't know if I want to spend another New Year's Eve kissing him at midnight and then he apologises straight after for all of the rubbish he's put me through and promising we'll have a good new year... because we haven't the past three times he's said it. I just want everything to be a fresh clean slate and I can go back to feeling good about myself and to enjoy being 22? Instead of being so stressed out and lonely all the time and if it's like this now what's it going to be like in the future, with or without him?

 

So sorry this was so long, I've tried my best to cut out irrelevant stuff... any help would be massively appreciated <3

Edited December 18, 2017 by girlinamess
this post was enormous, still is but trimmed it down a bit

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like your boyfriend would make a better friend, rather than a boyfriend.

 

He may have some nice points, but there is a whole lot of things that he says and does that brings you down, and they aren't trivial.

 

How you feel about yourself is very important. A good relationship should lift you up, not bring you down. Negative relationships can cause long term damage to your self esteem and confidence. It can also become abusive.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is becoming aware that you are starting to pull away emotionally, which is why he tried to make you feel guilty for not following him around at his office party. Seeing you talk to another guy made him feel insecure so he tried to make you feel bad, instead of making more effort to include you (which has been an ongoing issue in your relationship).

 

This has to be your decision, but my advice would be to start making your happiness a priority. If that means you need to end the relationship, then I believe it is the right decision. If you live together, then you need to be prepared to move out at the same time, and start afresh.

 

Don't doubt your value or settle for less than you deserve.

[Superchicken]

OK, I see no future with you two.

If you, straight out say your thinking or breaking up with him, over a small issue like this, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

If you cant handle disagreements, and stupidity (A small amount) from a guy, then clearly you have a lot more to learn before sharing your life.

 

 

Guys, are mainly diks for most part. We tend to overanalyse, under act, and overdo.

 

 

Just ask every women in a relationship with more than two years invested.

 

 

However, we can and do many things right as well, and we do contribute to our partners, and families as well.

Just find that sweet spot, and enjoy your lives.

 

 

Communications with your partner is paramount ..

Discuss it first, and LAST before making drastic decisions that may kill your relationship.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Space Ritual]

So basically be prepared for the longest story ever but I don't want anyone to get the wrong end of the stick here...

 

Me and my boyfriend started dating in 2015. A bit of background that is relevant I promise haha: everything was sunshine and roses except for the fact that he just so happened to be in the same friendship circle as another guy who I had texted for a bit but nothing came of. We met in college and the department we were in was small so we all knew each other. Well this guy told everyone that I cheated on him with my current bf which really stung because a) I had been very honest with him - we went on one date and I told him I'd had a lovely time but I wasn't feeling a spark which he was obviously offended by and b) I've always been massively against cheating, I don't understand why people do it. Anyway I've come to terms with that whole situation because even though I was being treated by a lot of our mutual friends at college as though I was a cheater, I knew that wasn't the case, and my boyfriend knew the truth.

 

That said, he never really defended me to his friends when they said I had 'cheated' or when they made jokes about him 'stealing me'. One time a guy yelled at me about it when he was drunk and my bf didn't seem moved at all, just asked him to leave. I've always thought that I liked how gentle he is but now I'm starting to see that it was probably quite self-serving of him to act the way he did about it, as he got to keep all his friends and me. A bit of support would have helped because that was probably one of the loneliest times of my life. I never understood why he let me take all of the blame and made no attempt to help.

 

I don't want to just say all the awful things because obviously we wouldn't have been together this long if I didn't like him! He's got a great sense of humour, he's a good friend and really easy company. He loves his family and he's a hard worker. But there have been some things that have happened over the course of our relationship that have just cast a shadow over it. He pointed out that I'd put on a little weight, he said 'you look good now but you looked great before'. I used to have an eating disorder and still struggle to keep those thoughts away and he knew that when he said it, and I don't know if he just wasn't thinking or what... well this turned into me interrogating him every now and then about body types, what he thought was attractive etc. I'm not proud of it, I was so insecure it was actually terrible. This went on for a few months and it didn't help when I would see him liking pictures of exclusively skinny pretty girls on FB, instagram... I know what boys are like and this was never a problem with previous boyfriends, but like he wouldn't even hold my hand outside of the house? There was another time when he told me he wished I looked like my best friend who is smaller than me by maybe 2 or 3 stone. There were lots of other things and I'm probably forgetting (repressing) a lot of it but basically a lot of sketchy stuff that gave me a funny feeling mixed in with really great times? It's been a lot better since but not with any help from him, mostly me self-loving as best I can and blocking out those voices telling me to skip dinner etc.

 

We've talked it out a lot and he seems to agree that what I've been put through isn't fair, and he says he wants to treat me the way I've always treated him, love support etc. He agrees that he wasn't there at the beginning and made stupid mistakes and was immature etc, and every time he makes a promise to me that he's going to make good on it all but you can probably guess that after the conversation is over it's like we never talked. We kiss, make up and I'm hopeful for the future... for a couple of days. And then I see that he's not thinking about making good on everything until the next time we talk about it... I don't know if he's a pathological liar or if I'm expecting too much?? Writing this out I'm just thinking 'you're an idiot!' because I'm not a stupid girl, I know what it sounds like. I know that if I told my mum about it she'd freak out and tell me to break up with him especially with the stuff about my weight because she knows what I went through in the past. In fact, I've actually put on more weight since he said 'you looked great before' because of emotional eating, binging and purging etc from stress, and so that stresses me out to no end as well, it's a vicious cycle. I don't think he would cheat on me, but I don't feel unconditionally loved at all. He's the one person who isn't supposed to care about that stuff you know?

 

The other thing is that he doesn't listen when I speak to him. He 'zones out' and I'll ask him a question and he won't answer and I feel like I'm the mst insignificant, invisible person in the world. And I know it's like a comedy trope on TV etc but in my life it's every day at least 5 times and it upsets me considering everything. He seems indifferent to me until I say I'm unhappy in the relationship and then he's all apologetic again... It's as though he wants the bad conversation over as soon as possible so he can go back to ignoring me. This is made worse by the fact that we live together by ourselves so the only company I have is him and he works nights and I'm in university in the days so we barely talk really. He doesn't really seem to want to do anything other than go to work which can be hard to live with as I feel like he wants me to be like a housewife already and clean up after him because he says he has no time, and he also doesn't really have any plans or aspirations for the future whereas I'm very driven and know what I want to do. That's not really a problem so much as it's a big difference between us and can be frustrating as I always want to be doing something. A lot of my friends just graduated so I don't see a lot of people and I guess it sucks that the one person I see never wants to talk to me or do anything with me haha.

 

Ok but finally the reason I'm posting here (sorry I'm not great at this, I just so desperately want you to understand) - this past week I went out with him to his staff's party. I met his co-workers and there was this guy there who I just sort of clicked with. He's a good-looking guy and very friendly and the conversation was flowing but I'd absolutely never cheat on anybody as I've already said. In fact we were talking about what a great guy my bf is and what his plans are for the future etc. My bf was barely beside me all night talking to other people so I thought I was fine to talk to whoever but then he came over later on and took me aside quietly and said he was angry that I was ignoring him.

 

I was kind of dumbfounded because of all of the above, but nonetheless I wanted to know where he was coming from so we went home and talked it out the next day. He told me that the guy I was talking to is known as a ladies man and it just bothered him... he also told me that apparently this guys always gets with really fit girls and I mean I'm pretty average, we were literally talking about what a great guy my bf is, he knows he can trust me and so I still don't understand where he was coming from. I don't like that he is happy to ignore me most of the time and has criticised my figure and then when some guy talks to me he's all possessive and seems to suddenly think I'm a catch?

 

The reason I told the first story about the guy who said I was a cheat is because my bf said something very weird when we were on our way back from the staff party. He said that it would be 'bad for my reputation' if I broke up with him and got with the guy he worked with.. which I had no intention on doing (also the guy in question wouldn't look twice at me anyway lol) but I don't understand what he meant by it, I asked and he just said about how it wouldn't look good for me with my past being what it is. I'm guessing he means that first situation but he knows the truth there and I'm just in such a mess basically that I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I've never cheated on anyone and that is the absolute truth and I don't plan on changing that, I just want to stop hurting without hurting anyone else in the process. I'll admit it was nice talking to someone who was listening and responding lol, but that was it. Even with everything my bf has done, I wouldn't get with his co-worker and hurt him like that. I think I want to break up with my bf, I'm not sure to be honest. I feel like I've tried everything to make the bad better and he just won't help.

 

Like I say, I live with him and feel awful about my body and I really don't think anyone else would take me. Obviously breaking up would be really difficult and it's an upsetting idea to me. But a scenario in which I'm not dealing with everything I'm dealing with is looking like a better and better option every time he zones out when we're talking, makes and breaks a promise etc. Ugh what should I do? I didn't spend a lot of time talking about what a good guy he is but basically; he's my best friend, he knows me better than anyone and we can make each other's sides split from laughter. But only when he feels like it and any moment of happiness is tinged with the knowledge that it's always temporary. I don't know if I want to spend another New Year's Eve kissing him at midnight and then he apologises straight after for all of the rubbish he's put me through and promising we'll have a good new year... because we haven't the past three times he's said it. I just want everything to be a fresh clean slate and I can go back to feeling good about myself and to enjoy being 22? Instead of being so stressed out and lonely all the time and if it's like this now what's it going to be like in the future, with or without him?

 

So sorry this was so long, I've tried my best to cut out irrelevant stuff... any help would be massively appreciated <3

 

 

 

You've got a fairly straight forward issue here. and as usual, brought out by the Holidays.

 

I always maintain that if there is a problem with a relationship, the holidays usually bring it out as emotions tend to run high as we all seem to have fairly unrealistic expectations about what the Holidays are supposed to be.

 

What you have here is a relationship that is going nowhere. You have a litany of complaints against your boyfriend, and only in the last paragraph do you have anything remotely positive to say about him. And when you do, its the tired out "best friend" buzzword everyone uses these days, with all the other usual monikers. So apart from the cookie cutter description of him, what exactly do you see in your current BF?

 

What he meant b the whole "not going to be good for you" routine is that he is firing a shot across your bow that deep down he does not trust you at all. Consequently he also gave you a snapshot into what a breakup will be like., which will be an exercise in character assassination. Basically he is telling you if you even consider dumping him he will be prepared to besmirch you to anyone within earshot.

 

I'll tell you right now your relationship is dead in the water as it has too much water in its lungs to be able to save.

 

He will besmirch you regardless....so strike while the iron is hot, get rid of him.

 

If you've done nothing wrong, then you can take whatever he throws at you when its done. Because if you have nothing to be ashamed about, anything he can say at this point will not bring any shame onto you.

 

Taken as a whole, your story sums up as a boyfriend using emotional extortion to convince you that staying with him is as good as it gets. This has disaster written all over it.

 

I just want to say it doesn't have to be like that

 

Dump him now while you can. It will be painful either way, but rip that bandaid off and move on with your life.

Edited December 22, 2017 by Space Ritual

[BarbedFenceRider]

Your current BF is a beta that is easily intimidated by alphas and PUAs. They ARE really good at spotting the latter by the way...

 

He is also showing intimacy issues.. Locked into work, phones, TV and anything else except for you and your needs. Its a common thing I hear..He is unsure of how to initiate intimacy, therefore he hides from it all the time...

 

And finally about your image...You need to work on that for yourself. Using others views on you as a crutch will only allow you to fall. Bad guys will exploit you and get what they want while you are dumped. You must be strong to stand on your own two feet. Find 2 qualities that you do appreciate in yourself and build from there. Do NOT seek audible validation from others as it is usually said in a vacuum. Actions and experiences speak volumes.

Best of luck and happy holidays.