having trouble fully accepting my breakup; still hopeful but don’t know if I should b

[GuiltyandIdontknowY]

im not really sure what I'm looking for with this post but I just have to get it out somewhere. I'm going to be moving out from the apartment we share soon, and it's killing me. I try to hide it and just enjoy the time we have left but I know what's looming on the horizon and if I think about it too much I just break down.

 

Nothing huge even really happened between us. When we first started seeing each other, I still thought about my ex and then when my current boyfriend and I started to get more serious, I felt extremely guilty about ever thinking about the ex in the first place. I let it eat away at me and the guilt affected our relationship. And when our relationship started to be affected, he got more distant. When he got more distant, I pulled away too. I felt like I wasn't ever able to be fully present with him, for stupid reasons, and that led us to where we are now. I spent too much time worrying about the future and feeling guilty about the past. It makes me feel especially crappy when I think about other relationships and how I'm sure they've thought "unpure" thoughts before, but they are able to move on and have healthy relationships because they don't let it bother them. And I'm stuck with my crappy brain.

 

So because I feel like it's all my fault and it was all unnecessary stuff that could've been prevented, I'm having trouble fully accepting everything that's happening now. My brain feels like it's on overdrive; I feel like I have all this stuff I want to say to him but I don't even know where to begin. Like I haven't been able to tell him everything I want to; but I don't even know what the "everything" is. I feel like I ruined something that could've been really great. And this type of thing has happened to me with past relationships too. What if I'm never able to fix this issue?

 

I try to tell myself that if there was ever a chance of us working out, that it wouldn't come from us staying together when he doesn't really want to. It would come when we had some time and some distance apart, and a chance to really clear our heads and see what we truly feel. And that does bring me some comfort, but at the same time, if he wants us to be done, then I really shouldn't hold out hope. But I can't help it. I'd like there to be some way that I can let go but at the same still have hope?..if that makes any sense? It doesn't. I'm a mess.

[d0nnivain]

Break ups are never fun. When they involve moving too they can be particularly difficult. It will become more real to you once you have relocated.