I think my friend has fallen in love with me

[Notsofunyguy]

Dear friends at Loveshack.org, hello. I'm glad to be here.

 

 

Something has been bothering me for quite some time now, and I was googling to see if someone has had similar situation. I came across this site and I decided to join and ask you guys for help, this community seems both active and helpful.

 

So here is the thing, I have an online female friend, we live in different countries (She is in the Netherlands and I'm from the middle east, yet we are both from the same country but she was raised there). We have been friends for more than a year and we are pretty close. I think we have texted each other almost every day from the day we started chatting, and sometimes our chats take long, but this is what is a bit alarming for me.

 

I am a bit concerned that she might have developed some feelings beyond the spectrum of friendship. I kinda feel that she expects the behavior one would expect from a boyfriend. To text back on-demand, to memorize her daily schedule (God forbid if forget something about her work). She starts fights because I could not text back for a few hours (yes, only for a few hours). And even if I don't text back for like a day, she starts apologizing and just says how "She needs to talk to me" or "She would not trade my friendship with the world" or other things like that. Once she started a fight and when I told her maybe we should talk less or something, she cried for hours. I can give you further details but I think that would be redundant.

 

I have to say that I really like her, she is a very good friend, I feel comfortable to talk to her about my feelings, but I kinda feel like that it is turning into some kind of obligation. In a relationship (more than friends), you are obliged to make time for your SO no matter what. But demanding a friend to be there all the time, every moment of every day, is a bit odd. I can't simply ask her, and she is going through a lot of problems (family, work, depression etc.) and I want to be her helping hand... but as a friend. I tried to ask her about her future plans regarding a relationship and she told e a few times that she doesn't even think about a relationship or joked about not finding the guy she wants. On the other hand she keeps telling me that she can't imagine not talking to me even for one day. I don't know what to make out of it.

 

I'm currently single, but I might start dating in a few months (currently I am so preoccupied that I can not guarantee a girl's emotional stability and satisfaction) and I can't imagine hurting her. On the other hand, when I start dating eventually, I will not text a female friend 24/7, it is very disrespectful to my future SO, and it might even be destructive for her. I also have to say that after knowing her for quite some time, I am sure that I can not simply "talk to her" about this issue.

 

I don't know what to do. Is she in love with me? If so, what can I do? I can't simply shut her down. Or am I just being delusional and this is normal for a female friend to feel close to guy friend.

[healing light]

Sounds like this girl has a romantic obsession with you. I agree that it's not healthy to carry on if you have no intention of being with her, especially if you intend to date another woman. I would start to back off and if she confronts you, just be honest. Tell her you are busy and can't always be in touch 24/7, that you enjoy talking to her but can't give her what she seems to be looking for or that you feel smothered or confused by the nature of the constant contact. Truly platonic friends normally do not require so much work or get offended or cry for hours if you are busy. You're not responsible for her happiness, that's too much pressure to put on anyone. She will be unhappy but that's not under your control--you need to take your power back and set up better boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

I think you need to start setting better boundaries with her. Perhaps mention your desire to start dating again in the near future. How she reacts to that will tell you all you need to know.

 

 

Frankly she also sounds too demanding / needy. I couldn't imagine expecting my husband to know my schedule. At best I remind him that morning if I have something to do that will cause me to not be home for dinner so he knows to pick up something on his way home or eat leftovers.

[Notsofunyguy]

Sounds like this girl has a romantic obsession with you. I agree that it's not healthy to carry on if you have no intention of being with her, especially if you intend to date another woman. I would start to back off and if she confronts you, just be honest. Tell her you are busy and can't always be in touch 24/7, that you enjoy talking to her but can't give her what she seems to be looking for or that you feel smothered or confused by the nature of the constant contact. Truly platonic friends normally do not require so much work or get offended or cry for hours if you are busy. You're not responsible for her happiness, that's too much pressure to put on anyone. She will be unhappy but that's not under your control--you need to take your power back and set up better boundaries.

 

Thank you for your response. I don't think I can mention this friendship being "weird". First, I might lose the friendship, second it would really help her and she really needs help (she is going through very difficult times). And two outcomes are possible :1) She admits that she has feelings and then everything will be awkward. 2) She would say no and I would sound like an ******* who mistakes people ques. I just need some tactics to make her realize that this kind of relationship will hurt her more than it might hurt me.

All and all, I don't want to help an already hurt human being

 

I think you need to start setting better boundaries with her. Perhaps mention your desire to start dating again in the near future. How she reacts to that will tell you all you need to know.

 

 

Frankly she also sounds too demanding / needy. I couldn't imagine expecting my husband to know my schedule. At best I remind him that morning if I have something to do that will cause me to not be home for dinner so he knows to pick up something on his way home or eat leftovers.

 

Thank you for your time. Well, as far as I know she is not needy with anyone, not even her parents or other friends. And if I even mention that she is "too needy" (which she is), she would not ever talk to me I assure you. I don't want to lose the friendship and I don't want to help her. She doesn't have that many friends.

Also, I have mentioned that I will start dating and I have made a lot of hints that we are just friends. I also frequently say thing like "You are a great friend" or "You are like a sister to me" (I have tried a lot of "zoning", friendzonig, sisterzonin, etc.). She just says things like "Then what would I do" or "I would be bored and sad", but sometimes she starts arguments about "You just leave like everyone else", and uses the guilt and shame tactic.

 

I just want to make her realize that friendships have boundries. I was thinking about laying to her, for example saying I'm dating someone. Or say that I am very busy and can not be as available as I was. But I really don't like to lie to a good friend.

 

Can you believe she once wanted to have these location sharing apps? Even spouses don't do that.

[bigpunged2020]

so are you two still talking are you talking less to her how she is taking it

[Notsofunyguy]

so are you two still talking are you talking less to her how she is taking it

 

Well, I am using my busy schedule as an excuse to talk less. I also sometimes lie that I am busy and don't text back (I hate lying). Fortunately, her work schedule doesn't also allow her to always be online (But I think she once got in trouble for trying to text me during work). She keeps saying that she wants to talk and things like that, but I have not notice any significant changes in her attitude. Although she is kinda affectionate, with frequent mood changes (Getting grumpy when we don't talk but apologizing after). But this has been the case for months.

 

Also, in a random social network, I saw her answering to a girl that "Her best friend [me] is a guy and there is no problem with having a male best "friend".

 

One more thing... she is going to visit my country... although she has family here and she visits every few years. She even told me she wants to visit "in a few years" when we were not very close. I don't think she is visiting because of me, but the ways she wants us to meet is a bit weird. I told her that I take my younger brother (he is 22) anywhere I go so the 3 of us can hang out, she took it well and said it's ok and "She doesn't care if I bring my whole family". I pretty much have to meet her (And I do want to), but I should really be careful.

I'm also going to tell her that I will start dating in a month or two, which is true

[LilySun]

She seems in love alright... In the unhealthy sense.

 

Maybe mention you are starting to date people... Apologies in advance that you may not be available as often because of this. But you cherish her friendship and still care. If you just kind of ease her into the routine of less frequent contact, maybe it will be fine.

 

But as needy as she seems... Jealousy might rear it's ugly head and make her dependence on you even worse. Not to mention that could strain any relationship you try to have. If she acts irrationally about it, might be time to cut her off and give her time to sort herself out.

 

Needing a friend sometimes is okay, but it's not fair to make another person feel responsible for your happiness and give them a guilt trip for not being there around the clock. She needs the kind of therapy that can help her to rely on herself for happiness, instead of other people.

 

You can say you care for her but there is only so much you can do to help, and that a professional would be a beneficial thing for her.

 

Weather she is in love or not isn't even the issue...she is counting on you in a way that is just not healthy.

[Notsofunyguy]

She seems in love alright... In the unhealthy sense.

 

Maybe mention you are starting to date people... Apologies in advance that you may not be available as often because of this. But you cherish her friendship and still care. If you just kind of ease her into the routine of less frequent contact, maybe it will be fine.

 

But as needy as she seems... Jealousy might rear it's ugly head and make her dependence on you even worse. Not to mention that could strain any relationship you try to have. If she acts irrationally about it, might be time to cut her off and give her time to sort herself out.

 

Needing a friend sometimes is okay, but it's not fair to make another person feel responsible for your happiness and give them a guilt trip for not being there around the clock. She needs the kind of therapy that can help her to rely on herself for happiness, instead of other people.

 

You can say you care for her but there is only so much you can do to help, and that a professional would be a beneficial thing for her.

 

Weather she is in love or not isn't even the issue...she is counting on you in a way that is just not healthy.

 

Thank you for your answer. The last point really caught my eyes, as you say it doesn't matter how she feels about me. All that matters that it is not healthy (If you ask me, "dependence" is destructive in any sort of relationship. You should "rely" on your family/friends/spouse but never depend on them).

 

I already told her that I might start dating soon and to be honest, my goal is a long term relationship-marriage- so when I start, I aim for a stable sort of thing. So if she starts acting psycho (which she won't, I'm sure) it will damage my future relationships. I will take your advice and be less available during the day. Maybe answer her text with a delay, but I don't think I should act distant (Answering "k" to a wall of text for example). I really do cherish her friendship.

 

She has been through therapy for a short while but her insurance doesn't cover it well and she is not doing great in terms of financial status. She also adores her mother, but her mother has her own issues and doesn't treat her like we expect, and her past relationships also wrecked her emotionally.

 

Thank you for your advice, I will keep that in mind. Just have to be less available and send more hints about the concept of "friendship" and wait a few month until we meet. I'm freaking out =)))).

[Ella93]

I’m having a similar issue with someone I believed to be just a friend (details in my thread). I would suggest not making the same mistake I made. My friend had some personal issues as well. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but me trying to be nice instead of giving a firm “no” made the situation much worse.

[Notsofunyguy]

I’m having a similar issue with someone I believed to be just a friend (details in my thread). I would suggest not making the same mistake I made. My friend had some personal issues as well. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but me trying to be nice instead of giving a firm “no” made the situation much worse.

 

Thank you for your time. I have read your post and gave my comment on your issue. Fortunately, we never had some kind of talk like that. She also has some image problems (despite being very pretty) and I have complimented her that she look beautiful and all, but always in the context of "friendship" and I have never said that I would or might have a "thing" going with her. I just don't want to hurt her.

 

But I will keep your advice in mind, and will never tell her that I might consider her just to make her feel better. Will make confusion in the long run and as the case in "John", she might become crazy (Although very unlikely of her)

[Ella93]

I wish I had been that cautious. People tend to hear what they want to hear rather than what was actually said. Good luck with your friend!