Does moving on mean you can never ever have feelings for that person ever again?

[HiCrunchy]

Does moving on mean you can never ever have romantic feelings for that person ever again?

 

I am trying to understand the concept of moving on. I know that you can no longer have romantic feelings for this person ever again? Or does it mean that someone no longer is feelings pain and can deal with it past baggage regardless of how they feel? If it is the first case, why are people uncomfortable with old exes coming around (if their current partner has moved on, then it shouldn't be a problem right?)

 

Maybe it means different things to different people??

[carhill]

Does moving on mean you can never ever have romantic feelings for that person ever again?

To me, moving on means accepting things as they were, as they are, and 'moving on' to live life today, as it is today. Tomorrow is unknown. Could you have 'feelings' for an ex-lover, ex-partner, or ex-spouse again in the future? IMO, sure! That's what human is all about. Anything is possible. Likely? Well, it happens for some people. The love can be completely new, or never really died and they ignored it or it's 'unfinished business'. Humans are really complex creatures.

Why are people uncomfortable with old exes coming around (if their current partner has moved on, then it shouldn't be a problem right?)

 

Depends on the person. Some people are territorial by nature, not just with partners, so guard them like property. Others, whatever, no worries. Usually those personality characteristics are established when young.

 

Maybe it means different things to different people??

For sure. Waking up in the morning and not having first thoughts being about an ex, especially where there was marked unhealthiness, is IMO a gift, one I'm glad I received in life. It wasn't always that way though. Took a lot of living to get to that point.

[d0nnivain]

At a minimum moving on means you are no longer consumed by thoughts of an EX & the acute pain subsides: you can get out of bed & get through a dat without crying.

 

 

What the future holds is anybody's guess.

[Mysterio]

I had dinner with my ex. We are friends. For the first time. When we talked about her dating another guy and it not going well. I felt no attachment to her dating another man. Everyone else. I have had pangs of either envy or some sort of weird stomach ache over it.

 

I don't know why that is. I think its time that makes things go easy in terms of letting go of an ex. I want her to be happy. The only way I could get back with her is to go all in and have a kid with her. I don't think we are gelled enough to have a child and stay together.

 

I think that the woman I will end up being with long term will just drop into my lap and I have to wait.

[alphamale]

... why are people uncomfortable with old exes coming around ...

 

because our exes know too much about us

[somanymistakes]

I am trying to understand the concept of moving on. I know that you can no longer have romantic feelings for this person ever again? Or does it mean that someone no longer is feelings pain and can deal with it past baggage regardless of how they feel? If it is the first case, why are people uncomfortable with old exes coming around (if their current partner has moved on, then it shouldn't be a problem right?)

 

IMO it depends a lot on how you broke up and why.

 

If you parted ways because you honestly did not want to be with that person anymore, then you probably don't have a lot of romantic feelings left. So seeing an old ex is not necessarily a big deal. On the other hand if you have no feeling left why would you want to? This sort of thing happens most if people sincerely decided they were better as friends, or if they have a kid so they are required to stay in contact even though they have no interest in each other any more.

 

If the breakup was full of drama and you did NOT want the relationship to end, then you have to find some other coping mechanism to push those feelings away. Some people will deal with it by compartmentalizing, destroying all reminders of the relationship and trying to never think about them again. If you can manage to forget and put it out of your mind, it doesn't hurt! These people can be thrown for a loop by the ex showing up again sometime down the road, especially if the ex suddenly wants to apologise and hints at getting back together. In bad cases the relationship is like an addiction and any contact with the ex can trigger a relapse (read some of the threads in the OM/OW forum where people are trying and failing to maintain No Contact)

 

Even when people are burned out and don't want to be in a relationship together, the fact that they've been in a relationship sometimes means it's easy for them to cross intimacy boundaries and feel like it doesn't really count. it's surprising the number of people who sleep with their ex during and after the divorce.

[Chilli]

l think l'll always have those feelings an wonder what ifs .

For me it's sort of more about though excepting that it just won't work out and eventually they fade a bit and one day you feel ready to start a new.

Unless it turned into some hateful ugly thing, l think it's only natural to always have a little place in your heart for someone you loved and lived all that life with.

[SevenCity]

Accepting the current situation is over and getting through a day without crying is far from moving on. That’s just acceptance.

 

Moving on is when you have as much feeling for them as you do a stranger on the street. That nothing they do or say elicits an emotional response. Got married? Having a kid? Dead? Don’t care.

 

Moving on is indifference. The sad thing is some people never move on. Moving on doesn’t usually happen until you fall in love with somone better who has also fallen in love with you.

[stillafool]

Does moving on mean you can never ever have romantic feelings for that person ever again?

You can't help who you have feeling for whether you have moved on or not. Doesn't mean those feelings will ever be returned.

 

I am trying to understand the concept of moving on. I know that you can no longer have romantic feelings for this person ever again? Or does it mean that someone no longer is feelings pain and can deal with it past baggage regardless of how they feel? If it is the first case, why are people uncomfortable with old exes coming around (if their current partner has moved on, then it shouldn't be a problem right?)

Most people don't want to be around their exes because it makes their new mate uncomfortable. When I've moved on it means I am over it, I'm not angy or hurt, I'm just indifferent to them. Doesn't bother me to see them or be around them because I feel nothing. Edited December 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[JuneL]

Accepting the current situation is over and getting through a day without crying is far from moving on. That’s just acceptance.

 

Moving on is when you have as much feeling for them as you do a stranger on the street. That nothing they do or say elicits an emotional response. Got married? Having a kid? Dead? Don’t care.

 

Moving on is indifference. The sad thing is some people never move on. Moving on doesn’t usually happen until you fall in love with somone better who has also fallen in love with you.

 

I think indifference is the ultimate moving on (I would take out the "Dead? Don't care" bit, though).

 

It took me years to completely get over my first serious boyfriend. During those days I would think about him literally every day, even though I knew that we were not a good fit. I would never in a million years imagine I could become so indifferent about him one day. For me, it took falling in love with someone else again. However, it could be that I was ready to be totally over him, which allowed my heart to be completely open to someone else again.

[SevenCity]

I think indifference is the ultimate moving on (I would take out the "Dead? Don't care" bit, though).

 

It took me years to completely get over my first serious boyfriend. During those days I would think about him literally every day, even though I knew that we were not a good fit. I would never in a million years imagine I could become so indifferent about him one day. For me, it took falling in love with someone else again. However, it could be that I was ready to be totally over him, which allowed my heart to be completely open to someone else again.

 

What sucks about being human is the need for that connection. It’s like a drug addiction that is only satisfied with another drug.

 

When I talk about indifference it is from the perspective of a dumpee. I can honestly say, with the exception of my last ex, the few women I was in love with and dumped by mean nothing to me and I don’t know or care if they are alive or dead.

 

I can only hope I get to that point with my last ex without the need to fall in love with another one.

[JuneL]

What sucks about being human is the need for that connection. It’s like a drug addiction that is only satisfied with another drug.

 

When I talk about indifference it is from the perspective of a dumpee. I can honestly say, with the exception of my last ex, the few women I was in love with and dumped by mean nothing to me and I don’t know or care if they are alive or dead.

 

I can only hope I get to that point with my last ex without the need to fall in love with another one.

 

I felt like my heart was ripped apart when I knew he had a new girlfriend. Thankfully, he didn't get married (to another woman) until quite a few years later; otherwise, I would probably be hysterical or having a panic attack

[Gaeta]

When I talk about indifference it is from the perspective of a dumpee. I can honestly say, with the exception of my last ex, the few women I was in love with and dumped by mean nothing to me and I don’t know or care if they are alive or dead.

 

I also consider moving on as reaching a place of indifference. My place of indifference though is different than yours. I keep on caring but as a human being toward another human being. I would never reach a place to not care if they are dead. To me that's unhealthy and indicative you have not made peace. You are a stranger on the Internet to me and I care if you are alive so how can I not care at all about a man I spent years with. It's impossible. When my ex-h died we had been divorced for 12 years, I had not been in love with him for years and years still I was crushed by his death.

[d0nnivain]

Indifference to an extent. I never want to be the type of person who doesn't care if an EX dies. Granted some will cause more acute sorrow then the passing of others but to not care would be terrible.

 

 

One of my EXs died about 2 years after we broke up. I had just started dating DH; we'd only been together about a month. I was devastated at my EX's passing & totally heartbroken for his teenaged son. I fell in love with DH when he hugged me in my grief & said that he'd be more worried if I felt nothing for somebody I used to love & that he had big, broad shoulders I was free to cry all over.

[SevenCity]

I also consider moving on as reaching a place of indifference. My place of indifference though is different than yours. I keep on caring but as a human being toward another human being. I would never reach a place to not care if they are dead. To me that's unhealthy and indicative you have not made peace. You are a stranger on the Internet to me and I care if you are alive so how can I not care at all about a man I spent years with. It's impossible. When my ex-h died we had been divorced for 12 years, I had not been in love with him for years and years still I was crushed by his death.

 

I’m sure people aren’t as affected when they hear someone died on the news. That’s where I am. “oh that’s a shame”.

 

It’s got nothing to do with holding anger against them, I simply don’t have a recollection of them and they are a stranger to me.

 

Again, I speak from the place of being a dumpee, not falling out of love with someone and dumping them. For those situations I would not need to “get over” them.

 

To me, once I reach the point of indifference they are dead to me anyway. I don’t have a reaction at all. For all I know some of my exes can be dead but I have no desire to check on anyone. I simply don’t care.

 

Edited to add: it can take a long, long time to reach indifference but it is irreversible in my case once I get there.

[alphamale]

Indifference to an extent. I never want to be the type of person who doesn't care if an EX dies. Granted some will cause more acute sorrow then the passing of others but to not care would be terrible.

 

I have a couple of exes who I don't care if they are alive or dead. Rot in hell I say.

[Chilli]

yeah the indifference thing is the perfect description .

Getting there.

[edgygirl]

My experiences are generally as following:

 

- Good relationships that just didn't work > I feel affection for that person forever and can be good friends with them and maintain light contact once in a while. I will always feel some kind of "love" for them, even if it's not the "I need you" kind. It's more like the love you feel for family.

 

- Relationships where the guy ended up being a jerk or misleading me > I feel hurt for a good while, takes me forever to move on, until one day... I realize I don't care. Feeling indifference is the goal.

[HiCrunchy]

I’m sure people aren’t as affected when they hear someone died on the news. That’s where I am. “oh that’s a shame”.

 

It’s got nothing to do with holding anger against them, I simply don’t have a recollection of them and they are a stranger to me.

 

To me, once I reach the point of indifference they are dead to me anyway. I don’t have a reaction at all. For all I know some of my exes can be dead but I have no desire to check on anyone. I simply don’t care.

 

 

This makes the most sense. Why would someone cry tears over someone they have actively cut out of their life. If you are in complete no contact, they might as well be dead so why cry when they actually die....Why cry now?? Why be sad now?? It should be the same as hearing someone on the news, "what a shame"

[HiCrunchy]

I think indifference is the ultimate moving on (I would take out the "Dead? Don't care" bit, though).

 

I mean, to be honest why care if you are indifferent? Their death would just be a fleeting thought.

[HiCrunchy]

I also consider moving on as reaching a place of indifference. My place of indifference though is different than yours. I keep on caring but as a human being toward another human being. I would never reach a place to not care if they are dead. To me that's unhealthy and indicative you have not made peace. You are a stranger on the Internet to me and I care if you are alive so how can I not care at all about a man I spent years with. It's impossible. When my ex-h died we had been divorced for 12 years, I had not been in love with him for years and years still I was crushed by his death.

 

Indifference to an extent. I never want to be the type of person who doesn't care if an EX dies. Granted some will cause more acute sorrow then the passing of others but to not care would be terrible.

 

One of my EXs died about 2 years after we broke up. I had just started dating DH; we'd only been together about a month. I was devastated at my EX's passing & totally heartbroken for his teenaged son. I fell in love with DH when he hugged me in my grief & said that he'd be more worried if I felt nothing for somebody I used to love & that he had big, broad shoulders I was free to cry all over.

 

Could either of you elaborate on these reactions, because I am honestly confused. Why would death be any different than breaking up and never speaking to that person or knowing of that person again (unless you keep in touch regularly I guess). They are both just as permanent. What is there to be heartbroken about, that person was removed for your life a long time ago and both of you had moved on? Why not have the same reaction as hearing about someone on the news. If you think you care about the person, it is more likely that you are mourning the idea of that person, because you have been in no contact for so long that you no longer knew who they were.

Edited December 20, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[carhill]

The perception varies for different people and when I use the phrase 'back to the billions' regarding former spouses, partners, dates, friends, whatever, I mean they go back to being as significant as the billions of people who inhabit the planet and whom I'll never know nor care about, same as them for me. Equals.

 

I happened to find out this morning that someone I'd met, knew, admired and cared about as a fellow competitor had died Sunday. Sure, I had some fleeting thoughts of past experiences and sympathy for his family but it was transitory. We live, we die and those who remain go on and, if we're lucky we might live on in the memories of a few. For some, relationships are similar. They are born, live, and die and we grieve that death in our own way and go on and, for some, the memories and feelings fade. Others keep them alive in their mind and heart. Different paths, same as with life and death.

[JuneL]

For me personally, indifference means I don't feel heartbroken when I find out that he has a new girlfriend or that he is getting married; in fact, I can even be happy for him. Even though we may not be (actively) in touch, I'd still be very sad if something very bad happened to him. Before I reached the indifference stage, my emotions would be very unsettled whenever I heard/learned even something very minor about him.

 

I mean, to be honest why care if you are indifferent? Their death would just be a fleeting thought.

[Gaeta]

Could either of you elaborate on these reactions, because I am honestly confused. Why would death be any different than breaking up and never speaking to that person or knowing of that person again (unless you keep in touch regularly I guess). They are both just as permanent. What is there to be heartbroken about, that person was removed for your life a long time ago and both of you had moved on? Why not have the same reaction as hearing about someone on the news. If you think you care about the person, it is more likely that you are mourning the idea of that person, because you have been in no contact for so long that you no longer knew who they were.

 

Do we really have to explain this?

 

I was married 15 years with my ex-h and we have a daughter together. Even though our marriage ended in divorce it doesn't change the fact I have spend a huge chunk of my life with this man and he participated directly and indirectly into shaping the woman I am today. After our divorce I was capable of separating the good from the bad. I discarded the bad and built on the good, that's what allowed us to continue parenting our daughter with respect. If you do not cry the death of the father (or mother) of your child than you are failing to understand some great principals of life.

 

As for the other men that shared my life I would mourn them as well. The difference is they are NOT people on the news, they are men at some point in my life I was in love with, they're men I share unique memories with, and all participated in my happiness at some point in my life. I have learn about myself and about life with all of them...

 

Now I am talking about exs that have had a significant investment in my life, to me a man I dated 4 months is not an ex.

[HiCrunchy]

Do we really have to explain this?

 

I was married 15 years with my ex-h and we have a daughter together. Even though our marriage ended in divorce it doesn't change the fact I have spend a huge chunk of my life with this man and he participated directly and indirectly into shaping the woman I am today. After our divorce I was capable of separating the good from the bad. I discarded the bad and built on the good, that's what allowed us to continue parenting our daughter with respect. If you do not cry the death of the father (or mother) of your child than you are failing to understand some great principals of life.

 

As for the other men that shared my life I would mourn them as well. The difference is they are NOT people on the news, they are men at some point in my life I was in love with, they're men I share unique memories with, and all participated in my happiness at some point in my life. I have learn about myself and about life with all of them...

 

Now I am talking about exs that have had a significant investment in my life, to me a man I dated 4 months is not an ex.

 

I just wanted this question answered.

 

Why would death be any different than breaking up and never speaking to that person or knowing of that person again (unless you keep in touch regularly I guess). They are both just as permanent.

 

One poster said, yeah he didn't care if his exes died and that makes sense if you think of these two things as being the same thing. But if they aren't, then there has to be an explanation as to how they are different.

 

What is the difference? Truly... No need to get all emotional.

But I do not think you know why you feel these two things to be different, and that's okay. Relationships are about feelings after all....I do not mean that in a bad way, it just is what it is. If you want to mourn someone, you are free to and you don't have to know why.

Its okay not to know why.

 

Principles of life aren't set in stone (and as I have mentioned before are distractions/coping mechanisms in my opinion). They defer from person to person and can be argued but that is a different conversation all together.