3 years of waiting...for nothing

[Origin]

Origin,

 

I am constantly saying to myself nowadays...."SHOULDA SEEN THAT". Yes, I should have seen many things but I didn't. Just like many others here. It is hateful to have somebody rubbing salt into an already bleeding wound.

 

It has taken me almost 9 years to get the big picture of what happened with xMM. I am a very intelligent successful woman, who met the wrong person at the worst time in my entire life. He never let go... isolated me, and controlled me (and I suspect his wife) with the love bombing and constant attention

I feel as though my whole being has been destroyed by the A and it needs a complete makeover.

 

The disbelief is called cognitive dissonance. It is the most difficult thing to come to terms with. It is my opinion that there is a long battle ahead for many of us here.

 

Poppy

 

Yup I agree and thanks for posting about Cognitive dissonance. I have been researching it for a while now. I found out what it is but thanks for posting as it may help somebody else and it will certainly help the OP because the anger and feeling of betrayal will turn into CD, especially when he reaches out again and starts with love bombing(while still with the “new girl”).

[wmacbride]

Origin,

 

I am constantly saying to myself nowadays...."SHOULDA SEEN THAT". Yes, I should have seen many things but I didn't. Just like many others here. It is hateful to have somebody rubbing salt into an already bleeding wound.

 

It has taken me almost 9 years to get the big picture of what happened with xMM. I am a very intelligent successful woman, who met the wrong person at the worst time in my entire life. He never let go... isolated me, and controlled me (and I suspect his wife) with the love bombing and constant attention

I feel as though my whole being has been destroyed by the A and it needs a complete makeover.

 

The disbelief is called cognitive dissonance. It is the most difficult thing to come to terms with. It is my opinion that there is a long battle ahead for many of us here.

 

Poppy

 

It's also a very human trait to see only the good in the person we love. we may pay lip service to recognizing their faults, but we still keep seeing the good.

 

It's also very human to blame ourselves when a relationship doesn't work the way we want it to. like I said before, it's so easy to get on that treadmill, and when you are chasing the proverbial carrot on a stick,it's so easy to lose sight that you are on that treadmill, running hundreds of km but going nowhere.

[OpenBook]

It has taken me almost 9 years to get the big picture of what happened with xMM. I am a very intelligent successful woman, who met the wrong person at the worst time in my entire life. He never let go... isolated me, and controlled me (and I suspect his wife) with the love bombing and constant attention

I feel as though my whole being has been destroyed by the A and it needs a complete makeover.

 

No no no, he hasn't taken anything away from your fabulous self that you didn't already have. You just need to get back to yourself - reclaim your soul, is the closest way I can describe it. It took me years to get over mine too. This is coming from The School of Hard Knocks - I lost myself in him and had to learn the hard way to stop stop stop doing that! For anyone! For me, it was a process of getting to know myself again, without any outside influences. This is who I am, and this is where I stand. It's a process. And more than worth the effort.

[Poppy47]

No no no, he hasn't taken anything away from your fabulous self that you didn't already have. You just need to get back to yourself - reclaim your soul, is the closest way I can describe it. It took me years to get over mine too. This is coming from The School of Hard Knocks - I lost myself in him and had to learn the hard way to stop stop stop doing that! For anyone! For me, it was a process of getting to know myself again, without any outside influences. This is who I am, and this is where I stand. It's a process. And more than worth the effort.

Thank you OpenBook.

You expressed that very well. I have forgotten a lot of what I was like before MM all those years ago.

 

From memory, it seems that I was more carefree and less anxious about life in general. Lots to work on.

Poppy,

[Vivir]

Just wanted to duck in and thank Origin for that analysis...

 

Thank you Origin.

 

One day (rather recently) I was thinking to myself... I was so glad I didn't have a gun in the house. The thought was so easy it was scary.

 

Really appreciated that analysis, Origin... Thanks.

[Origin]

Just wanted to duck in and thank Origin for that analysis...

 

Thank you Origin.

 

One day (rather recently) I was thinking to myself... I was so glad I didn't have a gun in the house. The thought was so easy it was scary.

 

Really appreciated that analysis, Origin... Thanks.

 

Well i appreciate the kind words and i wish i could say that its all "analysis" but unfortunately its a hard learned lesson.

 

Yes the gun situation was scary. It wasn't scary because i was thinking about doing it but because i was thinking to myself how easy it would be.

 

So OP....Everything i write is from personal experience but i am fairly sure this will happen to you also.

 

Your ex-MM will not leave you alone for one simple reason. He's not "normal" in a sense how most people are "normal". I know i already told you to research Narcissism and BPD as i am fairly sure he falls into one of those categories.

 

Below will most likely happen so i hope you can prepare yourself.

 

Regardless if he is a Narcissist or if he has BPD you will be contacted down the road, probably 4-5 months, maybe even sooner. You see, if he has BPD he will down the road feel guilty...but you need to understand(which took me forever to learn) that he doesn't feel guilty for what happened and wants to make it better for you by being with you all off a sudden. He's feeling guilty because he knows what he did was f-ed up(if he has bpd. if he's a narcissist than he's just a prick as they have NO empathy whatsoever). And that's it....you see he will try to do EVERYTHING in his power to try and get you to be friends, offering to meet for drinks and dinner, maybe even movies. He will want to create this atmosphere with you where you two are "buddies" so you can forgive him....in order for him not to feel guilty and so he can be in peace while dating the new girl. I promise you that will happen so when he contacts you, and he will, he will start saying stuff like:

 

- its so hard for him because of what happened

- he is sorry and hope you can forgive him because he knew he couldn't be with you at this moment due to so much hurt

- he thinks of you

- he hopes you're happy with somebody else (false, all your love in his eyes is exclusive only to him) also he will say this to test the waters and see if you're single or not...VERY weird but they almost don't want you to date,(I'll explain this later in a different post, but remind me if you don't see me write about it) but they still wanna know if you're single or not

- he hopes you find peace and happiness

- he hopes that you and he can heal and learn from this

- that he only remembers good times with you

- there are days he just wants to say F'it with all and just call you and see if you wanna try it one more time out of the blue

- that he hopes you can find your happiness(yup i said it twice because it will be repeated A LOT)

- that he hates his wife so much and is so grateful you were there for him

- he will always remember you in a nice way(this is usually the last thing they say and you need to really open your eyes here...in other words he is trying to say "i hope YOU will always remember the good times between us, not the bad ones". This is dangerous because he is tricking you into only remembering him in nice ways also, and is almost installing and programing you all over again.

 

The list will go on and on until you crack and start talking more and more.

 

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE be so very careful of this and don't mistake his contact and his WORDS as a sign for him wanting to reconciliate with you....again he wont. The actions and words will be VERY similar to the actions and words you experienced during your roller coaster drama when he was with his wife, so its easy to mistake those words and actions as a sign that they want to reconciliate, be with you and possibly start something again. The thing is he doesn't want to...i know its hard to read this but its the truth and you better believe it. Be careful of this time period in your life because this is the time where you will bargain with your brain and convince yourself that MAYBE there is still a slim chance...ughhh sorry but...unless you start thinking in reality instead of fantasy, you'll be in a world of shock and pain. I'm sorry but he only wants to feel better inside for himself, so he can have a better relationship with his current "new" partner.

 

The thing is, during the initial contact you will BLOW UP on him due to all the anger. Over time you will calm down and then that's when he will start making you feel bad for being mad at him because in his mind he doesn't understand WHY ARE YOU MAD(you can confirm this via your email, he already thinks that way). He really thinks what happened is totally OK and he didn't do anything wrong.

 

As you continue to talk more and more arguing over who did who wrong more(in his eyes he didn't do anything wrong) over time you will open up your feelings for him again because you DO love him. Your brain will trick you into talking to him to see if you two should maybe try and work it out...the things is...he will say NO or he will just probably pull back all of a sudden and start being a little distant. That will hit hard when you realize that the new girl is now officially more important than you, that he doesn't wanna risk her over you and he's NOT interested in a loving relationship with you but just friendship because...well the loving relationship...he already has that...its hard reading this...i know, and I'm so very sorry. This is such a mind f**ck because up to this point they will be bombarding you with all those sweet comments that i wrote to you above, and then when you open up you'll get shot down.

 

I'm gonna repeat it again because it nearly cost me my life...this time period is very dangerous for you. I say that because personally, in April, i discovered the 3rd guy in my situation. She tried talking to me in June(huge fights and arguing), July(same as June) and August(me calming down from being hurt and opening up). In August i almost committed suicide when i realized how little i actually mean to her that even this new person now is more important than what i thought we "had".

 

His goal is to have you as a friend, so YOU can forgive, so HE feels less guilty in his current relationship...please don't fall for this. You have to realize that the new contact is again about him and not you and you guys being together. Also...I've seen stories on here where people start being friends and then AGAIN end up having sex and AGAIN end up being the "other woman"......please don't fall for that.

 

I understand what i wrote above is hard to process, even accept that it will happen because i know you don't think he's that kind of a person but...did you ever think he would find a 3rd person? I bet you didn't so you than better keep an open mind to what i wrote above. I know you think you know HIM but...even he doesn't know himself, let alone you.

 

The best thing to do is NC and also incorporate the advanced version of NC.

 

You have your standard version here and a more advanced one that should probably be a part of that thread.

 

Advanced:

 

-Social media - no posts direct or indirect about him, about your broken heart, no love quotes, no heartbreak songs, no public posts that are directed at him. REASON? When you do that you're subconsciously breaking NC since that message is directed at him after all. You are breaking NC since you're forcing your brain to think about him, or i should say you're using extra energy on negativity that will just bring you down

 

-If you blocked him, leave him blocked, don't do any games of unblocking(so he can see) and then blocking him again to get a reaction from him...again that's not NC

 

-Don't do anything that you know will trigger him and contact you or set him off, again, it will break NC subconsciously

 

 

The thing is you have to stop completely on all levels and get that toxic person out of your life.

 

 

It is so incredibly important you don't break NC(like i did) because you aren't equipped for that battle. He will destroy you if he gets a chance or if he senses that you don't wanna be friends.

 

I'll give you a quick example. My "ex" although I'm not sure what to call her exactly, loves to travel and we always talked about traveling(took few trips). We always talked about visiting NY for NYE. Anyways, we still work together and i finally had to get though on her so she can leave me alone.

 

This is her email to me after i told her to leave me alone because she is forcing a conversation on me and its giving me great anxiety. So i emailed how about it and told her that due to our past i just cant handle it on ANY level:

 

Her first email

 

That really hurt my heart Sonny. I left work yesterday thinking it was really good to see you. I’m devastated and really heartbroken that you had the opposite experience. I’m also very offended because I felt I remained as professional as possible yesterday. You treat me very poorly but I try to be understanding and I do not reach out otherwise. I am really sorry you feel that way towards me. I did not mean to make you feel like that at all and I was very unaware. I can’t apologize enough. I’m a little embarrassed by all of this.

 

To be completely honest with you Sonny, I didn’t sleep much last night because all I could do is think about you. I was very lucky to have you come into my life. You were a blessing and a saving grace to my life. I am extremely grateful for that and for you. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for everything. I genuinely feel for you and hope you are doing well. Seems like you are. I am happy for that.

 

I will do what you are asking me to do. I won’t reach out and If it makes you feel better, I wont say Hi anymore either. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I’m close to tears because I really feel horrible. I am very sorry I made you feel that way yesterday

2nd email

 

It is crazy how opposite we feel in this moment. I almost reached out to you and said I really hope you’re doing well inside and outside of work but then I decided that would be crossing your boundaries and I did not want to upset you. Little did I know I already did so. Regardless of our past Sonny, I will always care for you.

 

I am sorry for yesterday. It will not happen again .

 

3rd email after realizing I'm not the same guy anymore

 

Oh wow. I think it’s best we don’t communicate anymore.. ever.

 

I don’t know why I open up to you or why I’m ever honest with you. It just hurts later. I’m still a fool for you..

 

Whatever I’m not ashamed. That Sam Smith Song.. actually the whole album.. yeah right back at you buddy. And the anxiety.. I know the feeling.

 

Enjoy life Sonny! Hope it’s kind to you.

 

P.s. wish you were coming to New York! Xo

 

 

 

As you can see she pulled the ultimate weapon in the end to really try and stab me in the heart and mention NY, a place where we talked about going. She never mentions "the other guy...HAH sike:D:D" but i know better with whom she's going there with.

 

 

Be careful please...or you could get hurt really really really bad.

 

 

 

 

Cognitive dissonance will be your biggest obstacle due to conflicting feelings, memories(which he will try to trigger, but the good ones), and then the reality setting in at the end. Don't try and be friends...because of his actions you wont be able to handle it, its too much pain. You will feel so good/happy/smiling in one second because you talked and then when he walks away, and drives away from you....it will hit you...again...that he is driving home to another woman....i know you know that feeling when he drove home to ex...this time however...he's going to the 3rd woman...don't put yourself there again because this time it will hurt more, way more...trust me.

 

 

 

Sooo its currently 2:53am and i have been writing this thing for almost 3h solid. I need a break. Happy holidays to all, keep your head up, keep posting and we will keep supporting you.:)

Edited December 23, 2017 by Origin

[Origin]

^^^^ dammm that’s a long post lol. I might get banned because of it. :D:D:D

[sandylee1]

Forgetting for a moment that this is/was an affair, whether male or female....none of us should put ourselves in the position of waiting for another.

 

I think it just gives the other person too much power on the relationship.

 

Even for the nicest of people...if a man was waiting around for me...while I faffed about and decided if I would be in a relationship with him...it would likely go to my head and I may well use that to my advavtage. I think that's human nature tbf. Being on top is better than being the submissive weaker one.

 

The emotions of love can be so strong for some people. You literally feel like you'd do anything for the one you love.

 

I know this guy, who happily accepted a kidney from his GF, but didn't even want the commitment of marriage.

I felt so sorry for her.

 

Clearly the love wasn't equal...and 3 years later he ended the relationship and moved on with another woman in a heartbeat..

 

I'm not saying he should have stayed with her if he didn't want to..... but giving a kidney to a boyfriend..showed she was way more invested.

 

Let all relationships be equal.

 

OP....I know this is a difficult time....but life is too short for regrets.... I don't know your age....but I'm sure you have many many years left to move on and put this down to experience.

 

I have lots that I've done and regretted in relationships....but don't let this define you as a person.... He can F**k off and you can meet a guy without the baggage of an Ex wife and kids.

 

When I see the stress, manipulation and headache some ex wives give and cause.... you just don't need that in your life.

 

Let 2018 be when you wash him out of your life for good.

[What_Did_I_Do]

This is an excellent thread.

 

Origin, those emails from xmw are the exact form of manipulation delivered by our AP's. When we pull away, they lay it on so thick it messes with your brain. And the longer the A, the more it mucks with your mind.

 

Xmm begged me to wait for him to leave his M. He assured me he was leaving, just needed to be on his time. I'd ask how much longer do I wait. Well of course he didn't have an answer then would blow up at me that I was forcing an ultimatum on him. See how twisted this is? But when you're in the thick of it all, you can't see the logic. They would hold on to us forever as their side piece, assuming they don't get busted in a D-Day.

[lookingforclosure]

I've had some really hard days...days I haven't wanted to get out of bed

 

This has totally crushed me..and here at Christmas. He is all happy with his new woman and I sit and cry wondering why I wasn't given the opportunity. Yes it's crazy, but I never lost my feelings for him. Why else would I have held on so long.

 

I wish I had sat on my feelings and composed a different response to him than I did...asking all the questions that have swirled in my mind these last couple of days.

 

Or maybe just not reacted and acted as I didn't know about the new woman..see if he would've ever actually had the talk with me as he mentioned to my friend. I will never know

[Minnie09]

Lookingforclosure,

 

What’s done is done. You can’t change what was said. Try to let it go.

Over the holidays - will you be with friends and/or family?

I hope you will have somebody around you who will make you feel loved/important/special/wanted, who makes you a priority during those Christmas and New Years days...... maybe you even have somebody that you can talk things through with. It may help.

[Origin]

I've had some really hard days...days I haven't wanted to get out of bed

 

This has totally crushed me..and here at Christmas. He is all happy with his new woman and I sit and cry wondering why I wasn't given the opportunity. Yes it's crazy, but I never lost my feelings for him. Why else would I have held on so long.

 

I wish I had sat on my feelings and composed a different response to him than I did...asking all the questions that have swirled in my mind these last couple of days.

 

Or maybe just not reacted and acted as I didn't know about the new woman..see if he would've ever actually had the talk with me as he mentioned to my friend. I will never know

 

Over time this part will be the one to mess with you the most. It will take some time to heal. Keep posting and keep talking to people.

[Poppy47]

Don't bother asking questions. You will never get an honest reply.

 

Waste of time.

 

Poppy.

[lookingforclosure]

I know you're probably right Poppy47

 

I just hate I wasn't worth and actual conversation..I had to call him out on it vis a text message, I did actually try to call him but of course he didn't have the balls to answer. He just took the easy way out, hiding behind a device.

 

I've been married and when I wanted to end things and separate and divorce I actually had a face to face conversation. I would never end things with someone over a text message. But i'm told I can't expect out of others what I would do

[Poppy47]

I know you're probably right Poppy47

 

I just hate I wasn't worth and actual conversation..I had to call him out on it vis a text message, I did actually try to call him but of course he didn't have the balls to answer. He just took the easy way out, hiding behind a device.

 

I've been married and when I wanted to end things and separate and divorce I actually had a face to face conversation. I would never end things with someone over a text message. But i'm told I can't expect out of others what I would do

 

YOu cannot expect everyone to be like you. Perhaps you should learn to look after your own best interests and not worry about hurting other people's sensibilities. Men like the MM you are dealing with don't care anyway.

 

As for calling him out on anything... why bother? You will never fix him and for the second time in this post, I am saying to you, he doesn't care what you think.

 

If he cared, he would be respecting you with love.

 

Poppy.

[Origin]

Hi,

 

How are you holding up?

[lookingforclosure]

Well I've made it through Christmas...nothing from exMM

And I haven't sent him anything either...I finally have had one cry free day

 

Now to New Years...New Years is tough for me because the last New Years we were to spend together...2015, he got angry I wasn't to be home at !2...I was working and had to clean up. He turned around and went back home saying "there's a reason we aren't together for the New Year" "you won't interfere with me trying to get my old life back" and blocked me so I couldn't even wish him at 12. Blocked me on FB and didn't speak to me for a week

 

Until he read my email...3 weeks later and came back

 

I was home at 12:20

 

Thanks for letting me put that out there...I needed to write it out

[grassisorisntgreener]

Well I've made it through Christmas...nothing from exMM

And I haven't sent him anything either...I finally have had one cry free day

 

Now to New Years...New Years is tough for me because the last New Years we were to spend together...2015, he got angry I wasn't to be home at !2...I was working and had to clean up. He turned around and went back home saying "there's a reason we aren't together for the New Year" "you won't interfere with me trying to get my old life back" and blocked me so I couldn't even wish him at 12. Blocked me on FB and didn't speak to me for a week

 

Until he read my email...3 weeks later and came back

 

I was home at 12:20

 

Thanks for letting me put that out there...I needed to write it out

 

He just wanted to make you feel bad because he knows he is the one who couldn't make a real relationship happen. Eff this guy.

[Origin]

Well I've made it through Christmas...nothing from exMM

And I haven't sent him anything either...I finally have had one cry free day

 

Now to New Years...New Years is tough for me because the last New Years we were to spend together...2015, he got angry I wasn't to be home at !2...I was working and had to clean up. He turned around and went back home saying "there's a reason we aren't together for the New Year" "you won't interfere with me trying to get my old life back" and blocked me so I couldn't even wish him at 12. Blocked me on FB and didn't speak to me for a week

 

Until he read my email...3 weeks later and came back

 

I was home at 12:20

 

Thanks for letting me put that out there...I needed to write it out

 

Wow...this guy is sick. He did that just to flip it around on you and make it your fault, make you feel guilty and want him even more. This guy is something else. This is another example of him trying to make himself into a victim, as if you’re manipulating him or something(in his eyes).

 

You’re lucky you didn’t end up with this guy. You don’t see it now but you will. You didn’t dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear bomb.

[anika99]

Well I've made it through Christmas...nothing from exMM

And I haven't sent him anything either...I finally have had one cry free day

 

Now to New Years...New Years is tough for me because the last New Years we were to spend together...2015, he got angry I wasn't to be home at !2...I was working and had to clean up. He turned around and went back home saying "there's a reason we aren't together for the New Year" "you won't interfere with me trying to get my old life back" and blocked me so I couldn't even wish him at 12. Blocked me on FB and didn't speak to me for a week

 

Until he read my email...3 weeks later and came back

 

I was home at 12:20

 

Thanks for letting me put that out there...I needed to write it out

 

Well that should make New Years easier for you. He was a jerk on New Years before. You have no warm fuzzy memories of him and New Years to drag you down and make you miss him. When you think of how horrible he treated you on New Years in 2015 then you can be thankful that you're not going to be treated so poorly this New Years.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Wow...this guy is sick. He did that just to flip it around on you and make it your fault, make you feel guilty and want him even more. This guy is something else. This is another example of him trying to make himself into a victim, as if you’re manipulating him or something(in his eyes).

 

You’re lucky you didn’t end up with this guy. You don’t see it now but you will. You didn’t dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear bomb.

 

 

Origin is dead on. That's exactly how my xmm worked. He was the poor victim and I was the evil wrong-doer. Can you imagine living each day with them walking on eggshells? No thanks. He used to block me and never answer my calls or respond to texts when I 'crossed the line'. NC to teach me a lesson! Gawd....

 

2018 is our year to be free of these chains (ermm....that we built out of molten steel and other binding materials).

[goldengirl11]

OP - I just want to send you my utmost sympathy, as I have been in a very similar situation myself over the past few years and, am still very heartbroken myself. Also, my exMM heavenly moved out for a few weeks, to tell never was in a new relationship with someone else!! To add a nail coffin, he denied we were in a relationship and that he was seeing anyone shortly before!

You were very brave not to contact yours over Xmas, as I gave in early Boxing day! To get a just few words as a reply, thanking me. Not surprisingly, not asking how mine was either or a kiss at the end. Obviously I need to try and let go, as being friends is just not worth it!

Wishing you a happy 2018!

[road]

I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated

He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.

He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

 

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

 

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

 

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

 

I feel sick

 

Typical man-hoe, he wants all the hot side sex he can get

from women. Though none of those cheating women are not

good enough for him to marry.

[Daisy2013]

Wow...this guy is sick. He did that just to flip it around on you and make it your fault, make you feel guilty and want him even more. This guy is something else. This is another example of him trying to make himself into a victim, as if you’re manipulating him or something(in his eyes).

 

You’re lucky you didn’t end up with this guy. You don’t see it now but you will. You didn’t dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear bomb.

 

Yep, victims! A lot of these guys (and at times women, not picking on me), play victim. Mine used to tell me how much God was convicting him and when I'd ask what did one week to the next mean - when he wasn't feeling convicted - he'd say it was because he was ignoring God at that moment, be all cold, and walk away. Saying I must not understand him. Then the next week, show up with glowing eyes and a bright simile saying how much he loved me, and wanted to be with me

 

OP, your guy turned it on you to find a reason to not talk to you. Weak. I wish you much happiness in 2018 and hope you can forget him! You deserve better!

[lookingforclosure]

yes Daisy...turned that on me...turned the last 3 years on me, my fault for sticking around waiting on him...my fault I knew the risk

 

Yes I know that all too well...but dang it, maybe one day he will take some responsibility for HIS actions too