Raped and Dumped

[Emma]

I was raped 2 years ago and although I've tried, I can't get over it. I really want to have a romantic relationship with someone, but the thought of having sex is enough to make me sick at the moment. I don't know how or when (or if!) I will ever feel differently. I was in a brief relationship with a great guy last year and when he wanted to take it further I explained to him why I was reluctant. He never called me again. Should I not have told him the truth? Was it a turn off? I was just trying to help him understand... Now I am consumed by loneliness.

[Dave]

You need to see a psychotherapost or better yet a sex therapist. THis can be taken care of. You are afraid of sex, but a good psychotherapist will help you to chance your attitide, they work on a subconscious level. As long as you keep associating sex with fear and pain, you will never like it. However, once it is done in a loving atmosphere, your brain will register a pleasant experience and form then on, you will look forward to it with a positive outlook. As of now, you are afraid. Get help!

I was raped 2 years ago and although I've tried, I can't get over it. I really want to have a romantic relationship with someone, but the thought of having sex is enough to make me sick at the moment. I don't know how or when (or if!) I will ever feel differently. I was in a brief relationship with a great guy last year and when he wanted to take it further I explained to him why I was reluctant. He never called me again. Should I not have told him the truth? Was it a turn off? I was just trying to help him understand... Now I am consumed by loneliness.

[Tony T]

There aren't a lot of people, especially men, who are mature enough to be able to deal with what happened to you. It may be better for you to continue your healing process and not mention this to anyone. It's in your past and not necessary to bring up now.

 

A rape is the most traumatic assault any human can endure. Unlike murder, it is tortuous and you live through it. The trauma, emotion, and horror remain a very long time. Most women require extensive psychotherapy in order to move past it...but most are able to fully heal and resume normal lives.

 

It takes time to heal from this but you have to take a very proactive part in the process. It's not just something that happens overnight. Have patience with yourself. Yes, it's a lonely experience. Talking about it with just anybody is hazardous. If you've been around this forum very long, you will understand that many men have lots of problems with ladies past sexual experiences. I suppose for most immature men, a rape would be impossible for them to deal with...and you would be surprised at how many immature men there are.

 

Your self esteem is probably at an all time low. I would hope you would at least invest in a few therapy sessions to see what areas you need to work on. Certainly, building back your self esteem and self image is a good place to start. Another part of the healing process is forgiving your assailant. Harbouring anger and resentment is not productive in getting you past these emotions and on to a more healthy, fulfillng life.

 

What you went through was horrifying and it says a lot about you that you have been able to get to this point. Give yourself a lot of credit.

 

It does take time but one day you will enjoy all the benefits of a relationship. Just go one day at a time.

[Rogue]

Maybe your best bet is to find a support group of some kind. I'm sure you're not the first person to have this sort of problem, others must have dealt with it too. Perhaps you can learn from them? Maybe you can do an online search, there must be an internet site that gives support for this. You can even remain anonymous if you like. If you want, I can try to find such a site for you.

[Taressa]

Hi Emma,

 

I've been through it. Also two years ago.

 

Yes, a good psychiatrist did prove helpful to me, mostly because she was the first to keep hammering me with the truth that it was a violent act against me for which I carried no fault. It wasn't sex or making love, it was a selfish act done to me by someone I had placed my trust in.

 

It's just going to take you some time, some understanding support from close friends, and a great deal of willpower on your part. Although you were victimized you don't have to keep choosing to play the part of the victim. You can make your life better and stronger than you ever dreamed of before. Take whatever lessons you can draw about mis-trust or carelessness but don't hold onto any self-blame.

 

As to your aversion to sex, it's just a natural part of the healing process you're going through. It was used as a weapon against you so it takes time to find comfort and enjoyment in the act of making love again. You will also find you will become much wiser in differentiating between sex and making love. Any choice you make right now as to making love or not making love is not to be blamed on the rape but is merely you expressing control over your choices and your body. Cherish your right and your ability to do so.

 

You did nothing wrong by telling the truth to the man who expressed interest in you. And if he could not love you intimately and unselfishly enough to patiently work through the issues remaining from the rape, it wasn't truly love he was offering you.

 

Until you've rebuilt your self-esteem, confidence, and trust you will really be best off concentrating on building friendships or in spending time with your time-proven friends. Their truthfulness and love will be the best of tools. If your work affords you a visit to the psychiatrist it could also prove helpful to you.

 

You are worth loving and worth waiting for. Wait for and work for the best in your life and in your romantic relationships.

 

Standing stronger and happier than ever,

 

Taressa