fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 I don't normally "get" women...but tell me what's happening/happened here. Two weeks ago on a monday night...all is well in the world. The following tuesday...all is hell in the world. Tuesday my wife decided to tell me that she had fun at a party b/c "you weren't there." She also says she's not sexually attracted to me, and she says that she's not happy with me. My world is immediately crushed. So I get home (I was on a business trip...yes she told this to me on the phone) and life is so weird...we talk for an hour or two and I call up a marriage counselor, and set the appt for the next day. We went the next day, and talked, and decided that we should work on our marriage, and that she shouldn't just up and leave (like she planned). So the next day...she decides she doesn't want to work on it, and she's ready to leave. We even go so far as to seperate our stuff. Then I talked her into one more week to try things out. I am in that week right now...(had another business trip in the middle of that story). She and I went to dinner, and went to a movie, all seemed ok. But she decided to tell me that it felt wrong when I would touch her leg...or any kind of touching. She finally put it all out there last night, and told me that when she was at the party some guy was hitting on her and giving her a massage, and she wanted to cheat...but she apparantly didn't. Also, my best friend felt it appropriate to tell her that he had a sex dream about her... It all started when I went to Iraq for 5 months. I get back and everything is weird. But can someone tell me what's going on in her head? Why would she have decided that I'm not sexually attractive, after 1.5 years of happy marriage, and 2.5 years of being together. What made her flip on me like this? IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Any advice would be appreciative, seeing how I am clueless as to what's happening to her. She is 27 years old (if that makes any difference) and we don't have any kids. ~lost. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 I hate to say this, but sounds like shes got someone on the side. I'm not saying this is the case, nor am I trying to fill your head with something that may not even be there for sure, just saying thats what it sounds like. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Thats the first thing I thought too. But that's just not her...but what I am getting right now isn't her either. I'm really confused about the whole thing. She has no way to make money...how is she going to live by herself...especially off of 20,000 a year with no insurance. How can I make her attracted to me again.... it's only been 1.5 years of marriage!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by fubarman But that's just not her... Don't be blinded by love .. You are finding excuses for it to not be someone else. I agree with the other poster that she has someone else. Talk to her about it in MC Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 I know you're hurting and I'm so sorry this is happening. It might be too that even if she does have another, it might not be a phyiscal thing but more of an emotional thing. Either way one is about as bad as the other. Sounds like you have picked up on many clues that something isn't right. What about any other things? Have you noticed she stays gone more? Any weird numbers on the house/cell bill? Does she seem overly secreative about anything? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Because I've been in your wife's shoes, I say she's cheating. It does things to you- it's like a drug of some sort. I'm the least likely person you would have thought would cheat. I attended church and was very active, in fact, many couples in the church looked to my marriage as a perfect one. No one knew that my husband neglected me and didn't spend any time working on our relationship. Still, I thought I'd never cheat but I did. Cheaters will lie and cover up until they just can't anymore. I'm not proud of what I did. Don't be in denial. Check her cell phone records and your computer records immediately. She is not thinking right now, the only thing she is thinking of is the high she is getting from this relationship. I think it's probably went further than she will say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 Not really...even if she has/is cheating on me...how do I mke her attracted to me again? I just feel like I'm ready to have kids...not start over. I love her so much, and to get this kind of stuff from her...its like its not her. I don't understand it. I know her cheating on me seems like the obvious answer...but why would she say the things she said...why would she have basically been mean to me? If I cheated on her...I would be sympathetic...I would say I'm sorry...I wouldn't say "I realized that I was having fun, and it was because you weren't there" "I'm not sexually attracted to you any more...it's just not there" .... there's more...but this kind of rejection is something i've never had in my life, and I feel like i've been kicked in the chest. WTF is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 "WTF is going on." We have told you what we think is going on hun. Since you all are in counseling, maybe the next time you're there, point blank ask her if theres someone else. Pay attention to her reaction. With a counselor already present they can probably tell to if she may or may not be lying about it. If you don't want to ask her during counsleing then ask her on your own. It may be thought that if she is, chances are she probably wont come clean with it and if she suspects you know she may just get better at hiding it. If you want to try to save your marriage first you're gonna have to get to the bottom of whats going on before you can preceed with fixing it. If you want too but she doesn't then theres not alot you can do. Sounds like shes very confused right now. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 He asked her last session...she said no. I asked her before the session...she said no. If she did...i'm not interested in working on the relationship anymore. Think I should tell her that...maybe then she'd spill the beans? God the thought of her doing that makes me insane...I think I could hurt someone. Mebbe I should tell the counselor that. I don't think I would do anything stupid...but every time I think about what might have gone down...i feel a scary rage that I haven't felt in a long time. what is happeneing?~! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 pls don't respond to that last part...i'm not an idiot (cept in relationships)...and I won't do anything crazy... to be real...I've never had emotions like this...we got married too soon... i was going to iraq so we just did it. i am now 24...she is 27.... how can i get her to admit what she's done? ~thanks for everyone's help...i feel like such a kid with my crazy emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 I understand you're upset but don't do anything foolish, especailly until you have the facts about what may or may not be happening. Chances are if she is, shes gonna deny it. I would keep an eye opened as to any other unusal things that may be happening. Check phone bills, to see if theres any strange numbers. How often called/received etc. Any hang ups or alot of wrong numbers. How often or how long shes gone somewhere. I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around, and if she is infact doing something she shouldn't be, even if she doesn't admit to it, it will adventaully come out. Hang in there. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 She finally put it all out there last night When it comes to affairs, the first truth is NEVER the whole truth if the affair is still active. Its only enough of it that is necessarily given up, but won't threaten the state of the affair. To give up the whole truth, is to expose the affair - and someone actively involved in one, and who wants to continue it will fight tooth and nail to protect that affair from a possible ending brought about by full exposure and disclosure. how can i get her to admit what she's done? She won't, until you present her with irrefutable solid evidence of it. As long as there are things you don't know, she will exploit those seeds of doubt and use them to gaslight you with. She is protecting her affair from you, and as long as she is doing this and continuing to see this other guy - your marriage has no chance, counseling or not. Time for a lawyer, and a PI. Hire a PI, and let him/her take over from here. An unbiased person, with a lot of experience with these sorts of things will be able to dig through and find things that a biased person might be more likely to overlook or try to explain away. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Two years together and she is not interested in you anymore. Sounds to me like it's over. She either slept with someone or wants to. But the desire for him is because she doesn't love you. I don't believe that MC will help you long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 she said she wanted to cheat on me at that party...but...she also says she loves me...shes just not attracted to me. We both have had flaws in this marriage...onlything is ...my flaws have been/is being fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Sorry, I don't like when people talk about their SO's mistakes/flaws/deeds, but refuse to talk about their own. Love is not a one-way street. If your wife had reasons to not be attracted to you then you better tell us. Otherwise we'll just assume that she doesn't love you or is a bitch. I suppose you don't want any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 You already know what's going on. You just don't want it to be the truth. One thing you said that's alarming though - DO NOT HAVE KIDS NOW!!!!! You will not create an instant happy family - you will create a domestic hostage situation. Children do not fix problems, they intensify them & make completely new problems. They are little humans, not relationship epoxy. It sounds like she's been pretty clear in her feelings to you. She doesn't want you anymore. She hasn't been kind or loyal - but she has been honest. (at least about her feelings) You should plan on working with that information. I'm not sure that you can make another person attracted to you again, but I'm 100% sure that you can't get them to see you that way if they don't want to. I'd hire a lawyer & stick with the counselor for yourself to cope with this. Sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Confissledone Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Ok, you say that she told you that she still loves you correct? correct. you still love her as you have said it already. Well she claims that she loves you but is not attracted to you so what I could suggest (which I know many people here will flame) is hotwifing. I highly doubt you'll give that lifestyle a try from what you've said about her cheating but if you really wanna keep her and let her experience some more then you might wanna try this. I've read that its helped many people with messed up relationships, such as spicing up their sex life and loving eachother more. Cant say it from personal experience but just thought you would like another option. Sounds like its something she would like and if given the chance she might reconsider. Good luck and keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Sorry, I don't like when people talk about their SO's mistakes/flaws/deeds, but refuse to talk about their own. Love is not a one-way street. If your wife had reasons to not be attracted to you then you better tell us. Otherwise we'll just assume that she doesn't love you or is a bitch. I suppose you don't want any of it. "You better tell us"- Who the hell are you to make any demands of this poor guy. He came here looking for advice, not to listen to your crap. fubarman, you may want to take LucreziaBorgia's advice. Start covering your bases in case the your worst fears come true. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 But the desire for him is because she doesn't love you That is utter nonsense. It is normal and human to desire others even when you love someone. Loving someone means you don't act on your desires, not that you don't have them. To the OP, it's a good thing that she's in MC with you. Maybe give it a bit longer before you do something as drastic as a PI. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 fubarman, I also believe she's got someone else. Like PatientOne, I don't know what the hell RP is posting about. but why would she say the things she said...why would she have basically been mean to me? To justify her behavior to herself. She needs to allievate her guilt; she'll make you out to be the bad guy. Keep working in MC. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 PI's can be expensive, but it might be the route you want to go to get to the truth. However, if a PI isn't in your price range right now, you could always do some undercover work yourself. Or maybe if you have a close friend that you trust, they may could help you as well. Just a suggestion. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 For those who don't understand WTF I was talking about... I was saying if he wants our advice, we need more information. Whether he was a perfect husband or a lousy one in her eyes, makes a huge difference in how he might want to handle things. You can't get good advice if you provide insufficient information. He is the one who loses, not us in that case so there is no need to ask me "who the hell I am" and call my opinion "crap." I wish the guy the best and if he was doing something wrong then maybe he can fix his faults and thus fix the marriage. She doesn't just desire another man, Outcast. Read: Originally posted by fubarman She also says she's not sexually attracted to me, and she says that she's not happy with me. she decides she doesn't want to work on it, and she's ready to leave. We even go so far as to seperate our stuff. she decided to tell me that it felt wrong when I would touch her leg...or any kind of touching. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer For those who don't understand WTF I was talking about... I was saying if he wants our advice, we need more information. Whether he was a perfect husband or a lousy one in her eyes, makes a huge difference in how he might want to handle things. You can't get good advice if you provide insufficient information. He is the one who loses, not us in that case so there is no need to ask me "who the hell I am" and call my opinion "crap." I wish the guy the best and if he was doing something wrong then maybe he can fix his faults and thus fix the marriage. You weren't giving an opinion, you were spouting off about what "You better tell us" He'll give us the information he's comfortable with, in his own time. Or maybe he won't, it's his prerogative. If you think there isn't enough info here to make a comment on, then by all means try to keep your bad advice to yourself. You aren't helping matters. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by fubarman She also says she's not sexually attracted to me, and she says that she's not happy with me. she decides she doesn't want to work on it, and she's ready to leave. We even go so far as to seperate our stuff. she decided to tell me that it felt wrong when I would touch her leg...or any kind of touching. Again, RP, she could be saying all this to justify her own behavior. Not b/c Originally posted by RecordProducer But the desire for him is because she doesn't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 so there is no need to ask me "who the hell I am" and call my opinion "crap." Gee, funny how your opinion changes when the shoe's on the other foot Link to post Share on other sites
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