Author fubarman Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 I might have put on 10 lbs or so...but nothing big. She says she feels like she's just my friend...not lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 well mc went good last night...the guy talked us into staying together for 3 months to see what will happen. that guy is certainly worth the money. I wasn't the best husband...I didn't know I was doing it when I did it...but I am controlling. I learned this is my first MC session. I am also jealous. I am also the most caring person you'll ever meet...especially to my wife. Last night went well...he told us to start dating again...basically let her lead on everything. I don't initiate anything. It's weird b/c I feel like i've done something horrible...but I haven't. I feel like this is the way you are supposed to act if you cheated on your wife...I haven't. I feel like i'm putting 140% in and she's putting 10% in. But I guess that's what I have to do. I'm still not very optomistic about it though. Thanks to everyone for the kind/not so kind words...it's nice to hear so many opinions. Also...no wifeswapping...lol...i would kill someone. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Glad MC went well for you last night. Its good that the counselor brought to the surface some things about yourself that maybe you didn't realize. Gives you something to work on. However she has to be willing to do her part in working on the marriage too. If only one person is working on it and the other one isn't, then chances are it isn't going to work. Hopefully she will do her part. Good luck. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 If she is involved with someone else, you are wasting your money on MC. Please, for your own sake rule out the possibility of an affair. There are some really big red flags there. At the very least, if you decide not to hire a PI you will need to sit down and make a list of everything that set off your 'alarms' and present that to the counselor at your next session. It sounds like you are more than willing to take the blame, and your W is more than willing to let you. Meanwhile, the seeds of something horrible are quietly growing on her end: seeds she planted herself and nurtures in the comfort of your blind trust while she has you looking the other way to fix "your problems". You let this go, without addressing what caused her to plant those seeds and I guarantee you it will grow and resurface. Do not ignore or take sole responsibility for her 'affair' behavior. That is something that she has to acknowledge and take responsibility for. Its good that you are working on your issues here, but it is absolutely important that what is going on with her is exposed and dissected as well. Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia It sounds like you are more than willing to take the blame, and your W is more than willing to let you. Meanwhile, the seeds of something horrible are quietly growing on her end: seeds she planted herself and nurtures in the comfort of your blind trust while she has you looking the other way to fix "your problems". You let this go, without addressing what caused her to plant those seeds and I guarantee you it will grow and resurface. Do not ignore or take sole responsibility for her 'affair' behavior. LB is right on here. MW snowed me for four months in MC until I caught her and OM. It's weird b/c I feel like i've done something horrible...but I haven't. I feel like this is the way you are supposed to act if you cheated on your wife...I haven't. I feel like i'm putting 140% in and she's putting 10% in. I was sitting right where you are about one year ago. I trusted her that there was no one else and also put in my 100%+while she was on sabbatical. I could feel MW was holding back in MC. Don't ignore your gut instinct or the big red flags. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/ Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Affair partners talk...and talk...and talk. If you can't afford the PI right now, pull her cell phone detail records. If your name is on the account you can request them directly from the company. But if she hasn't thought ahead to sign up for on-line access to the account....you could get that done today. All you have to do is go to the cellular company's website and activate your account. Also, check your PC at home. Affair partners are usually pretty careful, and will clear histories. But sometimes they forget to clear the cookies, or delete IM and email archives. It's worth a look, if for nothing else than peace of mind. Lucrezia is right. MC isn't terribly valuable if there's an active affair going on. Therepy requires honesty, or you're wasting both your time and your money. There is hope for recovery after infidelity. But you have to make sure you have the truth first. I caution you to NOT accuse her until you do have the truth though. It can make things worse if you're wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Jolene Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 Tuesday my wife decided to tell me that she had fun at a party b/c "you weren't there." She also says she's not sexually attracted to me, and she says that she's not happy with me. My world is immediately crushed. If anyone ever said this to me, and especially if I still had no kids to consider or worry about.... I'd be outta there faster than you can say...sssssssssssssssee ya!!! Don't knock yourself out trying to understand it. You probably never will. If you decide to stay, be prepared for a long bumpy ride. She is not being forthright with you now and what happens now will likely set a precedent for what will happen in the future. By the way, what would you do if you finally have children with her and find out after the fact that one of them isn't really yours. Would you still want to stay with her? Maybe you would initially because it sounds like you really love her. But eventually, you will get tired of her flippant inexplicable behaviour. She wants out...one way or another...like a stray cat that will come back to you used, tattered and with a glazed look and a half smoked cigarette. Or she will leave you outright, and hopefully not as a single father to take care of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 that's just not her...she wouldn't leave me with kids... unfortunately I do love her...the thought of being single, 24 years old, and I make a lot of money does seem nice. I have been thinking about this a lot recently...and it makes me want to go through with the divorce....but then I am around her for a couple hours, and I feel like there is no way in hell I want to be apart from her. Love sux Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 23, 2005 Author Share Posted August 23, 2005 you guys need to know that all of this came from nowhere...I had NO SIGNS...at least none that I caught. That's why it destroyed me so much...i'm a tough guy...but to go to this from something so great...it was so shocking. One day everything is great, and the next ... Link to post Share on other sites
Jolene Posted August 23, 2005 Share Posted August 23, 2005 but then I am around her for a couple hours, and I feel like there is no way in hell I want to be apart from her. Love sux That's precisely why people get separated. They feel confused, emotionally drained and unable to decide one way or the other. You don't have to rush into anything, but understand this much... Do NOT allow GUILT to be the deciding factor that you stay in this relationship. This is precisely why some people (men and women alike) find people like you to sponge from....you are too kind-hearted to leave her in the lurch financially and she is probably counting on it. Don't let that concept extend so deep into your wallet that you are signing on the dotted line for everything from jewellery to mortgages and cars and all that just so that you can compensate for her inadequacies. Next thing you know you are responsible for the car accident and the unpaid mortgage. You would do her and you a favour if you would refrain from taking responsibility financially, as that could backfire on you. You never know what to expect with someone who is not stable, and it sounds like you are caught in a bind. But I am happy to hear that you genuinely love her. It is nice to have loved someone even just for awhile rather than never experience it at all. If you really do make good coin, don't let anyone take advantage of you....being bankrupt is no way to go, and all of your cash won't get you a mortgage for 7 years afterward and maybe even then some. How's that for feeling guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 I wish it were just guilt... It goes like this...during the day I think about life w/o her...and I can see myself being happy again. But then I get around her, and I feel like making it work... I'm up and down and up and down all day and night. I think this is all so crazy b/c it's really the only time someone has ever broke up with ME. I wish I wouldn't have suggested marriage counseling...I wish I would have just let it all go. There is no doubt in my mind that maybe a month would have passed, and she would have been calling me. But then I would be thinking that the reason she would have been calling me is because she would be broke. She has no skills, and I make a lot of money. I did something stupid last night...I went through our movie collection (can't find any of our porn...hope it's not all over the internet or something ). But I found some old movies of us just hanging out...and I see how much Iraq changed me...I changed a lot. But I also saw how much fun we were having...just me and her...anyone have a time machine i could borrow? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by fubarman But then I get around her, Then stop hanging around her .. Do a full dose of NC .. you seem like you are confused about what to do .. You need to come up with a plan and stick to it. If MC isn't what you want then you need to move on to be fair to her and yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author fubarman Posted August 24, 2005 Author Share Posted August 24, 2005 The MC said that its best not to act, and just to see what will happen. I guess he's just more focused on making our marriage work, and not our individual happiness. But this guy is a genious...he'll tell me how im feeling before I realize how I'm feeling....quite impressive actually. bah life sucks so bad right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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