Grapesofwrath Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. The relationship is on solid footing and we have talked about the future many times. Things were really going nicely. About a week ago, his ex-wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Very grim diagnosis. They have two teenage kids, and share custody of them. I have never met her, but by all accounts she seems like a nice woman who has been struck down by cancer out of the blue. She has moved on and has a new relationship, too. She is very close with my bf's sister, who I have never met as she does not live near here. She has visited a few times over the last year, though, and I have not been introduced to her. (I talked to her on the phone once, but that's it.) He has met my brother a couple times and they get along well. My bf still spends Xmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter with his ex-wife and kids (along with some extended family) as it was viewed as best for the kids to keep these traditions intact. I have kids, too, and it just seemed to all make sense that we spend the holidays with our respective kids. Anyway, she has undergone surgery to remove the tumors and will now move on to chemo. I would like to help and be supportive as much as possible, in whatever way makes sense, but not sure how that would work. They created a website, but I'm afraid to log into it because she'll see my name. I don't want to upset her, though she has moved on so I don't know if it would. Honestly, I just don't know what to do, if anything. Should I just take a backseat and wait? Just support my bf emotionally and leave it at that? Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Discuss with BF first. Ask him to clear the path so you can also discuss with his sister. Then discuss with sister. Get as much feedback from people who know and care about the ex as possible to help you define your role. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Pray for her if you are so inclined. Ask your BF what he needs. Help him make plans for having full custody of the kids. Let him talk if he needs to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 Thank you for these answers. When we first found out, we did talk briefly about how life would change if he had custody full-time. That is something that could happen, but we don't want to focus on that as it feels like very pessimistic thinking at this point. She may, hopefully, beat the cancer entirely and I'd like to focus energy there, instead. She had surgery this week, which went well. Now she is looking at recovery from that, and then chemo. This will be a very long road for her, and for their entire family. Thank you again for the responses. They were helpful., Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 Pray for her if you are so inclined. I'm personally struggling with prayer right now. It seems that I would be praying to the same entity or force that allowed for her to have this cancer in the first place. So why would G-d give her cancer, then answer prayers for her to receive a cure? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 IMO, support your BF and leave the rest to him and his family. With the big C it ain't over till its over and I have plenty of personal loved ones who've gone on to live quite awhile after dx, even #4. The treatments out there these days are pretty amazing. That would be my focus if the subject came up with his teenagers, presuming you have contact with them. Else, his ex is his ex and that's their family stuff. I'd keep a respectful distance as you apparently have all this time, never meeting her. That's OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Bless your soul, your concern for this woman warms my heart. Will your boyfriend have full care of their children while she is undergoing these treatments? How your boyfriend feels about you accompany him when he picks them up? so you get introduced. My ex-husband often brought his wife with him when he picked up our daughter. I always invited them in for a coffee, her and I slowly build trust and respect for each other that at some point we communicated directly to each other instead of through my ex. When my ex-h died she opened her arms to me and we buried him together. There is no rules saying you have to stay away from each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 IMO, support your BF and leave the rest to him and his family. With the big C it ain't over till its over and I have plenty of personal loved ones who've gone on to live quite awhile after dx, even #4. The treatments out there these days are pretty amazing. That would be my focus if the subject came up with his teenagers, presuming you have contact with them. Else, his ex is his ex and that's their family stuff. I'd keep a respectful distance as you apparently have all this time, never meeting her. That's OK. Thanks, carhill. Yes, I have met his kids and do have contact with them. They are very nice kids. (He has met my kids, as well.) I work in health care, so it seems likely they will ask me if I know the medical team that is caring for her, and what I think of her situation. I will remain positive and optimistic with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 20, 2017 Author Share Posted December 20, 2017 Bless your soul, your concern for this woman warms my heart. Will your boyfriend have full care of their children while she is undergoing these treatments? How your boyfriend feels about you accompany him when he picks them up? so you get introduced. My ex-husband often brought his wife with him when he picked up our daughter. I always invited them in for a coffee, her and I slowly build trust and respect for each other that at some point we communicated directly to each other instead of through my ex. When my ex-h died she opened her arms to me and we buried him together. There is no rules saying you have to stay away from each other. Thank you, Gaeta, for your kind response. I have met his kids and see them occasionally, so we won't need to be introduced. I'm not sure yet how the child care will be handled while she is undergoing treatment, but I will support whatever is best for the kids. They are 15 & 17 years old, so they are able to do some things for themselves, but will still need an adult in the home. Their grandparents live nearby, as well. I am more than willing to help out, with rides or meals or whatever they need, if we get to a point where all parties are comfortable with that. I think your attitude toward your ex-husband's second wife is a healthy and mature approach. I would like to emulate that, if possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 Grapesofwrath, My take, and my way in life, is to do the kindest thing that is allowed to me at any given time. Log on, say you hope for the best, if they are asking for financial support give some, but let her know you are hoping she gets better, and will have the nest possible outcome there is for the situation. Rule one, never let your embarrassment, stop you from helping someone as much as you can. In the end, you help or not, but in many ways it is the effort that counts. I wish you luck....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 Just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful caring person. If we here that don't know you can feel your good vibe, I am sure she will too. She has a new husband and most likely doesn't resent your boyfriend. Log in and say some warm words. In the end, you will all be part of an extended family if you end up marrying him. When the big C hits, any and all care and attention is welcomed. I had a person really close to me who had it, overcame it and is alive and happy. I cut ties with one of my best friends because she wasn't supportive as I expected during that difficult time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 Grapesofwrath, My take, and my way in life, is to do the kindest thing that is allowed to me at any given time. Log on, say you hope for the best, if they are asking for financial support give some, but let her know you are hoping she gets better, and will have the nest possible outcome there is for the situation. Rule one, never let your embarrassment, stop you from helping someone as much as you can. In the end, you help or not, but in many ways it is the effort that counts. I wish you luck....... Thank you, understand. I agree with your philosophy about kindness 100%. I think my question here was whether my gesture would be felt by her as kindness or possibly something else. By way of an update, my bf told me last night that his sister will be in town over the holidays and she would like to meet me. So I'll have a chance to meet her and, from there, I'm sure the rest will flow naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted December 23, 2017 Author Share Posted December 23, 2017 My bf went to visit his ex-wife today, for the first time since her surgery. He said she was recuperating, but it was a tough road. He stayed with her until his sister came, and took her for a walk around her hospital floor. Part of me loves him for being such a sweet, loving guy who does things like that for people. Another small part of me feels a little jealous, and maybe a tiny bit insecure that this illness will somehow bring them back together. I would not share that with him, especially not now, because he doesn't need the drama in his life. But I do have that feeling. Is that weird? Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 My bf went to visit his ex-wife today, for the first time since her surgery. He said she was recuperating, but it was a tough road. He stayed with her until his sister came, and took her for a walk around her hospital floor. Part of me loves him for being such a sweet, loving guy who does things like that for people. Another small part of me feels a little jealous, and maybe a tiny bit insecure that this illness will somehow bring them back together. I would not share that with him, especially not now, because he doesn't need the drama in his life. But I do have that feeling. Is that weird? Not weird at all. Finding and holding on to a loving relationship often seems so very precarious. You're not weird (sez me), just human. Remember that there's a reason that she's his ex-wife instead of his wife and a reason that you and he are now a couple. Don't fear his care for the mother of his children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grapesofwrath Posted January 4, 2018 Author Share Posted January 4, 2018 My bf and I have had a few good talks lately, and I feel like everything with us is really solid right now, even with this current crisis. On NYE, he told me that he "needs me" in his life. He is not the sort of man that says things like this easily and I know he means it from the bottom of his heart. Unfortunately, things are not going so well for his ex-wife. She is still in the hospital, over 2 weeks post-surgery. She has an infection that they can't find, and she still has a fever every day. They keep saying a couple more days, but then she ends up having to stay longer. She will have to undergo 5 months of chemo after this surgery and I don't think they've even started yet because of her infection. My heart breaks for her. This has got to be absolute torture to be in the hospital this long, over the holidays, feeling so poorly every day. Not to mention what it has been like for her kids. Anyway, this is going to be a very long road for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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