vix Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Just a few questions for dumpers. If you ended a relationship & realised you'd made a mistake: How long did it take you to realise? What made you change your mind/realise? How did you go about sorting things? I ended a 4year relationship in 2003, it took me a year & a half to realise that i had to do something about it & when i knew i had to, i asked to see him, gave him a letter which explained everything & although he didn't come back at first, he did after 2months of regular but not crazy/daily contact. Link to post Share on other sites
queenie01 Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Yea...i would like to know that too? And how long before the dumper realizes the grass isnt so much greener on the other side? Link to post Share on other sites
suzie sweet Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 i was a dumper it happened this year in june, my head was in a mess through loss of a parent 3yrs previously, giving birth and money problems my hubby and i had. it all got too much and i became more than friendly with a male friend of ours.I admit i treat my hubby like sh... nearly causing him a mental breakdown by rubbing it all in his face with this other man i thought i wanted.but the answer to your question i realised only a few days later id made a mistake and asked him back but he didnt wana know he was so bitter and hurting (naturally), but now he seems to have calmed down and we are getting on better than ever i see him almost every day and he has our daughter overnight at his parents house.its now nearly 3 mths later and i feel back to square one im crying and missing him so much ,he is such a good man. ive told my affair man to stay away and give me a chance to make up with my hubby its all been a HUGE mistake and im ready to start begging and crawling wotever it takes.Its been like a bang to my head waking me up and releasing me from this bubble i was trapped in not knowing at the time if i wanted this man or my hubby and it has taken this seperation for me to know who my heart belongs to.I really dont know where to start and im terrified of his rejection.But the grass isnt greener on the other side this man wasnt my hubby and something was stopping me moving on with him probably the fact i was still in love with my hubby.If i have any joy i will post my happiness to you, but my advice any one out there in the same boat as me DONT DO IT.the guilt you have to live with through hurting so many people ,your partner, there family, your kids its so hard to live with. Link to post Share on other sites
AmberAriesMom Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Just a few questions for dumpers. If you ended a relationship & realised you'd made a mistake: How long did it take you to realise? What made you change your mind/realise? How did you go about sorting things? I ended a 4year relationship in 2003, it took me a year & a half to realise that i had to do something about it & when i knew i had to, i asked to see him, gave him a letter which explained everything & although he didn't come back at first, he did after 2months of regular but not crazy/daily contact. You don't say why you 'dumped' your guy. I think that matters. I don't like the word 'dumped'. Why can't it just be that you decided a relationship wasn't working out and was honest enough to tell the other half? 'Dumped' is too harsh a word for doing what you thought was right. Link to post Share on other sites
Shandy Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 How long did it take you to realise? several weeks What made you change your mind/realise? I sensed that he's getting over me. His frequency of contact went from everyday to every couple of days to a couple times per week. Also, he started talking about casual things in his emails. It's the little things that I pick up that tells me he's a strong person who is getting over the initial pain from the breakup. How did you go about sorting things? I asked for him back. He said no. We had a couple months of LC. Eventually we got back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vix Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 Alh I hope it works out for you. You made a mistake, regret what you've done & know what you want now. It sounds positive & i just hope you post with good news soon - fingers crossed! AmberAriesMom I don't like the word 'dumped' either. I walked away because i was having problems with work, had just bought my first house & ended up doubting my feelings. Shandy That's great. How are things between you now? All of you I posted my initial questions because although my ex came back, he stayed 3 months & then walked away himself (he didn't feel how he should, couldn't forget what had happened before & wanted to be on his own). It's been 3 months now & although i'm sitting back, i can't walk away. When i realised i'd made a mistake it hit me hard & i knew that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Those thoughts haven't changed & for as long as i know there are feelings there, i don't want to give up the hope. He's having a very difficult time at the moment, says the break-up wasn't personal (it was situational/timing), that he's hit rock-bottom & needs to be on his own. He knows i'll be there for him so i guess i've just got to see what happens. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
queenie01 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Vix I hope it all works out for you. Funny how you turn of events took place, almost like now God wants you to go thru what your ex went thru. It all sucks, I pray everyday to good to bring my exs heart back to me andmake him not doubt his feelings anymore but its been 4 months and he still isnt coming around... : ( We have only talkd via email too and that was minimal but mostly initated by him. I finally text messaged him last nite because we were supose to be going on a trip together with his family that he still went on. I told him "i hope you have a nice time with your family in michigan, drive safe andhave fun" Well I never got a response...so i was sad, but i didnt expect much out of it, my only intentions behind the txt message were to let him know im thinking of him and to get him thinking... A year ago he was in michigan with his family and he emailed me everyday and talked about me to his family the whole time, they said they have never seen him happier and now today a year later we dont even speak : ( Do you think because he didnt respond that he wants nothing to do with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author vix Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 I wish i could tell you what he's thinking but i can't - sorry. However, if he's initiating most of your contacts through email, then i'd say that he does want contact but then again, i don't know what his feelings are - friendship? regrets? I'm no expert (as you've read) but know how hard limited contact can be when you're waiting. Keep smiling & look after yourself Link to post Share on other sites
suzie sweet Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 well ive spent most of day with my hubby today doing our daughters room out (the first time weve had quality time 2gether since our break up.He asked bout my affair man & i told him it was over and he is staying away i even showed him the emails my affair man had sent me just to prove to my ex i was serious.My tummy was in knots preparing myself to ask him if there was any chance of us reuniting but i didnt bother as wen i was hinting and telling him im finding it hard too move on with ANY man i cant cos i still feel like im with my hubby etc,his reply was "yeh i feel the same thats why itll be better wen we get divorced", i explained to him why i did what i did and feel great now im out this bubble and can see all my mistakes and can focus on the future and he said "same ere its great isnt it no one telling u wot to do, been able to go where u wana go, no questions asked etc" so i didnt bother asking him for a second chance cos i realised hes happy with his life as it is.But its confusing cos hes even asked me today do i still wana go on holiday next year for his 40th with our two kids and hes paying ??? I said id love to but wot if he was in another relationship by then his reply been " well who knows wot the future holds but that was my goal for all of us to have a winter hol together". Wot if i was with some one as well ? i told him it wudnt matter id still go.Another thing that hurt me was we always said we wanted to be creamated and our ashes buried together (morbid bit ere) and today he says hes always wanted to be buried, i reminded him of wot he wanted wen he was with me and he said "well that was then".He loves our daughter so much maybe even me a little i duno but i cant move on im so down today, thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
queenie01 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 Vix I did wind up getting a reply to my text message, he just said thanks that was very nice of you... so im leaving things be from here on out...no more initation of contact on my end. He knows im thinking of him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vix Posted September 1, 2005 Author Share Posted September 1, 2005 Hi everyone Alh I know how you're feeling & whilst i'd love to say it gets better, it doesn't - it just gets easier. He sounds very confused & from what you've said about what's happened, he's probably hurting like hell & will do for a long time. Whilst others will probably say move on, it's not that easy when you've made a mistake, regret what you've done, know how you feel & what you want. The only thing you can do is show him how sorry you are & more importantly, how committed you are to trying to save your relationship. He'll need time & alot of understanding - good luck. Queenie I thought would. Sitting back is hard to do & i hope you do better than me. My ex went away recently & I text before he went to say i hoped he'd have a good time. He replied saying thanks, he'd try & hoped i was good. I said i'd sit back too but i had a bad day on Monday & asked him to phone. We talked for 3+hrs & he said that although he wanted to call, he didn't want to upset/confuse me more. Although there were a few tears in parts, the conversation was ok but i've been left with mixed thoughts again because i know that feelings are still there. Whilst he said that he misses me & has questioned what he's done, he thinks he's made the right decision. Well, to cut a long story short, yesterday i text to say that i've listened to what he's said & would like him to do the same. I said that i know i cant change whats happened but id like the opp to make things right, i know feelings are still there, want to be the one who puts a smile on his face & makes everthing ok & that id love an invite to see him again one day. I finished by saying that although i know he wants to be on his own at the moment, i don't want him to dismiss the idea. Maybe i shouldn't have sent it but at the same time, i feel like a weight has been lifted for the first time in 3 months. I've been honest, i've said exactly how i feel & if he doesn't value that & chooses to ignore his feelings, there's nothing more i can do. Link to post Share on other sites
suzie sweet Posted September 2, 2005 Share Posted September 2, 2005 Thanks for advice vix i really do know how he is feeling because it happened to me 14yrs ago wen my ex hubby went off with my older sister, it took me a year before i tried again with him but the terrible thing is 5mths later he went off with her again so there was no 3rd chance, but regarding my present hubby waiting for him i can do but its gonna kill me wen he meets someone new in case he falls truely in love and never wants me back, but like he said hes always gona be in my life cos of our daughter, which makes it harder getting over him, wish he was nasty and horrible and treat me like i shud b after wot ive dun to him,but hes the opposite still so caring and gentle cos hes such a good man, i just want an end to this horrible feeling but i do know wot i must do, be patient and try enjoy my life and move on for now. Link to post Share on other sites
suzie sweet Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 Hi me again, spent most of day with my hubby i told him again that my affair was over cos he was quizzing me again, but this time i told him i cant move on with a man cos im not over him, i regret every minute and made a mistake. I was expecting some sort of reaction wether it be he dosnt feel the same or wether he wud tell me he was glad to hear it, but i got nothing from him apart from he jumped straight in with a totally diffrent conversation, why was this do you think? maybe he didnt wana hurt me, or was just not intrested any more anyone have any idea thanx Link to post Share on other sites
Author vix Posted September 4, 2005 Author Share Posted September 4, 2005 By changing the conversation i think that he's not ready to talk about it. By not saying anything, he makes no mistakes & doesn't have to face his feelings. Hang in there - i think you did great by telling him that you regretted what you did & made a mistake. Even though he didn't say anything, it doesn't mean that he's not thinking about what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
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