My wife is unhappy with me working so far away

[Trail Blazer]

Hi all,

 

My family and I have recently moved from Salem, OR to a small town in the heart of Willamette Valley. Originally when we were living in suburban Portland, I had an enjoyable job which was located in Beaverton. The commute was fine and reasonable. We decided to move to Salem a number of years back for many reasons, mainly financial ones. As a result I looked for and subsequently found employment more local to me. The job didn't work out as the boss was an ******* and my employment was therefore untenable.

 

As I was on the brink of quitting, my old employer in Beaverton were advertising the exact same job I had left 2 years prior. I called up my boss as I still had his cell phone number and he said he would pull the ad and hire me straight away if I came back. Needless to say, I took the job (this is going back to July 2014). The pay was less but my boss offered to let me use the company fuel card to fill my truck with gas once a week to help with the cost of commuting from Salem to Portland.

 

My wife wasn't happy I went back there because the pay wasn't as good but understood why I left the other place, even if she was critical of me about how I handled some aspects of my employment at that place. She said I should not make plans to stay there long term as it was unviable and not good for the family to be working so far away. Even though I liked working there and had buddies there that I'd maintained contact with after leaving the first time, I agreed that I should look closer to home.

 

Fast forward 3 years and we end up moving to a quaint country town S.W. of Portland, around 1 hour 10 minute's commute from downtown Portland and an even 1 hour commute to Beaverton. Just like Salem though, the commute times blows out in peak hour traffic, making the 45 mile commute seem like a 145 mile commute. Yes, I still haven't left as for 1 reason or another I had not found a viable job to go to which was closer to home.

 

So this is where things have come to a head. In the last few weeks my wife has befriended a local whose husband manages a tractor dealership in a town 13 miles from where we live - an easy commute up the Oregon Route 18. Recently I have completed my associates degree in management so I had been looking to transition from my current role as a diesel mechanic to a permanent position off the tools, ideally as a workshop manager or an equivalent role.

 

As it turns out the place that this woman's husband manages needs mechanics urgently. It all happened within a few days, but 1 thing led to another and I had the owner of the businesses call me and ask if I can call in on my way home for a chat. I agreed to and despite making my intentions clear that I am not just looking for a new job, but an employer who can offer me opportunities for growth and development in the administration side of the business - I was offered the job then and there. More money, closer to home, seemingly more opportunites. Great!

 

The thing is, I really enjoy my work currently. I have good friends and a supportive boss, despite our odd clashing of heads. Even the big boss, who once told me that I was "way too important on the shop floor to ever move into the office" is a great guy. All of that was irrelevant as I felt obligated to take this other job - one working on unfamiliar machinery which I had no experience, nor any desire to work on, which would also be a job that was more high pressure regardless of the unfamiliarity - to do the "right" thing by my family.

 

I handed in my resignation to my immediate manager and within 10 minutes I had the big boss (department director) come down and offer to match anything the other place was offering. I called the other place back to tell them I'd need time to consider, and he offered more money again (even though I had no experience repairing much of the machinery he sells) because he liked the "cut of my jib." Long story short, my current big boss refused my resignation and bumped up his offer again until I accepted and stayed.

 

I felt as though either way I couldn't lose. Just because Xmas I now have a big payrise. The thing is my wife was still very unhappy. She thought I was seduced by "money and comfort", even though the money was negligibly higher than the local job's offer. She thought I had forgone an opportunity to advance my career, even though I'd later explained that at both places they want my skills repairing machinery rather than managing anything - so at either place the opportunities would be, at best, speculative.

 

My wife then admitted that she's felt all along that I like working car away and commuting long distances because I can disengage from responsibilities around the place and by doing so, leave the burden of household chores and running the kids around to her. She thinks that I've "involuntarily cultivated a disconnect" between myself and the community I'm living in as I'm disassociating from the fabric and culture of the community. She thinks that I could leverage off our community to benefit the whole family if I elecged to work locally and networked with the right people.

 

What it ultimately boils down to is me choosing to work in a place where I have a close-knit team (sure call it a clique if you like) of friends, in a comfortable and relatively clean working environment which is also very well resourced with the work that I enjoy doing and am comfortable doing in this stage of my career. I didn't like the idea of working on dirty old tractors, hay balers and other agricultural machinery which I'd have to learn from scratch in an underresourced (compared to where I currently work) workshop while being at the bottom of the food chain.

 

It's OK for my wife. She doesn't have to do the back-breaking labor. She's a chatty person who talks to everyone and does generally get along well with people. While I am an open and accepting person, I'm still picky with whom I choose to associate, and technicians in the auto trade can vary vastly. The risk of going to this place, where the people and culture is seemingly more rural and old school brings a set of risks which, combined with very similar pay, no fuel allowance like my current employer, doing work which is unfamiliar, harder on my body and more mentally taxing due to the additional responsibilities - just didn't stack up in the end.

 

I know that my wife and this lady have become close friends and the 2 ladies obviously wanted myself to work there, as the lady's husband to be my boss, so they could further cement their friendship. For mine, that is a superficial reason to choose to work somewhere. Now, of course my wife isn't dumb and therefore doesn't think that solely is a reason to move, but she also laid it on pretty thick about how "they (the couple) worked so hard to get you that position" implying that I should have some feelings of guilt.

 

The thing is, when I spoke to the husband who was going to be my immediate boss and the owner, they both listened to my reasoning and actually understood where I came from. My wife couldn't contain her disappointment in me not accepting the job. Obviously her issues extend beyond the equation of just choosing my current job over this job offering - hence the 2 guys only convehing their understanding of my decision purely in that context - and into the reality of perhaps never finding a job worth leaving for. My wife said as much last night when she said "if you weren't going to leave for this job, you're never going to leave for any job."

Edited December 20, 2017 by Trail Blazer

[whatcanitellyou]

Is it true that you've disengaged from your home and family?

 

Spending a lot of time apart for long periods is really bad for a marriage. Your wife is eventually going to detach or be vulnerable to someone else. Sounds like she already doesn't see your as her partner.

 

Is there no compromise you guys can make? Can you move?

 

If this wrecks your marriage will the job have been worth it?

[Trail Blazer]

Is it true that you've disengaged from your home and family?

 

Spending a lot of time apart for long periods is really bad for a marriage. Your wife is eventually going to detach or be vulnerable to someone else. Sounds like she already doesn't see your as her partner.

 

Is there no compromise you guys can make? Can you move?

 

If this wrecks your marriage will the job have been worth it?

 

No I haven't disengaged from my family but we have had a lot of problems though. I don't think conflating those problems with a perceived disengagement is fair or true. Honestly though I'd just prefer to move back to suburban Portland while my wife prefers living in a small country town. I guess because of that I'm finding it hard to buy into the whole community deal while my wife has already immersed herself into it.

 

If our marriage is wrecked it won't be because of this. Our marriage has many problems which we are trying to work through, this being just 1 more to add to the list. If this were to be what causes it to then it would have been the straw that broke thr camels back and nothing more.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, sorry to see that you have one more problem to contend with. In reading your OP what emerges as far as I am concerned is that both you and your wife have valid points to make. I can understand your wanting to continue in a work environment which is conducive to you in every way barring the problem of the tedious commute. Of course the sweetening of the pill with an enhanced pay packet and a fuel allowance also adds to the attraction of continuing where you are. You are also right in wanting to move up the ladder to a management position since you have qualified yourself for it. However, there is the aspect of you being stuck in your comfort zone which bodes ill for any kind of move on your part. This is where your wife is right. While I do not agree with the rest of her reasoning and her possible motivations, on this one point she is right hands down.

 

It is good to see that in spite of the turbulent marital life that you have endured with your wife, you have had the mental strength to improve on your professional qualifications so that you can move up in your profession. Surely your wife should be appreciative of this fact rather than berating you about not having the ambition to move up in life? If I remember rightly,, you were trying at one time, to get a well paying job on an oil rig and would have had to be away from home for extended periods of time. At the time your wife was quite content with your decision, in fact she was probably happy because of the good money you would be bringing in. How is it that she has completely changed her perspective now? She is not working and you are doing your best to maintain your family in a reasonable financial state. She should be happy and appreciative of that. I am sure, being the kind of guy you ate, you must still be pitching in to help with familial duties. Sometimes it seems she wants to drive you like a mule!

 

Whatcanitellyou, guess you have'nt read Trail's back story. His has been a very difficult life. His wife, although a good woman who is highly intelligent, has had some very unreasonable expectations of him. She herself is highly qualified and can get a job in her field if she were to try but she is fixated on joining the police force and is preparing herself for that. She is also much older than the OP and this is her second marriage but is the first for him. In the circumstances I think Trail is doing very well. I know I wouldn't have been able to last a day in his situation. Warm wishes.

Edited December 21, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Trail, sorry to see that you have one more problem to contend with. In reading your OP what emerges as far as I am concerned is that both you and your wife have valid points to make. I can understand your wanting to continue in a work environment which is conducive to you in every way barring the problem of the tedious commute. Of course the sweetening of the pill with an enhanced pay packet and a fuel allowance also adds to the attraction of continuing where you are. You are also right in wanting to move up the ladder to a management position since you have qualified yourself for it. However, there is the aspect of you being stuck in your comfort zone which bodes ill for any kind of move on your part. This is where your wife is right. While I do not agree with the rest of her reasoning and her possible motivations, on this one point she is right hands down.

 

It is good to see that in spite of the turbulent marital life that you have endured with your wife, you have had the mental strength to improve on your professional qualifications so that you can move up in your profession. Surely your wife should be appreciative of this fact rather than berating you about not having the ambition to move up in life? If I remember rightly,, you were trying at one time, to get a well paying job on an oil rig and would have had to be away from home for extended periods of time. At the time your wife was quite content with your decision, in fact she was probably happy because of the good money you would be bringing in. How is it that she has completely changed her perspective now? She is not working and you are doing your best to maintain your family in a reasonable financial state. She should be happy and appreciative of that. I am sure, being the kind of guy you ate, you must still be pitching in to help with familial duties. Sometimes it seems she wants to drive you like a mule!

 

Whatcanitellyou, guess you have'nt read Trail's back story. His has been a very difficult life. His wife, although a good woman who is highly intelligent, has had some very unreasonable expectations of him. She herself is highly qualified and can get a job in her field if she were to try but she is fixated on joining the police force and is preparing herself for that. She is also much older than the OP and this is her second marriage but is the first for him. In the circumstances I think Trail is doing very well. I know I wouldn't have been able to last a day in his situation. Warm wishes.

Well, for one thing, the money on the off shore oil rig was going to be a lot more than anything I could earn on dry land. Short of the West Texas oil fields or one of the large mines, nothing else will pay that. Even then, that would require flying in and out of site for weeks at a time. Either way if I want the big bucks in my industry or related industires I've got to be prepared to a) move or b) spend at least half my life somewhere other than at home.

 

I think my wife sees this as an "all things being equal" scenario when there's no tangible benefit for her in me working further away, when I could be earning very similar money closer to home. That's the critical difference in this case.

 

As for the bolded, my wife doesn't berate me about not having ambition to move up in life. She just thought that staying at this job would reduce the likeliehood of a promotion because in the past I was told that I am more valuable on the shop floor than in the office, whereas the local job I passed up, the owner was open to me moving up. The problem was though, his is a smallish organization so the opportunities are small anyway.

 

As I told my wife, the owner at this local place wad appealing to my obvious desires to move up and make use of my new found qualifications, but to not lose sight of the fact that he very much is still hiring me for what I can do with my hands and that it's my feeling that he too would be in no rush to see me in the office.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trail, are there any third options? With the unemployment rate in the US dropping steadily and with Donald Trump's policies revoking the move toward the clean and green technologies of the future, there should currently be ample jobs in oil where your newly acquired qualifications could be utilized. This may be the best time to improve on both the career and financial fronts. Something to think about. Warm wishes.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Trail, are there any third options? With the unemployment rate in the US dropping steadily and with Donald Trump's policies revoking the move toward the clean and green technologies of the future, there should currently be ample jobs in oil where your newly acquired qualifications could be utilized. This may be the best time to improve on both the career and financial fronts. Something to think about. Warm wishes.

 

I'm always on the look out for better jobs. The sort of jobs I'm looking for where the big bucks are at are in fickle industries. It's not what you know half the time as who you know. I had a buddy of mine give me the name and contact details of an agency that supplies labor to all kinds of industries - oil and gas, minerals etc but I've been on a waiting list for a year. It is what it is...

 

For the moment I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. My wife's issue will blow over. Once my first pay comes in on my new pay rate she'll be happy. It's a substantial increase which will enable us to do a fair bit more week to week. It's all I can do is keep trying man and hope 1 day I make some inroads. It already feels like I have...somewhat.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hey trail, reading back to your first thread....

Whatever happened with the wife becoming a cop? Not being a smart azz but just wanted to see what SHE has been doing for this relationship? Also, your intimacy issues? I can definately see that you would fill your "extra" time with work and other occupations...

You are young enough that always improving yourself and getting better and enjoyable employment is key. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Only you can make yourself happy, others can just build upon it. Make sure that finding balance in YOUR life is for you, not just your wife and "neighbors"...

 

Hope you have a blessed holiday.

[Trail Blazer]

Hey trail, reading back to your first thread....

Whatever happened with the wife becoming a cop? Not being a smart azz but just wanted to see what SHE has been doing for this relationship? Also, your intimacy issues? I can definately see that you would fill your "extra" time with work and other occupations...

You are young enough that always improving yourself and getting better and enjoyable employment is key. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Only you can make yourself happy, others can just build upon it. Make sure that finding balance in YOUR life is for you, not just your wife and "neighbors"...

 

Hope you have a blessed holiday.

She's on track for the cops some time in 2018. As we speak she's still at the hospital after having her gastric bypass surgery. This will be what will keep her to a healthy weight for good and will, with any luck, completely put to bed any onset of type 2 diabetes. Following from that, her health will be back on track and she'll apply when the time is right.

 

I can't really really complain about my wife and what she does. She's worked at Willamette Valley vineyards over the last year, but gave that up and now works 25-30hrs p/w at the local Walmart with her son. She fits that in with doing a lot of running around with our 2 younger kids. She does work hard and is a great mom.

 

The unfortunate thing is my most enjoyable job is 45miles away. On a good run it will take me 1 hr 10 mins to get there. I also would prefer to move back to the suburbs but my wife likes the country and small town community. It is a great town for the kids to grow up in and housing us more affordable. So there's pros and cons.